TV

“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.5 “Looking at You, Kid”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Svengali: If you don’t know, don’t worry – neither does Niki. Or does she? Fiction: Bette’s new mantra. Bad: What Alice refuses to feel when she’s trying to right a wrong. Brownies: Not gay. But so happy!
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew spins a tangled web; Alicia Leigh Willis brings the drama; Patricia Velásquez deserves more screen time; Kate French does some method acting; Elizabeth Keener is a buzzkill. And the stars of Lez Girls find their marks.

Le Méta – The lucky members of the Lez Girls cast are about to do their first read-through of the screenplay. But first, a roundtable introduction. You can tell a lot about a person by the way she introduces herself, don’t you think? It’s almost like they’re all in character already. Let’s take a gander at these budding big-screen stars. Gretchen looks nothing like Tina. And Bella/Bev looks nothing like Bette (for one thing, she’s white). Cammie looks nothing like Shane, either. But then again, who does? (Except for Sally Hershberger.) And Alysse looks sorta like Melissa Gilbert. And Kat looks like Kit might have looked when she was 15 and in an alternate universe.

So, looks-wise, I can only shrug. But some of the actresses do seem to reflect their roles in other ways: Cammie is cool and detached; Lauren is huffy (think Season 2 Helena); Bella is measured and professional. And Begonia is sensual yet approachable. The only one who rings very false, personality-wise, is Greg/Jim. I remember Tim as mostly affable and befuddled, not twerpy and loud. But, as Greg seems to realize, he’s just the token male, so who cares?

BTW, Begonia?! Like Dara did in the most recent We’re Getting Nowhere, I marvel at the name.

Tina and Jenny welcome the cast. Tina’s power suit and quirked eyebrow give her an air of authority (not to mention an air of hotness) as she introduces herself as the producer and Shaolin’s Executive Vice President of Creative Affairs. Right now she must feel more like the Executive Vice President of Creepy Analogues. (Hey, way to move up in the company, Tina. Seems like only yesterday, Helena the studio mogul was offering you a job.)

Jenny, with Adele close at hand, is perfectly mad. From her Peter Pan collar to her perky ponytail to her breathy, breathless speech, she exudes artistic temperament:

Jenny: Hi, everyone. My name is Jennifer Schecter, and I am the writer, and I’m also the director, of Lez Girls, and I just wanna say how thrilled I am, I really am, to have all of you guys here. This is the culmination of so many things for me, so I wanna welcome you guys [slamming her hands on the table and raising her voice to a yell] to the first table read-through of Lez Girls!
Everyone claps and cheers. Jenny shimmies and shakes and throws up her hands like she’s on a roller coaster. It’s your carnival, Jenny; the rest of us just live in it! (And feel woozy and get whiplash in it.) That was fun. Before we proceed, I have to mention the posters we saw on the walls as the camera went around the table. Apparently Shaolin Studios is the creative force behind such gems as Blood on the Ethernet, Something Is Wrong With Lola and Frankie Goes Underground. Can I trade in my Lez Girls ticket for one of those? (This also reminds me of that B-movie studio where Alice’s mom once had an audition; there were posters for schlocky films like 12 Steps to Hell. Come back on the show, Anne Archer!)

Of all the gin joints – Tina saunters into the Planet, wearing a very flattering black tank top and seeking solace in a bottle or possibly a friend. But what she finds is Bette, who wants to know why she’s been avoiding her. At first Tina denies it, but Bette gives her a look.

Tina: OK, yeah, maybe I have. I’m sorry. Bette: I just think we should talk about it. That’s all.
That’s all? That’s a lot.

So Tina agrees to talk and suggests they have a drink. But no, now’s not a good time for Bette: She’s meeting Jodi. Well, thanks for dangling the shiny prize and then pulling it back as soon as Tina expressed some interest. You see the way Tina’s kind of setting her jaw now? You totally asked for that. But they’re mostly nice to each other, if uncomfortable. Bette insists she’s not trying to make it difficult. She has that soft, pleading look on her face that gets me every time.

Bette: I just wanted to say I’m sorry. Tina: No, no, no. Don’t be sorry. You and Jodi are together.
Oh. I thought she was going to say don’t apologize for the kiss. OK, then I’ll say it: Don’t apologize for the kiss!
Tina: I don’t want to get into this whole f—ed-up push-me-pull-me thing with you. Let’s not get all freaked out and weird and manipulative about –

Bette: [interrupting] Am I being manipulative? Is that – Tina: No … [exasperated]

And they’re off! Just like that, Bette is defensive and Tina is weary. And who can blame either of them? But I think Tina is more aware of their old patterns, and maybe even more able to rise above them now. Bette, brilliant as she is, seems a little slow on that particular uptake.

