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“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.9 “Liquid Heat”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Earthquake weather: An invitation to make your own little earthquake. Fears: Everyone has them, from Bette and Tina to Molly and Shane. But everyone chooses love over fear. Boobs: A word that sounds like a big, red flag when Molly says it.
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew lurks in the dark, Jane Lynch is tank-tastic, Alicia Leigh Willis wants to be a star, Elizabeth Keener plays mobster, Kate French fools around, Clementine Ford expands her horizons, Cybill Shepherd looks down her nose.

A disclaimer – Sorry about the murky images – blackouts aren’t screenshot-friendly!

A hot one – As the Lez Girls crew shuffles around the set, we hear a weather report: “It’s a scorcher out there, folks.” Everyone’s busy and sweaty and trying to stay hydrated.

BTW, in a recent OurChart video blog (thanks for the tip, Sue_B), Mama Chaiken mentioned that much of the Lez Girls crew is also the L Word crew. Because “meta” isn’t just a dramatic device: It’s a way of life.

The weatherman is also predicting power outages and warning about out-of-control wildfires. OMG, is Paige back?

Jenny, Tina, Adele and a makeup artist are discussing Greg/Jim/Tim’s tattoo.

Tina: He has what? Jenny: Uh, it’s an Elmo. Tina: A what? Jenny: An Elmo tattoo. Tina: What grown man gets Elmo tattooed on his ass?
But Elmo is so cute! Tina, show us your tattoos before you judge Greg’s.

So they’ll have to cover up said Elmo. But it’s hard to get makeup to stick in the triple-digit heat. Another crew member suggests that maybe the character, Jim/Tim, would have an Elmo tattoo, and then they could just leave it alone.

Jenny and Tina: No.
Aw. A moment of silence for Tim. I don’t really feel sad, though, because Eric Mabius totally traded up when he got the Ugly Betty gig.

Niki and Muppet-cheeks are ready for their scene. It’s a sex scene, if you hadn’t gathered from the ass discussion. And it happens to be Scene 69, according to the clapper. So mature.

Side note about Jim/Tim’s bedroom decor: As Dorothy Snarker points out, Tim may have been a swimmer, but it looks like Jim is a bowler. Fine, as long as there are no milkshake metaphors on the horizon. Those pins could be lethal weapons. Right after Jenny calls “Action,” the power goes out.

Tina: S—. S— s— s— s— s—!
Hee.

Aaaaaand cut to Betty. Too bad the power failure didn’t affect the theme song.

Rolling with the rolling – Hey, it’s Butch the A.D., whose name is really Sandra. She’s the real first A.D. on The L Word. And, as Karman pointed out to me, she totally looks like Adrienne Rich. Poetry and separatism have finally come to The L Word! Butch announces that although the power is back on, Cal Edison is doing rolling blackouts, so they’d better shoot while they can. I’d like to give Kit some similar advice about the SheBitches, but I don’t want to foment an all-out gang war. Not yet.

Before the cameras roll again, the makeup artist offers Shane the use of a portable fan.

Makeup artist: Apparently this is earthquake weather. Shane: Go ahead, bitch, bring it on.
And that’s the thing about Shane: She has an appetite for destruction. The makeup artist asks her whether she’s OK. Shane says she’ll get over it (and we can only assume “it” means “Molly”). And that’s the other thing about Shane: She’ll get over it, whatever it is.

So it’s time for the second take of Scene 69. Greg/Jim/Tim is enjoying himself – a little too much, so Jenny says, “Cut. Cut cut cut cut.”

Jenny: That’s not the scene. OK? This is an obligatory f—. You don’t wanna f— him. You don’t like having sex with this guy. Niki: OK, but … he’s been my boyfriend for like three years, right? I mean, why would I hate having sex with him now? Greg: That’s what I was kinda thinking too. Jenny: [interrupting Greg] Thanks, Fallon, I got this.
Jenny explains that Jesse is in love with Karina. But Niki doesn’t think that loving women has to mean hating men.

Niki: Come on, Jenny; is this a man-hating movie?

Jenny: It’s not a man-hating film, but the scene as written is about the experience of being force to have sex with this guy, when the night before, you’ve just had the most beautiful, mind-blowing sex. With a woman. Now this hairy guy is just pounding you, like unh unh unh [makes pounding noises]. What does that do? It hurts. You want to cry.

Aw, Jenny. I have a feeling this whole Niki thing is going to make you want to cry, too.

They try a third take. But Greg and Niki are really enjoying themselves this time, with lots of sighing and cooing. So Jenny stops the scene again.

