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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.7 “Lesbians Gone Wild”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Principles: Fine for captains, but colonels prefer codes. Fun gay: What Alice was before she got bitten by the fame bug. Falling in love: The opposite of selling out. Sassy: Sometimes confused with bored.
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew rehearses; Alicia Leigh Willis surrenders; Elizabeth Keener zeroes in on Shane’s soft spot; Kate French says the other L word; Patricia Velásquez critiques Shane’s technique; Clementine Ford is bored; Kelly McGillis reimagines Top Gun; Danielle Kremeniuk catches Tina’s eye.

Some preliminary thoughts – We sure have been having fun with movie references this season, haven’t we? In the recap for Episode 5.2, I noted that Adele’s last name, Channing, calls to mind All About Eve. And many an eagle-eyed reader has pointed out other references, to The Last Picture Show, Pretty Woman, Shampoo and more. So over the weekend, I decided to watch All About Eve again, to enhance my spot-the-reference skills and possibly gain some insight into Adele’s machinations. There certainly are some similarities, such as the phone call Eve places to Bill without telling Margo – that’s just like Adele texting William on Jenny’s behalf. And Malaya Rivera Drew is as compelling as Anne Baxter (who plays Eve Harrington in the movie), and every bit as skilled at conveying a quiet, just-might-strangle-you-in-your-sleep determination.

But here’s what I really learned from watching All About Eve: Movie homages are fun and all, but original stories are even better.

A Lez Girls scene – A reporter is talking into a camera; it seems someone is filming the filming. Do we really need another layer of meta?

Reporter: And we’re here on the set of Lez Girls, where director Jennifer Schecter is filming her groundbreaking new movie about a close-knit group of lesbian friends living in Los Angeles. Let’s take a look!
Hey, that music sounds kind of familiar. Oh, it’s the same groovy tune (“Swing Out” by Elizabeth Ziff) we heard during the Charlie’s Angels spoof in Episode 3 this season. I guess we can consider this the Lez Girls theme song. I much prefer it to, uh, other theme songs.

The moviemakers are filming a Niki/Jesse-Begoña/Karina scene at the Pluto Cafe. Jenny and Adele are even more doppelgangy than usual, with their gum and hair and clothes. No, not gum in their hair and clothes; at least, not yet. Obviously Jenny has been working on her directing style: This time she whispers “Action,” instead of shrieking it like a four-year-old who’s been mainlining Kool-Aid.

Niki, on the other hand, has been spending too much time studying Jenny and not enough time studying Jenny’s script.

Niki: Line? Script supervisor: “I, no, I, it’s just, you know, I thought I should tell you …”
Ha ha! That’s some scintillating dialogue, all right. Director Schecter herself sort of waves the line away. Several AfterEllen.com readers have noted in the recap comments that Jenny’s writing is being mocked this season, rather than lionized as in previous seasons. That is indeed awesome – we thank you, Mama Chaiken.

And you know what all this stuttering is leading up to, don’t you?

Niki: I’m not a … Karina: A big coffee drinker?
Jesse guffaws. Aw, but I loved that line when Marina said it! But I guess that might have had a lot to do with the real Karina. Not that Patricia Velásquez is any less sexy. (By the way, isn’t it awfully cheeky to give the Lez Girls character the same name as the actress who played Marina?)

Begoña isn’t willing to laugh it off:

Begoña: Jenny, I can’t work like this. Niki: It’s funny! Oh, my – Begoña: Funny?! Niki: Screw you, Begoña. You know, I am so sick of you ragging on me all the time. You know, how am I supposed to act with her, like, hating me across the table? Begoña: It’s called acting. Why don’t you try it? Niki: Oh, it’s called acting with an a–hole.
Tina turns to the camera and suggests that this might not be the best time to film the filming. Jenny didn’t even notice that was happening, so she intervenes:
Jenny: Who the f— is – who the f— are you?
This is weird. As Tina and Jenny look into the camera, it’s like they’re seeing us, the audience, and it’s just as weird as when Harold Crick hears his author in Stranger Than Fiction or the family demands a playwright in Six Characters in Search of an Author. And it’s even weirder because of Jenny’s glasses. They remind me of the Land of the Giants coloring book I had when I was a kid. Tina explains that the filming is part of EPK, but Jenny doesn’t know what that stands for. I know it stands for Electronic Press Kit, but let’s just pretend it stands for Eviscerated, Peyote-chomping Kook.

