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“Cashmere Mafia” Recaps: Episode 1.3 “Dangerous Liaisons”

Morning rituals – It’s morning, and Zoe is packing a carry-on for her business trip to Boston while she rattles off a list of chores and reminders at Eric, who is lying in their bed pretending to be asleep.

The pretending-to-be-asleep trick never works with real partners – they know you too well. That trick is best reserved for women you picked up while wearing beer goggles, but in the unforgiving light of day, don’t look so much like Keira Knightley anymore. With any luck, they’ll let themselves out.

Over in the very fine digs of Juliet and Davis My-Wife-Neglects-Me-So-Let’s-Get-a-Room Draper, Juliet is sitting at her makeup table getting ready for work like she has all the time in the world. Which she does, because she’s the boss and bosses can show up whenever they damn well please. I’ve been the boss. Not officially, but ya know, in my mind.

Juliet’s cell rings. It’s Bobby Walsh, the one that got away. The last nice, hot, rich, single, straight man in North America. Bobby might actually be a long-lost Osmond Brother named Larry.

Bobby: Are you alone?

Juliet: Aren’t we all, really?

Don’t get all existential so early in the morning, Juliet. I need coffee first.

From his hotel room in London, Bobby proposes that he might swing through New York in a few weeks on business – monkey business, that is. Heh.

Juliet: Maybe you could fit me in.

Bobby: You’re the business I’d be flying in for. And I have a feeling we’d be a perfect fit.

Juliet: I’m sure …

Juliet is too classy to engage in blatant phone sex, but from the naughty look on her face, it’s obvious she’s definitely thinking about merging their assets with due diligence.

Just then, Davis comes out of the shower and Juliet hangs up quickly. Davis is in full contrition mode and suggests they relive the good times by returning to a resort they both love in Anguilla. Juliet says no thanks. Pristine beaches and tropical drinks aren’t going to fix anything; only time will heal her wounds.

Meanwhile, Mia is already on the job, holding a meeting with the staff of Modern Man, one of her many magazines.

Unlike women’s magazines, which are chock full of makeup tips, self-help articles and pieces on how to make the man in your life happy, men’s magazines feature life-enhancing pieces like updates on cool tech gadgets, photo spreads of hot actresses and movie recommendations.

Let’s start a women’s magazine called Flawed and a men’s magazine called S’all Good!

After the meeting breaks up, a doughy dude who’s badly in need of a haircut approaches Mia to feel her out about his job. Seems he was hired by and worked for Jack, Mia’s ex-fiancé. Mia assures him there will be no penalties for working with Jack-ass. “We’re still friends,” Mia tells him. And by “friends,” she means people who never speak to each other.

Tracy, Mia’s protégé, comes in with a phone message from Mia’s mother. Mama Mia, if you will, wants to know when Mia and Jack are coming over for dinner. Whoops. Someone forgot to tell Mom the wedding’s off.

Ladies who lunch – After a full morning of running the world, the girls meet for lunch. Juliet tells everyone Bobby called. It’s just like they’re in ninth grade. Later, she’ll be adding him to her MySpace and making him her first top friend.

Zoe: So, this is it? This is really going to happen? You’re going to do it?

Mia: Of course she is.

Zoe: Look, I’m all for fighting fire with fire. But revenge sex? I mean, doesn’t that seem a little “Yuck”?

Mia: If your husband cheats on you, you’re officially entitled to one free “yuck.” It’s the law.

Zoe doesn’t care about the rule of law, nor for the taste of revenge. It is not sweet. It tastes like poo.

Juliet doesn’t care. She has a yuck-buddy.

Just then, Caitlin blows into the restaurant, her big-as-saucer eyes made even more saucery by the horrifying news she’s brought to the table. There’s a new gossip website for women in business called RegretsOnly.com. Someone ought to regret choosing that name. Caitlin has a printout of the blind item that has her plotzing.

Zoe: [reading aloud] Which top Lily Parish exec has been seen canoodling all over town …

Mia: Canoodling?

