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“Exes & Ohs” Recaps: Episode 1.4 “Love, Money and a Six Olive Martini”

Show me the money – It’s the monthly gathering of an organization called Seattle Women in Business. Jen and Chris are there in their business attire, scanning a room full of other similarly clad women as they drink, mingle and network. As they eye one of the women, Jen tells Chris, “And she drinks single malt scotch, is a terrible golfer, oh, and just gave $60,000 to the Humane Society.”

What Jen doesn’t know is that the woman’s large Humane Society donation was reparation for an unfortunate incident involving a golf cart, her fondness for single malt scotch, and a goat they now call “Tripod.” Meanwhile, how does Jen know so much about this person? Is she staying up all night creating dossiers on women using their tax returns and public records? If so, I can explain that Tina Fey restraining order in my file. All I can say is the people at the Rainbow Room have no sense of humor.

Chris wonders if the woman would invest in Just for Doggies because “online pet supplies are huge.” They are? In that case, I know where she can buy a cute, slightly used sock puppet mascot.

Jen reports that the woman owns three Standard Poodles – Chris should go for it. Besides, Jen already pitched the woman about her documentary, but her budget for sex movies has already been set for the year.

Jen spies another potential investor sitting at the bar. She walks over and casually orders a drink for herself within earshot of the woman.

Jen: Vodka martini with six olives, please. Woman: I have never known anyone else to ask for six olives. Jen: Olives make the martini. Woman: Most people don’t appreciate that fact. Jen: “Lord, what fools these mortals be …” Woman: [smiling with surprise] “Stand aside, the noise they make … In unison: “… will cause Demetrius to awake!”
It takes a special kind of nerd to quote A Midsummer Night’s Dream as a pickup line. A very special kind. After they clink their martini glasses, Jen takes a sip and grimaces. Jen doesn’t drink martinis, she’s Faking It – It’s Impressive. Too bad the woman is on to her. Jen admits, “I read your interview on the AfterEllen website.” Get outta here! Michelle Paradise, I’m sorry I stole your pants.

The woman counters that she, too, does her homework and knows exactly why Jen is chatting her up and ordering a little vodka with her olives. She hands Jen her business card.

Hiding together at the back of the room, Jen tells Chris that the woman, Lauren, may or may not have just offered money for sex (like it’s a bad thing). As they eye Lauren suspiciously, Jen does a slow boil, and Chris agrees Lauren has quite the cojones to suggest such a thing.

Jen returns to where Lauren is now talking to another woman. She indignantly says she won’t sell her soul for any project and slaps Lauren’s business card on the bar. With those kinds of ethics, she’s never going to make it in the entertainment industry.

What a girl wants, what a girl needs – The next day, the girls meet for their morning coffees at the Beever Café. Kris and Sam are outside, talking about real estate; Sam wants to buy some property but might not be able to swing it on her own.

When Jen and Chris emerge from the café carrying caffeinated goodness for all, they’re fondly remembering Lauren’s face with a business card thrown in it. Chris chortles, Miss Six Olives wasn’t so hot after that, huh?

Kris: Well, how hot can she be if she has to pay for sex? Chris: Oh, she’s not paying for sex – more like… Chris and Jen: [in unison] … bartering. [laughs] Chris: Still. It’s better than not getting any, right? [laughs] Kris: [suddenly not laughing] What is that supposed to mean?
Yikes. Sam and Jen make eye contact and walk away from the ChKrisses to give them a little sidewalk privacy. Don’t go too far, ladies. Couples fighting in public is what I like to call theater-in-the-round.

Even though they haven’t consummated their relationship in 15 days, Kris insists it’s not her fault alone. With the stress of the online business and trying to start a family, it leaves little time or energy for pudding wrestling. If she thinks life is stressful now, wait until it’s all about juice stains on the car upholstery and poopy pants. Jen looks into the camera and explains the “Bed Death Rule,” which states if you’re cuddling your cat more than your partner, it’s time to trade one pussy in for the other. Jen said “pussy.” Hee.

Just then, Jen’s cell phone starts chirping. Literally, it’s chirping; her ring tone is a bird call. Boy, when Jen works on a documentary, she really immerses herself in the subject matter. I can’t wait to hear her ring tone when she starts working on her sex movie.

