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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 3.10 “Chapel of Love”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The innocent: Crystal protests her drug test.

The ill: Di does some sick things.

The interloper: The handsome new doctor has terrible timing.

Another day, another synth soundtrack — The background music cracks me up sometimes. It’s so … dorkily groovy. And you know what else is dorkily groovy? Helen — because she has just parked crookedly, like a teenager with a brand new driver’s license. Let’s get her a shirt that says, “I can’t even park straight.” No, I think I’d rather see her in the leather jacket and red shirt she’s wearing right now. And I don’t really want her to do anything straight.

Is it just me, or is she smirking at something as she walks toward the main gate? I do know she’s carrying two briefcases and wearing sensible shoes, and somehow both of those things make me love her. Yeah, it doesn’t take much.

The wing office — Karen is concerned about Crystal, who is on a hunger strike. She tells everyone to keep an eye on Crystal — “especially you, Di.” Ah, such a subtle setup.

As everyone files out of the office, the phone rings. It’s for Karen, and of course Fenner sticks around to see what’s up.

Karen: They’ve appointed the new No. 1. Temporarily, anyway. Helen Stewart.

You know that expression, “The blood drained from his face”? Well, that’s what just happened to Fenner. And he’s pretty pale to begin with.

The luckiest piece of plastic in the world — Helen is putting on her new nametag. Is it wrong that I just watched that twice? And then she straightens her shirt and grins to herself, proud of her new gig. Adorable.

And how great is it that she’s not wearing a power suit, despite her new title? On the other hand, with her curves, any suit is a power suit.

There’s a knock on the door. It’s Simon. He gives her two big notebooks but no encouragement.

Simon: You must have a very pleasant sense of victory. Better enjoy it while it lasts.

Helen: Well, I know I’ve picked up a poison chalice, but I’ll do my best to keep a grip of it.

Simon: You’re just a pretty face to brighten up the board table, Helen. Till they pick their man.

Their man? Are you sure you don’t mean their dyspeptic doughboy with a comb-over? I mean, if they want to be consistent.

Helen just watches him go, her grin turning into a smirk.

The four-bed dorm — It’s time for breakfast, but Crystal’s still not eating. She insists she has never done drugs, and the test that came back positive had to be wrong.

Di: You know, I’d like to believe ya. I really would.

Similarly, I’d like to pretend I’m interested. I really would.

The lifers meeting — I wonder what really goes on in these meetings? We only ever get to see the beginning or the wrap-up. Right now, Helen’s dismissing everyone — well, all but one.

Helen: Nikki…

Nikki: Yes, Miss?

Helen: [playfully preening] That’s “Yes, ma’am,” actually, if you don’t mind.

Nikki: Huh?

Helen: They’ve only gone and made me acting No. 1, haven’t they?

Nikki: What? You’re kidding.

Helen: Well, someone in Area must like my politics. [as Nikki just stares] You not pleased?

Nikki: I don’t know.

Helen: Look, I’ve said I’m still gonna run the lifers unit.

Nikki: Right.

Helen: Oh, Nikki. Don’t you see what it means?

Nikki: Yeah. Sure. Means you’re top of the s—heap. Fantastic. I’ll even get to see you for group chat, when you can fit it in.

Aw, who’s a gloomy gills? Nikki does have her bad days. But her sarcasm is always in top form.

Helen: God, I can always rely on you for a hard time, can’t I? Look, if anything, it means that I’ve got more chance of gettin’ you out of here. And it sure as hell means count your days, Jim Fenner.

Nikki offers one of those fake smiles people give colleagues and relatives when they want to feign support or happiness. What has happened? We never get to see them, and then when they do show up, they’re pouty? Sigh.

Forcing her way in — Di stops Josh in the hall, asking whether they’re still “on for tonight. ” He’s confused, because like any sensible person, he tends to ignore most of Di’s blather. She reminds him that she’s planning to stop by after she goes “line dancing” in his neighborhood. And maybe she’ll bring a bottle of wine. I’m guessing maybe some handcuffs and torture implements, too. You know, just for a relaxing evening in.