Jenny: [getting right in Niki’s face] Look at me. Did you f— him?
Niki doesn’t say anything, but it’s the sort of not-saying-anything that really says something. When she looks away, it’s all the confirmation Jenny needs. Shane, who is watching the whole thing, looks concerned. And Adele is watching with a mostly blank, but just a teeny bit amused, expression. Jenny tells the crew to “lock it up” and Niki rushes to explain herself. She was drunk; it was after the party; it was a mistake. Jenny coldly nods her head and says she understands, and then she stops Niki’s stream of apologies so she can talk to Greg. He stands there, hiding his manhood with a pillow, as Jenny lectures him.
Jenny: I just want to talk to you about f—ing your co-star. Do you realize how irresponsible and destructive that is? Greg: I … I didn’t think it was … Jenny: It’s unprofessional, OK? You’ve tampered with the chemistry between the two of you. It is a vile and despicable act. All right? You’re fired.
And as if to agree – or perhaps to protest – the lights go out again.

Sigh. Director Schecter’s diva behavior usually makes me chuckle (at the very least), but this is just sad. Yes, Jenny herself has done similarly ill-advised things (like, for example, trying to seduce Stacey Merkin’s girlfriend), so she can’t claim the moral high ground here. But I think she can claim vulnerability due to being in love, and that gets her some points.

But also: Ew, Niki. Greg? Really?

The belle and her beau – There’s no power in Phyllis’ office either. So she sits in the dark and fans herself with an elegant fan (only Phyllis would have one lying around). Joyce – hi, Joyce! – takes off the outer layers of her clothing as she gives Phyllis an update on the divorce proceedings.

These two are quite a sight – Joyce in her suit (with suspenders and tie, natch) and Phyllis in her dress, the two of them grousing about the heat and flirting. It’s almost like they’re on the porch of a Southern plantation, sipping lemonade and remembering their youth.

I can’t quite listen to what Joyce is saying about the lawsuit, though, because suddenly she’s in a tank top. Did I already say hi, Joyce? Hello! Can you please do another striptease, this time with some vampy music accompanying you? I have a roll of twenties with your name on it.

Anyway, the upshot is that Joyce is a great lawyer and the divorce will soon be finalized.

Phyllis: I want Molly to meet you. She’s having second thoughts about law school.
Phyllis actually gets down on her knees, then, and reveals that she herself is having second thoughts about something.
Phyllis: If you and I were still … I mean, if I hadn’t been so foolish … Joyce: Oh, you made your choice. I accepted it. Didn’t I? Phyllis: Yeah. You gave me my space to run around like a crazy adolescent. Joyce: OK, Phyllis. I want you to listen to me.
They do a hilarious switching of places – Joyce stands up and leans against the desk, and Phyllis sits down in the chair. Just to make it clear who’s in charge.
Joyce: It’s understandable – given that we’ve just had this little triumph together, and given how smoldering hot the two of us were in the sack – it’s understandable that you might be feeling a tiny bit amorous towards me right now. I’m just trying to stand by my convictions here, m’dear. But you are making it awfully difficult in that sweet little slip of a frock.
Joyce gathers up some of her clothes, then leans down and gets eye-to-eye with Phyllis.

Joyce: Sweetie. Phyllis: [taking off her glasses, huskily] Joyce. Joyce: You’re sitting on my shirt. Phyllis: What? Joyce: You’re sitting on my shirt.
I love them. That is all.
Joyce: [talking the not-quite-offered shirt] Let it go.
Forget Clinton and Obama – Jane Lynch, will you please run for president?

The Planet (a hot one, like maybe Mercury or Venus) – Kit has lots of ice. She had to stare down an “old snooty woman at the bodega” to get it, but I’ll bet that was really no challenge at all.

Kit: This hot-ass earthquake weather, man, just makes people mean. Just meeeean.
Alice and Tasha are hanging out, and looking adorable despite wilting in the heat. Alice asks Kit whether she’s going to meet the SheBar ladies for the “sit-down” they’ve proposed.
Kit: I don’t know. You know, I don’t trust ’em. I do not trust those SheBar bitches coming up in here with some ol’ mobster crap. I mean, let me read this to you: “We request your presence at a sit-down to mediate grievances and lesbo turf. At the SheBar. Lunch will be served.” Are these bitches crazy? Alice: And everyone got one of those. Me too. I met ’em once, when I was stoned. Tasha: Why do they want you to go? Alice: No idea. Tasha: They must be workin’ some angle. Alice: [flirtatiously] Well, maybe you should come with me. Protect me. Just in case.
Tasha smiles in a way that would make anyone melt, even if it weren’t so hot out. Alice gets cutely embarrassed. They tell Kit (who is chopping up ice) that she just has to go to the SheBar meeting.
Kit: [gesturing with her ice-chopping knife] OK, but at the first sign of bulls—, I walk.
Raise your hand if you think Kit’s going to take a shiv or a piece to the sit-down!

