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“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Cutthroat”

Let the games begin – It’s a big night for you gay bowling fans out there. The girls have made it to the LGBT League Tourney Semi-Finals. Jen and Sam, both in their “Beever Girl” bowling team shirts (where can I get one of those?), are at the snack bar ordering a round of beers. A woman with the words “Diesel Femmes” across the back of her shirt brushes past them. I know a softball team called Last Licks. Gay sports leagues and their team names. Fun!

And by the way, who doesn’t love bowling? It’s raucous, competitive, and beer is never more than 40 feet away. What more could you want? Yeah, you have to put your fingers in holes that dozens of other people have already had their fingers in, but you can’t say that’s unprecedented.

At the snack bar, Jen gives Sam an update on her sex documentary: The latest research shows that escorts are a blasé bunch who don’t mind all the anonymous and lucrative sex they’re having. Someone alert the media.

While she listens to Jen, Sam’s wolfish gaze is focused on a cute girl in a white V-neck T-shirt and tight jeans running the pool table at the other end of the room. Hmm? What were you saying? As a lesbian, Jen’s fascinated that such attitudes exist. What about emotional attachments? How do they “protect” themselves? We are talking about escorts, right? I’m pretty sure the risk of falling for a shoe distributor from Akron in town for a convention after one night at the Ramada Inn is low. Little or no protection is needed. Sam guesses Jen’s questions are not just academic.

Sam: You want to be like them. Jen: [incredulously] Like the escorts? Sam: And the strippers, and all of the women who aren’t afraid of sex as just sex. Jen: That is so not true. Sam: Your heart breaks every time you have a cup of coffee with someone and it doesn’t work out.
Jen defends herself and states she’s tougher than Sam thinks. And furthermore, Sam isn’t the playa she likes to think she is. Sam sees dating as a competitive sport, and Jen just isn’t ready for the big leagues. The dating league has nifty team names, too: The Silencers are those women who never let you get a word in edgewise over dinner; the Lounge Lizards are the team who live at the bar and have dated or hit on every woman who ever walked in the door; and then there’s team Pants on Fire. You know who those liars are.

Jen turns to stare at Sam’s pool shark hottie and says: “That girl that you’ve been checking out? Consider her mine.” Jen walks toward her prey.

Sam calls out: “Careful, it’s a jungle out there. Go get ’em, Jen.” This just in: Jen grew a set.

As she gets closer to the pool tables, Jen starts hearing jungle and monkey sounds in her head. She freezes in her tracks and quickly retreats back to Sam. No hot monkey love for Jen tonight?

Actually, Jen’s gone back for a shot or two of liquid courage. She’s ready now. The other predators of the jungle – Sam and a group of grrl tigers leaning against the wall – take note. Sheena is in town.

Finally, a legit reason for matching shirts – Beever Girls Kris and Chris sit eyeing the Diesel Femmes as they unpack their bowling balls. Some of their opponents are more diesel than femme, but Chris isn’t intimidated. She growls at them; she’s feeling the eye of the tiger tonight. She went the distance, now she’s back on her feet, just a Beever and her will to survive. Uh huh.

Voices carry — Crutch is in her bedroom composing a little love song about her boss on her Amy Ray guitar.

Crutch: Emmy, Emmy, Emmy, won’t you lemme, lemme, lemme take you on a really cool date …
The guitar’s Indigo Girls mojo just isn’t coming through like Crutch had hoped. The only muses speaking to Crutch are her annoyed roommates, who yell from the other room to please shut the hell up and, by the way, cough up the rent. The birds and the bees — Back at the bowling alley, Kris spies two lesbian mommies-to-be a few lanes away and suggests to Chris they go ask them how babies are made. Chris doesn’t want to ask perfect strangers about their personal journey toward parenthood, but Kris wants the real scoop, not just a physician’s clinical list of options. Chris is probably going to cave because basting tips might save them some time and money.

Over by the pool table, Jen’s prey has just racked a new game. Jen casually slides on up and puts her quarters on the table, but nobody pays her any mind. Hoo, boy. There’s stealth and there’s invisible, and guess which one Jen is. She picks up the quarters and tries again, this time “accidentally” rubbing up against her prey’s back with her arm. Nice save — and hey, way to cop a feel.

The woman turns around, introduces herself as Charlie and shakes Jen’s hand. Jen makes a cute attempt at being suave.

