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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.3 “Lady of the Lake”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Puzzle piece: What Dusty is to Helena. Snobbery: A sign that you should probably go back to your ex. Salubrious: Sex – both its absence and its presence.
THIS WEEK’S GUEST-BIANS: Lucia Rijker fantasizes about the future; Holland Taylor holds court; Malaya Rivera Drew checks Jenny’s vital signs.

The most meta teaser ever – Via voice-over, we learn that Alice had a dream about girls last night. Er, sorry, a dream about Lez Girls. Shane asks for details.

Alice: Me, you and Helena were, like, Charlie’s Angels.
I love it already! Except I sort of wish she had been able to say, “Me, you and Dana.”
Shane: Who was Charlie?
That would be Bette/Bev, natch. And everyone else is perfectly cast, too. Rachel Shelley is channeling Jaclyn Smith as Kelly; Kate Moennig has donned a smart vest and sleek wig to play Sabrina (the futch Kate Jackson role); and Leisha Hailey is an uproarious Farrah Fawcett/Jill Munroe, complete with dazed pout and awesomely feathered hair.

Bev: Once upon a time, there were three little lesbians who just hung out at a coffee shop. But I changed all that, and now they work for me.
Tina/Nina is Bosley – second in command to Bette/Bev once again. Laurel Holloman is pretty adorkable in that getup. She looks like the love child of Austin Powers and Ann-Marie MacDonald (Better Than Chocolate, Interviews With My Next Girlfriend and even The L Word). Through a speaker phone with a rainbow flag on it, Bev tells the lesbians that their new mission involves going undercover.

Alice/Elise: Sure sounds dangerous. Are you sure it’s not gonna ruin our hair? Bev: I promise you girls I won’t let anything happen to your hair or makeup.
This promise is much appreciated. And I think Leisha is cracking Rachel up.

Shane/Shaun/Sabrina wants to know whether their gaydar guns are really going to work. Each angelesbian has a goofy gaydar gun that is sort of a cross between a Conair hair dryer and a bar code scanner gun. Fine, but why does Shaun have a Southern accent?

Tina/Nina/Bosley says the gaydar guns had better work, because the target has just entered the room. It’s the Flying Nun! Oh, nope, it’s Jenny/Jesse. In the behind-the-scenes clip that aired on Showtime just before this episode (watch it here), Mia Kirshner revealed that she really wanted to be Jaclyn Smith in this spoofy skit. But she got the grander entrance this way, I think. Even if she does remind me of herself as Carrie.

Anyway, Bev’s lesbians spring into action, which consists of posing and … posing. The hair! The expressions! The music! The slo-mo! The hair! And the bouncing bazooms!

   

Helena/Helen/Kelly aims her gun at Jesse/Jenny, but takes too long to toss her hair and ends up scanning Alice/Elise/Jill instead. The gun gurgles its conclusion: Gosh, someone actually remembers that Alice plays for the bisexual team! Or at least she used to. Even Leisha herself forgot about that.

Finally Shane/Shaun/Sabrina trains her sights on Jesse/Jenny, but the gun flickers between “straight” and “gay.” Before we can get the last word, the theme song interrupts.

Lesbians sure do love Charlie’s Angels, don’t we? That was fun. It was also pretty trippy, considering it was a dream about a movie about fictional characters – mashed up with some other fictional characters. The looking glass of Lesbo Land is a four-way fun-house mirror.

The teaser scene was written by Molly Fisher, the winner of the FanLib contest. Her inspiration was the Season 1 scene in which Alice, Shane, Bette and Tina “deployed a mission to ascertain the disposition of one Miss Lara Perkins.” Well done, Molly! (Hey, FanLib: How about a contest to write a new theme song?)

Working out her demons – Alice and Tina arrive at the gym. Shane’s already there; in fact, she’s been there since 5:30. In the morning.

