TV

“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 5.11 “Lunar Cycle”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Wicked: Adele. Gunplay: Not for little girls. Oracles: They always go unheeded – until it’s too late.
THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Malaya Rivera Drew gets what she wants; Elizabeth Keener anticipates drama; Alicia Leigh Willis tags along as usual; Patricia Velásquez learns how to kiss; Kate French caves under contract; Melanie Lynskey turns Alice’s head.

Voilà, Lez Girls – Jenny’s twisted vision is coming to life before her very eyes. She’s watching a rough cut of a Lez Girls scene. It’s the one where Tina upends a table at The Planet in response to Bette’s announcement that she has broken up with Candace because she loves Tina.

Only there are, of course, several differences between the movie and real life – er, fake life. First, Bev is nothing like Bette. She’s mincing and weak and, well, not hot. Also, the decor is more like The Mod Squad than The Planet. Third, and most important, the scene ends far more happily than it did in Season 2. Bev and Nina reconcile right there on the spot, and they even announce their pregnancy to their supportive friends. In Season 2, Tina stormed out in her baby-bump-hiding trench coat and everyone felt awful – including Toxic Tonya, who was there in her coffee-drenched white pants. (The “poopy s—” coffee, remember?) Oh, well. Of course the scenes are going to be different. I guess it’s a relief that Jenny’s memory is inaccurate in a happy way for a change. That’s far preferable to a memory that’s inexplicably aquatic or overly shroomy.

Some of that, however, was not just happy – it was downright Up With People (or Up With Gay People, I guess):

Donna: Thank God. I don’t know what I would’ve done if they’d split up. Alysse: They’re, like, the best couple that ever lived. They really are.

Shaun: They’re role models for the rest of us. Karina: An example for the straight world.
Ugh. Begoña looks like she can’t believe she had to say that. Meanwhile, can you believe Cammie actually makes a decent Shaun/Shane? I’m shocked! But, on the other hand, I guess a Dark Crystal Muppet isn’t that far off from a Fraggle.

Back in the fake real world, Jenny’s not that happy with the scene, but before we can find out why, the theme song encroaches yet again.

Yet another version of that scene – How many ways can our heroines sit around a table in tension? Well, here’s another: At The Planet, present day, everyone’s picking at their breakfast and trying not to talk about the Bette-Jodi fiasco.

Oh, I must pause to note that Shane is reading the New York Times. Hey, Phyllis, does this change your opinion of the barely literate service professional? Max – who appears to be eating oatmeal, and I find that completely endearing – volunteers that Tom and Jodi have been in touch. Jodi is staying with a friend.

Tasha: It’s good that she has friends. Shane: Yeah, but we’re her friends, too. [after she sees Tasha’s face] I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be rude. I apologize.
Hey, I think Tasha is eating oatmeal, too. I’m totally craving some now.

The tension is so thick, you could cut it with a knife fashioned from the leg of a prison cot. (What? I miss Dusty.) Alice asks Bette whether she has spoken to Jodi at all, but Bette says Jodi hasn’t returned any of her calls.

Kit: [huffing] Would you blame her? Bette: I’m not “blaming” her. Jenny: Ladies, please, don’t fight. I can’t stand it when sisters do that. Alice: Jenny, this isn’t a scene in your movie. You don’t have to direct today.

Tasha: Stay out of it, Alice.

Alice: You are so PMS-ing. Please. Tasha: I’m not PMS-ing. You’re the one that’s PMS-ing. You’ve been flying off the handle over every single thing this morning.
Whoa. Uh, what? PMS-ing? Really? I can’t even comment. Oh, fine, I’ll comment: That’s ridiculous.
Max: I’m so glad I don’t have to go through that anymore. Kit: I second that emotion.
Ha ha! It never would have occurred to me that Max and Kit might bond over their respective escapes from Aunt Flo, but I love it. I have never wanted to write for The L Word, but can I please write for the spin-off sitcom, Max and Kit’s Low-Estrogen Getaway? I picture lots of piña coladas and karaoke.

