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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 3.8 “Make It Work … Out”

Worth the wait – The day to shoot the Jackie Warner workout DVD is approaching faster than a speedboat full of Lindsay-Sam paparazzi gunning towards P. Diddy’s yacht, but the Jackster still hasn’t given any thought to the concept, the exercises or any of the other pesky details involved in producing a fitness DVD with her name on it. Who’s up for buying 40 minutes of Jackie winging it while calling everyone “honey”?

Seasoned fitness video producer/director Andrea Ambandos arrives at Sky Sport & Spa with her video choreographer, Keli, for their pre-production meeting with Jackie. Too bad their star isn’t there.

While they wait for Jackie – who’s late, as usual – Andrea tells Keli what’s in store. Or rather, what’s not in store.

Andrea: She does not have a clue as to how much work is involved. I think she thinks this is something she can do in her sleep. Last night, she called me and she kinda like didn’t have anything to show us today. And my biggest concern is that she’s not ready, and she’s going to have excuses. Keli: Yeah, well, people always do.

Jackie didn’t have time to organize her thoughts about the DVD because she was too busy walking on eggshells and trying to win a crumb of approval from her socially awkward, fundamentalist mother. And if that doesn’t take someone’s head out of the game, I don’t know what will.

An hour and a half goes by, and Jackie is still nowhere to be found. Andrea gets on her cell and calls someone to complain about not being treated like a priority. Who is Andrea talking to? It could be the show’s producer; it could be her therapist. We will never know.

Just as Andrea and Keli are about to give up and go find Jillian Michaels, Her Majesty comes swaggering in and tosses off a half-ass apology.

Why is it cool to be late? Does it make someone feel important to keep others waiting? Is someone truly better than the rest because they cultivate the perception of being oh-so-busy? Granted, I don’t like being the first guest at a party, but mostly because the first-to-arrives always get suckered into chopping celery for a veggie platter or going out for ice. But being late to a business meeting is just unprofessional. Perhaps Jackie had a fashion dilemma – gray T-shirt or white T-shirt today?

Jackie shrugs and says indifferently she was only 20 minutes late, even though Andrea says it was more like 90 minutes. Let’s split the difference and call it rude.

Pre-pro – Once they get down to the business of production, Andrea explains that Keli is experienced with fitness videos and Jackie should use her as much or as little as she wants. Andrea recommends using Keli a lot. Jackie hates being told what to do, so that’s never going to happen. Instead, Jackie explains her vision – ya know, the one she thought up while she was parking her car.

Jackie: I was thinking good things come in threes. So, I break it up in increments of threes. So what I’ll do is one minute, plié squats; one minute, backward lunge. So we keep it flowing.

Andrea wants a demonstration right then and there, so Jackie gets up and shows them a few squats that I like to call the Rice Paddy Birth. After three or four reps, she stops.

Andrea wants to see what a full minute will look like, because unlike Jackie and her strangely elastic concept of time, Andrea knows that one minute can be an eternity in a video.

Jackie says dismissively, “Oh, I’m not doing it for a minute.”

Andrea informs Jackie she’ll have to be talking the entire time she’s squatting and lunging, because without some lively chatter, watching squats is D-U-L-L, dull. Oh, I don’t know about that. I could watch Rebecca and Erika do squats all day long.

Next, they discuss the trainers to be used as Jackie’s backup dancers on the video. They’re all in amazing shape, telegenic and sexy, but they can’t all be on the DVD. More importantly, Andrea wants to know how tight her star feels these days.

Andrea: How are you feeling about yourself? Because the last time we talked, you were feeling … Jackie: I’m so aggravated ’cause I haven’t even had time to work out. I know what this is going to take: an endurance and being able to be clear and speaking, as well as doing the exercises and the routines. And I still haven’t had time to train.

Hmm. Jackie constantly admonishes her SkyLab clients for not making time to work out. Oh well. Do as she say, not as she do.

Andrea: People know who you are. You need to bring that person and make me feel like for whatever amount of money that I have to spend in the stores to buy this, I’m getting a little piece of you.

Selling Jackie Warner by the pound. Isn’t that Bravo’s job?