Shane: Morning, lazy asses. Alice and Tina: F— off, you freak.
Shane is on her third day of abstinence, having sworn off sex and “all the crap that goes along with it.” Like girls throwing rocks through her windows (that was one of the bridesmaids from the last episode) and setting fire to her property. She must be pretty loopy from the deprivation already, because she just explained the whole thing twice.
Shane: I have never, ever felt so freakishly clear-headed or highly energized.
Are you sure you don’t mean clearly freak-headed? Nah, your hair really does look pretty good this season.
Tina: Speaking of freakish, look at Jenny’s new assistant.
Nearby, Adele is doing her mistress’s bidding, which is to say that she’s placing weights in Jenny’s hands, which causes the frail diva to teeter uncertainly. Careful, Adele; you might put her in a permanent walk-like-an-Egyptian pose! Alice thinks Adele deserves credit for her dedication, but Tina says, “There’s something seriously wrong with that girl.” I for one can’t wait to find out exactly how she steals Jenny’s thunder.

Tina and Alice talk about Tina’s date with Denise, the mortgage broker.

Tina: We didn’t have anything in common. I don’t know, you’re going to say I’m a snob, but – Shane: Tina, honey, you are a snob. I mean, come on, we love you, but you’re a snob.
Alice suggests that Tina find someone in the movie biz, but Tina nixes that idea.
Alice: Tina. Picky, picky, picky. Really. Gaaahl!
So cute. They decide Tina should find someone in the art world, or “art-adjacent,” and should also look for someone on OurChart. That last idea doesn’t sit well with Tina. (Hey, Alice, what’s happening to your tattoo? The days of stars and rainbows are over for you?)

They all get distracted by Adele and Jenny. The diva is making her assistant check her pulse, bring her water, do everything except lick her gym shoes. Well, maybe that too; who knows what happened in the locker room?

The Planet – Tom is still crushing on Max. Across the room, Max tells Grace (Hi, Grace! Where have you been?) about the flirting incident outside the restroom.

Grace: Are you attracted to him? Max: No, of course not. Grace: It wouldn’t be such an outlandish thing. The last trans guy I dated – Max: Look, I’m not into men. Grace: The last trans guy I dated wasn’t into men at all before he transitioned. She was a gold-star butch lesbian. Max: I’m not a gold star, either. Grace: Julie was. Until she became Jake. Jake turned out to be a gay man. Max: [looking over at Tom] I heard this theory that what’s genetically encoded in us isn’t attraction to men or attraction to women, but it’s same-sex attraction. Grace: There you go.
Hmm. That’s interesting. Max is cute when he’s twitterpated. And the theory is kind of like what Nigella Lawson said in her essay about “designer dykery,” and Nigella seems pretty sharp to me.

The locker room of lunacy – As Alice and Tina primp, Jenny tells Adele to “do away with these sweaty things.” Princess Schecter, you make me chuckle.

Nearby, as Shane zips up her jeans, a woman notices her abs and asks to touch them. Shane freaks and says, “No, no, don’t, don’t, don’t, just don’t touch me today, please.”

Tina: She’s not gonna make it. Alice: I don’t think she’s gonna make it. Tina: No.
Alice can’t find her keys, which is apropos of nothing but gives her an excuse to look around the room aimlessly until her eyes land on a poster. It’s for the Subaru Pink Ride, which raises money for breast cancer research. Jenny announces that she’s doing it, so everyone else decides they’ll do it, too. Shane suggests they call themselves Team Dana.

Dana! Sniffle.

Tina: Yeah, and we can get Kit and Bette to do it with us. Jenny: We should ask Jodi as well. Tina: [gritting her teeth] And Jodi.
Shane points out that Jodi didn’t know Dana. Jenny points out that Jodi has breasts and therefore has a stake in the whole thing.
Jenny: You guys, you have to train for this. It’s so hard. If you don’t you’re not gonna finish it.
Ha ha – Shane, you just rolled her eyes! So did everyone who’s watching, but in a very amused way. Jenny almost sounded like a Valley girl. I wonder if this is going to turn out to be a major part of the show, like that big bike ride for AIDS research on Queer as Folk? I hope they play that Queen song “Bicycle Race” at some point. Maybe Shane can even ride in Freddie Mercury drag.