The testiness continues to fester as Shane and Tina square off about call times, and then the predators, Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi, arrive to take advantage of their prey’s weakened state.

Dawn Denbo: What’s the matter? You all look a little down. What is it? PMS? Did you all sync up on the Subaru Pink Ride?
OK. Hold up. One bit of PMS-oriented dialogue is more than enough. Two instances in under two minutes is just wrong. It’s also suspicious: Mama Chaiken, are you, uh, going through the change? Or did you hire a couple of frat boys to write this scene? “They’re, like, on the rag! They’re totally bitchy! It’ll be hilarious!”

Dawn and her lover Cindi have big news.

Dawn Denbo: Does the name Ivan Aycock ring a bell?
Yeah, and Ivan rang my bell, in general! (And Beals’ bell, too.) But anyway, it can’t be good that Dawn has made his acquaintance.
Dawn Denbo: Wasn’t easy to find ol’ Ivan, let me tell you. But I have my ways. Anyway, I tracked her down, and God bless her, she couldn’t have been happier to unload her 51 percent of The Planet.
Gasp! I mean, I actually gasped! Of course, I saw this on a screener before I knew a thing about the episode, so I really didn’t see that coming. (And I really don’t like the fact that Dawn keeps calling Ivan a “she.” Nor the idea of Ivan being happy to break his silent partnership with Kit. And especially not the fact that we don’t actually get to see Kelly Lynch.)
Dawn Denbo: I would say that she was actually practically gleeful to sell it to me. Bette: [standing up] How f—ing dare you?! Tasha: You know what? Get the f— outta here.
I love that Tasha doesn’t shy away from a fight, even when it’s not really her battle. Lover Cindi, meanwhile, is standing there like Silda Spitzer, looking dubious as her disgraceful mate gives a speech.

Dawn Denbo: You can’t really tell us to get the f— outta here, because we own this place.
Kit shrieks, “What?!” and overturns the table, just like Tina did. And like Nina did. And like some other hapless soul probably will again someday.
Kit: You m—–f—in’ liar!
She storms out, and on that note, Dawn and Cindi take their leave, too. They promise to return with a decorator. Yeah, go ahead and rearrange the furniture, Denbo – Kit’s gonna rearrange your face!

From bad to worse – Jodi arrives and surveys the wreckage.

Jodi: Looks like somebody got here before me.
Everyone’s stunned to see her. Shane, Jenny and Alice (who have been cleaning up the upturned-table mess) pop up like curious prairie dogs as Jodi approaches Bette.

Tina: Jodi, I’m so sorry – Jodi: [to Bette] Why is she talking to me? Doesn’t she know I’m deaf?
Yow!

Just like Nina and Bev in the Lez Girls scene, Jodi tells Bette they need to spend some time together. Now. So they leave. Why are they dressed alike? Are we supposed to think they’re tailor-made for each other? Or are we supposed to understand that no matter how hard they try to be a good match, they just don’t go together? Or are they just really big Ohio State fans?

Jodi’s dead set on having a big talk right now, so Bette has to reschedule some meetings.

Bette: [on the phone with James] Yes, the one with Phyllis. I don’t care what you have to tell her. Just tell her I have wicked PMS, I don’t know. She probably doesn’t even remember what that feels like.
OK. That’s enough. It’s gone beyond stupid and right into sexist. And Bette would never, ever say that!

After Bette hangs up, Jodi relents a little and says she doesn’t want to cause problems at work for Bette.

Bette: This is the most important thing in the world to me. Jodi: What is? Bette: This. You and me.
Hmm. Well, that’s nice, even if it’s not entirely true. Jodi considers it and apparently decides it’s reason enough to climb into Bette’s Lexus. How many different cars has Bette had in these five seasons? Maybe in Season 6, she’ll have a Hummer and really do the alpha thing right. Settling up – Back at PMS Planet, Max asks Tina whether she and Bette are going to move in together. Tina says they’re not planning anything yet because Bette has to talk to Jodi first.
Shane: I really respect you for showing some restraint and holding back. I do. Tina: Well, it’s about time.
Nah, don’t feel bad. Bette has some sort of destruct-o-matic aura that pulverizes all the restraint within a 10-foot radius.