Trying hard now – Jackie goes to Runyon Canyon, the Hollywood park where beautiful people go to sweat out last night’s martinis and walk their doggies, to whip her ass back into fighting shape.

Imagine, if you will, the theme to Rocky. Dah-da-dahhhh, duh-da-dummm. Gonna fly now … Jackie’s crunching her abs. She’s doing push-ups in the dirt.

I wish we had footage of her chasing a live chicken around, or a grizzled old trainer telling her, “You’re gonna eat lightnin’, you’re gonna crap thunder!”

Here, Jackie Balboa airs out the moist areas to avoid chafing.

Jackie says she’s insecure right now; she’s not feeling strong and she’s not 21 anymore. Hardcore training is the only way to get the eight-pack the public expects to see on a fitness professional such as herself.

Running down a steep, dusty path, Jackie slips and falls on her butt.

Oh, editor, you are a cruel, cruel person. I like you.

Auditions – Later that night, Andrea, Keli and Jackie hold the backup dancer auditions in the gym. All the trainers are there, but there are only a few spots to fill with Sky Sport’s best-looking, “star quality” hot bods. Some will go home winners; some will just go home.

Jackie: It’s going to be sexy, because you guys are all sexy. You know, we’re all sexy. It’s a sexy gym, a sexy environment, and I want the DVD to be sexy. But get a hell of a workout.

She wants it to be sexy, in case anyone missed her point. But not too sexy, I hope. You want people working out more than their hand.

First up: Rebecca and J.D. Rebecca jokes she feels like she’s back in school, trying out for cheerleading. Did your head cheerleader also once make you her special cuddle monkey? If not, then this would not be like school.

Rebecca asks if she should take her shirt off. Um, do strippers always have change for a five? She peels off her top, and Andrea gets a load of her ripped tummy. You’re so hired.

Keli gives Rebecca and J.D. some choreographed moves; they’re dancey, breezy, and not at all how they train in real life. While Rebecca and J.D. continue sweatin’ to the oldies, Andrea and Jackie put their heads together and confer about who has what it takes to stand behind Jackie in the video.

Greg Plitt and Erika are paired up next and stand before the judges. Andrea asks Plitt to take his shirt off – not for the video, just for her own amusement. Heh. Andrea is not “all work and no play” after all.

Jesse says, “I would put Greg Plitt in my workout video before I would put me in my workout video.”

Keli runs Erika and Greg through some more choreography that includes a little high kicking and plenty of Bob Fosse. Greg does his best, laughing the whole way through, while Erika has trouble remembering her left from her other left.

Erika: I thought we were going to be auditioning Jackie’s more traditional training style. Jackie Warner does not go, “One, two, three … four, five, six … seven, eight.” I was totally caught off-guard.

Erika starts goofing around because the moves are so corny. Jackie tells her to focus, and the smile immediately drops from her face. Erika respects authority. A lot.

Andrea asks Erika to lift up her shirt, so she knots it up obediently, but feels self-conscious, nonetheless. She looks fine – certainly no worse than Jesse, who’s up next with Agostina. They, too, have to sell it to the mezzanine.

Is this an audition for a workout video or A Chorus Line?

Andrea sees Jesse’s chest tat that says “Om Nama Shiva” and asks what it means. I’m no expert, but it might not be spelled right. Jesse tells her it’s Hindi for “I love Jackie Warner.” This is the mantra that has gotten Jesse through many a season of Work Out.

Next up are Gregg and Renessa. Gregg has zero interest in being in the video and makes it clear by showing up in his “Jolly Green Gay Giant” getup, complete with knee socks and “ball-crunching” shorts. Meanwhile, Renessa seems to think she’s there trying out for a part on Charlie’s Angels, and tarts it up by tousling her hair to fall strategically across her face.

Renessa: As soon as it started, I warmed up to it. I’m like, “OK, I can do this and I might as well look damn good doing it.”

Looking “damn good” is relative, but Andrea and Jackie love it.

The kids are sent outside while the grown-ups compare notes.

The trio decide that Renessa was a hit, Jesse has a cute charm, and Agostina is a Latin hottie. Andrea thought Gregg was fun. And by “fun,” she means has large testicles.

