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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 3.7 “Mom vs. Mom”

Guess who’s coming to dinner – It’s been days and days since Peeler ambushed Jackie and tried to win his job back. Unfortunately, his pitch consisted of the ambitious but rarely successful two-pronged approach of groveling and bitch-slapping. Jackie kept her cool, stood back, and watched Brian implode in spectacular fashion all over the sidewalk.

It takes a certain kind of jackassery to outdo Jackie Warner in the drama department. Kudos to you, Brian Peeler, wherever you are.

Back at Sky Sport & Spa, life goes on. Today, Jackie and Briana are hanging out in Jackie’s office talking about how nervous they are. Jackie says her mind isn’t the finely honed instrument it usually is; it must be nerves. Briana admits sheepishly she’s nervous, too, but also excited.

What’s up? Is Jodie Foster in the lobby, seeking a new, ripped body to go with her new life?

If only. A platinum blonde comes bouncing into Jackie’s office, chomping on a big ol’ wad of gum. It’s Jesse’s sister, Bethany, for no reason whatsoever. Jackie says hey, Bethany says hey. Jackie and Jesse share a laugh over a family resemblance only they can see.

But that’s not the big news. The big, bad news of the day is that Jackie’s right-wing, anti-gay, fundamentalist mom is coming to town. Oh goodie.

Jackie: Listen to this little slice of hell I’ve created for myself. Per usual, I’ve not had the guts to tell her … I told her about Bri, but so briefly … Jesse: Oh God. Jackie: … And I’m like, [quickly] “I have a girlfriend and she’s living with me.” And so, I completely passed over it like that.

But wait, there’s more!

Jackie: So, she knows Bri is living with me, but she doesn’t know that Bri’s family is coming to town and staying at my house … Briana: … tonight, as well. Jesse: You’re all going to be in one house?

Work Out producers are truly grasping at straws-slash-inspired this season.

Smug with the knowledge that his family is drama-free, Jesse takes his sister outside on the deck and works her out until they decide that shopping for purses for both of them would be way more fun.

The red zone is for loading of baggage – Jackie shoots out to the airport to pick up her mother, Karen. Meanwhile, Briana is back at Jackie’s lesbian love shack, nervously fluffing pillows and hiding the sex toys.

Jackie pulls over at the curb and throws her mother’s small overnight bag into the back of the SUV. She asks, “Is this all you brought?” Karen’s answer: pretty much. As they pull away, Jackie ventures, “How’s everything at home?” Karen’s answer: same as usual. An uncomfortable silence fills the car.

They haven’t even left the airport grounds, and already they’ve run out of things to talk about. It’s going to be a long, long visit.

Jackie should drive straight from the Arrivals area to the Departures area, but instead she foolishly starts driving toward her house. Life is full of missed opportunities.

Karen notices Jackie’s longer hair and compliments her on the new ‘do. Of course mom approves; nothing screams, “Hi, I’m into girls!” like Jackie’s old faux-hawk.

More awkward silence. Karen stares at Jackie. She’s starting to creep me out.

Finally, Jackie breaks the quiet and mentions Briana with a nervous, painful laugh.

Jackie: Briana is at home, awaiting your arrival – a little nervous. So, be nice to her, please. She’s a nice one; she’s a sweet girl. Don’t scare this one off. [awkward chuckle] Karen: I’ve never scared anybody off, Jackie. Jackie: I know, I’m just kidding. [more weird laughing] Karen: You have a way of doing that.

Score one for the old lady.

Jackie asks her mother hopefully if she has any questions about Briana before they meet. Karen answers with a terse, “No.” Jackie is incredulous. After all these years, Jackie still can’t believe how little her fundamentalist mother cares about the parade of girlfriends that passes through her daughter’s bedroom. Go figure.

Karen relents and asks how Jackie and Briana met, even though the idea of two women together gives her the heebie-jeebies. Jackie launches into their story about meeting at an event a few months ago and having “an instant connection.”

Jackie then justifies their U-Haul moment – every lesbian who has one has very special, totally logical, excellent reasons for moving in with someone after two dates.

Jackie: My intention was to have her move in for just a few … couple of weeks to get on her feet, and then we were so close and we were getting along so well, it was just working for both of us. We decided to just take a chance. I mean, either way, we’ll know … Karen: I know. I just hate to see you get in these situations, Jackie. Because then it makes it harder to extricate yourself, should that happen.

Karen seems to be confusing Briana with Mimi Crazypants.