Alice suggests they get Tasha to train them, “‘Cause, I mean, she knows how to train. Obviously.” Tina is confused; she thought Tasha was slated to ship out any day now. Alice hems and haws and makes an excuse. I kinda love that Alice doesn’t know how to lie.

What a difference a clique-up makes – Guess who’s gone from fluff to top dog in one week? Helena is swanning around the prison yard, collecting cigarette payments and generally minding the shop. You’ve heard of the cashmere mafia? I think maybe this is the orange cotton-poly-blend mafia.

Helena eventually saunters over to Dusty.

Helena: Everybody’s paid up. Dusty: Feeling good? Helena: Very good.
They share a furtive kiss (partly as cover for the exchange of goods) and then go on their merry mafiosa ways.

I like them. Why is this scene over already?

Working for the weekend – At the Planet, Bette and her suburban hair are getting ready to go to work. But first Bette has to convey a change of plans: She won’t be able to go to Big Bear with Jodi this weekend because she has to go to a David Hockney reception at the Hammer. Jodi doesn’t approve.

Jodi: We’ve been doing this for 11 years, and this was the first time I was ever gonna bring anyone.
That sort of romantic, committed statement has always been the key to Bette’s businesslike heart.

Bette: F— David Hockney.
Bette leans in to give Jodi a big kiss – just as Tina and Alice are strolling up behind her. Tina watches the kiss for as long as she dares, then looks down quickly as Bette says hello to Alice and then to her.

After Bette leaves, Tina asks for the backstory on the David Hockney comment. Jodi explains, framing it as an attempt by Bette to “get out of” something.

Tina: And you didn’t let her get away with it? Good for you. Jodi: [shrugging] She made a commitment.
That might feel like a slap to Tina. She obviously thought Bette had made a commitment too, until that carpenter came along.

Alice and Shane want Tina to look at some profiles on OurChart. Tina thinks it’s “weird” to meet someone on the internet, but Shane says it’s less random than a blind date. Alice gets ready to home in on some “pretentious art people,” but Jodi wonders how you can assess something like that online.

Alice: Oh, by the way somebody answers a question on their profile. Like, favorite book. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. It’s good, promising. Nancy Drew, not so much. Tina: I love Nancy Drew. Jodi: Me too! Alice: Really? OK. All right, Nancy Drew. I mean, she is a lesbian icon.
Charlie’s Angels and Nancy Drew … gosh, what’s next in this parade of dykons? Kristy McNichol? Oh, right, Laurel already covered that one. Hey, and remember last season, when Shane called Alice “Nancy Drew”? (It didn’t really mean anything; I’m just in Rain Man mode as usual.)

During all of this banter, Tom has been eyeing Max, who is setting up his video camera. Tom takes a seat and pretends to be interested in the technology rather than the trans man.

Tom: That’s a pretty slick-looking camera you’ve got there.
Uh, smooth line. But Max is only too happy to talk about his Panasonic DVX100 (ack; did I just inadvertently collude in product placement?). He lauds its ability to record directly to his laptop over FireWire whilst still recording onto the camera. Wait; didn’t he have to change the tape a couple of episodes ago? I think I’ll just agree with Tom:
Tom: I don’t have the f—ing slightest idea what you’re talking about, but … sounds awesome.
Grace thinks their flirting is cute, and I concur.

Back at the table of trolling, Alice thinks she’s found a fishie for Tina. But Shane advises against that particular love match because the woman is kind of crazy in bed. Alice and Tina ask her how she knows that. Shane just gives them a look that says, “Oh, like you haven’t been on this show with me since 2004?”