Tina has to dash because of a foreboding email on her BlackBerry:

Tina: Jenny had an art department meeting this morning, and she missed it, and Adele went in her place instead.
“In her place instead”? It’s like Heidi Klum saying, “Models, this is also a competition for you as well.” Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department!

Max wonders why Adele didn’t remind Jenny about the meeting. Like you might expect an assistant to.

Tina: I’m sure she tried.
Max looks like he’s pretty sure she didn’t. Tina throws a 20-dollar bill at Shane for the breakfast and scurries out. Shane pockets it, smirking like a gigolo.

Bette’s house of pain – Bette throws down her keys, puts her head in her hands and sobs. Enter Hurricane Jodi. No, she’s calmer than that; it’s more like Tropical Depression Jodi.

Jodi: You don’t get to do this. You have no right to be the one who does this. Bette: I’m sorry. Jodi: Sorry is bulls—. Sorry is when you step on someone’s toe, not when you crush them and chew them up and spit them out.
Eek. Let’s upgrade her to tropical storm. Bette says she never meant for this to happen, but Jodi doesn’t even really know what has happened.
Jodi: Did you and that woman f—? Bette: I don’t know who you’re talking about.
Well, duh. “That woman” always means Monica Lewinsky. Silly Bette.
Jodi: Did you f— her? Are you f—ing? How long has this been going on? Bette: It’s not about f—ing.
Sigh. Jodi might end up wishing it really was about that. Bette explains that she and Tina have a very deep connection, one that goes beyond Angelica.
Bette: We have so much history, and there’s … I don’t think that we realized how strong the connection … and there’s just still so much that hasn’t been resolved.
None of this is making Jodi feel any better, of course. She seems to briefly look around for something to throw, but then takes a deep breath and asks the $10,000 question.
Jodi: Are you in love with her? Bette: It’s very complicated. Jodi: Of course it’s complicated. I asked you if you love her. Bette: Yes. I love her.
Jodi sighs and takes the next plunge.
Jodi: Do you love me? Bette: Yes. I love you. I do.
I think Bette is being completely honest. And that just makes it all the more devastating. And Jodi is compelled to ask the follow-up:
Jodi: Do you think it’s possible to be in love with more than one person? Can you love two people at once?
That is, of course, especially interesting coming from Jodi, who has embraced polyamory in the past. She doesn’t even let Bette answer the question; she offers her own answer, and it’s startling:
Jodi: No, no, no … I don’t think it’s possible. I know that I love you to the exclusion of everyone else. I’m going to fight for you.
Wow. Wah!

Homo homeowners – Tasha and Alice are looking at a house. Oh – I guess I assumed Tasha would move into Alice’s apartment. But here they are in a cozy little cottage for two. Except the rent is eight times as much as Tasha’s apartment in Long Beach, which doesn’t sit well with Captain Williams.

Alice: Well, we’ll be splitting the rent, so … Tasha: OK, well, four times as much. Alice: We don’t have to split the rent exactly down the middle. Tasha: Yes we f—in’ do!

Alice: If I get this job, I’ll be making a lot of money.
You can be my sugar mama, Alice! I’ll let you pay 100 percent of the rent, if you want.
Tasha: Alice. Can we just please keep looking? Alice: I hope you bleed soon. I really do.
Oh. I take it back. I don’t want to live with anyone – rich or otherwise – who thinks it’s OK to say something like that.

But yes, fine, Leisha still manages to lend her special comedic flair to even that crummy line. I’ll reconsider the sugar mama thing.

The house of heartbreak – Jodi is still processing her feelings. Because that’s what women do: bleed and feel, often at the same time. This is the way, it’s the way that we live within the bounds of tried-and-true stereotypes!

Jodi is really losing it now, so Bette tries to comfort her.

Jodi: I was fine before I met you.
But then I fooled around and fell in love.

Through her sobs, Jodi kisses Bette. Oh, no. Bette resists at first, but then she kisses back. And then the scene changes, which is sooooo unfair! Don’t do it, Bette! I can think of 17 reasons why this is a terrible idea.