Josh is more interested in Crystal, who’s passing by. He wants her to just admit that she did drugs, but of course she didn’t. She tries to walk away but ends up passing out. The two Julies — where the bleedin’ hell (as they would say) have they been lately? — rush to her aid.

And Charlotte rushes to Crystal’s aid too — by telling Karen she suspects the drug tests were tampered with. She insists on getting the independent test she’s entitled to, and Karen reluctantly agrees. While they’re discussing all this, Josh is in Crystal’s cell, still not trusting her. Jeez, Josh. What does the girl have to do? She’s fading away like a consumptive Victorian novelist and you still can’t see all the Di-abolical forces around you.

Beholding her realm — Helen is up on the third floor, looking down like a benevolent queen. And like a malevolent serf, Fenner sidles up to her, smirking.

Fenner: Surveying your new empire, eh? Congratulations, by the way. Look, about that little incident … you know, I was under a lot of strain. After the stabbing. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize again. [as Helen continues to ignore him and look away] I see. It’s the cold shoulder, is it? I s’pose the next thing is I’m gonna be given all the dirty little jobs around here. Yeah, well, there is such a thing as harassment in the workplace.

Helen: [finally facing him, and staring him down] Oh, I know.

There is no way for me to capture how that sounds in her accent. Her o’s are nearly as sexy as her r’s.

She walks away without another word. I clap gleefully and rewind, lunging at the keyboard like I’m on Lost and have to input the number to save the world.

Giving a damn — Karen gets the results from the independent clinic. They confirm that the urine samples were switched when Charlotte and Crystal were tested for drugs (well, what they really confirm is that Crystal’s blood type doesn’t match the sample, but this story line doesn’t deserve precise description). Karen goes right to the four-bed dorm and apologizes to Crystal Bronte, who is shocked — as are the two Julies and Yvonne, who have been hanging around and cursing all screws. I’m glad Karen is still sometimes the sensible one, despite her taste in evil men.

Speaking of evil — Di is putting on makeup, trying to keep herself nice for Josh. She tells Gina about their “plans” for the evening. Is there a kind of makeup that will suck the diseased gray matter out through your skin? Because an insanity-ectomy would take 10 years off your face.

Gina goes right out into the common area and teases Josh about his “date” with Di, telling him to keep his panic button handy. Panic button? I’d say maybe pepper spray is the thing. Oh, but you can’t have that in the U.K., I don’t think — well, once when I crossed the border into Canada, I had some pepper spray in my car and they made me “surrender it to the Queen.” So I guess maybe the Queen is allowed to have it, at least.

Josh just brushes off the Di stuff again and goes to congratulate Crystal (who’s being almost force-fed by the Julies) on the good news — and to apologize for not believing her.

Yvonne urges Josh to get to the bottom of the whole thing. Well, with Yvonne, “urges” is more like “threatens.” Probably because she’s in leather again. Helen, Nikki and Yvonne in leather — all in the same episode! Is it my birthday?

Josh says it’s nearly time for lockup and everyone skedaddles. He asks Crystal whether anyone knows about their relationship, and she says, “Only Di Barker.” Josh knows that’s bad news. Good, but you’re a little slow on the uptake, Josh.

Putting a stop to this — A dolled-up Di shows up at Josh’s place. He finally calls her out, telling her he’s not even a little bit interested in her. He tells her he already has a girlfriend, and actually answers when she asks who it is.

Josh: Crystal Gordon. In fact, we’re planning on getting married.

Di starts to go on about how unwise it is to get involved with a prisoner, and how untrustworthy drug addicts are. So then Josh drops the bomb about the drug test, and ends up throwing her out. I’m never in favor of men hitting women, but I almost want him to smack her — I’m so sick of her crazy ways.