Gum-chomping Adele explains that the studio is trying to get behind-the-scenes footage for the DVD extras. Gosh, Adele knows a lot about the biz, doesn’t she?

Jenny: They’re gonna put this on the DVD? But the DVD hasn’t been released yet.
I think maybe those glasses make Jenny dumb, sorta like Natalie’s lightning-bolt hat made her smart on The Facts of Life.

Jenny tells us, and/or the camera operator, to get the f— off her set. Cue that other Ziff-a-rific theme song!

The Lez Girls lot – Someone is handing out postcards for an event at SheBar. I must take a moment to roll my eyes at the address: 69369 Santa Monica Blvd. How very clever.

Tina and Adele are talking with a crew member about the Niki-Begoña clash. Tina emphasizes that it’s important for Niki to stay focused. Hey, who is that crew member? She was on the last episode, too, at the very end: I notice her when she shows up, because it’s like, “Whoa! There’s an actual lesbian on the show!” I don’t know her name yet, so let’s call her Butch the A.D. for now.

Adele just happens to be staring at a SheBar postcard, so Tina grabs it and has a small tizz:

Tina: Oh, my god, there is no way I’m going to let Dawn Denbo and her lover, Cindi, recruit customers from our set.
Ah, lover Cindi. I don’t think that’s ever going to get old; I still giggle every time.

Tina exhorts Adele not to let Niki see the postcards and to confiscate them wherever she finds them. Speaking of how easily distracted Niki is, there’s the starlet and her director, walking arm in arm and discussing the difficult Begoña.

Niki: Begoña is such a [spelling] C-U-_-_. Jenny: That’s very good. You know how to spell c—.
Ack. I found it a lot more enjoyable when Jane Fonda said it.

Jenny begs Niki to be nice to Begoña in the interest of making the scenes better. Niki agrees, but says she’s only doing it for Jenny. They steal a few smooches before going back to work. Niki asks Jenny to visit her in her trailer later, but Jenny says she has to “be serious.” Jenny’s pretty adorable when she’s in love, isn’t she? Like most people, I suppose. Oh, did you see the writing credit there? But take heart: The next credit is “directed by Angela Robinson.” On second thought, maybe that won’t even help. They might just cancel each other out in an explosion of talent and anti-talent.

A silver fox – Oh, yum, it’s Kelly McGillis. She’s playing Colonel Gillian Davis, a golf-loving, single-malt—sipping prosecutor on loan from the National Guard – sort of a mashup of her characters in Top Gun and The Accused. She meets Captain Beech and practically licks her chops:

Colonel Davis: Ah, so you’re the enemy. Captain Beech: I certainly hope not, Ma’am; we all serve the same country. Colonel Davis: Well, there’s no need to start sweatin’. I haven’t gone over the caseload yet. Captain Beech: I hope to give you a run for your money, Colonel. Colonel Davis: Well, that’s good. I enjoy a man with confidence. It makes it all that much more enjoyable when I crush him.
First of all, how hot is Kelly McGillis in a uniform? Second, the way she said “Don’t start sweatin'” seemed very Joyce Wischnia—esque. How hot a couple would Kelly McGillis and Jane Lynch be? Lawyers in love!

And last, I don’t think her “crush him” line was strong enough – she deserves better. There’s just not enough oomph. Here’s how I might rewrite it:

  • Option 1: “I enjoy a man with confidence. Confidence makes such a satisfying sound when it crumbles.”
  • Option 2: “I like confident men. They shatter so spectacularly.”
  • Option 3: “I like a man with confidence. Or I would, if I liked men.”
Captain Beech goes right to his office, where Tasha is waiting. He tells her the bad news and they do a computer search for more info on Colonel Davis. She was the prosecutor on a famous hazing case at West Point, and Tasha concludes that Davis is “highly principled.” But Beech says that’s not the point: In that incident, Davis emphasized the importance of the uniform code of military justice and the honor code.