Zoe: … with her hot chocolate agency rep? These ladies are sharing more than makeup tips.

Caitlin: Hot chocolate? What does that make me? Mia: A marshmallow?

Hee.

Caitlin: I just dip my toe in the gay pond and I’m outed?

“Canoodle” always makes me think of canned poodle. Or eating noodles in a canoe. In the gay pond I didn’t know we had.

Then, Zoe spies more disturbing developments, and it isn’t that unfortunate zit on Caitlin’s otherwise lovely forehead.

She reads on: “Which newly anointed magazine publisher left stiletto heel marks all over her fiancé on her way to the top job, trashing her engagement?”

Caitlin eyes Mia and doesn’t feel so alone anymore.

Mia off-handedly remarks she can send the link to her parents to clue them in on her latest news. The girls are shocked she hasn’t told her family yet. Mia masks her sadness with half-hearted optimism and says it’s only been two weeks and you never know, Jack might miss her eventually. Besides, her mom’s just going to blame her, and who needs that noise?

Caitlin drops another bomb about the gossip site. The Perez Hilton of Central Park West is none other than Cilla Grey, the “other woman” whom Davis was boinking until recently.

Caitlin offers to take care of Cilla permanently by giving her cousin in New Jersey a call. What’s he going to do, force feed her fries with brown gravy, give her big hair and send her off to the mall?

Co-workers – After a filling lunch of salad and water, Zoe returns to her office to put up with her ambitious assistant, Katherine. Katherine hands in a report two days late and tells Zoe how lucky she is to have such a cracker-jack associate.

Katherine asks Zoe for some fashion footwear advice, and hey, does my calculating ambition make me look fat? Zoe gives Katherine the once-over and thinks to herself, “Try buying your business suits somewhere other than Frederick ‘s of Hollywood.”

Zoe then learns her co-worker, Clayton, has invited Katherine along on their business trip to Boston. She’s not qualified and she has nothing to contribute, but Clayton thinks their young web start-up clients will feel better having someone their own age in the room.

And Zoe stayed up all night practicing phrases like, “Dude, the offer’s on the real,” “My peeps will ping your peeps,” and “Our analysts got mad skillz.” She should’ve gone to bed early.

The word is out – Over at Lily Parish Cosmetics, Caitlin is watching an assistant with the arms of a 9-year-old try in vain to open a jar of thigh-firming cream. If he can’t open the product, how are women weak from starving themselves supposed to obtain silky smooth thighs of steel? Caitlin sends him out of the room to contact people in packaging, and more importantly, a personal trainer for himself.

Just then, Lily Parish herself walks in, reading the RegretsOnly.com gossip out loud. Lily speculates it’s Sarah in R&D. “She has very thick eyebrows,” Lily offers as evidence. Caitlin informs her Sarah is married and has two kids, as if that somehow disqualifies her from canoodling.

Lily doesn’t care who on her staff is gay so much as who can help her sell more makeup. She proposes using Portia de Rossi for their next campaign to sell lipstick to lesbians. A fine idea. I need new wallpaper for my computer.

Caitlin listens nervously, hoping Lily doesn’t realize who’s really eating noodles in a canoe with a hot chocolate woman. Lily leans in, studying Caitlin’s face. Does her boss see a big, lavender labrys on her forehead?

No. She sees the pimple that’s grown into a little tumor.

Meanwhile, Caitlin must really believe in her company’s product line, because she appears to be wearing it. All of it. Is she starring in an opera later that evening?

Lily orders Caitlin to cancel her appointments and put a bag over her head. I can’t say I blame her. A cosmetics exec with a zit is like a dentist with no teeth.

Chow down – Over at Barnstead Media, Mia is setting the publishing world ablaze with her never-wrong projections, slick negotiations and creative vision.

Her protégé, Tracy, brings in the new cover for Modern Man, and from the look on her face, it’s a winner. Not.

Mia takes one look at the little man lying on a plate about to be eaten by a faceless woman, and orders Todd be brought to her chambers.