Do-overs – On the Lez Girls set, Tina tells Jenny she can’t just fire Greg. Adele interrupts; William is on the phone. Jenny immediately goes into whiny mode as she talks to her “Monsieur,” but Adele assures Tina that everything will be fine.

Adele: Right now, he’s telling her to march right back in, apologize to Greg and rehire him.
And sure enough, Jenny starts stomping around, asking everyone whether they’ve seen “dumbs— actor boy” anywhere. Sensing all the murmuring, she stops in her tracks and announces that she knows everyone’s talking about her. She acknowledges that she lost her temper and made a mistake.
Jenny: The dumbs— actor boy is no longer fired.
And yet another woman in a leadership position is forced to defer to a moneyed man. Curses!

Jenny tries to make an elegant exit, but those are so rare on this show. She almost runs into a crew member and stands toe-to-toe with him for a moment, her hands on her hips like a petulant 12-year-old. Which is pretty much who she is this season – a gay, waifish version of Veruca Salt on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Bette’s house of hotness – Bette and Jodi have just arrived at Bette’s house. Jodi goes right to the pool and steps into it – with all her clothes on. Jodi! You’re adorable lately. Bette’s phone rings. Guess who? Tina and Bette chitchat about the power outage, and then it’s time to discuss the SheBar sit-down.

Bette: I think I have to go. Kit really wants me to be there. Tina: Oh. Well, maybe I won’t go, then. Bette: What, you think we can’t be in the same room together? Tina: I think it would be hard.
Bette puts Tina on speaker so she can put her boobs on ice. What? That’s totally what she’s doing. Dorothy Snarker said it best: That’s one very lucky freezer.

They talk about their upcoming appointment with Dan Foxworthy, the therapist. And they talk about Angie.

Bette: You know, you guys could come down here and use the pool …
Tina knows that’s is not a good idea. Bette looks at the aforementioned pool – which still has a smiling Jodi in it – and suddenly realizes she’s “gotta get off.” The phone, that is; not in the other sense. Unfortunately.

Jodi asks who was on the phone. If Tina could see Bette’s biceps at this moment, she’d be getting in her car right now. She’d probably teleport, actually, propelled by the sheer force of desire.

Bette: Tina. We’re having some parenting disagreements. We’re gonna go see the therapist together tonight. Jodi: Good for you.
Yes, if “parenting disagreements” means “an affair” and “good” means “dangerous.” Can you believe how blithely Bette said that? I fear she’s starting to believe her own dissembling.

Seeking a friendly ear – Tina tells Sam – that cute director of photography she took to the dinner party last week – that they’re going to shut down production for the day. And then she asks Sam if she’d like to go to dinner sometime this week. But Sam’s had enough dinner for a while:

Sam: That dinner party was awkward and uncomfortable. I just think I’m gonna take a step back until you and Bette resolve your stuff. Tina: Is it that obvious? Sam: Neon. Tina: S—. Sam: If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think anybody else noticed.
Uh, yeah. You needed half an eye and one wobbly dendrite to catch that. Otherwise? Totally unnoticeable.

Tina apologizes, but then proceeds to overshare about the “stuff” between her and Bette – the therapy, the crazy chemistry, it’s just, oh, we never expected it, my, it’s intense! Tsk tsk, Tina: You almost seem to be enjoying this, like you’re telling salacious secrets in a tree house. Sam politely shuts her up.

Sam: I do feel for Jodi, though. She is a terrific girl.
Tina takes the hint and takes her leave.

Nearby, Jenny knocks on the door of Niki’s trailer. A passing crew member says Niki has already gone home.

Remember the carnival flashback in which Jenny visited the drag queen in the trailer, à la The Wizard of Oz? This is sorta like that, only instead of finding her cuckoo and annoying, I find her charming and affecting. My, how things change. Hot and cold – Bette is lounging by the pool, drying off. Jodi tries to make the most of her horizontal position. Because, well, who wouldn’t?

Bette: Don’t. Please. It’s really too f—ing hot. Jodi: No, that’s not it. Bette: Really. It’s just so hot. Please. Jodi: [sighing, looking her squarely in the eye] Bulls—.
Jodi asks Bette what’s going on. Bette stands up and paces a few steps away, her back to Jodi.
Bette: I’m in love with Tina.
But she doesn’t turn around until the very end of the sentence, so there are no lips for Jodi to read. Gah!