Making things official – Captain Beech, that pseudo-friend of Tasha’s who didn’t want anything to do with her lesbo lifestyle, has now officially been detailed to her case. They discuss the allegations: First, that she was seen in the company of several openly gay ladies at the Santa Anita racetrack; second, that she was seen having a lovers’ quarrel on the base; third, that she showed favoritism to Anita Martinez, a soldier in her unit, because she was romantically involved with her. Tasha says that last thing is a flat-out lie. But Beech says it’s up to her to prove it. Why do you call this guy a friend, Tasha? I call him a four-star jerk.

After Beech mentioned the Santa Anita racetrack, Tasha looked very serious. Maybe she was having a moment of silence for Papi, who has disappeared without a trace.

Another podcast/vidcast/vlog/whatever – Alice’s guestbian on her “podcast” today is Jodi. Alice is trying to put something delicately.

Jodi: Delicately? What? I thought we were talking about sex. Alice: Yeah. Well … some people like delicate sex. Jodi: Not me. There’s nothing worse than tentative, timid lesbian sex. I would never be in one of those lesbian-bed-death relationships, where you just cuddle and, you know, say good night and go to sleep. I have a teddy bear if I want to do that.
Shane, who is watching the taping, gives that comment a hearty thumbs-up.

Alice wants to know how to sign the word lesbian, but when she finds out, she declares it unsexy. As Dorothy Snarker points out, it looks like a sideways “loser” sign. So Jodi offers an alternative, which Alice likes much better. They talk about the signs for cunnilingus and f—, and I don’t feel like I can do it justice with words and pictures. Maybe recapping sign language is like dancing about architecture.

Shane vows to remember some of the signs, but Kit pops into the frame to remind Shane that she has sworn off sex. Kit, where did you come from? You’re like the Aunt Sassy of The L Word.

Jodi shows them the sign for “F— me, baby,” which prompts Tom to look meaningfully at Max. It also prompts Alice to get personal:

Alice: Who says that to who? Bette says that to you, or you say that to Bette?
Jodi reminds her that Bette told her not to get personal. Alice promises to cut it out for “boring, boring Bette.”
Jodi: Last night, she said it to me. Kit: [plugging her ears] OK, all right, la la la la la, I don’t wanna hear what you and my sister been doing. I don’t wanna know!
Oh, totally the Aunt Sassy! (Thank you, Jill Bennett, for referencing The Comeback in last week’s We’re Getting Nowhere vlog.)

Still asking and telling – Tasha is defending herself. She’s explaining her reasoning for promoting Specialist Martinez, with whom she was not having an affair. Beech just stares at her as she talks. Tasha explains that she once comforted Martinez when she had to leave her little boy because their unit was redeployed.

Beech: When you comforted her, did you hug her?

Tasha: Is that grounds for separation? Beech: Probably wouldn’t be if you hadn’t been seen holdin’ hands with some girl at the racetrack.

Tasha is steadfast in her commitment to her country and the Army, and it’s very admirable. Too bad the camera isn’t as steadfast; what’s with the shaky handheld in this scene? Anyway, Beech says Tasha should have thought about her wish to stay in the service before she “decided to be a lesbian.”

Tasha: Let me clarify to you, Beech. I never “decided” to become a lesbian. But I decided to join the service. I graduated second in my ROTC class. I have a bronze star, with V for valor, for saving the lives of three American and two Iraqi soldiers after an IED attack in Tal Afar. I watched my staff sergeant, Robert Ganz, get his stomach blown open after a mortar attack, and held him in my arms as he died. Which, by the way, was not a romantic embrace either. I believe in American democracy, and I’m willing to risk my life for my country. Do you really think I don’t belong in this Army?
Beech softens a little. Well, not softens, exactly, but he gives her a strategy. He says he hopes that the lady in the parking lot (she of the “lovers’ quarrel”) turns out to be Tasha’s cousin, and that they were arguing about whether to put their grandmother in a nursing home. Beech, you’re still a jerk.

Tasha just marches out, looking like she’s about to cry.

