Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (May 23, 2008)

You know when something sounds good on paper, but then turns out to be a big mess in real life? Yeah, this is not one of those times. This is one of those times when something sounded bad on paper and turned out to be an even bigger mess in real life.

Because how could a film about a faux-lesbian pop duo and the two teenage girls, one American and one Russian, who come together over their love for the group and then get swept into the dangerous world of drugs, obsession, murder and lesbian kisses ever sound good on paper?

Turns out it looks even worse on screen. The film formerly known as Finding t.A.T.u. and now blandly transformed into You and I screened at the Cannes Film Festival last week. Its star, Mischa Barton was MIA at the premiere. I think you’ll understand why after watching the trailer. (Beware: Mature language and tons of “moose and squirrel” accents ahead.)

Wow. That was just awful. And the craziest part is that “two-time Academy Award nominee” Roland Joffé really directed it. The man gave us The Killing Fields and The Mission. How badly does he need cash?

Speaking of which, how badly does Mischa need a career counselor? I mean, at least she had the good sense to be too embarrassed by the film to show up. But, Mischa darling, I think we have to apply the Pottery Barn rule here: You break it, you buy it. Or — more accurately — you cash the paycheck, you smile at the premiere.

The real (using that term relatively) t.A.T.u. girls, Yulia Volkova and Lena Katina, apparently felt no such shame, since they did appear at Cannes and told the press that the film was not Sapphically inclined. According to BBC News reports, they said: “Is not lesbian film. Is love film.” Right, since lesbians can’t be in love. Well, at least faux lesbians can’t.

P.S. Why is one of them orange?

Interestingly, the trailer repeatedly identifies Mischa’s character, Lana, and Shantel VanSanten’s character, Janie, as just “best friends.” This downplaying of the film’s lesbian content makes no sense because as cheap and exploitative as it is, it is also the only thing that might have put (teenage boy) butts in the seats.

Well, at least I think we can all agree they’re definitely “Not Gonna Get Us” to see this movie.