Jodi: Did you say something? Bette: I’m unhappy. Jodi: Unhappy how? Bette: I’m unhappy … with … I’m unhappy with work and I just don’t want to burden you with it.
Nooooo. No! That’s just cowardice. And Jodi doesn’t really buy it.
Jodi: I want you back. Your mind, and your heart, and your body. I miss you.
That’s just painful. This is so not going to end well.

Lovelorn – Jenny is writing Niki a love letter. Remember when we used to see words on the screen every time Jenny wrote anything? Now there’s something much more disturbing on the screen: Adele. Jenny gives Adele the letter and asks her to deliver it to Niki – worse yet, she asks her to read it and make sure it doesn’t suck. Is this like giving one of the Mean Girls a note to proofread and then pass to someone else?

Adele takes the letter and lets out a little laugh. She must be thinking, “This is too easy.” Jenny also asks her to tell Niki to meet her at her trailer later. I’m sure that’ll go smoothly.

Across the way, Shane sees how forlorn Jenny is and waves her over for some good old-fashioned friendship. I do like the way these two support each other.

Shane: Are you gonna come with me to that big, dumb mafia sit-down at SheBar?
Jenny plans to sit on the steps of the trailer and wait for Niki instead. But Shane advises against it.
Shane: That’s weak. Jenny: But I am weak. Shane: No, you’re not! You’re the boss of this place. You could fire everybody here if you wanted to. That’s not true. Jenny: What would you do? Would you go out and f— someone? Shane: Probably. I’d go out and have meaningless sex with somebody I didn’t care about. Come on, come with me to SheBar. Jenny: [sighing] I don’t want to have sex with anybody but Niki. Shane: Well, look, I have a straight-girl crush that will not go away, so …
Aw. Good friends are great things to have, aren’t they? I like the way these two are so different – in footwear alone, they are miles apart – but somehow totally on the same wavelength.

The SheBar mafia – Shane and Jenny have arrived at the sit-down. One of Denbo’s minions barks that she needs to see their invitations and tries to pat Shane down. Shane doesn’t go for that, so the goon tells Jenny to “spread ’em” instead.

Jenny: Oh. You could have at least asked me out to dinner.
I know it doesn’t really sound all that funny (in fact, doesn’t it sound incredibly trite?), but it absolutely is, the way Jenny says it. It’s just more Mia Magnificence.

Dawn Denbo’s lackeys offer our heroines refreshments and cigars.

Shane: This is f—ing crazy. Alice: I know, it’s total “four families“, isn’t it? [holding up the cigar, to Kit] It’s Cuban! Kit: Mmm hmm.
Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi arrive. I’m surprised they’re not accompanied by a thunderclap.
Shane: So, Double D, what’s the deal with this to-do, huh?
Dawn – making supplicant gestures with her hands, like you do at a sit-down – just wants to figure out how things got so acrimonious, when they could have had such a “bountiful friendship.”
Kit: Bountiful friendship? You came into town and you pissed all over every one of us! Dawn Denbo: No, on the contrary, it was you who abused us. Kit: What?! Dawn Denbo: Yeah. Cindi and I came to your fair city, wanting to settle down, and open up a nice little lesbian hangout. And then we cordially invite Shane here to share a little sex amongst friends. And then what does she do? She breaks that trust by seducing my girlfriend.
Shane reminds Dawn again that Cindi told her it was OK, but Dawn refuses to consider the notion.
Cindi: Dawn …

Dawn Denbo: Shut it. Shane: I got an idea. What if you kept your mouth shut for two seconds and you actually let your girlfriend talk? Dawn Denbo: She’s got nothing to say. Cindi: Go f— yourself. Shane: See, I thought that was somethin’.

Girls, girls! Are we back in the prison yard with Dusty and Helena? (Actually, could we go there, please? I think I’d prefer that.)

Dawn just keeps talking, presenting herself as a peacemaker and blaming Kit for “calling the police on our establishment.”

Kit: You infested The Planet with rats.
Jenny points out that Denbo also tried to shut down Lez Girls, but of course Denbo has an excuse for everything. Don’t you imagine her as the kid who was always late to class and somehow always had a note for it – and a smart-ass grin?
Tasha: This is bulls—, Kit. Why’re you even talking to these jokers? Dawn Denbo: I’m sorry. I don’t think I know you. Tasha: Tasha. Alice: It’s actually Captain Tasha Williams. Kit: Mmm hmm. And she’s here to kick some ass and take names if necessary.
Tasha looks like she just might giggle.
Cindi: [to Tasha] That is so awesome. Dawn Denbo: Really, Cindi? Cindi: What?! It’s impressive.
Cindi’s funny sometimes, but her Cinthetic appearance always distracts me. Right now, for example: Exactly what color is her hair? It reminds me of someone I used to work with – one of my other co-workers used to say, “Someone should tell her that Rice Krispies is not a hair color.” Suddenly, I almost get my wish for an all-out gang war:
Kit: You know, Tasha’s got a point. I really shouldn’t sit here and listen to all this bulls—. [standing up] I should just kick your m———in’ ass.
Do it! Pam Grier! Go! Nobody can say that word like she can.