Tasha: [reading] “Maintaining these codes is paramount to keeping the military strong and, ultimately, keeping our nation secure.” Captain Beech: That is practically verbatim the military’s stand on homosexual conduct.
Trouble is, the military doesn’t just stand on homosexual conduct; it tramples it.

Talk talk – Alice is guest-hosting on The Look, that talk show she mentioned in the last episode. Again, how unoriginal is that name? They might as well have called it The Vue.

Host: So call in and let us know what you think about our special guest host, Alice Puh-shecky. Alice: Pieszecki.
Heh. I guess maybe the host was thinking of Alice’s distant cousin, Shecky Pieszecki.
Host: … who is here with us today direct from her ultra-hip and controversial website, MyChart. Alice: OurChart. Yeah.
The two regular hosts discuss the merits and pitfalls of the internet. One of them thinks it’s mostly “for cowards to voice opinions without proof, facts or consequences.” Well, who said every opinion is an informed one? These things have their gradations. As for consequences, I’ll agree with you there. It’s definitely amazing, the things people get away with on the interwebs. In fact, if I were to recap on paper instead of in consequence-free cyberspace, I’d probably be in Guantanamo right now!

Alice insists that the internet is a great source for news, but the fact-focused host argues that “real reporters show their faces and say their names.” And who can believe what’s on Wikipedia these days?

Alice: But does anybody really believe what they hear on Fox News?
Nice one, Al! Maybe Bill O’Reilly will rant about this; he does love to talk about lesbians.

Exes and earrings – At Bette’s house, Kit is watching The Look and hating the host who’s giving Alice “a hard time.” Bette is putting on earrings and pitching a fit:

Bette: I cannot believe Phyllis roped me into this. Like I don’t have enough to do without spending the day with Molly, babysitting, showing her that lesbians can be respectable, stable, accomplished people, or whatever the hell it is I’m supposed to be doing.
I sure don’t know what the hell it is I’m supposed to be doing when Bette’s beauteousness is on the screen. Bette plans to take Molly (Phyllis’ daughter) to some galleries and then to the Lez Girls set. Kit is sitting there looking bored, so Bette invites her to tag along.
Kit: I’ve got nothin’ but time since the Planet was closed this week.
Poor Kit. Always relegated to exposition and jive.

Jodi won’t be joining them because she’s having lunch with Amy, her ex. Just as a friend. Before we can get Bette’s opinion of that kind of friendliness, Molly arrives. She has a bad attitude about art, and an even worse attitude about The Look.

Molly: [pointing to the TV] I’m so glad that Kelly Corrigan left that show. She was obnoxious. Jodi: Alice is a friend of ours. And your mother, too. [as Bette thwaps the back of her head] Ow!
Bossy Bette has it all: humor, sex appeal, a mean uppercut.

As Alice continues to chatter on The Look, Molly recognizes her as the interviewer on “my mother’s degrading podcast.” Aw, come on, Molly: Alice’s podcast doesn’t get very much traffic. Oh, wait.

Little boxes in the hallway – Tasha is strolling along, minding her own business. She sees Colonel Davis wrangling a bunch of boxes and figures she can help.

Colonel Davis: If you wouldn’t mind grabbing that case …
Don’t touch it, Tasha! It could be a portable annihilate-the-homos bomb! They shake hands, and Colonel Davis inquires about Tasha’s combat history. And she reveals her own, which consists of little more than a skirmish in Panama in ’89:
Colonel Davis: Lawyers don’t exactly get to see a lot of action.
We don’t believe you for a minute, Colonel Carnal.

Tasha admits that her company is deployed in Iraq right now, and that she’s been held back.

Tasha: I’m being reviewed for separation. Colonel Davis: On what violation? Tasha: Chapter 15.
The subtle changes in Kelly McGillis’ expression are marvelous: What was simple congeniality is now a complex storm of sympathy, concern, fear and frustration. And then she refines all that complexity into pure annoyance and tells Tasha they’re not supposed to talk until the hearing.
Tasha: I’m sorry, Colonel. I was just trying to give you a hand. Colonel Davis: You are dismissed, Captain.
I thought I was tired of this story line, but it just got interesting again.

All the girls love Alice – The gals at The Look are still in high gab gear.