But they take a deep breath and agree to “just talk when we talk.” They wish each other a good night. Bette looks lost and forlorn. I hate that, even though Beals despairs so very beautifully.

Downtime – Alice sits on the couch with her laptop while Tasha putters around with some papers. Homo sweet home.

Alice is looking forward to a party at Chez Shenny. The whole cast of Lez Girls will be there.

Alice: It’s like that game … who would play you in a movie. Except it’s real life. Tasha: [barely interested] Yeah. Alice: I always thought Parker Posey should play me, but …
Yep, I can see it! And with that line, I can also see Alice’s adorableness again. I’ve missed it.

Tasha doesn’t think she can make it to the party; she has a strategy session with Captain Beech. Alice encourages her to come to the party afterward, but Tasha still sounds barely interested and has wandered into a different room.

They’re soon distracted by a clip of Daryl Brewer on TV – you know, the closeted NBA star Alice caught on Razr cam last week at the down-low party. But now Brewer isn’t so cuddly and cute. He’s giving his opinion of John Amaechi, the NBA star who came out last year.

Daryl on TV: I wouldn’t want him on my team, you know? I don’t think that’s right. I don’t want any faggots in the locker room looking at me, or brushing up against me on the court. I don’t like gay people, so I let it be known.

Alice: Oh, my God, you little sneaky fag!
She calls Tasha back into the room. Daryl’s not making any new fans today.

Tasha: That little piece-of-s— poser. It’s one thing to keep your business to yourself, but it’s another thing to go spread lies and hatred. Alice: I know! He was, like, three feet away from me [narrowing her eyes] asking me about my shoes.
I love that Alice seems particularly incensed about the shoes. And I don’t know why shoes make everything funnier, but they do. Let’s get some.
Alice: It’s because of people like that that you have to fight so hard to keep your job. Tasha: Wish I could smack the s— out of that guy and out his hypocritical ass, but it ain’t gonna happen. [wandering off again]
If you could see Alice’s face right now, Tasha, you’d know something’s going to happen.

A SheBar sunrise – Shane slithers up in her Jeep. And I do mean slithers – she seems almost reptilian. Maybe she lingered too long in that VIPer room last week. Right on cue, Dawn Denbo’s lover Cindi strolls over, doing her best impression of an NC-17 carhop. They exchange morning pleasantries. Oh, interesting: It’s morning, and SheBar is buzzing. Guess they decided to sell coffee, after promising Kit they’d stick to nightlife.

Shane: I see you did the drive-through window. I remember Kit was talking about doing that. Cindi: Yeah, yeah; she told Dawn.
Huh. Well, if you’re going to steal an idea, the least you can do is be forthright about it. But Shane (with her Planet coffee cup) isn’t really very worried about the competition. She’s there to flirt. Or to do something that passes for flirting when you’re 12.

Cindi: Planet coffee? Come on, that’s so tired. You should try our new blend. It’s so much more flavorful. Shane: Oh, yeah? Cindi: Mm-hmm. Plus, we have so many other delicacies to offer. Shane: Really. Cindi: Yeah. Shane: Like what? Cindi: Tarts … pie … muffins. Lady fingers. I could go on.
How about Pepto? Or Mylanta? Or maybe a smack-frosted cinnamon roll?

Cindi invites Shane to “our place” this afternoon. “We’ll cook you up something special.” Take the Pepto now, Shane. And Cindi writes something on Shane’s coffee cup – presumably an address, but possibly a recipe for breakfast cakes. Recycle, Shane, recycle!

Playing dress-up – Jenny is helping Niki find the perfect “innocent Jesse” dress for the early scenes of the movie. And by “helping,” I mean she’s leafing through a magazine and giving snap judgments while Niki relays her romantic history. Jenny finds Niki’s narcissism boring. I find that very amusing.

Niki: Do you have a girlfriend? Jenny: No. Niki: Why not? Jenny: [mumbling] Because I have to be a good girl and be serious about my work.
Niki seems about as interested in that assertion as Jenny does. Which is to say not at all. She’s focused on her latest sartorial selection.

Jenny: No. Niki: Adele, do you like it? Adele: I think you look beautiful. Jenny: Don’t listen to her. She wears mom jeans with camel toe.

Jenny: It’s true, Adele.
Fine, but be nice to her! Oh, I don’t know why I’m saying that; I don’t think Adele is going to be nice to Jenny for very much longer. And I’m all in favor of adding fuel to that fire.