Not my gumdrop buttons!

Nice try – It’s quite late, and Juliet’s work is never done. Bountiful paycheck and fine dining aside, who would want this life? The work is dull, the hours are long, and the shoes are way too tight.

An assistant tells Juliet that Davis is loitering in her office, something he rarely does.

Davis says he wants to take her out to dinner before their daughter Emily’s school thing. Juliet is not feeling lovey-dovey enough to move things around just to eat dinner with a cheater. He suggests some take-out falafel, like the old days. “You have to stop trying to make historical re-enactments of when we were good. It is what it is,” she says.

Davis has been cheating on Juliet for so long, he’s going to need a tri-corner hat for that historical re-enactment.

Juliet then tells him, with a smug smile, that she wants Cilla Grey’s phone number. Davis can feel Juliet’s vise-like grip around his you-know-whats, even from across the room. He nervously asks why she wants that phone number. Juliet replies slyly, “Why don’t we leave you out of this, for once.”

Cilla is strolling down Madison Avenue when she gets the call from Juliet.

After some catty pleasantries, they set a date to meet for coffee.

Juliet: How do you take your coffee? My treat.

Cilla: Light, no arsenic.

Juliet: I’m looking forward to it, darling.

Juliet’s agenda is known only to Juliet, but I think it involves some bitch slappin’.

To serve man – Todd reports to Mia’s office, as ordered, to defend the magazine cover as only a straight man can.

Mia: Why is there a man about to be eaten by a woman on the cover of my magazine?

Todd: It’s the zeitgeist. Female execs are taking over. Movie studios, Silicon Valley, maybe our next president, God help us. The whole paradigm is flipped. Men are holding on for dear life. They want help.

Mia: I’m sure they do. And I get [that] controversy sells, but honestly? Corporate women are faceless cannibals? Who thinks like that?

Todd: Men.

Dear gad, someone hold a benefit for them right now!

Mia: Really? So this is how you see me? Am I eating you alive?

Todd: No, although other men might. Let’s say, Jack.

Mia: Why would we say that?

Todd tells Mia this was Jack’s idea, his last cover before leaving. A lovely parting gift of sorts. Todd thought Mia knew about it until Mia admits she hasn’t really talked to Jack-ass.

They agree to never mention Jack’s name again. Or rather, Mia tells Todd to stop talking about him. That’s the new zeitgeist, Curly.

Bobby booty call – Elsewhere in midtown, Juliet is leaving her office to pick up her Ice Queen cape from the dry cleaners. Bobby leaps out of his limo and calls her name, but she can’t hear him.

He grabs her and spins her around, giving her a surprise kiss.

Memo to Bobby: You do not grab a woman from behind in New York City. Not unless you want a swift knee in your crotch and a snoot full of mace.

Juliet wasn’t expecting to see Bobby for weeks, but he has the resources, the motivation and the passport to whisk himself anywhere he wants to be. And he’s checked himself into the hotel that Juliet runs, so she can come and go without question. It’s perfect. Juliet smiles nervously, already showing signs of doubt on her alabaster face.

Bean town boogie – Up in Boston, Zoe and Clayton are at dinner, trying to talk like grown-ups with two college dudes-cum-internet millionaires. The dudes are bored and thinking about playing Guitar Hero until Katherine comes flouncing in, apologizing for looking like a “total mess.”

Dudes 1 and 2 take one look at her flowy dress, tousled Jessica Simpson hair and perky boobies and start acting like two cartoon hayseeds, their eyeballs hanging out of their heads on springs. Aah-OOO-gah! I should stop expecting anything nuanced from network television.

Jumping right in, Katherine offers to give up some of the company’s commission. Dudes are tweaked. “A point?” Dude 1 ventures.

Backed into a corner, thanks to Mrs. Trump, Clayton asks if that will seal the deal. Instantly, the dudes high-five each other and bump fists all around. They leave the table to call other dudes with the good news.

Later, in her hotel room, Zoe is web-camming with Eric, telling him what she thinks of Katherine’s negotiating skillz.