Getting sympathy while he can — Fenner whines to Karen about Helen. He’s sure she’s going to set him up or find some way to fire him. Karen says he can’t be sacked for no reason (wow, things are different in the U.K.; in the U.S., that’s just called “restructuring”). She also doesn’t think Helen plays dirty like that.

Karen: Helen Stewart is straight as a die.

Well, that’s not an expression we Yankees use very much, but even if it were, I’d still be confused because that “straight” part makes no sense.

My ears, my ears — Helen is having lunch at her desk. But she’s not alone: The new doctor, Thomas Waugh, is having his lunch in her office too. And he’s talking with his mouth full and chewing like a cow. I actually have to turn the volume down because of all the smacking and chomping.

Helen is also talking with her mouth full, but she manages to do so without sounding like a caveman gnawing on a slab of mastodon rump. And she can tell the difference too, because she’s watching him chew rather than listening to him talk:

Helen: Do you mind me asking, what is that you’re eating?

Thomas: Peanut butter and raspberry jam. [seeing Helen’s look of distaste] Oh, no, come on — you can’t have tried it, or you wouldn’t pull that face.

Helen: I have, actually. When I was a kid.

Thomas: Ah, well, you see, I’m stickin’ with the kids. Gimme crisps, chocolate and ice cream anytime.

Helen gives him a smile, but I like to think it’s tolerant rather than affectionate. I know, I’m just in denial.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s Claire, Helen’s friend and Nikki’s solicitor. Claire glances at Thomas as if she’s thinking, “Why are you eating lunch with this sandwich-inhaling git who thinks his puppy-dog eyes are irresistibly charming?”

Claire: I’ve got some news for Nikki Wade.

Helen seems startled. Is she thinking, “Don’t mention Nikki in front of this guy I’m kind of flirting with?” Or is her heart skipping a beat? I just can’t tell.

And it just gets sicker — You’ll forgive me if I don’t recap this part in great detail. Her heart broken, Di goes home to her wheelchair-bound mother and beats her. It’s just too much for me. Picture a mashup of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? and a PSA for elder abuse, and you’ll get the idea.

Facing the music — The next day, Helen summons Di to her office, wanting an explanation for the switched drug test samples. Helen is very calm and collected. She seems to be having no trouble easing into her new position of power, probably because of those professorial elbow patches on her shirt. She gives Di an official warning and tells her to be more careful.

Di apologizes and blames everything on her mother. Pathetic. I mean, sure, I do that too sometimes, but only in therapy, and not with my fists.

From one tangled web to another — Josh begs Crystal to give him another chance. She isn’t inclined to do so, but he tells her they were both set up by Di. Yvonne and the two Julies see Crystal and Josh talking. As soon as he leaves, they surround her and ask for details. Such gossips! Crystal says she and Josh are planning to marry, and of course the two Julies decide she might as well do it right there in Larkhall. (Aw, remember Zandra?) Oh, you kooky Julies.

Julie S.: You could get married in secret.

Julie J.: The chaplain, he’s a decent sort of bloke. We could ask him to keep it under his hat.

Yvonne: You’re joking! He’s just another screw with his collar on back to front.

Oh, Yvonne. I don’t know what I like better: your dry wit or your ridiculous fashion sense.

So they decide Barbara can officiate instead. Crystal likes the idea and even gets Josh to go along with it. They’re sort of cute, but how is it that heterosexual privilege exists even in prison? They find a way to get married when Helen and Nikki can’t even find a way to steal a kiss now and then?

A light at the end of the tunnel — Next thing you know, Nikki has been summoned to Helen’s office. She looks downright miserable again and is clearly expecting bad news, but she takes a seat when Helen tells her to. (Helen doesn’t have to yell “Sit down!” like she did in season 1.)

Claire gives Nikki a letter. It’s from the Home Office: They’re going to submit her case to the Court of Appeal — and that means they must think Nikki has a very good case.