Jenny explains that Niki needs to look Midwestern because Jesse wasn’t “fashion forward” until she started “this Svengali-like relationship with Karina.”

Niki: What’s a Svengali? Jenny: A Svengali is a character in a George du Maurier novel called Trilby. And he’s a hypnotist, and he meets a young woman and turned her into a performer and his muse. And he became controlling and she found that she couldn’t perform without him.
As she says this, Jenny watches Niki, who has found the perfect Jesse dress. Jenny’s voice takes on a hint of something; something like wistfulness, or maybe desire. Who’s the Svengali and who’s the grisette? There could be more to this scene (e.g., by mentioning Svengali, Jenny could be referencing her own Jewishness; and by asking what Svengali means, Niki could be revealing her own dumbness), but I think it all comes down to this:
Jenny: Wow. That looks pretty.

Someone’s in the kitchen with ganja – Shane is making brownies. That leafy ingredient is not zucchini. (My mom used to make zucchini brownies. Don’t knock ’em till you’ve tried ’em.)

Adele comes in, startling Shane, who is wearing her iPod. Adele wonders whether she should still get some cakes for the party, now that Shane is baking.

Shane: I’m making party brownies, so don’t worry about it. Adele: Party brownies? What are party brownies?
Don’t push this naïf thing too far, Adele; people will get suspicious! Shane waves the bag of weed at her and gives her a “duh” look.

Max waltzes in through the back door (I always forget that he still lives in the studio) just as Adele starts to talk about her childhood neighbors. They had a huge pot farm, and her dad was a fireman and tried to report the potheads.

Max: I thought you said your dad was a traveling salesman. Adele: Yeah, he was. He just, um … [checking her BlackBerry] … he just volunteered for the fire department on the weekends. Max: Oh. OK.
Alice arrives as Adele rushes out to do Jenny’s bidding.
Alice: [to Shane] How’s Jenny’s indentured servant working out? Shane: I gotta say, I think she’s kinda cute. Alice: I know, in a nerdy kind of way! Max: I think there’s something kinda off about her, maybe. Alice: Really? Like what? Max: Like she’s not exactly who she pretends to be. Alice: You’re one to talk, there, Max.
No no no no. Wrong! Sigh. I guess I’ll go back to missing Alice again. Max decides to treat it as good-natured teasing – he’s a better man than I.
Max: You know what? F— off.

A sordid business – In the studio, Alice and Max get to work: The work of uploading video of Daryl Brewer dancing at the down-low party. Yes, Alice took a video, not a picture, and now she’s using it in her podcast, along with that homophobic clip from the news. She declares Daryl a “homo and a hypocrite.” Nice Perez Hilton—esque scribbling on the photo. Gah. Alice’s sign-off is also quite interesting:

Alice: I’m Alice Pieszecki, and this is Alice in Lesboland, and I’m out.
And now Daryl is too.
Max: So you’re sure you want to do this. Alice: Oh, my God, put it up. Let’s go. Launch it! What do you do?
So Max uploads the load of uppityness. My. Wasn’t there something about a nondisclosure agreement last week, when she was talking about the party? I’m guessing Barry Bird kept those on file.

Another rash decision – Shane goes to Cindi and Dawn’s house. (For a minute there, I thought Shane had brownie batter on her shirt, but I think it’s an emblem. What can I say? I know brownies, not designers.)

Dawn and Cindi have nice wall art at their house, don’t they? Cindi enters the room. She’s ready and waiting. And naked. Except for the high heels. Ugh. I guess she has a perfect body, if you’re into that. But her general porn-star-ness makes me want to call her Cinthetic.

Shane inquires as to Dawn Denbo’s whereabouts. Last week, Dawn and Cindi assured Shane that they avoid drama by always doing everything together.

Cindi: I hope you don’t mind, but I kind of want you all to myself.
Shane knows that’s a big red flag (along with the big black-and-white painting) and shakes her head. She asks Cindi to call Dawn, but Cindi says it’s no big deal. It almost seems like Shane is going to resist … and then she doesn’t. Shane. Celibacy wasn’t your thing, but neither is stupidity.

The Planet – I’m sure I’m a fool to think so, but to me, the Planet is still an oasis of common sense. Especially compared to SheBar. And speaking of that, Alice is telling Kit that SheBar (I keep typing SheBear) is now in the coffee business. Kit can’t believe Dawn Denbo stole her drive-through idea. Before Kit can really let loose – heaven forbid she be allowed to get some sympathy, or even just a few minutes to bend someone’s ear – Max calls Alice and tells her to turn on the TV.

There on the Planet’s TV is Daryl Brewer, apologizing to his family, friends and teammates, and announcing that he’s taking some time off. He looks sad. You might even say he looks Haggard.

