“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 3.09 “Common Criminal”


The princess: A newbie arrives, bringing her posh attitude (and wardrobe) with her.

The psycho: Di plots against Crystal.

The prisoners: The audience, in the absence of Helen and Nikki.

A dark morning or night or something — There’s that newbie truck again. This time someone is watching from afar as the truck rolls through the Larkhall gate. What’s so interesting?

She is, I guess:

I have no idea who she is, but she’s definitely not dressed for the slammer. Her pointy-toed shoes are useless as she stands in the water (it’s raining; it’s England) and stares up at her new home.

Inside, there’s another newbie, but this one’s a screw. His name is Mark, and he’s Gina’s boyfriend. Great.

Oh, it seems the new posh girl is named Charlotte Myddleton, and she’s not happy with Gina’s attitude. Like everyone else on the planet. Mark tries to reel Gina in, but along with being generally unpleasant, Gina is also jealous of the way Mark is looking at Charlotte. Just what we need: more straight-people drama.

The wing office — Karen announces that Crystal is back in Larkhall, for possessing drugs and for harboring Denny and Shell. Karen asks Di to be Crystal’s personal officer. Isn’t that a bit like asking Bush to be a human rights–preserving guard at Guantanamo?

Karen also explains the Charlotte Myddleton situation: Charlotte’s father is a member of the House of Lords. Better yet, daddy turned his darling in when he found her cocaine.

Karen: She may have problems adjusting.

Just to punctuate that, the scene changes to Charlotte’s cell, where Gina is still being generally unpleasant. Charlotte will be sharing the four-bed dorm with Buki and Shaz, who want to know whether she has “crutched” any “gear” in her “floo box.” I don’t think I can put it any clearer.

Buki and Shaz also ask Charlotte whether she knows Prince William. More important, has she shagged him?

Charlotte: Oh, for God’s sake.

Speaking of God, Crystal shows up to reclaim her bunk. Shaz tries to be friendly, but Crystal’s not very interested. Nor does she want to know much about Buki, but that’s just smart.

Mealtime — Yvonne! Hi! Hello to your leather pants, too. Yvonne sits down across from Charlotte Myddleton and advises her to “muck in” rather than keeping her distance. Charlotte just spits out a lot of scathing remarks, most of them aimed at Gina.

Yvonne: [to Charlotte] Trouble is, a way with words ain’t enough in ‘ere. Especially when you walk around like the flamin’ Queen of Sheba.

Whoa, Yvonne’s mullet is out of control:

Yvonne: [walking away] You’re in the jungle now.
Charlotte: [snidely] I’ve noticed.

Yvonne spins on her heels and is obviously about to flatten Charlotte for that remark, but Fenner intervenes. Damn. I’ve missed Yvonne; it would be nice to see her mop the floor with someone, just for old times’ sake.

Nighttime — Crystal mops the floor — actually, not metaphorically, and not with anyone, unless you count Di. Officer Barker is leaning against a wall and watching, sort of like a guard and sort of like a psycho. She casually brings up her favorite subject, Josh, pretending she doesn’t know Crystal knows him.

Di: Come to think of it, didn’t you used to have a crush on him?

Crystal plays dumb, but her concern shows on her face a little. Poor Crystal. Di-abolical is a fearsome enemy indeed.

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