The Lez Girls lot – In her office, Tina is about to send a text message to Bette. It says, “Thinking about you; Hope it’s not too awful; Missing you.” Tina, could you add another line to that? Something along the lines of, “Do not sleep with brokenhearted Jodi! Find your damn spine!”

Sam knocks on the door.

Sam: How was the bike ride? Tina: Oh, God, wow, it was … it was hard.
Sing it, sister! (And once again, Tina looks pretty stunning today. What’s so different this season? Whatever it is, I’m not complaining.)

And then Sam wants to talk shop. Tina is distracted at first but manages to focus. Sam reluctantly admits that Jenny has some talent and is making “really interesting stylistic choices.” OK, but I have to warn you: Give her an inch, and she’ll take a manatee.

Tina agrees that they might have a “really good movie.” But then Aaron interrupts and asks Tina to come to the conference room. Dum da dum dum …

The conference doom – Jenny, Aaron and Niki’s manager and agent are gathered around a seemingly average table in a seemingly ordinary room. Tina joins them, and they all wait for Adele to explain herself.

Adele steps nonchalantly over to a DVD player and pops in a disc. And there on the screen is Jenny and Niki’s sex tape – as in the one from the Pink Ride. And the one featuring the Purple Ride. (Gosh, the video looks so professionally edited. Guess Adele couldn’t sleep after all the excitement and decided to fire up Final Cut Pro.)

Jenny: Who did this? Adele: Well, I think it’s fair to say that you and Niki did it.
Oh, boy.
Niki’s manager/agent: Who has seen this abomination?

Jenny: It’s not an abomination.

I agree. Actually, can I get a copy, please?

Niki’s other manager/agent runs to the DVD player and grabs the disc. Uh, right, smart guy.

Adele: There are 25 more copies. And each one of them is logged, addressed and ready to go out to Letterman, Leno, Oprah, Ellen, Fox, E!, the National Enquirer, Star, Hola!, Hello, Perez Hilton – but none of them have seen it yet, and frankly, I would like to never have to send it. Tina: What is it that you want, Adele?

Adele: Tina … look, this is not about what I want. This is about this film. This is about Lez Girls. This is about this incredibly important and powerful and significant film that has the opportunity to change hearts and minds and affect the lives of millions of people. And it mustn’t be tainted by a scandal caused by the inexcusably reckless and … completely entitled behavior of the very few people entrusted with this opportunity.
As Adele makes her speech, Jenny just looks hollow, as if she can see everything falling all around her. Tina, meanwhile, is squinting at Adele, as if she’s hoping the diabolical doppelganger will somehow come into focus. (BTW, thanks for wearing that little bow, Jenny! It helps us distinguish you from your look-alike. But be sure to give it back to Sounder when you get home.)

Jenny turns to Tina, hurriedly offering to call William. But Adele has already spoken to William, of course.

Adele: He agrees with me that the situation has become untenable. Tina: [exasperated] What is it that you want, Adele?
And Adele just stands and stares. Cut! Wow. I guess we all saw that coming, but it’s still so … diabolical. I’ve said that too many times, haven’t I? No, but it is!

If this is really going to proceed along All About Eve lines, Adele will eventually win a freaking Oscar for Lez Girls. Shudder.

Thank you, oh Gods of gay TV – Jodi is on top of Bette; I think you could call this heavy petting. The phone rings, and even though Jodi picks it up to hang it up, it seems to be enough to shake Bette out of whatever madness has brought her to this point. She grabs Jodi and tells her to stop. Whew. That was entirely too close for me.