And then Alice is on the news.

Alice: [gasping] They know my name!
Silly Alice. Of course they know your name! They’re journalists. You used to be one of those, didn’t you? Back when you were writing about vaginal rejuvenation?
Kit: [watching the TV] Girl, look at you! Look at you, you look good.
Well, yeah: She looks good because that’s a Showtime promo pic. Too. Much. Meta!

The news anchor reveals that Alice’s podcast got 500,000 hits in the first two hours it was posted. Alice, why are you so shocked? She checks her email; she has 500 new messages and can’t believe that either. For such an internet celebrity, Alice, you sure are a lead pencil kind of girl!

Shaolin Studios – Tina, Aaron and Adele are discussing important things like production and shooting and the stuff that actually brings a movie to fruition. Jenny takes them away from all that and into loony land.

Jenny: Tina? Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina! Guess who had the most amazing idea! [pointing to Niki] Guess who should be in the movie? [pointing to dog] Sounder II!
Tina tries to calmly explain that dogs are difficult and that Sounder isn’t exactly camera-ready.
Tina: I don’t know if Sounder’s ready for that. [patting Sounder’s head] Jenny: [pulling Sounder away] Well, he thinks he’s ready for it.
And she and Niki and Sounder run off to get the puppy some working papers. It’s just like “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo,” only fully – gleefully – insane.

As Tina tries not to burst a blood vessel, Aaron notes that at least Jenny and Niki are getting along now. Tina credits Adele for that.

Aaron: You saved the picture, kid.
Aaron makes that clicking-winking noise, but not half as well as Joyce Wischnia does. The minute Aaron leaves, Tina pulls Adele aside to thank her and to ask a favor. She butters her up a little, and Adele plays along, pretend to be a wide-eyed team player.

Tina: It would be great if you could just keep me apprised of anything that you might think might be an issue for production. Adele: Do you … do you mean you want me to spy? Tina: Oh, no no no, no no. I wouldn’t want you to betray any confidences. Just give me a heads-up if you see any potential problems. That’s all. For Jenny’s benefit.
Tina is brilliantly fake and schmoozy in this scene. But if she thinks Adele is even a little bit fooled by “I’m countin’ on ya,” she’s also blind. How great is Malaya Rivera Drew as Adele? Like Max said, she’s “off.” You suspect she just might have a few headless somethings in the freezer.

Grabbing her 15 minutes by the Crossfireballs – In her apartment, Alice is getting dressed and leaving Tasha a message.

Alice: I am being asked to go on Crossfireball or, I don’t know, whatever, and I posted that video of that guy Brewer, and, um, yeah, it went viral, and it’s crazy, and all these news organizations want to talk to me, so I need to talk to you, because I need to know what you want me to say. OK? It’s important to me. So please call me back. We’re gonna get those f—ers. Woo! OK, I love you. Call me. Bye.
Whoa. First, whoa at the dress! Um. Alice looks in the mirror and pronounces herself “professional.” Professional what, though? And Alice, have you met Tasha and her friend the Army lawsuit? It’s complicated. And you’ve been very aware of the complications up to now, so what should we blame for your temporary selfishness? The roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd?

On the other hand, Alice has never been one to consider all the ramifications of her actions. She’s a spitfire, and that’s usually a good thing. Go forth and spit, Pieszecki! Let’s see where it lands this time.

Old habits – Tina is strolling down a hallway. Her phone rings. Before she can even say hello, Bette says, “Hi, Tina?” Tina immediately looks up to the heavens for strength. Bette pretends to be confirming that Tina is available to take Angie during an upcoming weekend. Angie? Who dat? Oh, right – they have a kid!

Tina: Is that it? Bette: Yeah. No. Well … I don’t know.
Tina is very willing to listen; she almost seems excited. Does she think Bette wants to talk about the kiss – about them, their future, their love? Of course not. Bette wants to talk about her troubles. (She never learns.) She tells Tina all about Jodi’s student – the one with the gun.

As Bette prattles on – who knew she could be as fast as the FedEx guy? – Tina seems to silently ask herself how she ended up here again, playing confessor to the control freak. It’s enough to make her take a deep breath and interrupt Bette’s ramble.

Tina: Let her speak for herself. Jodi’s a very capable person. Bette: And very hot-tempered. Tina: Yeah. Look, I know you want to fix everything, OK? But you just have to let her fail or succeed all on her own, OK? Otherwise it’s just a disaster. For both of you.
Wait, who are we talking about, again?
 