Dawn Denbo stands up too, and it all gets very tense. Alice tries to calm everyone down, but she just doesn’t have an authoritative air. Hmm, an authoritative air … wherever can we find such a thing in this group?

Yes: in Bette, of course. She has been sitting quietly, but now she yells, “Enough!” and then paces slowly around the table, her hands in her pockets. How quickly she has transformed from dean to don!

Bette: What do you want, Denbo?
The answer, of course, is turf. They negotiate days of the week, holidays and customer bases, so The Planet and SheBar can coexist and still profit. But then Denbo demands restitution for “emotional hardship.”
Bette: Are you f—— kidding me? Dawn Denbo: No. My honor was maligned, and that of my lover Cindi’s.
Snicker. Still it makes me snicker.
Bette: [amused] And how do you propose that we restore this lost honor?
That’s easy: Cindi wants a part in Lez Girls.
Jenny: Why would I give your lover Cindi a part in my film? Dawn Denbo: Because she’s goddamn gorgeous. Look at her. Why wouldn’t you give her a part in your movie? Jenny: Well, I think she has a face like an extra.
Wooo! It is on!

Dawn insists that Cindi have a line, one that is essentially an ad for SheBar. She even starts to threaten to get the Teamsters on her side.

Jenny: You are so tacky. [whispering to Shane, hiding behind her fan] I think she’s psychotic. What do I do?
Ah, Jenny. Way to bring loopy back to the mafia! I mean that in an affectionate way, because that whispering was adorable.
Shane: [whispering] Give her a small part.
And so Jenny does: Cindi will be Partygoer No. 4.
Bette: Well, I think our business is done here. Dawn Denbo: We’re not finished. Bette: [with a look of warning] You’d better be soon.
Dawn Denbo doesn’t seem even a little bit fazed by that. Did she not see the fearsome expression on Bette’s face? Dawn asks for a shout-out on The Look.
Alice: Uh, f— no, Denbo.
Alice whispers to Bette to suggest a mention on the podcast instead, so Bette does, after waiting just long enough to make Denbo sweat. And then double-D and Kit shake on it, and the lights come up to bless their union. OK, I have a confession to make: I haven’t seen any of the Godfather movies. So maybe I’m just not catching the fever. But well, wasn’t that whole thing kinda … contrived? I love a good group scene, but I like them whimsical and gleeful and organic, and this one sort of missed the mark. I guess we’re just playing the movie reference game again – it has this season in a choke hold.

Still, if somebody feels inspired to make a series of mobster movies with Bette as the head of the family, I’m so there.

Miss Alice Regrets – Speaking of the podcast, it’s time to make another one at The Planet. And look who’s there: Max! You’re alive! But Max is not the cameraman this time: He’s the guestbian on the podcast. Well, that’s progress! Shane handles the filming while Max and Alice talk about transgender issues. Alice apologizes to Max for being uncool about all of it. At last, the blind demon that has been possessing Alice is on its way back to hell. The people rejoice!

But the apology is too little, too late:

Max: Actually, um, you said that I wasn’t part of your community. Which is … it’s more than just kind of uncool. Wouldn’t you say?
Heh. Well said, Max. Alice continues to apologize, even mentioning that Kate Kendell told her she “sucked” for her anti-transgender attitude.

And that’s all good. Except, uh, Shane is easily distracted by all the cleavage in the room, and doesn’t know what she’s doing in general. She’s aiming the camera every which way but loose and futzing with it and doing everything but filming. So this podcast is not going to be very pretty. And Max still isn’t getting equal time. How are we supposed to take Max’s comments seriously – and they’re good comments, ones I’d like to have the chance to ponder – when Shane is treating it all like a lark? I love funny Shane, but this is just unnecessarily detracting from what should be a penitent moment for Alice.

Still. Nominal contrition is better than none at all.

From apology to confession – While all the podcast palaver is going on, Bette is at the counter, getting iced coffees. Kit is confused because Bette hasn’t ordered Jodi’s usual drink.

Bette: Oh, it’s for Tina. We’re going to a therapy session together. Kit: [narrowing her eyes] Uh huh. Bette: Just to talk about Angie. Kit: Now I know you’re bulls——- me, because ain’t nothing wrong with baby girl.
Bette insists it’s about parenting and tries to leave, but Kit calls her back.