Zoe: I hate what she’s good at.

Eric: Which is?

Zoe: I mean the rack, the bod, the whole blond man-trap thing …

Eric: Man trap?

Zoe: [laughs] Yeah, my mom used to say that. I mean, she’s like Business Barbie.

Business Barbie comes with a tiny plastic Crackberry, a tiny plastic laptop and a vague sense of guilt for not having tiny plastic children.

Zoe logs off because room service is knocking. From her open door, she spies Clayton and Katherine giggling in the hallway, about to enter his room.

Little does Business Barbie know, but Business Ken has no genitals.

An inconvenient woman – At breakfast the next morning, Zoe gives Katherine some unsolicited advice that falls on pretty – and pretty deaf – ears: “At some point, these things end. And then you become an inconvenience. And there’s no room in business for an inconvenient woman. I mean, that’s a fact.”

Clayton shows up and everyone eats their runny hotel eggs as if nothing’s going on. Can you expense condoms?

Stressed out – Back in New York, Mia and Caitlin are walking together in Central Park, gauging the severity of Caitlin’s zit.

Caitlin tells Mia that in her business, she might as well stay home with a bag over her head, “with a hole for lasagna.”

Caitlin does not handle stress well. But she looks hot. And isn’t that what really matters?

Caitlin: It’s not bad enough I’m slammed at work. I get outed as a blind item in this ridiculous blog? Whatever happened to a woman’s right to kiss another woman in public without it being posted all over the internet?

Yes, whatever happened to those inalienable rights about PDA and the internets?

Caitlin: I hate the freaking internet!

Mia: Stop it, you’re spinning.

Caitlin: I know! But I was just exploring all of this, and now I’m a parlor game for bored assistants. And, I haven’t heard from Alicia for days. I don’t even know what she’s thinking.

Mia: The phone works both ways. You can call her. I’m sure she’s wondering what you’re thinking.

Caitlin: Really?

Damn, Alicia. Call your girl. If not to reassure her, then to listen to her adorable Brooklyn accent as she rants about the lack of rights for making out in public.

More salad, more talking – Zoe tells the girls about the Barbie and Ken office romance. Mia tells them about Jack’s final dig at her and shows them the ugly Modern Man cover. Juliet, somewhat unsympathetically, implies his attitude was to be expected because she rocks so hard.

Mia is confused. Isn’t that what he loved about her? That she’s a winner? Caitlin says, “No. Men want to console you and say, ‘Don’t worry, honey, you’ll win next time.'” Hate to say I-told-you-so, but Jack’s ideal mate was never Jack with a vagina.

Meanwhile, Caitlin’s zit has mysteriously disappeared for this scene.

After their five leaves of lettuce and four tomato wedges, Zoe and Juliet walk it off. Juliet admits she’s having second thoughts about yucking Bobby into next Tuesday. She says Davis has been on his best behavior, even suggesting a historical re-enactment at their favorite resort in Anguilla. And by “best behavior,” she means he hasn’t hopped into any strange beds in like, a whole week. Wow. How can she resist the urge not to run out and renew their vows?

That said, Juliet suspects there was more to his affair with Cilla than a quickie at the Hotel Gansevoort. And Cilla’s nasty website proves it because “Hell hath no fury like a mistress scorned,” she says.

Back from Boston, Zoe and Clayton talk about what happened and it goes something like this: blah, blah, thinking with your little head, blah, blah, if she were a man, blah, lost a point, blah, take care of it, ya dope.

Finally – Caitlin sits in her office, stalling. She takes a deep breath and calls Alicia, who picks it up on the first ring and says brightly, “Hey, stranger!” Caitlin is happy because Alicia knew it was her. Alicia tells her not only does she have her number (and how), but she’s in her contact list.

There’s nothing better than knowing your name is in the phone of a woman you want. Or think you might want. No, you want, but you’re afraid.

Caitlin apologizes for not calling sooner; it’s been a little crazy. If only in her head.