Bette: So you’re saying that I should stay out of it? Tina: Yeah. Ah … support her, advise her, but otherwise, let her deal with it herself. Bette: OK. I’m sorry to talk your ear off. I just need somebody to talk to.

 

Hmm. It sounded like she said need. Present tense.

Bette apologizes, awkwardly, and they hang up. Awkwardly. And they part ways just like they did at the Planet: with Bette feeling confused and sad and Tina shaking her head at herself.

And I’m confused too! I do sorta want them to get back together, but not go backward together. Gah.

Party preparations – At Chez Shenny, Adele is putting up lights for the party and Shane is doing Jenny’s hair. And Jenny is eating brownies with a fork.

Max takes the opportunity to express his doubts about Adele.

Max: I, um, did a little background check on her.
I am not going to make the obvious “computer search” joke. OK, I guess I just did. Anyway, Max proceeds to point out all the inconsistencies in Adele’s stories about her dad.
Jenny: Max. I don’t need to know. This s—. Before festivities begin.
Let them eat funny cake!

Shane defends Adele, but Max has more info: The sanitarium where Adele’s mother supposedly recovered from her breakdown was actually closed during some of her recuperative years. Gosh, Max – what’s your full name again? Maxwell Smart?

Also, since we’re in research mode, are you sure it isn’t a sanatorium, not a sanitarium? Maybe it’s a planetarium.

Jenny calls Adele into the house so she can clear all this up.

Max: Jenny, don’t tell her. Jenny: Shut up. Max: Don’t! Come on! Jenny: [screaming] Adele! Shane: [patting Jenny’s head] Hey!
It’s impossible to tell whether Jenny has had too many brownies already or is just in her usual altered state.
Jenny: [to Adele] Max thinks there’s something really suspicious about you.
Adele doesn’t mind Max’s suspicions at all. She tears up and explains that her mother had to be moved to a higher-security place when she tried to commit suicide. Now that’s a conversation ender.
Adele: I’m gonna go finish. Jenny: [patting Adele] Just go finish hanging the lights Shane: [to Max] Now that was some good thinkin’.
Poor Max. We all know you’re right to be curious. And hey, Max, did you also notice that Adele is like, exactly the same as Eve Harrington in All About Eve? (Sometimes I do wonder about these things – do the characters get the references? Do the fictional actresses playing the fictionalized versions of the characters get the references? Ouch. I’m meta-stasizing again.)

I saw the news today, oh, boy – Alice is on the news show; it’s called Hardline. She’s being interviewed via satellite, which is sorta too bad – I was hoping for a Fae Buckley style of confrontation. Oh, and wouldn’t it have been awesome if they had somehow convinced Anderson Cooper to play the interviewer? At first Alice is polite and insists she didn’t originally intend to out Daryl. It was only after he made the homophobic remarks that she decided to post the video.

Interviewer: But that’s his prerogative, to say whatever he wants to. But it’s a violation of his privacy if you’re going to videotape him when he doesn’t think he’s being watched, and then have it put up on the World Wide Web. Alice: No, I … I didn’t think it would get so big.
That’s what she said. (I couldn’t resist!)
Interviewer: You never thought it would get so big? You’re an internet journalist, and you didn’t realize the power of the net? Come on. I mean, these things go viral in an instant. It destroys careers. Imus, Isaiah Washington … the list goes on. Alice: It wasn’t like that. Interviewer: Do you regret what you did, Miss Pieszecki? Do you care that you might have destroyed this man’s family? I don’t buy it. Alice: Wait a minute. Why should I feel bad for hurting this guy? I mean, when he’s hurting me and millions of other gay people by saying such hateful comments? Listen, he started this by saying awful things in the first place. Interviewer: So you’re going to take it upon yourself –

Alice: No, I’m talking. I’m not finished. Listen. Gay people are bashed and harrassed and killed every day. And then you’ve got this guy who’s gay himself, and he’s saying this garbage? It’s disgusting! I totally respect someone’s choice to stay in the closet. I do. If that’s what they want to do, I get it. But I don’t think it’s OK to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay people the next. Especially if you’re a public figure and you have people looking up to you. No, I don’t feel bad. I do not feel bad about what I did.
I rewound that a couple of times, because the impassioned tone of it was downright DeLeishous.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about this. Here at AfterEllen.com, we’ve gone back and forth about the “outing” issue a lot, especially with regard to one Ms. Jodie Foster. I don’t support forced outings, but at the same time, I sympathize with the urge to bring down a homophobe. So I’m torn. I do know, though, that I absolutely love the fact that we’re not being told exactly how to feel this time. Alice isn’t being presented as a hero or a villian. Moral relativism is fun! And again, props to Leisha for playing it this way – full of passion, but not arrogance, and with a nice big helping of that Pieszecki charm. At first I thought it seemed inconsistent for Alice to make this speech while she’s trying to help Tasha win a “don’t ask, don’t tell” case. But maybe that behavior – offering to be the “nonexistent girlfriend,” going to a down-low party – was really the inconsistent bit, and now she’s returning to form. Alice has always been very out. One of her first memorable lines on the show was (in reference to Dana), “She doesn’t want anyone to know she’s a gay lady!”