Kit: F—. Come back here. Don’t you dare. Bette: Don’t I dare do what? Kit: Don’t you dare do that to Jodi! Bette: I’m not trying to do anything to anyone. Kit: Well, you just better be careful. Bette: That’s why were going to see a therapist. Please don’t say anything. Kit: To who? Bette: I dunno.
Bette glances around The Planet, with a look that seems to say, “To who? Well, take your pick of these gossipy girls in here.”

I don’t know whose side I’m on. Bette, listen to your sister! But Kit, you have no idea how strong this thing is between Bette and Tina! I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless! Ack, I’m still so conflicted about everything TiBette.

Hey, is this the first Kit/Bette scene we’ve had all season? It’s definitely the first one that has involved some real discussion. I feel so deprived.

Meeting the boyfriend – As Shane continues to pretend to film the podcast, Molly shows up with her ex-boyfriend, Richard. He’s wearing a pink shirt. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Shane says hello, forsaking the rest of the world for a few minutes with Molly. Alice interrupts: “Hey. Podcast.” Shane introduces Alice:

Shane: This is Molly. This is Phyllis’ daughter. Alice: Oh! I’m … familiar … with Phyllis.
Hee. And then Max introduces himself. He certainly is an expert on marginalization by now.

Elevators don’t run on electricity, do they? – Bette and Tina have arrived at Dan Foxworthy’s building.

Bette: You know that Jenny gave away a part in your movie, by the way. To that girl, Cindi. Cindi, the lover Cindi.
I forget how hilarious Beals can be. The captions didn’t quite match that, so I think it was partly improvised.

They get in the elevator and press the button for the 7th floor. And then, of course, the power goes out.

Bette: You’ve got to be f—ing kidding me. Tina: Jesus. What were we thinking?!
Lately, thinking isn’t something you two do a lot of when you’re together. Which is really just fine with me.

Bette starts to panic. She doesn’t do well with heat.

Bette: I’m gonna have a panic attack. I know I am. Tina: Bette, breathe. OK? Breathe. Deep breath. Bette: I don’t wanna breathe too deep. I’ll take up all the oxygen.
Yay, more funny Bette! And how enchanting is this brief role reversal? Bette’s all out of control, and Tina’s strong and calm. It makes me grin in a dopey way.

From the margins to the spotlight – Tom waltzes into The Planet and gives Max a big smile. It could be simple friendliness, or it could be that his shorts are so short, they’re hoisting things up too high and causing involuntary grimacing. Tom confesses that he’s been thinking about Max a lot, and was freaking out about that. But now he’s moved on from freaking to flirting. They agree to go on a date tonight.

Max gets a guestbian spot, an apology and a date? What a red-letter day!

Life after the Army – Tasha is sitting on the couch at Alice’s place. She has a beautifully strange look on her face. (Of course, on her face, every look is beautiful.)

Alice: [arriving home, sitting next to her] What are you doing? Tasha: I’m feeling what 6 p.m. feels like.
That’s just … did I say “beautiful” already? The sunset slants into the room as they sit and listen to the sounds of the workaday world.
Tasha: I have nothing that I’m supposed to be doing right now.
Alice smiles sweetly and gives her something to do with her lips. That was such a serene, lovely little scene. I’m glad they’re back together.

Behind closed elevator doors – Bette and Tina have their own impromptu therapy session before the real one. They talk about their fears.

Bette: [pretending to be Dan Foxworthy] What are you afraid of, Tina? Tina: F—ing it all up. [laughing nervously] Bette: [still in Dan’s voice] What else are you afraid of, Tina? Tina: I’m afraid of, um … what everyone will think of us, how they’ll judge us, how hurt Jodi will be. Bette: She already knows there’s something wrong. Tina: Did you tell her about us? Bette: God, no. I’ve been such a f—ing coward.
Yep.

Bette explains that it’s never been “easy” with Jodi the way it is with Tina, because she and Jodi don’t share the same values. Bette and Tina talk about how comfortable they are in each other’s worlds, and how much they care about the quality of life and appreciate beauty – not to mention the simple pleasure of playing footsie.

Tina: We’d both rather stay in on New Year’s Eve.
Aw. The cloak of boringness returns!

It’s Bette’s turn to share her fears – and boy, does she ever:

Bette: I’m afraid that I’m … destructive. That if I have something good, I feel compelled to destroy it.
Wow. That was surprisingly moving. It’s hard not to have sympathy for her, because now we know she sees the problem, yet is somehow helpless to solve it.
Tina: Look, I’m not so pure and innocent, OK? I was awful when I was with Henry. I was flailing. Look how I treated you. I used Angelica against you. I was –

Bette: Tina, I love you.