Host: Well, it looks like we’ve got our topic of the day. The internet: Do we believe it?
Uh, do we believe it? You mean, do we believe it’s a series of tubes? Because that’s no longer in question.

They go to commercial, and during the break, the producer and hosts give Alice her mission indefensible. They want her to be out and proud, but on their terms.

Producer: We just want the right kind of gay. Alice: Oh. Host: Like, fun gay. Not angry gay. Alice: Fun gay.
Alice says “fun gay” in a very exaggerated way, as if it’s a cross between fungi and algae. Which it probably is.

This loathsome turn of events reminds me of a story line on Queer As Folk, when Emmett tried to be the “Queer Guy” on a local newscast. He was so successful in being “fun gay,” they told him, “Even people who hate fags love you.” But then he found his brain again and kissed his boyfriend on the air, so we can only hope Alice has a similar sort of redemption.

But not tonight. The Look gals want her to reproduce her Daryl Brewer stunt as often as possible – in other words, they want her to out someone on every episode. Every episode? I don’t think the gay mafia is actually that big. Where’s Whoopi Goldberg and her incredulous, are-you-crazy look when you need it? That’s the look this show deserves.

Alice considers this devil’s bargain, but not carefully enough. When they come back from commercial, she takes a deep breath and sells her soul:

Alice: Which Hollywood, little Maxim-endorsed gorgeous little starlet is a little bit closer to her role as a sapphic sister in Hollywood’s new girl-on-girl smoochfest?
No. No no no! Where has our beloved Alice gone? As Dorothy Snarker puts it, she’s definitely a pod person now, and it’s ghastly.

But there’s also something on Alice’s face – because DeLeishous is that good – that suggests she knows she shouldn’t be doing this. The honest, adorkable sweetheart who showed up on Dana’s doorstep is still in there somewhere. I want to believe.

Oh – I must mention that the wide-mouthed host called OurChart “TheirChart.” OurChart, MyChart, TheirChart – pronoun humor is such a gas! Let’s call it ZirChart and be done with it. And let’s bid good riddance to this scene already. Alice takes us to the commercial:

Alice: Fun gay!

Niki’s trailer – How do you have a party in a trailer? Apparently it involves lots of women, snacks and beverages. So, like any other party, I guess. But this one just seems like a lot of posing.

Jenny interrupts and asks Niki to shoo everybody out. One of Niki’s friends says, “Booty call!” as the crowd shuffles out. And it very quickly turns into that, even though Jenny was supposed to have a serious discussion with Niki about “being subtle” on set. Is it just me, or does Jenny sound like she’s talking with her mouth full when she talks in between kisses? It’s not very appetizing.

Tina’s trials – Outside on the lot, Tina is trying to calm Niki’s managers. She says the studio will issue a press release that Gretchen Pickles (Nina) is the only gay cast member. Before the managers can scream at her further, Sam, the director of photography, comes to the rescue. She and Tina walk and talk; Sam asks for a crane.

Tina: What are you going to give me if I give you a crane? Sam: My undying love and devotion.
Sam smiles and plays with her hair, and that British band the Streets have explained what that means. But never mind that; guess who has recently arrived on set and is watching all this flirting from afar?

Kit: I think Tina’s got a thang going on the set! Bette: [nervously] Ha ha ha ha.
But what Tina really has is a bad case of loving Bette, and Sam senses something.
Sam: Is that your girlfriend? Tina: No, no no no. Ex. Ex ex. That’s my daughter’s other mother.
OK, but she’s also your other lover. Tina introduces Sam to Kit, Bette and Molly.
Tina: This is our D.P. She shot Miss Otis Regrets.
Hey, that’s the title of a Cole Porter song that has been recorded by everyone from Ella Fitzgerald to Bette Midler to Tori Amos. I have no idea what that might mean, except perhaps that Bette is unable to lunch today.

Sam scoots away, sensing the tension between Tina and Bette. Kit is on another wavelength, though:

Kit: Bow-wow-chick-a-bow-wow!
Pam Grier. You rock my socks! Her line delivery is way over the top in this episode, and it’s perfect. Why not just go nuts, if all you’re going to get to say is “bow-wow-chick-a-bow-wow”?
Tina: What? Bette: She was flirting with you. Tina: Oh, don’t be silly.
Bette and Tina pretend they have to talk about preschool, so Kit and Molly go off to tour the set on their own. I’m honestly not sure which pair I’d follow, given the choice. Angry gay, or fun gay?