Others have praised Rose Rollins for the commitment and research she brings to this role, and I’ll happily jump on that bandwagon. On the last recap, a couple of commenters who have served in the military offered their thoughts on the Tasha story line. AfterEllen.com reader HotHandle put it very well:

I have been in the Army for almost 12 years now, and I too live in fear that someone in my unit might find out that I am a lesbian, and whoops, there goes 12 years of my life and my military pension. … There are thousands of gays and lesbians serving in the military today. Don’t we deserve to serve our country and be who we are? I think so.
I think so, too. I know so.

Another outcast – At the Planet, Max wants to talk to Alice.

Alice: Oh, no, not right now. Sorry. Max: I made a podcast. Alice: [snootily] What do you mean, you made a podcast?
Alice, this makes three episodes in a row that you’ve been mean to Max! Stop it. Or maybe you’re genuinely asking the question, because you just aren’t sure what he or anyone else means by podcast. He could be talking about a batch job on an IBM 360, for all you know.

Before Max can explain exactly what he has made and what he wants, Alice gets a phone call and rudely walks away.

Easing on down the road – Bette and Jodi are on their way to Big Bear. But Bette is still futzing with her phone, so Jodi tells her to stop working. They talk about the other people who will be there, including Michelangelo, Jodi’s “best friend in the whole world.” He is many things – a “brilliant dilettante,” says Jodi. He’s a chef, house-builder, journalist, curator.

Bette: Oh, he’s a curator? Jodi: Not of your caliber, dear. You wouldn’t give him the time of day. Bette: Don’t make me out to be such a snob. Jodi: Oh, you’re a snob. Bette: No, I’m not. Jodi: Oh, yes.
It’s OK, Bette. Shane and Alice know another snob you could hang out with.

Jodi is driving, and when she signs (and when she moves to kiss Bette), she swerves all over the road. Bette gets all jumpy about it, but Jodi waves her off. It reminds me of that SUV commercial a few years back – something about staying inside the lines. Jodi is not a stay-inside-the-lines type, and Bette most definitely is. In fact, she probably drew the lines.

Home, sour home – Alice arrives at her apartment to find Tasha on the couch, looking glum. Oh, does Tasha live there now? Obviously she at least has a set of keys.

Tasha shows Alice the very official and very ominous-looking papers.

Alice: Fffaahhkk.
Alice is relieved that her name doesn’t appear anywhere on the papers, but Tasha assures her they know who she is. And it gets even more grim when Alice asks what they have to do to win.
Tasha: I have to lie. Alice: Isn’t that against your military code of honor? [after silence from Tasha] What do I have to do? Do you need me to disappear for a while? Do you need me to leave you alone? Tasha: [taking her hand] No. That’s not what I want. Alice: Because I can do that. I know it’s late in the game, but I can do that. I can be really on the D.L., you know? Like, just be really discreet, like a nonexistent girlfriend. I want you to know I can do that.
Can you? Doesn’t it, uh, sort of go against everything you’ve ever done and ever been? I think Tasha’s weak smile means she doubts the offer is genuine, and maybe even hopes it’s not. Alice promising to be discreet and nonexistent is like Kit promising not to say “Girl!” anymore. Or Jenny promising not to be a kook. Or Shane promising not to have sex.

Big Bear – Bette and Jodi have arrived at their lakeside retreat. They’re late, though; everyone else is asleep (well, everyone except the chorus of frogs in the background). But they don’t really mind, because they have some kissing and canoodling to do.

Oh, the places they’ll go! – Helena and Dusty are putting together a puzzle. It’s a map of the Pacific, or at least the part of the Pacific where you’ll find the Society Islands. Are maps allowed in prison? Forget the maps, actually – what about puzzles? You could force a puzzle piece down someone’s throat and totally choke them. Yeah, never mind; clearly I wouldn’t last a day behind bars.

But wait a sec. How cute is it that they’re whiling away the evening by doing a puzzle? It’s more like they’re retired, not restrained.

It seems that Dusty inherited property on Tahaa, a flower-shaped island that smells of vanilla. She hopes to go there if she ever gets out of jail. Helena says, “You will,” and kisses the Tahaa puzzle piece.