Alice supported Dana through the coming-out process, and was (before this season) supportive of Max, as well as of Tina’s bisexuality – and just about every other personal struggle every character has had, except of course for Bette’s fling with Candace. So her flirtations with silence and submissiveness have been much more troublesome to me than this reckless outing of Daryl Brewer.

If someone outed Tasha, I’m sure Alice would be upset and indignant. But what if Tasha said some really homophobic stuff, and then someone outed her? Alice might applaud through her tears.

Whew. I know, I know; less ranting, more recapping! I beg your pardon.

Best reason ever to skip a party – At Bette’s house, Jodi is getting dressed while Bette lounges on the bed. Hmm. Is Jodi just borrowing Bette’s clothes, or has she moved a few things to Bette’s place? Very intriguing. Anyway, Bette doesn’t want to go to the Lez Girls party.

Jodi: You just don’t want to give Jenny the satisfaction.
Bette insists she’s letting that go.

Bette: Jenny can do whatever she wants with her silly movie. I’m completely detached from the notion that it has anything to do with my life. It is fiction. Fiction.
Except for the parts that have a little something to do with your life, right?

What Bette really wants is a night in so she and Jodi can reconnect. And when she signs “reconnect,” it makes me swoon. Jodi kisses Bette, but is unmoved.

Jodi: I want to dance. Bette: You want to dance. Jodi: Yep. Bette: Oh, Christ.
No. You do not have Bette Porter on the bed – with her shirt unbuttoned, no less – and choose to go dancing!

But Bette concedes. And then she flops back down on the bed. And I pause and stare for a while.

Best party soundtrack ever – At Shane and Jenny’s, Lita Ford is rocking the house with “Kiss Me Deadly.” No, not the actual Lita Ford (it’s a CD or whatever) – would she have been a phenomenal guestbian or what?!

Adele is flitting around, giving everyone drinks, as the real girls meet the actresses.

Shane: So you’re playing Shaun? Cammie: Yeah. Shane: Good. Congratulations. Cammie: Thanks. You know, I’m … not gay.
And if Shane had a nickel for every time she has heard that …
Shane: OK. Cammie: I have a boyfriend. Shane: Good for you. Cammie: I just play gay. Shane: Right. Cammie: Gay for pay. Shane: [laughing] That’s cute.
It is cute! Can we please get to know Cammie a little better? She is so not Shane, though.

Bette arrives, barely managing to conceal her dislike of Jenny. As she and Jodi greet their hostess, Tina watches from the kitchen and seems to gasp a little. I don’t know if she’s wary or enchanted. Probably both, because Bette looks both formidable and flawless.

And when Bette sees Tina, her eyes linger too. They certainly are two of the prettiest people there.

Down the rabbit hole – Alice arrives at the party. Jenny introduces her to Susan, the woman playing Alysse.

Alice: Wow. Wow! You? Really? God! I don’t see it.
But Susan is giddy in an Alice kind of way, so in that sense you can totally see it.

Bette and Tina continue to watch each other. Bette finally walks over and says hello. They are nervous, edgy, and so obviously attracted to each other. Bette thanks Tina for lending a friendly ear, but before she can say more, Bella/Bev arrives. Bette knows Bella’s work and praises her for it – Bette looks so different when she’s starstruck!

Bella: I should have recognized you from your photos. I’ve been researching you online. It’s so wonderful to meet you. Bette: You’ve been researching me? Tina: Isabella is playing Bev in Lez Girls.

Bette: [laughing in a strangled way] Wow. Oh, God. [to Tina] I mean, I knew that you were in the movie; I just didn’t realize that you were going to be playing Jenny’s warped interpretation of me. Bella: It must be difficult for you, to have your life and relationships examined. Bette: No, it’s fine. It’s fiction, right? I mean, it’s fiction. Tina: It’s fiction. Bette: It’s fiction.
Ha ha! Beals and Holloman have always been better than the sum of their parts, and apparently that applies to comedic scenes too. That was genius.

Bella asks Bette to help her with her “whys” so she can better understand her character.