Jen: I don’t want to intimidate you, Charlie, but I’m quite the billiards aficionado. Charlie: So am I. Should be fun.
Just then, Sam rolls up on the scene, her bowling shirt gathered and tied in front, exposing her belly. And that there’s called stealth.
Sam: Room for one more? Jen: I love a good competition. Can we play with three?
That’s ordinarily a great question, but not this time. This isn’t going to be the kind of threesome that ends with a group hug and a round of thank you’s.
Charlie: Sure. Cutthroat. Jen: Ah … Cutthroat.
That’s the “Fake It — It’s Impressive” Rule. Jen explains the way to impress a woman is to pretend you know what the hell she’s talking about at all times. She demonstrates, “Base jumping? Great! Podcasting? All the time.” Vlogging? Doesn’t everyone?

Faking it until she’s making it, Jen asks where’s the “white ball.” Sam pulls it seductively from the pocket and informs Jen it’s called a cue ball. Jen’s break is wimpy. When it’s Sam’s turn, she leans over the table in front of Charlie, making damn sure she sees the color of her money. After she sinks her shot, Sam whispers to Charlie, “You should see what else I can do on a pool table.” Ooh, let’s see. Uh, I mean, no, boo, Sam.

Why is Sam playing dirty pool? Isn’t she supposed to be helping Jen, not stealing women from her? Jen sends a shot across Sam’s bow by playing the brainiac card — pool is all about geometry, right? “You remember geometry, Sam? Took it twice, didn’t you?” she asks Sam innocently. Hey, you use what you got.

Meanwhile, Kris and Chris are talking baby talk with the pregnant lesbians on Lane 10. At least I hope one of them is pregnant and not just using an interesting, hands-free bowling ball carrier. The women tell the ChKrisses that making a baby is fraught with decisions: insemination options, whose egg to use, adoption or — gasp! — the old-fashioned way. Chris smiles politely, but all she’s envisioning are dollar bills blowing away, never to be seen again.

Unfair. If everyone had to go through the same amount of time, energy and expense to have a baby, we wouldn’t have any overpopulation issues. I blame the long lines at the DMV on straight people.

A few of our favorite things — While Kris and Chris mull over making a baby, Jen and Sam are making sexy time with Charlie. Jen brags about her college sociology courses while Sam twinkles her eyes and poses. If only we could put them together into one brainiac sex kitten who quotes Spinoza while wearing Victoria’s Secret. I like to dream big.

Charlie wonders if sociology can be an aphrodisiac. “The study of people. You studying me?” she asks. Jen says coyly, now that you mention it, she happens to be a documentary filmmaker.

Sam jumps in and clarifies that Jen’s film is called Bird Watchers. In its defense, Bird Watchers did very well, thank you very much. Jen doesn’t mention it features the Great Blue Heron mating ritual, because that would just be bragging.

Jen: Now I’m doing a new one: Women, Sex and Power. Sam: They’re three of my favorite things. Jen: Three of my favorite things too.
Me too.
Charlie: [laughs] I get it, I get it. You guys are a great team, very hot.
Charlie runs a finger up the inside of Sam’s arm and asks them when their bowling thing ends. Have they even started? All Jen and Sam have been doing is drinking beer, playing pool and flirting with chicks. This bowling alley is no bowling alley. It’s a bar.

Sam says they’ll be done around 10 or 10:30. Charlie puts an arm around Jen and says coolly, “Great. What say we all get off at 11?” Synchronize watches, ladies. Jen smells what Charlie’s cooking but doesn’t care for anything that spicy.

Charlie: [to Jen] What’s the problem, Princess?
Well, for starters, don’t call her “Princess.”
Jen: OK. First of all, Sam is like my sister. And second, I enjoy my women one at a time. And third [looks at Sam], let’s go.
Sam starts to walk off with Jen, but stops and gives the I-have-the-self-control-of-an-8-year-old-boy shrug and returns to Charlie. I used to like Sam. Looking into the camera, Jen explains the simple “Friends Come First” Rule. Girlfriends (and one-night stands) come and go, but friends are forever. Sam sometimes forgets to play by the rules.