Oh! My. That was surprising and somehow a relief – almost certainly a relief for Bette. She scoots over to sit next to Tina.
Bette: I love you. I have no doubt about that. I’m just afraid that … Tina: That everything you’re feeling right now is because … we’re not really together. It’s an affair. Bette: No. Tina: But it is. Bette: For me, when I really search myself, it doesn’t feel like an affair. For me, it feels like I’m coming home.
And they kiss. And I am reminded that I am such a sap.

The Lez Girls set – Shane tells Jenny (she calls her “Jen”; doesn’t that sound kind of weird?) they have to leave because it’s just too hot. But Jenny wants to wait for Niki.

And then Shane gets an extra reason to leave: Molly calls. She’s “scared” because the lights keep going on and off.

Shane: Give me a f—in’ break. You’re not scared. Molly: Shut up. Just come over.
Molly has sent “lock-jawed, tight-assed” Richard home and is kind of lonely. So Shane agrees to visit her at Phyllis’ house. Yes, because if that weren’t a bad enough idea – romancing the straight-girl crush at Mommy’s house – the city is under rolling blackouts! By all means, get in your car and contribute to the mayhem.

At this point, I paused to try to figure out whether this blackout stuff is yet another movie reference. All I could think of was The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia – but I’m pretty much always thinking about that movie, because Kristy McNichol was so cute in it. However, it isn’t really relevant because it wasn’t really about a power failure. So never mind. Chez Shenny – Niki, love letter in hand, is ready to reunite with Jenny. But it’s pitch-dark, and the lithe, long-haired figure who invites Niki into the house is not Jenny but Adele. Niki goes in for a kiss, and Adele happily kisses back. I scream, “Aaahhhh!” and it’s almost like my voice is a clapper, because the lights come back on. Adele stammers and stutters and says she doesn’t know what happened, and Niki says Jenny never has to find out.

Niki: You look a lot like her in the dark. And it’s weird, because you kind of even look like her right now. Adele: She really loves you, you know? Niki: [defensive] I know. I love her too.
Niki leaves, looking kind of spooked. And rightfully so.

Oh, Adele. You are deliciously demented. Where, oh where, will your diabolical deeds lead us?

Phyllis’ house – Molly has an extra flamey candle all ready for Shane. And a very direct attitude.

Molly: Sorry about earlier. I was really scared. Shane: Oh, no. I get it. It was crazy driving over here, so – Molly: No. Not scared of the dark. Scared because I wanna f— you.
Well then. Molly offers Shane some wine and babbles about having kissed a girl in Girl Scouts, but nothing beyond that.
Molly: But I think you’re really sexy. Shane: Um. That’s good. I think … I think you are too.
Molly finally stops jabbering and leads Shane upstairs. Oh, but then she starts yammering again, about the “antiquated institution” of marriage and other things she has learned in women’s studies. It’s half cute, half not.

Molly: I’m sorry. I’m talking too much. I’ll stop talking. I tend to do that when I’m nervous.
You don’t say.

Another dark and stormy room – Tom and Max are at Max’s studio, home from their date. The gentle energy of Freezepop‘s “Swimming Pool” sets the mood.

Tom: Can I kiss you? Max: Yeah.
Oh, eeeee! That’s actually the sound I made. Because that’s hot, and Max deserves a little love.

Molly’s childhood bedroom – I have a feeling the Fonz has been here before. In a childhood bedroom, I mean, coaxing someone out of the closet. Molly is nervous and giggly and not sure what to do, but she finally says, “OK” and pulls Shane close for some eager kisses.

Shane is a little reluctant, and reminds Molly they don’t have to do this, but Molly takes her shirt off and it’s on. Almost. There’s a little hiccup when Molly takes Shane’s shirt off.

Molly: Weird. Boobs. Shane: What? Molly: No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.
Uh-oh. Shane, this one’s tough to navigate!

Equally dangerous – Niki finds Jenny, who is still sitting on Jim/Tim’s bed on the Lez Girls set. Niki starts to give a little speech about the love letter and the film and Jenny, until Jenny tackles her and kisses her. But Niki makes her listen:

Niki: Jenny, I love you so much. Jenny: I love you so much. Niki: I’m so sorry. Jenny: And I’m so sorry.
Is there an echo in here? Kidding – that was sweet. I really would like to see a happy ending for Jenny.

They have sex on the bed that Greg/Jim and Niki/Jesse were making out on. That doesn’t exactly bode well, does it?