Caitlin: I’m sorry, I just … I wasn’t sure. Not about you. Just, all of it.

Alicia: Caitlin, I saw the blog. Are you OK?

Caitlin: Yeah. Just kinda came out of left field … for me … all of this.

Alicia: Can we get together? Let’s meet tonight for a drink. We really need to talk.

Caitlin: Yeah. Some place dark would be good.

Not too dark, I hope.

Poor Caitlin. She was dating a guy who thought the only thing he was required to bring to their relationship was his penis. Then, she finds a woman who makes her go gooey inside and it ends up in the internet. Then, she grows a third eye. Talking would be good. A long weekend spent alone together would be even better. For all of us, that is.

The things you find on the internet – Later that night, Juliet and Davis learn they cannot protect their daughter from the evils of the world wide internet. Emily has stumbled onto RegretsOnly.com and reads the little ditty about her mom.

Emily: “Which red-headed Queen of Mean hotel exec leaves husband and daughter to fend for themselves while she builds vacation paradises for the idle rich? Much more to come on this.” Can that sound more like you?

Nope. Don’t think so. And since Leona Helmsley is dead, I would think a smart girl like Emily would see what’s right in front of her nose. Looks like selective blindness is hereditary on the mother’s side of the Draper family.

Davis has tickets to a play for everyone, so Juliet decides to spend quality time with them, instead of wrinkling the sheets with her yuck-buddy, Bobby. Bobby sits in his hotel room wondering why he’s putting up with all of this.

Business drinks – Mia takes Todd out for a drink to talk about the Modern Man cover, again. By the time they resolve this, it’s going to be Postmodern Man.

Mia: No right-minded woman with the ability to kill this cover wouldn’t kill this cover.

Todd: You’re killing the cover?

Mia: No, you’re killing it.

Todd: It’s a great cover, Mia. It’s loud, it’s obnoxious. It’s going to make a huge splash.

Todd has an interesting definition of “great.” He refuses to kill the cover unless Mia makes him.

Mia: Don’t you think we’re sending the wrong message here? Shouldn’t we be telling men that they shouldn’t be so threatened when a woman succeeds? That a woman can work hard and be good at what she does? As good as a man. You know what? Sometimes, even better. And that that man will respect me and love me, maybe even love me more? Not just run away and never call, not even to say, “Hey, how ya doing, how’s the job and oh, God, I’m sorry we didn’t get married, but I’m still thinking about you!” Huh? How ’bout that ?

Todd: Are we still talking about the magazine cover?

Mia: Yes!

We have protocol? – Caitlin and Alicia are out having their second date. Don’t they look cute?

Caitlin apologizing for not calling earlier; she “wasn’t sure what the protocol was.” Alicia is easygoing and tells her the rules for lesbian relationships are the same as any other. Caitlin guesses, “A lowered expectation?” Heh, she’s been dating men too long.

Alicia says sweetly: “No. Honesty.” Such a lonely word. Everyone is soo untru-ooh.

Alicia asks Caitlin for the second or third time if she’s sure she wants to get involved with her. I’m starting to worry if Alicia has worthiness issues.

Alicia: Look, if you’re not into this, if you’ve had a change of heart …

Caitlin: I haven’t, I haven’t!

Alicia: Good, because I like you, little that I know you. And …

Caitlin: OK, time out. Honestly? I have been stressed out of my mind with the usual work stuff, and this blog thing, and us.

Alicia: Us? If this is stressing you out, then what are we even …

Caitlin: No, the thing is, I get like this. And I need you to hang with it. I’m not stressing out because I’m gay or I’m straight. I don’t really care if I’m gay or I’m straight. I just – I need to be in control of my life and this past week, I haven’t been. OK? I really want to kiss you right now. Is this zit going to be a problem?

Not if she’s too close to see it.

A threat – Zoe’s Crackberry is ringing, but she’s screening because it’s Business Barbie calling from her Barbie Townhouse on 28th Street. Eric’s dying to hear what happened with Clayton. That man has got to get out of the house more. Finally, Zoe picks up to get it over with.