After their game with the Diesel Femmes, Kris and Chris are brainstorming how they can make enough money to afford football camp, insurance, tuition and an iPhone for baby ChKris. Chris picks up a pastry (where did that come from?) and takes a bite. Bowling alleys not being known for their baked goods, she quickly spits it out and says she wouldn’t feed that to a dog. Kris has an epiphany: They’ll open a doggie bakery. Ingenious in that way only lesbians can be.

Music intervention — Crutch is still writing songs about Emmy, rhyming her name with any words ending in “ee.” Crutch’s three roommates barge in and start complaining about the noise. They may not understand tortured artists, but they do understand torture. The cute blond one suggests Crutch not worry about her past-due rent. In fact, don’t worry about any rent — you’re outta here. Good night, Cleveland!

Will you still love me in the morning? — The ChKrisses walk into the Beev to find Sam and Jen sitting at different ends of the restaurant, both reading and working on their own things. Kris asks Chris what’s up with them? Good question. Since when does Sam read? I thought she preferred the hands-on approach.

Behind the counter, Crutch tells her boss and crush, the Big Beever, Emmy, she’s homeless now.

Emmy: How does one actually get evicted? Crutch: My roommates were music haters, but no worries. Less bills for me. I’ll just probably crash with the ChKrisses, or maybe Jen, but she’s a little anal, so … Emmy: What are you, their pet? Crutch: No. They’re like family. Emmy: Don’t you ever wonder why nobody takes you seriously? Crutch: What’s that supposed to mean?
But Emmy doesn’t have time to review all the ways she thinks Crutch is so aptly named. She has work to do. On the wall by the bathroom, Crutch notices a Roommate Wanted flyer, and the rent’s a steal at $400. Crutch tears off the phone number. She’s willing to try something new and growny-up to win over the Big Beever, even if it means applying the Fake It — It’s Impressive Rule.

Where’s the love? — Crutch’s adventures in apartment hunting aren’t going very well. Two angry-looking lesbians turn out to be Republicans. They slam the door in her face. Crutch looks surprised as she yells “Deviants!” at the door. Next, two men open their door and close it before Crutch can even open her mouth. At her last stop, the door closes in her face once more, just as she offers weakly, “I can make French toast.”

Meanwhile, Jen’s at home culling the most thorough and comprehensive resource for data on Britney Spears: YouTube. She’s interrupted by a knock on her door. It’s Sam, who doesn’t wait to be invited in and just pushes past Jen into the apartment.

Sam: You’re pissed that Charlie went for me instead of you. OK. I get it. Look, I warned you that your heart was still fragile. Jen: This is not about me. Sam: Well, you’re the one who wanted to make it a competition. Jen: Yeah, but then you, with your tied-up shirt and your showing yourself off. You kept going even after she insulted me. Do you have to conquer every girl no matter what?
What happened to the Friends Come First Rule? Here’s a rule: All other rules are superseded by the Lesbians Must Process at All Costs Rule. Actually that’s not a rule at all. It’s a law.
Sam: Are you calling me a slut? Jen: Am I saying slut? Sam: No. Worse. You’re thinking it. Jen: I was not thinking you were a slut. You were thinking that I was thinking that you were a slut.
Oh God, no. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Sam: What would make me not a slut, Jen? Not having sex for 13 months? Jen: Just because I haven’t slept with anyone since Sienna … Sam: And just because I slept with two whole people last week.
Two whole people, as opposed to half people. Or maybe it was half people, but there were four of them? I dunno. Please don’t fight.

Yessiree. And things go even further downhill from there. Sam thinks this isn’t just about Pool Table Charlie. It’s about their own college breakup eight years ago, with a dash of Sienna added in for color. When it’s all said and done, Sam thinks Jen is a self-pacifying conflict-avoider. And Jen sees Sam as commitment-challenged and selfish. They actually sound perfect for each other on paper. But in reality, not so much. The volume is rising.

Sam: I wasn’t ready to marry you! Jen: I wasn’t asking! But if where we were headed felt like too much [air quotes with her fingers] commitment for you, you should have said something. Sam: [quietly] I tried. Jen: Yeah, by shoving your tongue down Casey Black’s throat.
Sam pauses with her hand on the doorknob, takes a deep breath, opens the door and leaves. So, lunch tomorrow is off?

Your little secret — The Beever Girls are back at the bowling alley, having inexplicably made it to the Finals. Chris and her eye of the tiger just threw a strike, rising up to the challenge of their rivals, a scrappy group of young guns in black called the Womyn Warriors. Jen and Sam managed to put aside their issues long enough to bowl and cheer their fellow Beevers. No sense letting a hurtful blowout brought on by festering and painful memories ruin league night. Beevers. Bringing friends together since forever.