A guard interrupts their reverie; Helena has a visitor. She’s surprised to hear this because it’s 10:00 at night, but the guard says she has friends in high places.

Helena: Be right back. Dusty: Yeah, right.
As Helena turns to go, Dusty calls her back and gives her the puzzle piece. You can hear Lucia Rijker’s accent (she’s Dutch) in this scene, and it’s kind of sweet. Oh, fine, I’m just sweet on these two. If you share my fondness, check out the nice photos on Lucia’s website, like this one: Anyway, back to the prison. Guess who Helena’s visitor is? Peggy Peabody, in the very fine flesh. As she strides down that ridiculous hall of holding cells, an inmate gets fresh:
Inmate: Oooh, let me eat your p—y. Peggy: [stopping and facing the woman squarely] Were I receptive to such a proposition, it would first require a full booty check. And were you to pass muster, baby, I’d give it to you family style.
I just gasped so forcefully that it sounded like I was choking on a puzzle piece. Holland Taylor, you are one hot mama!

From giving it family style to protecting the family name – In the visiting room, Peggy explains her extended absence: She’s been on a treasure hunt. For antiquities. Here’s hoping you don’t end up like Marion True, Peggy P., or you might join Helena in the slammer.

Helena says she doesn’t have time for tales of Peggy’s adventures.

Peggy: Really? Well, seems to me you’ve got great gobs of time, Helena.
They don’t see eye-to-eye on much else, either. Helena tries to say she has learned a lot in jail, but Peggy is focused on posting her bail and getting her record expunged.
Helena: No, Mummy, I don’t want that. Peggy: No? No, Mummy? I don’t want what? What? Would you try to speak like a semi-literate person, please, Helena? I know that you’ve been keeping rather sordid company lately, but – Helena: I’ve been keeping very fine company, Mummy, and what I don’t want is for you to come swanning in here, throwing your money about. I know I made a mistake. I’m quite happy to finish my time and pay my debt to society.

Peggy: Helena, pull yourself together. For God’s sake, you’re a Peabody. Helena: What difference does that make? Peggy: Peabodys don’t have debts, darling. Not to anyone. And certainly not to society.
And with that, she turns and goes, leaving Helena with nothing to do but frown.

Ugh. I think I prefer the Peggy who ran off with her former fling after the Sharmen not-nuptials. This Peggy is awfully bossy.

A Big Bear morning – Bette meets Jodi’s friends. They greet her warmly (a little too warmly for her taste) and encourage her to partake of their tradition of morning mojitos, but Bette’s not inclined to indulge. (Remember when she tossed the tequila shot over her shoulder on the yacht?)

Michelangelo, aka Jodi’s best friend, calls Bette a wuss. This guy was on Cane recently, and I didn’t like him on that show either. I say “either” because I already loathe him as Michelangelo. He’s the definition of arrogance. He also sorta looks like Angus on steroids. One of the other friends says, “It’s good to put a face to those grunts and groans.” Yes, the whole group heard Bette and Jodi going at it last night. Bette immediately purses her lips and crosses her arms. She might be rethinking that mojito. Bette makes an excuse about having left something in the room and quietly leaves. The others think maybe they’ve offended her. What? Where’d you get that idea?

Sigh. Very awkward. I do love the music in this scene, though – “On My Radio” by the Selecter.

The upstanding, celibate citizen – Shane and Tina are at the gym again, where Shane is extolling the virtues of abstinence. She’s been so productive: She finally completed the insurance paperwork for the fire at Wax, and then she cleaned out her closet, ditching those nasty old Converse and low-slung jeans. She even started setting goals.

Shane: I’m telling you, Tina, this celibacy thing is like a master cleanse to my body. Ya gotta try it. Tina: You know, Shane, I’ve gone long periods without sex. It doesn’t have the same salubrious effect on me. Shane: Salubrious?