Bella: Why? What is it in Bev that seeks to sabotage everything she’s built? Why does she cheat with the plumber? Bette: [to Tina] Does she seriously think that Jenny’s idiotic drivel is reflective of me and my life, at all? [to Bella] I can’t answer your f—in’ “whys.” You know why? Because it’s not me. It’s not me. And, apart from anything else, I am frankly … f—ing flabbergasted – I am flabbergasted that she cast such a white actress. She’s white. OK? Was Mary F—in’ Poppins not available? I mean, really, what the f— can she possibly know about my life? What can she know?
Welcome to the Beals Emmy reel!

I ruined the joke, though – after Bette walks off, Bella turns cluelessly to Tina.

Bella: Is she black?
Bette stomps over to Jodi and says she wants to go home, and also accuses Jodi of flrting with “that Helena clone.” Jodi denies it and says Bette is insane.
Jodi: Chill out.
Whoa. Unwise! Bette leaves.

But on her way out, she runs into Tina, who apologizes for Isabella’s behavior.

Bette: You know what? The thing is, she’s not wrong. I still don’t have any answers to any of her “whys.” I don’t. Tina: What happened the other night … it was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened.
They agree that it won’t happen again.
Bette: Are you … are you sorry that it did? Tina: Yes. I am. [turning back after they start to go] Are you in love with Jodi? Bette: [after a long pause] Yes. I am.
Yes. I am too. Sorry and in love and still ridiculously attached to these characters. Wah!

Hashing it out – Shane and Alice are sitting on the kitchen countertop and eating brownies. Alice laments the fact that she still hasn’t been in touch with Tasha about the Brewer brouhaha.

Cammie strolls by, but panics and retreats when Shane offers her a brownie.

Shane: Hey, listen: They’re not gay, I promise. Alice: [baked] Oh, my God, what if they were gay! What if the brownies were gay?!
They make the brownies pretend to call each other hot. It’s like they’ve been watching the We’re Getting Nowhere re-enactments and are using brownies instead of dolls. And it’s just as funny!

Hilarity – Everyone does shots and gets happy to the infectious beats of “I Want You Back” by the Jackson Five. Look at Alice in Adele’s glasses! And soon people are singing into beer bottles and dancing on whatever surface is handy. Alice and Shane are the best BFFs ever. And so are Tina, Alice and Shane. And so is … everybody! That was so much fun! That’s what we’ve been missing – these used to be characters whose parties we wanted to attend. I think this one was the event of the year.

But the needle soon scratches on the record – not literally, though I’m surprised ezgirl didn’t go with that sound effect. It’s just as shocking when Dawn Denbo barrels through the crowd and turns off the sound system.

In the stark silence, she confronts a very stoned Shane.

Shane: Cindi! Dawn: Ha, Cindi, no. I’m f—in’ Dawn Denbo. And this is my lover Cindi.
Elizabeth Keener, you are my lover Cindi every time you deliver that line so hilariously.

Shane (standing on a table next to a very giggly Alice, Tina and Jenny) is way too unfocused to understand the gravity of this situation, so Dawn makes it really clear:

Dawn: You’ve messed with the wrong bitch, bitch. You f—ing come into my house and f— my beautiful girlfriend without even the courtesy of inviting me? Shane: Cindi, you said it was OK! Dawn: You expect me to believe that? You think I’m an idiot? Does it look like I was born yesterday? Shane: [snickering] What do you think? Dawn: Oh, motherf—er. OK. That’s funny. No, that is. You know what I’m gonna do? [looking at Cindi] Babe, just for you. [back to the giggling group] You know what I’m gonna do? I am going to f—ing ruin you. And every one of your smug-ass motherf—ing friends. [zeroing in on Jenny] And you, I don’t even know you, but you’re going down too.

Dawn: And your stupid-ass f—ing Planet? It’s done. All right? It’s all done.
Everyone’s still staring and snickering – but starting to get the idea that this is serious, too – as Dawn delivers her final decree.
Dawn: It’s on. All right? It’s f—in’ ON.
After they leave, Alice asks who that was, so Shane drunkenly says, “They’re the two girls that own SheBar.” And our heroines collectively holler, “Oh!”

Crazy. In both an amusing way and a frightening way. Dawn Denbo is demented!

Meta and meta-er – Niki and Jenny are waiting in line for the bathroom. Niki is trying to understand a similar scene in Lez Girls. You know the one: that fateful night when Marina and Jenny whispered to each other about their most “influential, important, life-altering book of all time,” and then made out in the bathroom.

They decide to workshop the scene, even though Niki keeps cracking up.