Katherine tells Zoe that Clayton got his and now she’s off the deal team and back with the peons in research, a fate that just cries out for a lawsuit, dontcha think?

Zoe tells Katherine to remain calm and she’ll fix it in the morning.

So busted – After a lovely evening at the theater, Juliet changes into her Victoria’s Secret lingerie and gets ready for bed. She asks Davis if he has a little something to help her sleep. Thankfully, he directs her to his travel kit and doesn’t initiate sex, as I thought he was going to.

Inside the small case, Juliet finds a new box of matches from the hotel in Anguilla. Their hotel. Davis sets a new record for idiocy.

Juliet stares into space, picturing Bobby’s chicklet smile. She calmly returns to bed and lights a candle with the Anguilla match, making sure Davis sees it. Rest well with that one eye open, pal.

Problem solving – Todd comes to Mia and tells her he’s decided to keep his job pull the cover. She tells him not to bother because she’s penned a letter from the publisher, addressed to modern men everywhere. Especially the stupid ones named Jack.

Speaking of stupid, Clayton is at that very same moment explaining his actions to Zoe. Zoe tells Clayton to find Katherine an equal or better job. It’s the only way.

And look, according to the chart on her monitor, profits are in the toilet, thanks to Katherine and her one point giveaways.

The moment Zoe says “lawsuit,” Clayton regrets ever unzipping his pants. Where are the spies from RegretsOnly.com when you need them?

In Caitlin’s office, Lily Parish notices the improvement in Caitlin’s complexion. She asks Caitlin how she cleared up that nasty thing so quickly. Caitlin replies, “Honesty,” a brand name Lily immediately wants to acquire for her makeup empire because she has an amusing appreciation for irony.

Caitlin’s job also involves approving big posters of naked women.

Lastly, Juliet meets with Cilla, the blogging bitch. Cashmere Mafiosa Juliet makes an offer Cilla can’t refuse: She’ll get Cilla into the penthouse she’s been creaming for if Cilla lays off the blogging, leaves her family and friends alone, and stops wearing jackets made from old curtains by Maria von Trapp.

Mission aborted – Juliet goes to see Bobby in his hotel room to exact her revenge sex plan. She attacks him as soon as the door is closed and strips down to her bra in two seconds flat. They jump into bed and he starts feeling her up, but before anything more titillating happens, Juliet starts to laugh. She sits up and tells the Bobster she’s changed her mind. Again.

“I can’t be like him,” she tells Bobby, as his case of blue balls goes chronic.

Katherine gets hers – Zoe learns of Clayton’s solution to the Katherine problem: He has promoted her. As she steals all the office pens she can carry, Katherine tells Zoe her rise to the top must be a new company record. Whee! She skips off to her new office with giddy glee.

Endings – The girls meet for a drink to review the madcap events of late. Juliet admits she chickened out with Bobby, as if failing to commit adultery was a defeat. Caitlin reminds her going to second base is a sin, so yay for her! Pro-marriage Zoe is relieved to hear there was no yucking.

Mia shows the girls her Letter from the Publisher, a few heartfelt paragraphs about what modern women eat for breakfast (oatmeal, not men.) And by the way, guys? Get over yourself. Women are here to stay. Can’t we all get along?

At home, Mia packs up Jack-ass’ things and finally calls her mother with her “disappointing news,” inviting a whole new round of blind dates with Mama Mia’s mahjong partners’ single sons.

Back at Juliet’s house, Davis watches as his wife undresses. “Like what you see?” she purrs, even though he doesn’t deserve to look at her shadow.

Juliet asks him to fetch her a glass of wine. As he’s leaving the room, she gives him a kiss and says, “And Davis? We’re even.”

She closes the bathroom door on his stunned face. Brava.

Next week on Cashmere Mafia Caitlin and Alicia go to a lesbian bridal shower where Caitlin finds she can still be attracted to guys. Alicia gets promoted to Saint.

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