“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: Serena’s secret is a doozie

Uh-uh. Nope. Don’t even pretend you knew all along that the big secret was that Serena thinks she killed somebody! Naw. I ain’t hearing it! Heh.

Was that reveal fun or was that reveal fun? Goodness. Blackmailing with plain ol’ sex tapes is so last year. The rage this year is sex tapes and suspicious deaths. But come on, she didn’t really kill anyone, did she? Georgina has her believing she did, right? Right? Fingers crossed?

All photos by Patrick Harbron/The CW

This week’s episode of Gossip Girl , "All About My Brother," was sort of about Serena’s brother — her feelings for her brother and her guilt for leaving her brother as she fled town under mysterious circumstances. Oh, and also about her brother coming out as gay.

And it was sort of about Jenny’s general assery toward her brother … and her father, too, for that matter. And who knows? Maybe he’s somebody’s brother, as well.

Two weeks have passed since Georgina ‘s return. It’s enough time for Blair and Jenny to escalate their openly declared bitchwar on each other. Unlike most wars, though, this one ends with a clear victor — and it isn’t the blond freshman.

Basically, Jenny’s head hung in public shame — at a party she hosted — for lying that she had sex with her new rich boyfriend, when in fact the new rich boyfriend is gay and was actually seen kissing Eric (Serena’s brother) by Dan, of all people.

Both Jenny and Blair enlisted Gossip Girl to post rumors about each other, but of course the worst rumors of all are those that aren’t really rumors but are actually true. With proof. Which Blair had. Ouch.

Apparently, stealing Valentino dresses from a friend is a forgivable offense, but lying to your friends about having sex is punishable. So in the end, Jenny crawled back to the Humphrey loft where her father and Dan were playing Scrabble, her tail firmly tucked. I do wonder if she was ever able to spell out o-w-n-e-d on that Scrabble board, because that’s exactly what Blair did to her.

Two weeks was also enough time for Dan to become fast friends with Georgina , whom he knows as "Sara." Georgina is beyond evil, y’all, she’s diagnosable! I’m sure sociopaths consult her as a mentor. Anyway, she’s playing a game with Serena via Dan, but poor Dan — not only does he not know the rules, he doesn’t know he’s being played.

BTW, it has become clear that Georgina Sparks is omnipresent! There is truly nowhere in all of the five boroughs that one can hide from this girl. It’s not enough that she just mystically shows up everywhere; she scorches the earth behind her and leaves famine in her wake.

So now she’s BFF with Dan and hanging out in Brooklyn . She has Dan confiding in her about the problems he and Serena are having, when the problems he and Serena are having are due largely to her reappearance!

She sent a copy of the sex tape thingy involving Serena to Serena’s hotel. Serena watches it in private, and all kinds of noises that you wouldn’t want your mama to hear come floating out of that computer. Serena is horrified!

After viewing it, Serena walks out of her bedroom and right into Georgina , who had invited herself to Serena’s for dinner. (Another Buffy -like mystical appearance.) While at dinner, Georgina promptly outs Eric to Serena and her mother. (Homegirl has no manners.)

Eric doesn’t seem to mind, though. He seems relieved. Right on, Eric! Own it! Now tell your sister to stop pretending that Blair is not the love of her life and to embrace her inner lady loving. Jeez.

Anyway, Serena tries to seek respite from her recurring Georgina nightmare by meeting up with Dan that same night — only to have Dan introduce Serena to his new friend Sara. (Seriously, she’s everywhere.)

While Dan and his friend Vanessa are away from the table for a few minutes, Georgina threatens to show Dan the tape unless Serena is nice to her and goes along with the pretense that she’s Sara.

OK, at this point I’m more than ready for Georgina to go back to whereever in the heck she had been prior to showing up on my TV screen! Ah, to be young and diabolical. But so far it’s playing so one-dimensional for me that I’m just not captured by the character, even though I want to be … sigh.

Anyway, Serena yet again is confronted by Dan, who wants her to tell the truth about her odd behavior — but she can’t. She’s losing Dan’s trust.

That night, Serena asks Georgina what she wants, and Georgina basically says that she wants their relationship to return to the way it was before whatever event turned Serena into a ghost and Georgina into Serena’s crazed, soulless stalker.

This chilling exchange finally breaks Serena and sends her running into the arms of Blair. Yay! But Blair then says something about her and Serena being sisters … boo!

Unless she meant "sistas" in the way that I want them to be sistas in the lesbian/bi sistahood. Subtext? Maybe? Oh, oh, wait — I forgot! Blair does tell Serena that she loves her. Yay!

Serena doesn’t want to involve Blair because if Blair knew "the secret," she’d be a part of it — and that’s when it becomes clear that the secret is superduperginormous! Finally, after more reassurance from Blair, Serena looks Blair in the eyes and says, "I killed someone." Cue music and closing credits.

I don’t know, Georgina has proven that slipping a roofie to a friend is a playful bonding experience, so who knows that happened that night in question — I’m guessing not Serena. But I’m so glad that Blair finally knows what has Serena so scared. Hopefully she can connive her way to the bottom of this. Please, Blair, do something!

Of course, Jenny Humphrey is high school chump change, and Georgina Sparks is solid gold crazy. Is Blair that masterful? We’ll see, I hope.