Tina: Yeah, salubrious. Shane: I like it. Sa-loo-brious.
Hee. Shane may have nice abs, but Tina has a nice vocab. Also, Shane, you can be funny. But this celibacy story line? That’s not funny; it’s laughable.

The topic once again changes to Tina’s dating habits. She has a date with a “heart doctor” and would appreciate some advice on what to wear. But Shane is in a freeze-frame of lust, having spotted a hottie who can do the splits.

Every beer commercial I’ve ever seen – Michelangelo and his motley crew are playing football by the lake. There’s a barking dog and old friends and probably a cooler of Bud somewhere. Or maybe Heineken, since this is the artiste crowd.

Bette, however, is trying to read a book and take some notes on the wonders therein. Michelangelo doesn’t approve. He hollers that they need a wide receiver, but Bette says, “No, thank you.” Whatever you think of Bette, I think you can agree that she’s no wide receiver.

One of the other friends tells Bette she’s “in violation” for working.

Bette: Well, I guess I’ll just have to get an infraction, or whatever the punishment is.
Snicker. But now Michelangelo has had enough.
Michelangelo: It’s the lake or the game. Bette: [laughing fakely] Uh, I’d like to stay here, thank you. Michelangelo: Don’t make me do it. The lake or the game. Bette: Really, the book.
And so he picks her up. He carries her to the lake. He picks her up and carries her to the lake and throws her in it. Bette Porter! Thrown into a lake! Oh, my God. That’s almost as gasp-inducing as Peggy Peabody’s dirty talk. Jodi is half horrified and half amused, and I half expect Bette to push her into the lake too as she stomps by, fury incarnate.

I guess you could say that this should be a lesson to Bette to lighten up or be more friendly or whatever, but I’m not saying that. How blind do you have to be not to know that Bette Porter does not toss footballs or get tossed into lakes? And how much of an ass do you have to be not to respect that?

But there’s no point in taking sides, anyway; clearly Bette and Jodi are doomed.

Meditation and madness at Chez Shenny – Shane is trying to meditate. But Jenny is typing and tiptoeing and finding other ways to destroy Shane’s inner peace. She even whispers, “How’s it going?” Jenny, you loon.

Max saunters in and asks Jenny to look at his podcast. But Jenny has to go to a screening, so she leaves after a few more loopy lines.

Shane hops around like she’s had too much Red Bull and then offers to watch the podcast. At last, an audience for Max! Hey, is this why the AfterEllen.com vlogs are so popular – you’re all looking for a way to distract yourself when you’re not gettin’ any? Kidding. I’m kidding!

That was … what was that scene, exactly? You could pose that question for most scenes in this episode. They’re pleasant vignettes, but I can’t find the “A” story. Not even at the bottom of the lake.

Making nice – Bette rejoins the rabble, looking like she’d rather be just about anywhere else. One of them asks her to start making the roux.

Bette: I don’t have the faintest idea how to make a roux.
So instead she gets to help Michelangelo set the table. He launches into a speech about the overpriced art market and how much she should be doing about it and how much of an Eric Fischl—collecting snob she is.
Jodi: Hey, M, be nice.
But it’s Bette who decides to be nice, just when you think she might explode with indignation. She agrees to look at some of the community art Michelangelo is praising. She must really like you, Jodi – do you see how hard she’s trying? Michelangelo gushes, “You rock my world.” Thank you, Teena Marie.

House call – Tina is at the heart doctor’s house. She’s looking lovely; I dig the jacket. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong end of a gun – At the Planet, Kit is locking up the cash. But before she can finish that task, some punks stick a gun in her face and demand that she fork it over. Why does this episode hate the Porter sisters so much?

Now that’s salubrious -The date must have gone well, because Tina’s nice jacket and everything under it comes off, accompanied by the smooth sounds of Gina Catalino’s “11:32 p.m.” The doctor reveals her doctored breasts.

Brenda: Augmented. Tina: You went for it!
And then they go for it. At one point, Brenda says, “Spread your legs open,” and then asks, “Do you like it when I talk dirty?”