Peaceful gay – Jodi and her ex, Amy, are having lunch. The contrast is striking – instead of Kit’s porny sound effects and Jenny and Nikki’s gurgly kisses, there are just hands and smiles.

Oh, but there’s also one more C word, as Amy signs, “I was such a c— to Bette.” Enough already!

They talk about the whole friends-with-my ex thing. Jodi notes that Tina and Bette “have a kid together,” so they have to be friends. If only she knew about the benefits.

Amy: How is it with you two? Jodi: It’s good. Really good. Sometimes she’s moody and I have no idea what’s up with her. But usually we communicate really well. And the sex is … Amy: I’m happy for you, but I’d rather not hear about the sex.
Crap; it was just getting good. And Jodi is looking quite lovely in this scene. Amy apologizes for giving Jodi so much grief about dating a hearing woman.
Jodi: You said I was selling out.
Hey, that’s nothing; you should see Alice lately.
Amy: I knew you weren’t selling out. You were falling in love.
Jodi smiles and says, “Thank you.” Isn’t it nice when exes can get along?

It’s also nice when they can get busy – Bette and Tina are surveying the bedroom of Bev and Nina.

Bette: It looks like the children’s department at God-knows-where.
It does. And your hair looks like the tragedy department at God-knows-why. Bette wonders which side of the bed is Nina’s. Tina plays along, and they’re very cute as they stretch out on their respective sides. I wonder what happens if you have sex on the bed that belongs to your fictional counterparts? Do you go through a wormhole, or do you get virtually pregnant?

Bette: Do you have any hard rock candy? Tina: No. But I have some pot.
I had no idea what that meant, and the best I could find with a computer search was something kinda gross. I’ll just focus on the intense attraction between Bette and Tina, because it is definitely delicious.

But before they can smoke pot or suck on candy or anything else, the radio squawks to life: “Anyone got a 20 on Tina?” Bette and Tina fly apart like high schoolers caught necking.

Tina: Gotta go. Gotta put out the fire.
Which fire would that be, exactly?

Out of favor – A security guard won’t let Alice enter the Lez Girls set.

Alice: Have I told you that I’m the earth mother of the producer’s child?
The earth mother! Bwahahaha. I forgot about that. Alice tells the guy to just “Call Tina Kennard,” and she pronounces it kuh-NARD. I’ve never really know how to pronounce Tina’s last name. At some point during Season 1, it was KEN-erd. And then there was Kenter and Portard. As long as it’s not canard, I guess.

Tina shows up and confirms that Alice is indeed banned from the set.

Alice: What’d I do?! Tina: You went on national television and you outed the lead of our movie!
Alice insists it wasn’t really an outing because no names were specified, but that argument doesn’t fly with Tina.
Alice: She’s a lezzie! It’s a lezzie film! What’s the big deal? Tina: It’s because this is a lesbian movie. Alice: What the f— does that mean? Tina: We want this movie to reach a large, mainstream audience, all right? And if everyone thinks the lead of our movie is gay, then that makes it a small, little niche film.
She does have a point. But sometimes the acting makes a bigger point. For example, nobody thought Heather Graham was gay; they just thought Gray Matters was small in lots of other ways.

And just when it seemed like our dear old Alice was long gone, we catch a glimpse of her:

Alice: What the fffahhkk is up with everybody these days? Am I, like, some sort of idiot, that I’m out? I mean, is the joke on me? ‘Cause I don’t get it. [seeing that Tina is shushing her] It’s OK. Forget it. [turning to go] This is crazy. Tina: Alice? Alice: [growling] Hmmm? Tina: Look, you can’t blog about this, OK? Alice: [gasps]

Tina: This could really hurt the movie. Alice: You’re gonna insult me now?! I am your friend, Tina. You know, I wouldn’t do that to you. Tina: Look, I’m sorry. Let’s have a drink later. Alice: Oh, yeah, that sounds fine. If I didn’t have to drive to f—ing Long Beach to meet with the lawyer who’s trying to ruin Tasha’s career. You know, the hypocrisy, it’s just, like, oh, it’s a little too much for me these days. Tina: Alice … Alice: Oh, I have an idea. Why don’t you and Colonel Davis meet, and you guys can talk about how to keep gays out of the movies and out of the military. Ooh, fun for you.
No matter how I might feel about Alice, I still love me some Leisha.