It’s Lauren, calling to clarify their misunderstanding. She was not offering money for sex. She was considering offering money for sex footage. She invites Jen to dinner to further discuss unique investment opportunities, because there’s nothing more intoxicating than a feisty, indignant rejection from a cute girl. It just makes us want you more.

Sam gets a call of her own; it’s her father. She tells him she’ll be there shortly and hangs up. Kris asks, “I thought you were going to buy a place yourself?” Sam says yes, but she still wants to show her dad the biggest expense of her life. As she gets in her awesome Karmann Ghia, Sam calls out, “Good luck on your date,” to Jen. Jen says it’s not a date and by the way, tell your folks hello.

Inside the Beever, Crutch is sitting in her studio apartment, otherwise known as the storage room, composing heartfelt odes to Emmy. Come to my storeroom … crawl inside, sit on the big box of spoons. Come to my storeroom, I’ll have a home soon … There’s a knock on the door. Emmy comes in and tries to explain how the service industry works: It doesn’t include guitars and hiding in the back room. But Crutch doesn’t want the gang to know she was evicted, so she’s lying low when they come around.

Emmy: They love you like a sister. Crutch: Like a kid sister. Emmy: Well, ya do live in a storage room. Crutch: I’m a musician. This is called “suffering for my art.” Emmy: What if the music career doesn’t happen? Crutch: It will. I’m going to post my songs online. Emmy: You will be everyone’s kid sister until you choose not to be.
Crutch looks crushed.

That elusive thing called happiness – Kris and Chris are in their kitchen packaging items for their online doggie business. Chris is musing about the power of a power suit like the one Lauren was wearing the other night.

Kris is having a separate discussion in her head and asks, “You know what we need?” because she wants to talk about their lackluster love life.

Chris asks quietly, “What do you need to make you happy?” Kris doesn’t answer. I think the answer is clear: an orgasm that frightens the neighbors.

Sam meets her parents, an attractive, well-dressed couple, in front of a high-rise apartment building. Dad says in his fatherly way that he knows she doesn’t have much, being a mere bartender and all, so they’re happy to help with her loan application. Sam’s wary of taking their help, but she knows it’ll be smoother sailing with a co-signer on her mortgage. She promises to make every single payment. Mom chimes in that it’s better than renting, especially if Sam wants to settle down someday. Sam reminds them she’s only 28 and settling down is not on the horizon. The only thing Sam sees on her horizon right now is a line of hot women to seduce.

Sam: I’m very happy being single. Mom: Well, at one time, you were very happy being straight. And then Jennifer came along and … Dad: Honey, I’m sure not every girl that Jennifer befriends turns into a lesbian.
Little does he know about the 18 toasters in Jennifer’s closet.

Career moves – Over dinner salads with Lauren, Jen explains her vision for Women, Sex and Power. Lauren’s intrigued, but she hates the title. It sounds like a snoozy college thesis, which is exactly what it will be if Jen is left to her own intellectual devices.

Lauren encourages her to make it sexay. Raarrr. Lauren smiles and says they’re up against Super Size Me, and sex is the hook they need to rise above. Blah, blah, blah. All Jennifer heard was Lauren using that wonderfully inclusive word, “we.”

Jen: Wait. Does this mean I get to finish it? Lauren: Maybe. [sly pause] Of course, I’ll need to see your footage first.
Jen is beside herself with the good news. The bad news? When Lauren says “footage,” she might mean “breasts.”
Jen: Of course. Sure. Anytime. Lauren: OK. Jen: [happy] OK. Lauren: OK. Jen: [even happier] OK. Lauren: Eat your salad. Jen: [still happy] OK.
Giddy as a schoolgirl, Jen pops a grape tomato into her mouth.

Changes – In a quick scene at Beever, Emmy suggests that Crutch get a real, grown-up job in a corporation with a desks and staplers and other officey stuff. They’re not even together yet and already, Emmy is trying to change her. Don’t do it. The world needs magenta-haired girls.