That said, Karen’s advice does not appear to stem from any concern about her daughter’s happiness. Jackie says her mother once told her, “I’d rather you never be in love than be gay.” Wow. She should watch how she treats Jackie. Someday, old woman, you’re going to need your diaper changed. I’m just saying.

Welcome to your worst nightmare – Jackie and her mother arrive at the house, where Briana and Pichu, Jackie’s killer Chihuahua, are waiting. Briana shakes Karen’s hand and gives her a warm, welcoming smile. Pichu, unfettered by the conventions of human civility, tries to take Karen’s hand off. Good boy!

Everyone sits and chats stiffly until Briana has to mysteriously leave. She gives Jackie a kiss goodbye as Karen averts her eyes and breaks out in hives.

After Briana drives away as fast as she can, Jackie asks her mother, “She’s cute, isn’t she?” Yeah, that’s exactly what Karen is thinking: how cute Briana is. Pichu wisely moves away from the Warners and sits at the end of the couch, staring at the front door, waiting for Briana to come back and save him from the crazy people.

Alone with her mom, Jackie girds her loins and says she has a surprise. And by “a surprise” she means a bomb.

Jackie: I should have told you, but I chickened out on the way home. They were supposed to come next weekend. Karen: Who? Jackie: They. Karen: They? Jackie: Them.

Communication is a family tradition with these two. Jackie has no problem telling off her staff, berating her clients, and walking the gauntlet otherwise known as a red carpet, but she’s scared stupid of her quiet, sad-sack mother. Karen reminds me of Droopy Dog.

Giggling nervously, Jackie finally admits that Briana’s sisters and mother are coming to stay over. Karen bows her head and prays for sweet, merciful death.

A break – As a short respite from the drama going on at Jackie’s Bed and Breakfast, we get to watch Gregg working out with Victoria, his newly assigned SkyLab client. Happy to be rid of his original bane, Deenie, and her needy, annoying ways, Gregg reports that he likes his job once again. At least someone’s happy this week.

And now, back to our program, already in progress.

The opposite of Karen – Briana returns to the house with one of her sisters and her mother in tow. Eileen, Briana’s mom, grabs Jackie and gives her an exuberant mother-in-law hug, even though they’re just meeting for the first time.

While everyone’s smiling and saying hello, Jackie wonders where her mother, Mrs. Killjoy, has gone. She finds Mom hiding in her bedroom, clutching Pichu like a wubby. A wubby with sharp teeth and an unpredictable, vicious streak.

Karen finally emerges from the bedroom, only to be kissed right on the smacker by Briana’s happy, happy mother. Awesome.

Everyone sits down to the Most. Uncomfortable. Dinner. Ever. For one thing, there’s this seating arrangement.

Despite the oh-so-subtle snub from the Warner side of the table, Eileen tries to engage Karen in a little dinner conversation, but only manages to illicit a few monotone sentences about the weather. It’s like talking to a really boring robot.

Eileen presses on and offers to “lay back” with Karen at the house – an unfortunate choice of words to a homophobe – while the fresh generation does their thing around town. Karen replies flatly that she’s only interested in spending quality time with Jackie, the daughter she hopes will never be happy in love. Mothers are complicated.

Jackie wears a weak smile as she watches Briana and her normal, loving family with fascination and envy. Meanwhile, Karen sits at the far end of the table, avoiding making eye contact with anyone who’s not Jackie and muttering Scripture.

As if dinner wasn’t painful enough up until now, Karen abruptly announces in the middle of her salad that she’s going to bed. I’m shocked airport security let her through with that giant stick up her ass.

For the first time in three years, I’m truly embarrassed for Jackie.

Other kinds of pain – Over at the gym, someone has to keep the revenue streams flowing, so Plitt is working with Deenie, his punishment for being too drunk to do Jackie’s boot camp during the retreat. SkyLab’s resident problem child has “a world of issues,” according to Greg, but he enjoys big challenges.

First, he makes the mistake of giving Deenie a pair of boxing gloves, and before you can say “sexually frustrated,” she kicks him right in the nuts.

He goes down like a pair of panties on prom night while Deenie laughs at him and pretends to feel bad.

Ex-Army Ranger and looming tower of manly muscle Greg Plitt jumps up to show he’s invincible and suggests they try the bench press instead. Deenie immediately tells him her ankle hurts and decides she can only do this machine if Greg holds both her hands. If you hold her hands, I’ll slap her. Deal?