Jackie tells them that Greg Plitt is already a professional fitness model. The real disappointment of the evening is longtime employee Erika, who was charisma-free, awkward and sloppy – the very antithesis of what sexy, sexy Sky Sport stands for.

Keli calls everyone back inside. Jackie asks Erika, J.D., Greg, and Gregg to step forward. Rebecca jumps the gun and gives them all a small, “Yay,” but it’s bad news for these bears.

“For this particular project, it’s not going to work out, I’m sorry,” Jackie says calmly. But if she ever needs an Angelina Jolie look-alike, a black Richard Simmons and a superhero, Erika, Gregg and Greg are in.

Jackie gives Erika a personal “I’m sorry” hug because Erika gets down on herself so much. But Erika seems fine about losing out to Renessa.

Eh. Erika is smoking hot and got to do a cover shoot for a magazine. Everyone gets their moment in the sun.

Man date – The next day, Jesse follows through on his previous promise to set J.D. up with one of his cute, single friends. Jesse’s happy to play matchmaker to L.A.’s most eligible gay men, as long as he doesn’t have to join them on their uncomfortable first dates. If things go well, he’ll take all the credit; if the date bombs, he doesn’t want to hear about it. Young J.D. would rather not be left alone with a stranger, but gay elder Jesse tells his protégé that he must walk the road less traveled (Santa Monica Blvd, that is) alone.

Jesse does give Junior some sage advice before sending him out into the dating world: Don’t get too hammered on a first date.

Taste the flava of discontent – Back at Casa Warner, Jackie tells Briana she wants to add onto the house, maybe build an extra room off the garage. Briana offers up the construction services of her sister and brother-in-law, who live in San Francisco.

What are relatives for, if not to get stuff done on the cheap?

Jackie says she can’t afford to fly them down to L.A., so Briana suggests they work on the house the next time they come to visit. Yeah, dealing with permits and day laborers between visits to Disneyland sounds like fun for them. Jackie nixes the suggestion, looks annoyed and changes the subject.

Jackie: What are we gonna eat tonight? Briana: Do you want to go out, or do you want to make chicken and vegetables or something? Jackie: Let’s eat out tonight. Briana: You don’t like how I cook; it’s too healthy for you. Jackie: It’s not too healthy, it just has no taste. Briana: Well, if you would actually taste it, you might taste the taste of it.

Early on, Briana tried to make Jackie drink a shake made from pond algae, grass and leaves, or something equally gag-alicious. Her attempt to indoctrinate Jackie into her world of ingestible photosynthesis tanked. Now Jackie doesn’t want anything to do with Briana’s cooking. Oh, sure, she’ll sip a piping hot mug of weeds, but the thought of having to choke down one of Briana’s poopy protein entrées gives her a migraine.

Suddenly, Jackie is starting to question the wisdom of moving in so fast. Really? Moving in with someone before you’ve learned their last name isn’t the most level-headed thing to do, but not agreeing on fennel is hardly a warning sign of incompatibility.

Taste the taste of this, Jackie: Maybe you’re addicted to candy. Jackie will forever crave fireballs like Mimi, or tangy, sweet treats like Rebecca, but Briana – and all her good-for-you goodness – will never sate someone who lives on girl sugar.

Rehearsals – Everyone meets at a dance studio to rehearse the DVD routines. Jackie saunters in last, of course, while Andrea checks her watch for the umpteenth time. I love the way Jackie is physically incapable of being on time for anything.

Keli’s there to lead the group in some bouncy dance aerobics, even though the Sky Sport trainers were still in diapers when that was all the rage. Jesse watches Jackie from the back row and laughs his ass off.

Jesse: Watching Jackie Warner dancercise was one of the best moments of my life.

Keli then suggests some arm lunges reminiscent of Saturday Night Fever. Jackie puts a stop to the insanity.

Jackie: Oh, I’m not gonna doing that. Keli: No? Jackie: No, that’s not me … Jesse: It’s fun, Jackie, c’mon! Jackie: That is not cool.

Keli smiles and moves on to something equally bouncy, flouncy and, well, there’s really no other way to describe it: straight housewife-y. Now Rebecca is cracking up, too.

