“Dante’s Cove” Recaps: Episode 3.5 “Naked in the Dark”

Toby and Kevin turn on the radio and tune into the island’s one and only station, KYJEL, and listen as the DJ reports on the recent chaos.

Announcer: Fires burn unabated. Violence is rampant. It’s simply chaos out there. Callers have suggested chemical warfare, but there is no evidence of an attack. Whatever the cause, it’s sweeping through the population at an alarming rate. Yet another horrific event for the beleaguered town of Dante’s Cove.

The other horrific event? The Chicken Dance craze of ’03.

Toby is worried about Adam and feels guilty because he wasn’t able to stop the Shadows from taking him. Kevin gives him a reassuring pat on the arm, but it’s little comfort to the eternal optimist who is Toby. He would rather be with Adam in the Closet from Hell than waiting to die without him.

Griff interrupts the counseling session and hands them a bunch of sticks that he identifies as “watchman berries.” Griff instructs Toby and Kevin to put the berries on all the windows as a way to keep the Shadows out. Toby dutifully obeys, but Kevin isn’t satisfied with Griff’s lame floral arrangement rituals.

Kevin: Well, what about me? I know Tresum, I can help.
Griff: [scoffs] What can you do?
Kevin: I can summon fireballs.
Griff: [sarcastically] Fireballs?

Yeah, Kevin. No one cares about your mysterious rashes.

Griff’s had enough of Kevin’s immature obsession with power and blasts him for being too big for his boxer briefs. “Have you ever lost control of an enchantment?” he demands. Does losing control at the Christmas shoe sale at Barney’s count?

Kevin pouts and rolls his eyes and doesn’t listen to a word Griff is saying, because he’s that kind of a-hole now that he knows some Tresum.

Total eclipse — In a quiet room, Bro tries to use his Sun Book, but it does not speak to him anymore. He hurls the book away in frustration just as Trevor enters with other books, including Grace’s long-lost Moon Book.

Bro tells Trevor his Sun Book chapter entitled “How to Save the World in Three Easy Spells” is encrypted and he can’t read it. Simple, well-meaning Trevor suggests that Bro try using the Moon Book, but Bro is sure those stupid moon witches have nothing to teach an awesome sun warlock such as himself.

Bro runs out to tell his Tresum kinfolk the good news. It’s all so clear now.

Griff: When the books were written, the rivalry between the Houses of Sun and Moon didn’t exist. The Tresum scribes didn’t foresee a time when the two houses wouldn’t share information freely.
Grace: So, what does the prophesy say?
Bro: A mighty Tresum master will level the playing field in the war against the Shadows. But only a virgin can deliver the killing stroke to close the Shadow portal forever. We have everything that we need. The portal, which is obviously the box — we possess that. Griffin, you and I are the Tresum masters, and the virgin … is Grace.

Uh. Yeah, about that …

Grace ‘fesses up that she’s not a virgin anymore, while Griff looks down at the floor and counts the tiles.

Almost 200 years without ba-donk-a-donking and now she decides it’s time to see what all the fuss is about? Bro is livid. And speechless, for once.

Finally, he finds the words: “How are we supposed to find a virgin to fight the House of Shadows? We are in Dante’s Cove, for Christ’s sake.”

That is the best line of the entire season.

Bro slams his book shut and storms off as Grace and Griff look at each other and wonder if they should feel guilty or go have a quickie in the bathroom.