Plitt isn’t about to let a weak, demanding 20-something in ratty pigtails get the better of him, and he switches her to a different exercise with a rubber ball.

Standing about nine feet apart, Greg bounces the ball to Deenie, but she’s clumsy and misses it. Suddenly, there’s a new drama; she says she hurt her thumb.

Greg: Want some ice? Deenie: Don’t touch it. Don’t touch it. Greg: Want some … Deenie: Seriously. Don’t touch it.

Greg smiles and ignores her theatrics, because he is so onto her attention-seeking bull crap. They make a date to meet in the morning and do it all over again.

Greg waddles away to put ice on his crotch while Deenie heads out into the night to find the nearest Carl’s Jr.

I’m sorry your mother is a loon – Up in the Hollywood hills, everyone’s gone to bed except for Jackie and Briana. Jackie tries to process how her mother manages to be cold, rude and loving, all at the same time, but there aren’t enough hours in a day for that discussion.

Jackie: It’s so weird to watch her interact socially. When she speaks, a lot of times, she’ll speak just to me, even though there’s other people at the table. I mean, we’re so different. We’re so different, socially. I mean, I love to talk to the table …

Jackie wishes her mother were more social, more talkative – more like her. Karen wishes Jackie were straight, conservative – more like her. I smell a twisted remake of Freaky Friday.

Briana: It might be difficult for us sometimes, to not see people jump into acceptance and be open and carefree because we’re that way. Jackie: I don’t care if people accept me. I care that my mother does. Briana: Of course. Jackie: That’s a big difference. I don’t care what anybody thinks of me.

Anyone who’s watched the show over the years knows how true that is.

Briana gives Jackie some supportive loving.

Oh, Briana. You’re so kind, understanding and insightful. Which means, of course, your days are numbered there at Chez Warner.

Jackie’s midnight runners – To get way from her house guests, Jackie schedules a nighttime boot camp at a soccer field. All the SkyLabbers are there, but Jackie is keeping a special eye on Victoria, the dance instructor. Why? Um, because it’s her turn to puke on camera?

Who cares why, it’s worth it to Jackie just to have those lush eyelashes looking up at her with gratitude.

Afterwards Jackie gives everyone a health lesson.

Jackie: Medical problems, disease, sadness, depression, all of that – which this whole group has – can be cured. You break down, and then you say: “No. I’m not going to stop. I’m gonna get to that finish line.” And when you do, the powerful feeling takes over you, and then you start feeling like you can overcome anything. And I don’t mean just in workouts – in life.

How many crunches does it take to get over your mother’s relentless disapproval?

A second chance – By the next night, Briana’s other sister, Erin, has arrived. More importantly, Karen has had time to observe how different Briana is from Jackie’s other whack-a-doo girlfriends – she’s the girlfriend everyone’s mother likes. Karen seems relieved, with a hint of happy.

Jackie grills Briana’s family about their healthy, long-term relationships because she’s studying normalcy, ya know, like a hobby. Erin over-simplifies couplehood by telling Jackie to look for the person who’s there for you when things are at their worst – that’s The One. If that were all it took, we’d all be dating our best friends.

Briana’s other sister, Seana, is more interested in hearing about Jackie and Briana’s relationship.

Briana: Right when I met Jackie, she was very caring and very loving. [to Jackie] And I saw that through you, just the first time I met you. And I liked that. And I think of you as a priority, rather than think of myself or friends, which I usually do. Erin: Hallelujah!

Everyone laughs, even Jackie’s mom, Bubbles McSunshine. Although maybe it was just the exclamation of Hallelujah! that got her attention.

It’s Jackie’s turn to gush about Briana.

Jackie: When I met her, first of all … when I walked down the hall, and I saw her, there was a glow about her. We were both in mid-conversation and just looked at each other for a moment. It was just chemistry. The chemistry was so very strong. All I can say is that I felt that I had been with her for years.

So, Briana found the giving aspects of Jackie’s personality attractive, and those traits, in turn, bring out the same in her, effecting a positive change. And Jackie likes glow. Guess who’s going to ultimately win the relationship game.

Rock on – Over in West Hollywood, the trainers are hanging around in front of the Whisky a Go Go, the renowned rock club that helped launch the careers of many an L.A. band. Everyone from the Doors to Van Halen to Guns N’ Roses have known its sticky, filthy floors, and now you can add a Sky Sport trainer to that list.