The hair and makeup trailer – Shane is flirting with Molly. Look at Kit in the background, enjoying the show! Molly says she didn’t see Shane at Phyllis’ party.

Shane: Yeah, I didn’t think you would. I noticed you were too busy checking out those 50-year-olds in their black bras. Diving into your mother’s swimming pool.
Shane still knows how to get the girls to smile. Bette shows up and announces that they have some “honorable and privileged” chairs on set if they want them, so Molly and Kit leave with her. Bette shoots Shane a warning look on her way out. She wasn’t the only one who saw the sparks.
Begoña: You could have used a better line on Molly. Shane: Yeah. I’m tryin’.

The sex trailer – Jenny and Niki are all post-coital and blissed out in Niki’s trailer. Niki wants to go out tonight, but Jenny says they have to work.

Jenny: I’m old. I have responsibilities.
While I was watching All About Eve over the weekend, I wondered whether Jenny and Niki’s age difference is going to become a big thing like it was between Margo and Eve. (Uh, not that Margo and Eve had quite the same things between them as Jenny and Niki do.) Because if there’s one thing you can say about Mia’s age, it’s that it is very beautiful. The years have lent her face some gorgeous depth. Niki asks Jenny whether she wants kids someday.
Niki: I want lots of kids. And I wanna have your kids. Jenny: No, you don’t. Niki: Yes, I do.
Niki spins a fairy tale of a big family and distant lands.
Jenny: Oh, wow; no one’s ever said that to me before.
Aw, Jenny. You’re breaking my heart, and not with your psychoses for a change! I genuinely feel for her; this is some big stuff. She gets a little teary, and then the radio interrupts, just like it thwarted Tina and Bette. But Niki doesn’t care if they get caught.
Niki: I love you.
And Jenny, as only Jenny would, responds by giving Niki a hickey. A hickey for Niki is like a Hallmark card!

Let’s make a deal – Colonel Davis calls Captain Beech. She perches her glasses on top of her head so she can see the numbers on the phone, and for some reason it’s ridiculously sexy. Colonel Davis wants to help Tasha. In a manner of speaking.

Colonel Davis: Listen, I want you to take my advice and settle. Get her out before it gets ugly. Honorable discharge, all full benefits. Beech: She’s not gonna accept that.
But Colonel Davis insists, so Beech relays the offer.
Tasha: Will you tell her to f— off, please? Beech: [into the phone] Colonel, my client respectfully declines your offer.
Ma’am, yes, ma’am!

Pluto is not a Planet – Kit, Shane and Molly stroll through the set. Kit can’t believe how detailed the Pluto Cafe is.

Kit: I should open up a business in here since them SheBar bitches shut down the Planet, man. Shane: When can you reopen, anyway? Kit: In a week. I still have one more inspection, then I gotta drop eight Gs for all that s—, man. I’ma get those ho-bags back. I swear to God, you mark my words. Them she-bitches.
Shane looks a little bit scared. And she should be: Who knows where Kit is keeping that gun of hers these days?

   

Nearby, Adele finds Niki and just happens to drop a SheBar postcard right in front of her.

Niki: Lesbian Turkish oil wrestling? Tonight? Oh, my God, we’re going!
As Niki flutters around Jenny, Bette and Tina stroll by. Bette thinks Niki is cute; Tina knows Niki has discovered something she shouldn’t have.
Adele: Tina, I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened. I thought I got rid of them all, but somebody must have … sorry.
Precious, well-meaning Adele. Tina thanks her for trying.

Bette seems to be very interested in the goings-on with Niki and Jenny, but her body language says she’s also very interested in Tina. She’s swaying and giggling. Tina is no less giddy. But Bette has to go, so Tina says, “Call me, or I’ll call you.” They both walk away with sly smiles on their faces. What if this is what Bette loves? What if she loves the flirting and danger and heightened everything that comes with a clandestine romance? Will anyone get a happy ending if that’s the case?