Bette: I can’t do this. It’s not right. I don’t want to do this with you.
Jodi, frustrated and humiliated, picks up her shoes and jacket and heads for the door. Bette chases her, and I get temporarily distracted by her gorgeousness and almost don’t hear what Jodi says. Bette is worried because Jodi flippantly said she’s going to kill herself, but Bette should know her better than that.
Jodi: I’m not going to kill myself over you. Don’t flatter yourself. Bette: Jodi. I really care for you so deeply, but I am not going to walk away and just turn my back on you and let you hate me. I’m going to fight for this relationship.
Yes, Jodi, you should be confused. And not just because Bette looks really good in black. Bette starts to talk about school and meetings, but Jodi refuses to be “managed” like that. She suggests that she tag along with Bette.
Jodi: I’ll come with you to school and we’ll talk when you finish your meeting.
Yes, because it’s Take Your Lesbian Twin to Work Day!

The Lez Girls lot of drama – Niki is getting her décolletage dusted and her coiffure refreshed. Little does she know that things are about to change … I was going to say “dramatically,” but that’s just unnecessary.

Jenny runs in and tells Niki they have to get out of there. She explains exactly why.

Niki: Wait, wait, what tape? The tape in the tent?
You mean there are other tapes? Can I get copies of those, too?

Aaron and Tina and Niki’s people rush in, so Jenny tries to get control of the situation.

Jenny: [to the gathering crowd] I want you guys to know what’s going on here. That these people – they’re treacherous, and they’re soulless, and they’re trying to ruin this movie.
Aaron tries to call security, but Tina begs him to give her just one second with Jenny. Hey, Tina: Maybe if you pull her by that bow in her hair, she’ll go quietly. Nah, I don’t really want that, because this next line is fabulous:
Jenny: If anybody has any integrity, come with me! OK? You can come with me. You can stand up to these people.
Aw. It’s kind of halfhearted, and that makes it sad. I’ll go with you, Jenny! I am Spartacus! Er, Schectercus?
Jenny: Hey, who’s with me? Shane: I’m with you.
Yay, Shane! And that helps, but it’s not enough – because of course what Jenny really wants is for Niki to accompany her. But Niki just stands there, confused.

Tina tries to get Jenny to go quietly, assuring her that she’s on her side.

Jenny: Niki. Please. Please come with me?
Someone reminds Niki that she’s under contract. That’s the last straw for Jenny; she turns and walks out with Tina.

Aaron tells everyone to get back to work, but Sam doesn’t see how they can do that without a director.

Are you ready for your big entrance, Adele? Unfortunately, it’s a little anticlimactic, partly because Adele’s not exactly an imposing figure, and mostly because the song in the background is a Betty tune. Ack.

Negotiating – Alice and Tasha are looking at an apartment and discussing the whole rent-splitting thing. Tasha doesn’t want their relationship to be out of balance.

Alice: I will be out of balance if you make me live in a s—hole. Tasha: A s—hole? This is nicer than any place I’ve ever lived in.
This is looking just as doomed as Jenny’s directorial career. And it gets worse when Tasha reveals that she wasn’t planning to go to the next taping of The Look.
Tasha: Well, I didn’t know that you wanted me to go. Alice: Why would … [trailing off in disbelief] Tasha: No, but if it’s that important to you, I mean, I’ll go.
Oh, my. Did I use the word doomed already?

Reunited – Jenny marches toward her trailer, but she can’t get in – wow, does security really work that quickly? Tina urges Jenny to listen to her and trust her and insists that she’s stunned too.

Tina: Talk to your agents. Let them help you. And later you can call Niki if you’d like to. Jenny: She’s dead to me.
Tina says she understands, but Jenny’s not so sure. So Tina focuses on what she does understand.
Tina: I need you to give me some time to figure out how to fix this, OK? There’s no way I’m going to let that bitch walk away with our movie.
Yeah, look at those chimples – they mean business!
Jenny: It is our movie. It’s our movie. Tina: It is our movie. Jenny: Oh, Tina.
And they embrace. We knew they’d eventually reconcile, but that doesn’t make it any less sweet!

Regime change – Adele is directing a Jesse-Karina scene that isn’t going well. She very carefully walks Begoña and Niki through a kiss, and it seems to really work. Is Adele a thwarted actor or something? Why does she know so much? Wait: Maybe she’s a former porn director! She did seem to relish the play-by-play. Maybe she’s just the ultimate voyeur, and she finally has a personal puppet show.