Helen and Nikki’s expressions in the next few moments are quite moving. First Helen looks like she’s trying to keep from shrieking with joy. Nikki looks gobsmacked, then starts to cry as she reads the letter. Helen, surprised, looks at her with that tenderness and wonder she reserves for Nikki alone.

And then their eyes lock as they both realize what this could mean. Yay! Did I say I was gleeful about the “Oh, I know” line earlier? Because now I’ve gone from gleeful to manic.

Planning the wedding — No, not the wedding we want to see; this is still about Crystal and Josh. The two Julies are doing flowers and favors and such. Barbara says she’s secured half an hour to practice the hymns.

Yvonne: Half an hour?!

Yvonne says this so vehemently, you’d think someone just said, “I have half an hour to live.” Or, “I just had an incredible orgasm that lasted for half an hour.” Or, “That weird new doctor just chewed one bite of his sandwich for half an hour.”

From an upper level, Di watches the plotting. So creepy.

Worst. Timing. Ever. — After Claire leaves, Helen and Nikki try to celebrate a little.

Helen: God, isn’t that the most brilliant news?!

Nikki: It’s fantastic. Still gotta win it though.

Helen: Yeah, but you heard what Claire said. Oh, Nikki, you’re almost there.

Nikki: [quietly] Yeah.

Helen: Um, no, I’m sorry: No wee iffy yeah. Big bloody yes!

And Helen finally shrieks with joy, grabbing Nikki’s hands and shaking them in the air. It’s a delicious moment, and it might have ended with a kiss. But guess who walks in? Yes, the masticator.

Helen drops Nikki’s hands and jumps up. She introduces Nikki and Thomas, and they’re pleasant to each other. Excessively pleasant, you could say. Thomas shakes Nikki’s hand in congratulations, then, as he exits, asks Helen if they’re still going to have that drink later. Helen nods.

Nikki: [calling after him] Have one on me, yeah?

And then Nikki narrows her eyes at Helen, just a little. She tends to be paranoid, but this time I think she’s just being observant.

Getting what she deserves — Di rummages around in Crystal’s stuff and finds a handmade wedding card from the Julies. So she goes right to the kitchen to find the Julies, who are about to go to the wedding. Di pretends to be looking for Crystal and surmises she’ll find her in the chapel.

As she turns to go — woo! — the Julies jump her, tackle her to the ground, bind and gag her and throw her in a storage closet. Sometimes the Julies just rock.

Married in God’s eyes — The wedding goes off without a hitch, except possibly for the hitch in Yvonne’s step as Barbara plays the processional at an extreme tempo, just to get things moving. Yvonne’s idea of dressing up, by the way, is a garish shirt and leather pants. It’s kinda hot.

While all that is going on, Dawn (the random prisoner who sometimes helps a plot along) hears Di in the closet and sets her free. But by the time Di gets to the chapel, the wedding is done and Josh and Crystal are already having their honeymoon in a linen closet. Foiled again!

Later, there are fireworks outside. Everyone gathers on the top tier to watch them. Guess who arranged those? Yep, the mother of all MILFs, Yvonne. It’s good to have friends in the mob.

Down below, some newbies arrive, chanting and yelling. Yvonne grumbles that more “bleedin’ big-mouthed kids” are all they need.

The wing office — Di confronts Josh, threatening to tell Karen about the wedding, but he pushes right back, promising he’ll tell Karen all about the harassment and the botched drug tests.

Josh: You know, what, lady? You need help. Seriously sick.

And sick is how Di looks when Jim and Karen find her sitting there, so Jim drives her home. Fenner doesn’t drive off right away, though, because Di has left her cardigan in his car. He goes to the door, calling for Di and hearing screaming from inside. Di answers the door and says everything’s fine, but he barges in and finds Di’s mother lying in her own filth, bruised and crying for help. Di just begs Fenner not to say anything.

I guess there really is someone more evil than Fenner.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Bodybag is back; Nikki makes trouble; Dr. Waugh invites Helen for a weekend getaway.

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