All those missed workout sessions with Deenie in favor of rehearsal are paying off, because Gregg’s band will be taking the stage tonight. Even Brian Peeler shows up to support his buddy/get on camera.

Brian calls Jackie a “tragic mess” because he loves irony. He doesn’t care if she shows up, which she doesn’t because she’s too busy trying to get her mother to join PFLAG.

While Gregg treats the audience his Lenny Kravitzesque sound, the trainers can’t help but notice that retreat F-buddies, Renessa and Plitt, are still getting their flirt on. Plittnessa leaves early, Gregg’s set ends, and everyone goes home. Boring.

A shopping spree – The next day, Jesse takes his client Natalie shopping for a “goal dress.” Two shop girls give Natalie an armful of clothes and send her into the dressing room, otherwise known as the Booth of Despair.

Is fugly the new black?

Natalie’s perennial problem is her upper arm area, so Jesse insists she find a sleeveless dress. Cruel – and yet ambitious.

The store staff finds Natalie the staple in every femmy girl’s wardrobe: the LBD (Little Black Dress). It’s strappy and low-cut and Natalie’s worst nightmare.

Skinny Clerk: Just try it! Natalie: No, no, no – too, too much skin. Jesse … Jesse: I kinda like that idea. I want you to pick something that you’re terrified of. Natalie: It’s just that, when you’re not comfortable with your body, you know, these clothes become over-powering.

She pauses, considering what level of mortification she can tolerate. Finally, Natalie says with dread in her voice, “Oh my God, I’m terrified, but I’ll do it.”

Plitt meets his match – Back at the gym, Greg Plitt is working out his client, the actress, activist, artist and ordained minister, Sally Kirkland. Or rather, she’s working him out with a little yoga.

The last time I saw that, I was watching gay male porn. This is somehow more disturbing.

Sally has more yoga fun with Greg.

Dirty, crafty, old cougars rock.

Post-traumatic stress – Jackie reports that her mother went home. Aw, we didn’t get a chance to say good riddance or anything. The minute she’s gone, Jackie schedules an appointment with her therapist, Dr. Shirley Impellizzeri, to undo the damage Karen left in her wake.

Dr. Shirley wants to hear all about the family-merging festivities. Jackie says it was a chilly first night, but later, Karen seemed to genuinely like Briana. That explains hell freezing over; you may have heard about it recently on the news.

Dr. Shirley wants to hear more about Briana.

Dr. Shirley: How are you getting along with Briana, overall? Jackie: That’s all smooth … The biggest stress for me right now is being overwhelmed with work responsibilities. I have many, many deadlines. I’m doing a DVD and I’ve had less than a month to come up with a concept, pull it together, come up with all the exercises, get my body in that kind of shape and everything. Dr. Shirley: Now, what about delegating? Jackie: There’s no one to delegate to …

Jackie’s worried that if she drops the ball, her business will suffer dire consequences. If only there were someone she could rely on to help her watch over Sky Sport. If only she had a managing director or something useful like that.

Dr. Shirley worries that Jackie is going to burn out. Too late. The stress of maintaining the awesome brand that is Jackie Warner, Inc., is starting to show on her face.

Be careful what you wish for – Complaining about stress does absolutely nothing to relieve it, as evidenced by the phone call Jackie has with her DVD producer, Andrea. Jackie tries to get their meeting pushed back by a mere 30 minutes, but video producers are a notoriously demanding, willful bunch, and Andrea tells Jackie a word she rarely hears: no.

Jackie doesn’t have the concept or list of exercises for the meeting, so unless she can pull it out of her butt right now, half an hour isn’t going to help her anyway. Unless she needs that time to run out and buy ulcer medicine.

Andrea tells the fitness maven that she’s hired a video choreographer to help them, but she wants to know exactly what Jackie has done. How do you put a spin on nothing?

Andrea: When we get there, right, and when we ask you, “OK, show us what you’ve done,” are you going to be able to run through a routine? Or are you really at a place where you’re not ready to show us anything? Jackie: No, I really think that … I … No. I’m not at a place where I’m ready to run through a routine yet.

Andrea’s words from their first meeting come back to haunt her: “I believe in you.” The entire project is resting on Jackie’s lean, strong shoulders. When things are at their worst, whom can you turn to? Your “one” is you, Jackie.

Next week on Work Out Jackie and the trainers learn the joys of scripted video production. Briana’s glow fades from Jackie’s eyes, and they start fighting. Yup. We’re right on schedule.

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