Tina watches the scene and seems to – albeit unhappily – see something good in it. And Begoña and Niki can’t seem to stop kissing. Uh, can I get a tape of this, too?

Tina steps to the side and calls Bette, wanting a friendly ear. Bette’s cell phone goes right to voicemail.

Tina: All right, I’m going to try you at the home phone.
“The” home phone. Not “your” home phone. No plans to move in, Tina? Mm hmm.

The pointed Look – It’s fashion-show day on The Look, and the collection on display is “super-androgynous, menswear-inspired.”

Look co-host Mary Lamb: Just your style, huh, Alice? Alice: Well, actually, Mary, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m actually pretty much a femme. Wide-mouthed Look co-host: Femme? Alice: Oh, yeah. Totally girlie girl. Dresses, girlish pumps.
The crowd applauds. Hooray for pumps.
Alice: But bring on those boyish babes in their hot butch fall fashion, huh? Woo! Mary: Spare us, Alice. Alice: Oh, come on, Mary, you know you want to try it. All you straight girls do. Mary: Well … I don’t. Alice: Tsk, tsk. Don’t protest too much. Mary: I don’t know what you’re insinuating, but I’ll have you know not everyone is gay. Alice: And thank God for that.
Yeesh. Alice, what are you doing? Parts of that just felt crazy, sorta like that baffling talk show in Lost in Translation.

Chekhov’s gun – Have you heard that rule of drama? “One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it.” It is also stated as “If there’s a gun on the wall in the first act, it must go off in the second or third.” So I guess we’re finally in Act III, because Kit is taking the gun out of the safe in her office. It is on! The badass Pam Grier we’ve been deprived of goes out to her badass car (Hi, Ivan!) and gets behind the wheel, tucking her gun in her coat pocket. Once again, it really is too bad she couldn’t stash that piece in her afro. Whatever happens, it won’t be that awesome!

The Look of love – The menswear-inspired fashion show is pretty lame. But it doesn’t matter; the whole point is to get the designer, Clea Mason, over to the table so she can flirt with Alice.

Yes, that’s Melanie Lynskey, and I adore her. From Heavenly Creatures to But I’m a Cheerleader to The Nearly Unadventurous Life of Zoe Cadwaulder to Itty Bitty Titty Committee, she rules.

But her character, Clea (a shout-out to DuVall?), is very shy and doesn’t have the slightest idea how to be on a talk show. Alice is happy to come to her rescue.

Wide-mouthed co-host: What inspires you to dress women? Clea: Erm … well … I don’t know … it’s, um … it’s, um … Alice: I bet it’s the same reason that I like to undress them. Clea: Yeah, um, that sounds about right.
And Alice continues to be Clea’s knight in femme armor. And my, do the sparks fly. The aftermath of Adele – In Tina’s office, Shane is trying to figure out why Jenny got fired. Tina can’t tell her that, but she encourages her to go support Jenny. And Shane’s happy to abandon the actors for a while, especially Niki. Tina says Niki would have been in breach of contract if she had left with Jenny.
Tina: She did the right thing. Shane: No, she didn’t.
Shane’s right, and Tina knows it.

Here in my car, I feel safest of all – Jodi and Bette are stuck in traffic. Look, they match again – and they even match Angie’s car seat. That’s ridiculous. Bette’s cell phone rings, but she ignores it. The call is coming from another car: Kit’s big green boat. Kit has just pulled up outside SheBar. She leaves a message for her baby sis.

Kit: Bette, I’m in trouble. I’m gonna do something bad.
Oh, please, yes! As Kit hangs up, Cindi goes inside SheBar. No doubt we’re meant to think she’s in danger. Run, lover Cindi, run!

California University – James! You’re alive! Have you been assisting Dean Porter all this time, and we just didn’t get to see you? No fair. James (his hair used to be cuter, didn’t it?) has big news for Bette and Jodi: W magazine wants to do a story on Bette and Jodi.