Back at the café, Emmy asks Crutch why the storage room is locked. Crutch claims she’s protecting the coffee beans from, ya know, roaming bands of caffeine fiends. The Big Beever tells her that she needs cups or something, but Crutch turns around, slaps Emmy’s hand with the dirty dishrag and says she’ll take care of everything, including closing the place.

Emmy suspects Crutch’s new roommates love her music as much as her old ones did and Crutch just doesn’t want to go home, but whatever. Emmy leaves Crutch to lock up.

Alone in the café, Crutch goes back to the storage room and unlocks the door. All her stuff is crammed in there, and her mattress lies on the floor. Crutch has moved into the Beever Café, bringing new meaning to “wake up and smell the coffee.”

Back at the bowling alley, Jen and Sam are still not talking to each other, except to argue over who’s up next. Chris pulls them into a headlock and tells them to focus, because she doesn’t want to lose to the Warriors for the third year in a row. Marla Hooch does not like to lose!

Jen throws yet another gutter ball because fighting with Sam is ruining her concentration. As she goes back to her seat, she glimpses Charlie making out with two new girls. Sam sees it, too. Sam and Jen share a look. I think we know who the real slut is in this passion play. I’m still trying to figure out why Crutch is not on the Beever bowling team, even though she’s the only one who actually works there. Instead, she sits in her new digs next to the plastic spoons, writing another sad song. Just then, the door opens and in walks Emmy. Busted. She probably figured out any time Crutch volunteers to work, something must be up. Crutch looks up, mortified.

Crutch: OK. I tried to find an apartment but everything was so expensive or otherwise the people were weird and I don’t understand how you can even … Emmy: You said you had a place. Crutch: I lied.
Lying. The cornerstone of any good relationship. Emmy moves a box of holiday lights so she can sit down. She looks at Crutch, her face softening just a bit, and asks why she couldn’t stay with the ChKrisses or Jen. Crutch claims she’s not a little kid; she’s adult and responsible. Evidenced by the fact she’s hiding out in a coffee house’s store room.

The Big Beever gives Crutch two weeks to work something else out on the condition that she opens and closes the café every day — and do something with those holiday lights. Before she leaves, Emmy asks Crutch what was that hauntingly lyrical song she just heard. Crutch plays with her hair and says meekly, “Nothing.” Emmy smiles and says good night. The Big Beaver’s dam just formed a crack.

The aftertaste — At ChKrisses’ house, Chris sets a plate of home-baked cookies on the table and expects Jen and Sam to do an honest taste test. Sam spits hers into her napkin. Jen asks if they’re for dogs. What gave it away? The little dog bone shapes?

As long as they’re being honest, Jen tells Sam that seeing Charlie sucking face with those other girls seemed kind of hot, ya know, from a safe, germ-free distance. And here Sam thought Jen was thinking, “Ew.”

Somewhere along the way, Jen’s decided it’s time for a change; a new, tougher Jen can and will have meaningless sex. Atta girl!

Sam: You don’t have to be me, Jennifer. Jen: No, but tougher would be good. Your heart doesn’t break after one date. Sam: Nope. My heart’s only broken once … Jen: [surprised] Well, thank God we’re done with that. Sam: Yep. [laughs] Jen: We’re much better off as friends.
Thank God that’s over. And they only waited eight years to talk it out. That’s only two in lesbian years. Not bad.

After they leave, Kris, wearing a very becoming mud mask, is freaking out that if the cookies don’t sell, they won’t be able to afford children.

Chris: Hey. On the whole parent road, there will be a billion things we won’t know and we’ll have to stumble through, and we will stub our toes. Kris: You’re the only person in the whole world I’d want to stub my toes with. Chris: You pretty. Kris: Stop it.
Foreplay at the ChKrisses’ house.

The next pre-dawn morning, Emmy arrives at the café and sees the lights are up. Crutch stayed up all night decorating. Someone’s been helping themselves to the espresso.

Next week on Exes & Ohs: Jen falls for a woman who can help her with her sex movie, er, documentary. Sam’s dad declares he isn’t big on the whole gay thing. Crutch wants to invite Emmy over for a cup of coffee.

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