Really? “Spread your legs open” counts as talking dirty? It seems more along the lines of talking doctor, and it could easily be followed by, “This might be a little cold.”

I can’t say these two have a lot of chemistry, but I’m glad Tina’s having a romp.

Good riddance to bad rubbish – Bette has packed her suitcase, and Jodi’s too. She wants to get back to L.A. to take care of Kit.

Bette: I really wanna get back before she starts drinking. Michelangelo: Oh, the girl had a f—ing gun pointed at her. Let her have a drink. Bette: Uh, my sister is an alcoholic, so that would probably be the worst thing I could do.
The look on Michelangelo’s face is almost adequate revenge for the lake incident.

But then he encourages Jodi to stay, and she actually hesitates. Jodi. That’s incorrect! She reconsiders, of course, even though one of the other friends complains that she’ll miss bowling.

And then Michelangelo asks Bette whether she just made up a story so she could leave.

Bette: Oh, yeah, I just made up that my sister got robbed at gunpoint to get out of bowling? Why would I ever want to give up the opportunity to wear smelly used shoes, drink warm domestic beer and kick your ass?
But she doesn’t even get to enjoy that victory; Michelangelo smothers her with another boorish bear hug.

I’m glad that’s over.

Bette’s house – Kit is alone and frightened. I mean, yeah, she’s at Bette’s house, so she’s not really alone. But I’m sad that she doesn’t have someone to cuddle with at a time like this. Come back, Ivan!

Kit: They took my whole week.
Speaking of cuddling – Alice is spooning Tasha as Tasha lies awake with a scowl on her face.
Tasha: They’re taking my whole f—ing life away from me.
Alice just burrows closer.

Forget what I said about this episode hating the Porter sisters; this episode hates Tasha too. And Max. Maybe everyone?

A Peabody, or a pod person? – The whole gang is at the Planet to give Helena a farewell party. Yes, farewell: Mama Peabody has the perfect solution.

Peggy: Our family doesn’t go on trial. We generally go to Europe.
That’s all fine and dandy, but I don’t like Mama P.’s other grand statement:
Peggy: I can assure you that any future rehabilitation of Helena’s character will be imposed under a more rigorous program than the Los Angeles lesbian lifestyle can provide. At least Paris, when she was in the clink, didn’t get involved with some big butch prison daddy dyke.
First, are you sure she didn’t? Second, does this make any kind of sense? This is the woman who embraced her old flame named Marilyn? And where are Helena’s kids, by the way? Oh, I must stop looking for consistency or even just a passing resemblance to seasons past.

Helena tells her friends that Dusty is enlightened and beautiful, but Mama’s not hearing it. As Anya once said on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Everyone’s uncomfortable now.”

Helena gets up to go to the loo, but she’s really trying to sneak out. Alice stops her to give her a hug and tell her she’ll miss her. Outside the back door, Shane is having a smoke. Helena shares the cigarette and her plan:

Helena: Look, can you cover for me? Say I’m in the bathroom or something? Shane: Yeah, I can cover for you. But what are you talking about? Helena: I, um … I hid the money. I’m gonna get my friend out of prison, and we’re gonna go somewhere.
Woo hoo! Can I come with you?

Shane promises not to tell anyone and pulls Helena into a farewell embrace. Then the most hilarious thing happens: Shane, in her altered-by-abstinence state, kisses Helena. It’s as bizarre as that Bette-Shane thing last week. Helena thinks so too, and pushes her away, completely confused. So Shane apologizes and explains and sends Helena on her merry way, accompanied by Uh Huh Her’s “Explode.”

Bye, Helena. We’ll miss you – every version of you, from pinched power-suit-wearing Peabody to BFF to gambling fool to skinny-jean-wearing, down-to-earth lover. She takes the puzzle piece from her pocket and holds her head high as she goes.

Next time on The L Word: Our heroines take a self-defense class; Jenny finds the star of Lez Girls; Alice gets a visit from some men in uniform.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode (with a very, very special guest-bian!), and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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