Jenny: You’re sitting across from this woman, and she’s, like, the most alluring, intoxicating woman of your whole life. She’s, like, talking about, like, f—in’ “Silver Water,” and you’re, like, going insane, and your, like, heart is, like, in your throat, and then you remember that you have this man named Jim, who likes to swim.
Can anyone really blame Niki for cracking up at this point? Jenny decides to play Karina. Hey, look at that blonde who has just lined up for the loo behind Jenny. I don’t think it’s the same one who lined up behind Marina, but they could be cousins. Jenny and Niki slip into the bathroom. Wait; I’m not ready to relive this scene! Jenny’s accent is perfectly vampy and goofy, but it soon turns from entertaining to erotic as they kiss.

Jenny: See? Now you have to go. Niki: Or … Jesse stays. Jenny: Niki stays.
Next thing you know, they’re having sex in a closet to the pop perfection of Asobi Seksu. And I guess we’ll blame the brownies for one weird thing Jenny does: She snaps Niki’s bra straps. While the bra is still on her. Uh, how would that ever be sexy or enjoyable in any way?

But they’re sort of sweet as they laugh their way through it.

Niki: We’re gonna f— in a closet. Jenny: The irony hasn’t escaped me.
Forget that: What about the fact that you’re f—ing the star of the movie, who is playing you in the movie? Narcissism isn’t a strong enough word.

Is this the first time we’ve seen Jenny “on top,” or am I just blocking out all memories of her sexcapades?

One more shout-out to the pilot episode – The rest of the revelers sneak over to Bette’s pool. Shane announces, “I used to f— in this pool,” while Tina says, “This used to be my pool.” It’s too trippy; I keep expecting Tim to show up.

While Shane and Tina splash around, a grumpy Bette picks up the phone to make a noise complaint.

Sobering up – Alice goes back into the house to restore her buzz. Tasha’s there to greet her, and by “greet,” I mean “bite her head off.”

Tasha: Why would you do that? Alice: Do what? Tasha: Out that guy like that. You turned his whole f—in’ life upside down. Alice: I did that for you! Tasha: What are you … what are you talking about? Alice: You said, “I hope that guy gets what’s coming to him,” so I gave it to him. Tasha: Yeah, but it’s not your job to put his business out there like that. Who are you to judge that man’s life? You don’t know what he’s going through or what his circumstances are. What’s the difference between you outing him and the military outing me? Alice: Oh, my God, that’s so different!
I agree with you on this one, Alice. But Tasha doesn’t. Alice reminds Tasha that she tried to call her to make sure the TV thing was all right.
Tasha: How can that be all right? That’s – that’s your problem. You never think. Alice: I am so f—ing sick of you talking to me like that.
So Tasha finally gets to the point:
Tasha: Did you ever think that this might not be the most discreet thing to do while I’m prepping for my hearing? You know that they’re watching me! Alice: You are such a f—ing hypocrite. You say you don’t want what you’re going through to change my life, and then the second I do something that I want to do, you get mad at me. Tasha: You’re not getting my point. Alice: Why is my life supposed to stop because you wanna live in a f—ing closet? I did not sign up for that bulls—. You did. I am allowed to say what I want and do what I want and f—ing out who I want and love who I want, because I live in the goddamn U.S. of f—ing A. Tasha: And I’m the one out there fighting for your right to be ignorant.
Those last two lines captured them both so perfectly – and might also have captured the reason they just can’t work as a couple. Can we go back to the jumping and dancing and singing into beer bottles?

Cleaning up – Adele is inside, picking up empties and tidying things. (It reminds me of that Jane Siberry song, “The Waitress“: “I am a drag at parties/’Cause it upsets me/To see so many empties/And I have to pick them up/Or I have to go home.”)

As she collects rubbish, she sees a big mess: Jenny and Niki in the closet. You can almost see the wheels spinning in Adele’s brain as she calculates how best to use this information. Home again – Tina stands outside her car and tries to call a cab. Jodi sees her and thinks she’s trying to drive home, so she takes her inside (that would be inside Bette’s house) to sleep on the sofa.

Tina: I can’t stay here. [snorting and chuckling] Did you know I used to live here?
Jodi gets Tina some water. Bette emerges from the bedroom, muttering, “That party was like the ninth circle of f—ing hell.” Yeah? Wait till you see your own living room.
Jodi: Tina got really drunk.
Bette steps slowly toward the living room. Her face seems to say, “Is this my life, or a tailored torture to help me answer all those ‘whys’?” She turns and goes back to bed.

Next time on The L Word: Shane tries to apologize to the SheBar shrews; filming starts on Lez Girls; Alice and Tasha continue to come apart; Joyce is back; Bette and Tina face off.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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