Meanwhile, Jen and Sam are doing yoga and chatting. I’ve never done yoga, but from what I’ve heard, you’re not supposed to talk while you’re adding inches to your height with vertebrae-wrenching positions. Jen whispers that Lauren changed the title of the film to Sex, Inc. Sam thinks the title is kind of cool and wonders if Jen is finding Lauren kind of hot. Jen assures her it’s just business.

Changing the subject, Jen asks Sam about her adventures in real estate. “Did they like the house?” she asks as she cranes her neck. Sam says that what they didn’t like is “you.” Jennifer is flabbergasted – she’s the kind of friend every parent loves.

Sam: I think they think you turned me gay. Jen: Turned you gay? You were sleeping with girls before I was even kissing boys. Sam: Yeah, but you were the first girlfriend I ever introduced them to, so …
That’s a compliment. I think.

Elsewhere, Chris comes home to find Kris in the lotus position, surrounded by candles. Jen and Sam aren’t the only ones seeking a little meditative respite. What’s this now? Chris is taken aback – she hasn’t seen Kris folded up like a praying mantis since they first moved in together. She crouches down next to the candles and assures Kris she should feel free to backpack through Asia again, make maple syrup and basically return to anything she used to enjoy, with the possible exception of putting on a headband and Hammer pants.

As yoga wraps up, Jen and Sam roll up their mats. Sam’s sad her parents don’t seem to fully accept her, after all these years. Jen encourages her to tell her dad how happy she is being a breast-lovin’, skirt-chasin’, girl-flirtin’ lesbian, but Sam’s not sure if the time is right. Jen’s “The Right Time Rule” says sooner is better than later, but only because it hurts less. Emmy drills Crutch on last quarter’s sales figures. Thanks to Emmy, Crutch has also added terms like “charge off” to her vocabulary, even though she has no earthly idea what the hell she’s saying. Crutch asks Emmy warily why she’s being so nice to her. Emmy covers her budding feelings by saying it’s smart business – she needs her storage room back.

Later, at the interview, Crutch sits in the Moonstruck Coffee offices in full drag: heels, skirt, hoop earrings and an upswept, corporate hairdo (except hers is the color of Jell-O.) Crutch says all the right things – the things Emmy taught her to say verbatim – but the scrawny manager behind the desk isn’t impressed.

Manager: And you went to school where? Crutch: I almost finished two years at Bakersfield Junior College, where I majored in … various things. Manager: Ms., uh, Michaels, I have resumes from people who are actual college graduates.
Crutch is doomed to a life in the storage room.

Business and pleasure – Jen pays a visit to Lauren’s office to become more acquainted with her new business partner. Lauren tells Jen she left her old life to do what she really loved, and here she is – although it’s not yet clear what she really loves besides money and olives.

Jen says it sounds a lot like her own mom, who left home to put herself through medical school and later, met her dad. Jen adds her mom was killed by a drunk driver when she was 10. Lauren says her family had something “similar happen.”

Before anyone has a chance to cry, Lauren changes topics and says that with the footage of Britney Spears, the vintage films and her tranny escort interviews, they have a winner of a film. To celebrate, Lauren and Jen lean into each other hesitantly.

A shy smile forms on Jen’s lips as they silently hold their faces close to each other. After a moment, Lauren pulls away and clears her throat self-consciously. That’s how lesbians shake hands. It’s Sunday afternoon, and Jen’s having the girls over to watch football. Before the others get there, Jen asks Sam what she should do about the business of making a sex film and the pleasure of having sex: Do they mix? Sam doesn’t see any reason why Jen can’t have both the money and the girl, as long as she doesn’t mind ending up in her own film.

“Of course, if you hadn’t turned me gay, I wouldn’t be telling you to take the girl at all,” she adds, and pops a chip in her mouth. I dig Sam. Wise assery is sexy.

Crutch and Kris walk in with coffee and more food. Crutch tells Kris about the worst interview of her life – she talked the talk and walked the walk, and she even wore Sam’s stupid, itchy suit, but got nowhere.

Kris says simply, “Maybe they tried to make you into something that you’re not.” Crutch sees the light: She should’ve just been herself. There’s an idea. She can bring her guitar to interviews and sing about her job history and salary requirements.

Meanwhile, where’s Chris? Kris doesn’t know, and says, “She left at dawn … grabbed her shotgun and said she needed to take care of something.”