Educating Molly – Molly marvels at how soft Shane is, yet how like a “sexy guy” she is. Shane teases her: “Guess what? I’m not a guy.” Shane worries that Molly isn’t ready for this, but Shane herself is so very ready for this, it doesn’t much matter.

Melting – Apparently the blackout is everywhere now, or is at least in Alice’s apartment. She has some ice and a mischievous look on her face, and that makes Tasha’s incredibly infectious laugh bubble up.

Alice: It’s hot in here, isn’t it? Tasha: Gettin’ hotter.
They laugh at their corniness. They’re the cutest! And then they’re the sexiest, as Alice puts that ice to good use. The music – still Freezepop’s “Swimming Pool” – begins to say, “Everything is perfect now,” and I’m inclined to agree.

Going up, going down – The heat wave continues as Bette and Tina make love in the elevator. Their kisses seem so full of commitment and reverence, and then so full of, well, heat, as Bette kisses her way down Tina’s body.

Who knew an elevator guard rail thingie could be so useful? Max sex – Tom is tearing open a condom wrapper. And Max is looking both uncertain and undeterred. Yow! Yes, I’ve said some not-so-nice things about Max’s story line and Daniela Sea’s acting skills. But I thought Max and Grace’s sex scene last season was really hot, and this one is even hotter. The boundaries of gender, sexuality and f—ing can be very exciting places indeed.

Dare she hope? – The music is still saying, “Everything is perfect now,” and things do seem pretty blissful between Jenny and Niki. They have more chemistry than I felt between them in that closet scene.

But, oh, Jenny. Can your heart take another break?

A different kind of service – Tasha is more than satisfied with Alice’s skills. Pardon me. Rewind time.

Mollycoddling – And Molly is very, very pleased with Shane’s performance. (Have we ever seen this much cunnilingus in an episode? Maybe not even in an entire season! I heartily approve.)

Molly: Wow! That was amazing. But of course it was amazing, ’cause you’re a girl, and you … know how to do that.
Molly tries to return the favor, but she’s just not quite ready, mostly because she’s not sure she knows how.
Shane: OK. I’m gonna show you one more time.
But it’s not to be, because Phyllis is home. And not amused. Moving on and up – The elevator springs back to life, and Bette and Tina spring to their feet and try to regain their composure.

But first: Remember when Tina was mocking Greg’s Elmo tattoo? Well, what is that thing on her foot – is that a tattoo too? I think it is, and what’s more, it’s clearly a hamburger phone, so she shouldn’t be judging anyone. Anyway. It seems Bette has made a decision:

Bette: We’ll take it slowly. Tina: Well, how are you going to tell her? Are you gonna tell her it’s because of us? Bette: No. But if it’s OK with you, I don’t want to tell her before the ride. The Pink Ride. [breathlessly, as the elevator dings its way to its destination] I love you. Tina: I love you too.
Wah! I want, I don’t want, I do, I don’t. The TiBette tumult is killing me.

They greet Dan Foxworthy, who I suppose mentally attributes their dishevelment to the heat wave, rather than the heat of passion. He asks whether they were traumatized by the elevator mishap.

Bette: I think we clarified some things for ourselves.
It is so not fair that we don’t get to see that therapy session! I wish I could have one of my own right about now.

A tacked-on scene – Why didn’t we just end with one of those many orgasms, or at least the TiBette declaration of love? Instead, we have a Molly-Phyllis squabble.

Phyllis tells Molly she’s not a lesbian, and even if she were, Shane isn’t good enough for her.

Phyllis: This is beneath you. Molly: What, because Shane’s never read Proust, she’s beneath me? Phyllis: She’s never even heard of Proust. Molly: Who cares if she’s heard of Proust? I’m so sick of you judging everyone I know. So Shane’s not gonna win a MacArthur genius grant anytime soon. It’s really nice for once to be with someone who’s a little bit uneducated.
Whoa. Guess who’s listening at the door? Sigh. And Shane is just in time to hear this:
Molly: I don’t like Shane for her political views. I like Shane because she’s easy and simple. And maybe she’s not the smartest person in the world, but at least she’s not f—ing Richard.
Oh, no. Lately, Shane has been maintaining some sort of optimal sexy-funny-sober-cool balance. Don’t send her off the deep end with your highfalutin ways. And shame on you, Phyllis! What would Joyce say?

A final thought – Everything may well be perfect now (at least for some couples), but if you tell me so 50 times via electronica, I’m going to question it. We can only conclude that everything is going to explode in the next episode.

Next time on The L Word: The Pink Ride finally takes place; Niki and Jenny continue to explore their chemistry; a game of truth or dare pushes everyone to the edge.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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