James: After the Ellen DeGeneres cover was such a hot item, they want to do something on, like, power lesbian couples? They want you to be the art power couple. So they want to photograph you guys at Jodi’s Hammer Museum opening.
And what should James tell the magazine?
Jodi: Yes. Bette: No.
Color coordination aside, these two could not be farther apart.

Bette turns and strolls into a meeting room, smiling. As she says, “Sorry to have kept you waiting,” I see a hint of elation (if something that big can be hinted at) on her face. Is she talking to her co-workers, or TiBette fans? As she closes the door on a stunned Jodi, she seems to be trying to close the door on that chapter of her life.

A flirtation and a fan – On the Look set, the taping is over. Clea Mason finds Alice and apologizes for her camera-shy performance. They smile and smile and smile at each other. Clea invites Alice to an upcoming outdoor fashion show. They talk about scooters (there were some in the fashion show), and Clea offers to take Alice for a ride on hers. Whee! OK, I know I’ve been all about Tasha and Alice, but the chemistry between Clea and Alice is extreme and exciting.

Speaking of Tasha, she’s watching from afar. Clea points her out, thinking she’s a fan. So Clea and Alice part ways for now, with a promise to see each other again soon.

Alice greets Tasha warmly as usual. I feel flushed myself, probably from all the conflicted loyalties.

Don’t these people believe in passwords? – Bette returns to her office to find Jodi happily using her MacBook Pro. Didn’t the DaddyOf2 experience teach you anything, Bette? Passwords save relationships! They pick up the W conversation where they left off. Bette says they can’t do the piece because they’re not a couple.

Jodi: Why not? Bette: Because it’s just not working. Jodi: You said you weren’t going to let me go. You’re going to fight for our relationship. Bette: I meant our friendship. Jodi: I don’t want a friendship with you.
Jodi even suggests therapy, but Bette’s already doing that with Tina. And the point is that Jodi keeps missing the point.
Bette: Jodi, I wanted so much for this relationship to work. I love who you are. I love how you stand in the world. I love your talent; I love your passion; I love your anger; but you and I are just fundamentally different. We have different core values. Jodi: What are my values? Bette: It doesn’t matter. It’s not a judgment.
No. It’s not even really an issue, because at this point, it’s just something Bette’s telling herself to assuage her own guilt. Not that I think she and Jodi should be together – I just wish Bette could be a little more honest about the simple fact that she has fallen out of love with Jodi, and back into love with Tina. Well, she’s trying:
Bette: There’s been something missing for me, something that is hard to define, and I have been desperately just … trying to create … this thing, and just looking for it, but I … I’ve been just flailing.
Hmm. Tina used that word (flailing) recently, with respect to Henry. I wonder which one counts for more: matching wardrobes, or matching vocabularies?
Bette: And I realize now that you and I, we’re never going to find it. Jodi: How do you know? Bette: Because I have it with someone else.
Ah. Now that was honest.

James interrupts to say that Melissa (Angie’s, uh, sitter? nanny? something) has food poisoning and can’t pick up Angie from playgroup today. Bette calls Tina, breathing something that sounds like a sigh of relief.

Tina’s office of mutiny – Bev, Nina and Donna – or whatever their real names are, gah – are telling Tina they didn’t sign up to do “an Adele Channing movie.” (There’s one more All About Eve reference, in case you missed the first 872.)

Tina tries to calm them down, but her phone rings. She tells Bette she can’t pick Angie up either, and she’s not thrilled to hear that Bette and Jodi are still working through things.

Bette: I’m doing my best. I’ll tell you about it later, OK? Tina: OK. Fine.
I like it when they have simple, clear conversations.

Complicated and murky – Kit sneaks into SheBar – the back door is conveniently open. Pam Grier is taking her sweet time, making the most of this scene, and who can blame her? Kit looks pretty determined – will I actually get that SheBar shootout I’ve been longing for? No, because as Kit reaches for the gun, her phone rings. Bette is calling, and Angie’s picture and voice are announcing the call.

Kit: [whispering] Bette, I can’t talk right now.
Bette doesn’t ask Kit why she’s whispering or what her earlier voicemail was about; she just wants somebody to pick up Angie. So Kit agrees to do so.