Jen replies, “There’s a clue in there somewhere.” Maybe Chris found a way to deal with all those strays Kris has been bringing home.

Just be yourself – “Pull!” Chris shouts. A clay pigeon flies through the air and disappears, untouched, into a distant snowbank. “I was the number one skeet shooter in Hinckley, Ohio !” Chris mutters to herself disgustedly. She reloads. She squeezes off another shot and misses again. Damn it.

Kris pulls up. In her best hillbilly voice, she calls to Chris to bag ’em a skeet fer dinner. Chris lowers her voice and replies in kind, “Yes ma’am,” in a backwoodsy way that scares me a little.

They kiss and smile. Chris goes back to her position, and with her Krissy-poo watching, blows the hell out of the next clay target because impressing a pretty woman is the reason we do anything. I could just be talking about myself, though.

Back at the Moonstruck offices, Crutch tries for a second interview, only this time, she’s wearing her hair down, a loose sweater and jeans. She throws some coffee and muffins on the manager’s desk.

Crutch: Zucchini muffin? They’re from your company. Manager: I don’t do carbs. Crutch: Probably best, ’cause that’s not actually a muffin. It’s more like a sponge. No one wants a zucchini sponge with walnuts for breakfast. It squishes.
He pokes it with a pencil. It springs back. The college-educated applicants may know the definition of “charge off,” but they don’t know about zucchini sponges. Only someone who works in a coffee shop and literally sleeps with the muffins would know.

Thanks, but no thanks – Meanwhile, somewhere else in town, Lauren hands Jen a check to finish her film. Immediately, Jen lapses into a fantasy filled with silk pajamas, a gauzy canopy bed, and lots and lots of dollar bills that Lauren sprinkles all over her body. Jen isn’t used to having money, I’m just guessing. Jen comes back to reality and asks Lauren, “Do you want to have dinner again?” Hey, Jen’s buying, everyone. Then, she does the unthinkable – Jen hands the check back to Lauren and says she doesn’t want the money because she wants her more. What?

Jen: Mixing business and pleasure … Lauren: … is the essence of this business. Jen: Not for me it’s not. Lauren: So you are rejecting me because you like me. Jen: I will find the money elsewhere.
Lauren makes it clear she doesn’t let good investments just slip through her fingers, so to speak. Jen, all cocky with being noble yet broke, asks which investment Lauren wants more. And just to make sure Lauren fully understands her options, Jen lays a lingering kiss on her. Sam would be so proud. The next day at the Beev, Jen learns the manager at Moonstruck’s home offices has hired Crutch as a consultant. She gets to keep working on the front lines and report to him what kinds of carby delicacies the masses want with their lattes. And she doesn’t have to wear any itchy drag suits. “Rock on, dude,” says Emmy.

“Dude?” Crutch says, shocked. Emmy rolls her eyes and walks away.

Jen turns and sees the ChKrisses sitting at a table by the window, making cow eyes at each other. On the other side of the room, Sam and her dad are going over Sam’s mortgage papers, but Sam is still feeling stung because he’s not going to be joining PFLAG anytime soon.

Dad: Well, you weren’t gay until college. In high school, you had one boyfriend after another. Sam: I also had girlfriends that I never told you about. Dad: I’ve always been fully supportive of your lifestyle choices. Sam: It’s not a lifestyle. And it’s not a choice. Being single is a choice. Being gay isn’t – it’s who I am. Maybe someday I’ll settle down. But I’m never going to be straight. I’m fine with that; I love who I am. I’m happy for me. I just wish that you were too. Dad: I am. I … Sam: No, I don’t think you are.
Sam looks at her mortgage papers and tells her dad sadly that she doesn’t want his help anymore. He kisses her on the head and leaves.

Jen and Sam look at each other from across the café. Jen mouths the words, “Are you OK?” but it looks a lot like “Are you gay?” Sam shakes her head. Jen gets up and sits opposite Sam, taking her hands and looking into her friend’s eyes. Sam lowers her head into Jen’s lap.

Next week – Jen channels her inner pole dancer. The ChKrisses choose the father of their child. Sam tries to pick up a woman and accidentally falls into therapy. Crutch has one groupie.

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