“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.2 “Look Out, Here They Come!”

Staying in shape — Dusty, Helena’s cellmate, is doing push-ups with her feet on the toilet and her hands on a table. I could watch that for many minutes.

So could Helena, it seems; she’s watching with fascination from the top bunk. But neither of us gets to enjoy it for even one minute, because the scene is about 30 seconds long. It ends with a guard passing by and saying, “Shower time, ladies.” Well, at least that promises good things — unless the guard is just going to bring them a spritzer bottle, considering last week they didn’t get to leave their cell to eat lunch.

The red-light district — Max wants to use the bathroom at the Planet, but when he gets there, someone else is already in line. At first I think, “Oh, no, this guy’s gonna figure out he’s transgender and beat him up,” but then I realize the guy is Tom, Jodi’s interpreter.

Max: You know there’s stalls in there, right?
Tom: Door’s locked.

So they wait. Eventually two women emerge, giggling and holding hands. Yes, the bathroom at the Planet has seen a lot of affection — Marina and Jenny, Dana and Alice. Sigh.

You might not expect Max and Tom to have any connection to the long, rich history of lesbians in the ladies’ room, but Tom is definitely giving Max some flirty looks.

Tom insists that Max go into the bathroom first, mostly so he can check out his ass. Huh. I didn’t have this particular flavor of interaction on my radar at all, but I’m honestly charmed by it.

Side note about Tom: His name is Tom Mater? I prefer potaters to tomaters.

The table of tension — Bette, Jodi, Tina and Alice are sharing a meal and some conversation. Tina pretends that her date went well, and Bette pretends to be happy about that.

Bette: So what does she do?
Jodi: Why do you ask that? That’s a hideous question.

Whoa. Hideous? That seems a bit strong. But it certainly is a loaded question when Bette asks it.

Tina: She’s a mortgage broker.
Bette: [after a pause] Wow, that’s so … um …
Alice: You know what? It doesn’t matter what she does, because she’s cute, she’s smart … right?
Bette: That’s right.
Alice: [under her breath, to Tina] You know, remember what we talked about.

I guess Alice really is in Lesbo Land, trying to bring some sense to a mad tea party. The only thing we’re missing is a sleeping dormouse at the table. Wait — maybe that’s me.

Bette changes the subject and asks whether Tasha is back for good. Alice babbles and twitches and says there are a million reasons why a soldier might not be deployed on schedule.

Alice: You can ask her about it tonight, though.
Tina: The four of you are going on a double date?

Tina nods without meeting anyone’s eyes. Yeesh. Awkward! Alice looks so disappointed that her tutelage has come to naught.

Luckily, Tom arrives to change the subject yet again.

Tom: I just pissed next to the cutest boy alive.

How romantic. They all want to know who he’s talking about, but first Alice gets a text message from Shane. Alice tells Bette and Jodi that Shane is doing hair for Tina’s boss’s daughter’s wedding. (Gesundheit.) This reminds Tina that she has to pick up her dress for the wedding, so she drops her fork and skedaddles. Way to stick them with the check!

Bette wonders how Shane is handling the Paige aftermath.

Jodi: Do you guys really think that Paige burned Wax down?
Bette: I don’t think it could be more obvious.

Great, now I’m doubting it. Maybe it was Lacey after all.

Alice: I’m just worried about Shane, because I feel like everything’s escalating.
Jodi: Escalating?
Bette: We used to say that every time Shane walked into a room, some girl left crying.
Alice: No one’s really ever committed arson over Shane before. It’s like, what’s next?

Try not to look so gleeful about it, Alice! Hee.

That’s what’s next — Shane is f—ing Abigail, who cries, “I wish my sister could get married every day!”

We used to say that every time Shane walks into a room, some recapper leaves yawning. And by “used to,” I mean “still.”