Just before Kit leaves, Cindi sees her and meets her gaze. Kit scampers out the way she came in.

Aw. I just wanted a few bullets ricocheting off the tacky lighting fixtures. I didn’t want anybody to get hurt; I just thought a stylized shootout would be fun. Sigh.

Giving in – Bette offers Jodi a ride home. Jodi wants to go to Bette’s house, but not for the reason you might think: She wants to get her things. Well, good. It’s time to let this go.

Mellow – Shane has a homemade bong, and she and Jenny are happily partaking as they recount Adele’s nefarious deeds. (Oh, gah, the music in the background is Alice Cooper’s “Only Women Bleed.” Must we?!)

Jenny swears never to open her heart again to someone, never again to show someone the ropes and be generous.

Shane: You can’t let Adele do that to you. Jenny: No, I’m talking about Niki. Shane: Oh, f— Niki. Jenny: I did.
Jenny insists Niki is dead to her.
Shane: Ding, dong, Niki’s dead? Jenny: It’s like a wicked witch. Shane: Yeah, that’s right. Jenny: No. Like a wicked … that, like, wicked witch!
Ah, cannabis. Lender of meaning where there is none. Somehow, in all the witch explanation, Jenny ends up talking about Adele instead of Niki. Shane calls Adele a snake in the grass, but it’s much funnier than it sounds, thanks to her gestures. Jenny makes hissing noises to go with the hand jive. And then she makes an announcement.
Jenny: I have terrible cramps.
This episode! It’s all over the place, from banal to brilliant and back again.

Shane tells Jenny she admires her because she’s a survivor. From the cutting to the loony bin to everything else – she has made it through. Yeah.

Shane: You’re my best friend. You know that.
They’ll smoke to that!

Bette’s empty house – Jodi’s bag is packed; she’s ready to go. But first she gives Bette the gift that was to be her birthday present.

Jodi: Um … whatever.
She leaves, her face unreadable. Bette opens the present. It’s an expensive, impressive watch.
Bette: Oh, Jodi.

The oracle – Max arrives home and finds a stoned Shane and Jenny curled up on the couch.

Jenny: Max. The oracle. Shane: Max, you’re the s—. I gotta listen to, um, you. Max: You guys are so stoned. Jenny: Max, Adele has f—ed me over.
As Max takes the proffered bong, Jenny says, “I shoulda listened to you.” Kind of a hollow victory, eh, Max?

I don’t like this After-school Special – At the Planet, Kit has made some brown rice pudding and organic oatmeal raisin cookies for Angelica. She takes them to her office, where she sees the unthinkable: Angie is playing with the gun. Yes, it’s predictable and heavy-handed, but it’s still kind of horrific. Kit distracts Angie with the cookies and manages to get the gun away from her. She takes Angie and the gun out back and drops the gun in a Dumpster.

If that gun had claimed a victim, I don’t know what I would have done. End this recap mid-sentence, I suspect!

Kit is crying with relief when she goes back inside, and is thrilled to see Mama T. And soon Mama B arrives, too.

Tina: You would not believe the day I had. Bette: I bet I could give you a run for your money. Kit: And I could give you both a run for your money. Bette: I promise you that Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi are not going to get their hands on The Planet. Kit: You know, that’s not important. You know, what’s important is this beautiful baby girl and her wonderful mommies.
Bette thanks Kit, completely failing to see the distress her sister is in. She asks Angie if she wants to go home, and starts to head out the door. And then she turns back to Tina.

Bette: Do you want to … Tina: Uh … yeah.
Kit just watches them go, waving feebly, alone again. Why can’t Auntie K join the happy family for the evening?! Sheesh. Kit, I think you should make your way over to Chez Shenny for some primo sativa and some miserable company. Next time on The L Word: Season 5 comes to a close.

Thanks again to Phantom for the Foxy Brown clip.

Can’t get enough of The L Word? Check back Wednesday, when the We’re Getting Nowhere vloggers offer their take on this episode, and keep up on the latest L Word forum topics, news, articles and interviews in our main L Word section.

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