“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.5 “Naked in the Dark”

Take me, I’m yours — When we last left Dante’s Cove, the sinister and mysterious House of Shadows had escaped its undersea prison and, using the body of its host, Michelle, was now hell-bent on painting the town red. Red with blood, that is. Mwahahaa.

Newly reconciled witch sisters Grace and Diana had rushed over to Michelle’s hotel room at the Golden Shower Inn to perform an exorcism and fashion makeover, when Michelle came bursting out of her closet, intent on having her way with them. And by the way, Michelle’s “way” involves slashing claws and choking. But, once again, not in the good way.

Now, standing in the middle of the pigsty that is Michelle’s hotel room, the sisters tremble as they watch Michelle foam at the mouth. Diana, stripped of her magic but knowing a thing or two about the House of Shadows, tells Grace to take her hand. With Grace’s magic and Diana’s knowledge, they’ll combine forces and drive Michelle back into the closet, literally.

Diana’s Tresum power transfer looks like an animation of the time-release action of Grace’s estrogen replacement therapy.

After Diana releases her hand, Grace slumps onto the unmade bed, weak and out of breath. Diana emptied her of her magic faster than Bro can say, “Lose the shorts, whatever-your-name-is.”

Diana faces the Michelle beast. “Shadow, show yourself! Shadow, rise! Leave your mortal host!” she commands, as Michelle stands frozen in her tracks, twitching. A green gaseous cloud rises out of Michelle’s mouth and dissipates into the ceiling. Bleu cheese for lunch again?

The House of Shadows has finally left Michelle’s body for good. She collapses on the couch, unconscious. Grace teeters to her feet, telling Diana, “You did it! Now, all we have to do is …” but before she can finish, Diana lays Grace out with a sweeping, magical wave of her arm. Diana is drunk with power. Or maybe she’s just drunk.

Outside, Griff is calling Grace’s name while looking for a parking spot. After a moment, he comes rushing in, only to be pinned to the wall with a mere flick of Diana’s all-powerful hand. As Grace and Griff watch helplessly and Michelle takes a much-needed nap, Diana calls upon the House of Shadows to take her.

Moaning like a hyena in estrous, Diana writhes with ecstasy as the Shadows’ black cloud descends on her like a tiny twister, swirling around her body until she’s fully infused with their evil presence.

Diana’s groans slowly subside as she recovers from her phantasmorgasm. She tosses her hair back and smiles deliciously. “Thank you, sister. I thank you. Mmm … the Shadows thank you,” Diana coos to Grace. Someone get a mop.

And with that, Diana slowly sashays out the door like a saloon whore. The House of Shadows was just a house. But Diana makes it a home.

As soon as Diana’s gone, Griff is released from the wall, Grace is able to stand, and Michelle finally wakes up, wondering if it was all just a bad dream. Is that you, Auntie Em?