Bette walks back over to the chairs where Kit, Shane and Molly are observing everything. It sort of reminds me of the Slim Daddy video shoot – except Dana was in one of those chairs. Sniffle.

Kit: They really respect Tina. Bette: [watching Tina and Sam talking] Of course they do.
Bette has to get back to the office, but Molly doesn’t want to go with her.
Shane: Yeah, I – Bette: You’ll what? Shane: … will take her home. Bette: Mm-hmm. [to Molly] You have fun.
Heh. Bette is the only one who’s able to make Shane feel small.

As Bette leaves, Butch the A.D. tells another crew member they’ll need Niki in 10 minutes. Adele happens to be passing by and offers to take the message to Niki. Oh, boy.

A sympathetic ear – Niki is fiddling with some Sidekick-like phone, bemoaning the fact that she has to work while others wrestle in oil. Adele says it must be hard for her, and reveals that some actresses insist on more time off and shorter hours.

Niki: Hey, how much time before you think they need me again? ‘Cause SheBar’s right down the street …
Adele ponders this, then says she “thinks” she heard them say it would be another hour and a half. It’s almost too easy, isn’t it, Adele? Niki promptly texts her friends.

Not easy at all – Bette lies on her bed, looking forlorn. Jodi peeks in and asks how the rest of her day was, then launches into her own tales of Amy and lunch. A kind of desperation crosses Bette’s face, and she pulls Jodi to her. They hug, and it’s almost tender, but then it becomes needy and almost frightening. Bette won’t let Jodi touch her, but wants her there as she touches herself. That was almost as shocking as the brutal Bette-Tina sex at the end of Season 1. I don’t think that’s coincidental: This is how pain and guilt look in the bedroom. Naming names – On the film set, Molly is bored. Shane offers to take her out later.

Molly: [laughing] Sure. Shane: What? Molly: My mother told me all about your little game. You’re like the Fonz or something, for lesbians.
Ahahaha! So perfect. And isn’t Molly pretty? She sorta looks like the love child of Shane and Phyllis, come to think of it.

Shane doesn’t like her new nickname, no doubt because it hits a little too close to home.

Shane: I’ll give it to you: You’re sassy. No one’s called me that before. Molly: I’m not sassy; I’m bored. But not bored enough to sleep with you.
Woo! Remember the last woman who got sassy on Shane? They almost got married.

Elsewhere, Jenny asks Butch the A.D. – oh, hey, her name is Sandra! – why nothing’s happening. It seems they’re all waiting for Niki, and Adele thinks she knows just where Niki went.

Tina: [looking at the postcard Adele has handed her] Lesbian Turkish oil wrestling?! That little bitch.

Girlfight – At SheBar, Dawn Denbo is emceeing the wrestling. She looks kinda like Columbia from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Dawn Denbo: Some of you know me as Dawn Denbo. But tonight, I’m only known as Miami Vice. I want to welcome you to the first ever SheBar Turkish oil wrestling tournament of the stars! Over here, we have my lover, Cindi. But tonight, you’ll call her The Viper.
I’m speechless.

Dawn searches the audience for someone brave enough to take her lover on. A very eager Jesse Jailbait volunteers. As Jesse disrobes, Dawn reminds Cindi who Jesse Jailbait really is: Another chance to destroy Shane and her circle of friends. Dawn even makes a quick call to give someone a “hot tip” about Niki’s extracurricular activities.

And the wrestling begins. I know I’m a fuddy-duddy, but all I can think is that it looks like somebody peed on a Slip ‘n’ Slide. That wasn’t fun when I was six years old and isn’t any more appealing now. But then again, I’m so uncool, I didn’t know the first thing about Turkish oil wrestling before this. Apparently it has a very long history, as both a “serious and well-paid art” and a spectator sport popular among gay men, even if the Turkish wrestlers sometimes prefer not to acknowledge that latter thing.

Anyway, Niki and Cindi slip and slide and squeal. Outside, a very irate Tina explains to Kit that she has to go inside to get her underage star.

The wrestling looks kind of painful; there’s lots of falling and skidding and spanking. But yeah, it’s pretty gleeful, too. And the music is awesome (“Loaded” by Bran Van 3000). Outside, Kit calls the LAPD to report a night club serving alcohol to minors. Yeah!

