“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.1

Meanwhile, Dude goes surfing, Kevin watches from the shore (because he’s not allowed to go anywhere), and Toby spies on them from behind a tree. And now, back to H2Eau where Michelle is already in progress.

Michelle tells Marco about the dingoes. “That’s horrible,” is all he can say. Michelle cries she needs Van to help her, but Van’s gone out with the tide. Marco assures her that Van’s in “a better place.” Better how? She’s either up a tree, two miles down the coast, in the belly of a shark or halfway to Japan.

Michelle’s still looking for someone to hook her up with a dime bag of Tresum. Marco says his interest in magic is merely academic. Just then, Granny’s mood ring turns black. Whoa. Michelle thinks she’s brought the evil with her from Iowa. The only evil Michelle’s brought with her is that awful top.

Marco offers to talk to both Grace and Bro, the only two Tresum practitioners he can think of. Guess no one’s interested in finding Diana, who saved Michelle’s life in the first place by giving the power of the solstice to Van. I can’t believe I’m writing about solstice. Help me.

It this really how gay men act? Really? – Out on a beautiful beach, Adam and Toby are play-boxing. Who does this? Toby doesn’t know either – he stops because he’s not having any fun play-acting scenes from some gay version of Fight Club.

Toby confesses he was spying on Kevin. Toby’s about as intuitive as a box of rocks; he thought Kevin looked happy. Toby decides he’s got to get over Kevin, much to Adam’s secret delight. Adam’s eyes take a walk down Toby’s rippling rippage. Toby doesn’t notice. Like I said. Box of rocks.

Over at H2Eau, Griff wanders in and – hey everybody! – he’s wearing a shirt. It’s wide open, exposing his symmetrical, anaconda-like obliques, but still, at least he bothered. Marco hands him a vodka on the rocks. He recognizes Griff as a Tresum Council member, but Griff pretends he’s just a lame-o tourist taking advantage of the post-tsunami discount rates. Marco’s not buying it.

Marco touches Griff’s necklace, and it shocks him. Griff explains if Marco is going to study the aspects of Tresum, he needs to take care, and touches his hand suggestively.

Two seconds later, Griff and Marco are together in the back room. Off comes Griff’s shirt. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Marco gets down on his knees and says a prayer at, er, the Tresum altar. Griff puts his hands on Marco’s head and lets the Tresum do its magic.

When it’s Marco’s turn, Griff gives him a double nurple and the same gift of Tresum because Griff’s not a do-me-and-I-owe-ya-one kinda guy. What color’s your mood ring now, Sparky?

Afterward, as he puts his pants back on, Griff smirks: “You’re spoiled now. Regular, non-magic sex is going to feel pretty dull after that.” What if we use a Rabbit and I wear a top hat? Would that be magic or non-magic? I’m just trying to understand.

As soon as Griff leaves, Marco has a vision of a man and a woman. Each are frantically swatting at the air. Each wrestles some unseen thing. The woman screams. Something red splatters against a white wall. It’s Michelle’s parents getting slaughtered. That, or they’re trying to feed a 2-year-old spaghetti.