Turkish delight – Back inside SheBar, Jesse Jailbait has won the first match. Jenny, Shane and Molly watch in awe. Jenny likes it, but Shane declares it “f—ed up.”

Molly: That’s not f—ed up; that’s amazing.
Jenny and Tina try to get Niki to go back to the set, but Niki wants Jenny to wrestle her instead.

Jenny: No. Thanks, though.
But Dawn Denbo announces the challenge, and then Tina freaks out and tells Jenny to do it.
Tina: Get her. Get her out!
So Jenny “gets her,” to the perfect soundtrack of “Smack My Bitch Up” by Prodigy. This wasn’t quite what Tina meant, so she storms out. Jenny and Niki writhe and kiss.
Shane: Aw, you don’t think that’s a little bit degrading? Molly: You don’t see my mother in there, do you?
Dawn Denbo sees Molly and Shane watching and flirting, and finds it all very interesting. Dawn is like Ben on Lost: She sees vulnerability and preys on it.

Far, far away – Alice meets Colonel Davis. Alice is still in pissed-off mode, so she doesn’t react well when Colonel Davis threatens to sic the U.S. Marshals on her if she doesn’t testify at the hearing.

Alice: God bless America. Colonel Davis: It’s a shame Tasha had to meet someone who flies her dirty laundry like a freedom flag for the whole world to gawk at. You know, as far as I can tell, Tasha never had a problem living within the military’s codes until she met you.
Poor Alice. Even if I don’t like her new job on Outing With the Stars, this has indeed been an extremely tough day.

(An aside: Don’t you wonder whether Leisha asked Kelly McGillis for the scoop on Jodie Foster?)

As Alice leaves, who happens to be walking down the hallway toward her? Tasha, of course. Alice, terrified, tries to quickly say, “They made me come here,” but Tasha’s not mad.

Tasha: Well … it was good to see you.
They go their separate ways down a long, cruel hallway.

Still smacking – As Jenny (Stiletto Slut) and Niki (Jesse Jailbait) finish their public makeout/wrestling match, we get another reminder of who wrote this episode: It’s time to pull another “hot woman” into the ring. Dawn Denbo pulls Molly up, then hollers “Hey, Shane” before throwing Molly down into the oil. Shane hops right in there to defend her woman, as does Cindi.

Wait, what just happened? Did Shane just rip Dawn Denbo’s hair out?! Whether it was her real hair or not is beside the point: That’s pretty badass, Fonz.

Just when I start to get into the idea of a proper fight, the police show up and order everyone out of the club. I love the way Cindi puts her hands up in surrender. One of the cops is a Niki Stevens fan, so Niki gets to go home without even a slap on the wrist. Outside, Shane congratulates Kit for shutting SheBar down for the night, then offers to take Molly home to get her some clean clothes.

Molly: I’m totally straight. But you can keep dreaming. Shane: Come here for a second. [close to Molly’s face] Don’t flatter yourself.
Oh, come on, Fonz; get some better lines to use on Molly!

Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi – who tries to bribe the cop with her body and gets herself an additional fine – are cuffed and ready to go to the station. But first Dawn has to taunt Kit a little more.

Dawn Denbo: F— you and your rat-infested s—hole. Kit: Yeah, girl. I just named the rats after you. Dawn Denbo: Oh, really, you like those rats, huh? Kit: Oh, yeah, girl, I love ’em. Dawn Denbo: It’s f—ing on! Kit: Yeah, it is on, ain’t it? Uh-huh. You ’bout to go live with the rats. All your little friends. Buh-bye!
I have a feeling that was all ad-libbed, and that makes it awesome.

Niki wanders through the scattering crowd, looking like a lost lamb. Jenny finds her.

Jenny: I was looking for you. Niki: Come here. Thanks for taking me out tonight.

Jenny: I love you. Niki: I love you, too.
Wah! I just can’t see this ending well.

All About Adele – Adele is sitting in the director’s chair and whispering, “Cut. Print.” That’s a wrap!

Next time on The L Word: Shane and Molly get to know each other; Tasha and Alice take the stand; Bette and Jodi have a dinner party.

Pam Grier ‘fro research assistance provided by Phantom.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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