Jackie: Oh boy. I just can’t do anything that’s so not like me. I feel retarded. Andrea: OK, OK, stop, stop, stop. Let’s talk about this.

Andrea listens as Jackie explains that her weight lifting, hardcore style doesn’t mesh with dancercising. Keli is like a two-pound hand weight, coated in friendly pink latex. Jackie is a 12-pounder, forged from raw cast iron. Jackie declares, “I’m not going to make an ass out of myself.”

Too late.

As Keli’s eyes narrow into suspicious slits and the rest of the trainers watch with glee, Jackie makes a case for doing things the Sky Sport way: boxing, ass kicking, all things masculine. I have to say I agree. They came to Jackie, wanting to make a buck on her name and fame, and now they’re trying to remake her into some kind of aerobics bunny. It’s a crime against nature.

Jackie finally brings something to the table: a group warm-up followed by one-on-one segments with each trainer, broken down by body sections – upper, lower and core. Keli clenches her teeth, smiles and suggests they “kinda play with” Jackie’s idea, for she knows that long after Jackie Warner’s video is done, she’ll still be cranking out those lady dancercises with Andrea.

Jackie leads her kids in a drill, the Sky Sport way.

And shows us what it is she likes best about Rebecca.

After rehearsals are over, everyone is wiped and suddenly worried how they’re going to make it through five or six takes of everything for the camera. Andrea is finally satisfied and reminds Jackie and the others to show up on shoot day strong, shredded and ready to show off their zah-zah-zing.

The easy way out – Fresh from her sensitivity training, gossipmonger-impersonating-a-managing-director Lisa shows up in Jackie’s office.

Jackie: You look pretty. Lisa: Thank you! Jackie: I like to tell you that when you come sit down. Lisa: Why? Jackie: ‘Cause I know it makes you happy. And then you perform better. See? It’s all manipulation.

Memo to Jackie: It works better if you don’t tell them what you’re doing. But, oh, Jackie loves to flirt with Lisa. She just can’t help herself.

Lisa asks Jackie for a day off. Jackie wants to know why. After a little hedging, Lisa says she’s having surgery. Jackie looks slightly concerned, but Lisa is smiling too coyly for it to be serious.

Finally Lisa ‘fesses up she’s going in for liposuction. Jackie stops smiling; she has never been a fan of short cuts and scalpels. If only the doctors would suck the fat out of Lisa’s head, instead.

Jackie: You’ve got a whole gym and trainers at your disposal. You’ve not even tried that. Lisa: I have. I have, I swear to you. I’ve worked out; you haven’t seen me. Jackie: [skeptically] Who are you working out with, consistently? Lisa: Agostina … I’ve worked out with. Jackie: How many times a week? Be honest.

Lisa doesn’t answer Jackie and looks away. Jackie’s also peeved that Lisa chose such a busy month to get cellulite sucked out of her thighs. She reminds Lisa all she has to do is change her eating habits and try harder – Jackie even offers to let her work out during her workday. Sweet.

But although Jackie says, “Don’t do it,” Lisa doesn’t want to hear it. Keep your laws off of my body! Jackie relents and gives her the day off.

Dude. You work at a gym a lot of people can’t afford. It’s crawling with in-demand personal trainers. What the hell? I guess you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it get on the Stairmaster.

Shoot day – It’s early morning on the day of the shoot. Rebecca wanders into makeup and chats with Jackie as she gets her face put on. Rebecca confesses she woke up in the middle of the night and ate Nutella straight from the jar. A good way to avoid eating Nutella in the middle of the night is to not buy Nutella. Rebecca looks sad.

But it’s not guilt over her midnight snack that’s bringing Rebecca down; it’s her recent breakup. No wonder she was hanging off Jackie last month like a helpless baby possum in search of a safe, warm pouch.

Meanwhile, Jackie’s so nervous she says she’s going to pass out. Everyone will have to suck it up because it’s Go Time. Everyone takes their places, and the stage manager signals to Jackie.

She tries reading a teleprompter for the first time and instantly loses the ability to speak in coherent sentences.

Thirty-eight takes later, she’s nailed it, but it’s too late; the crew is on their union-mandated afternoon nap.

Jackie soon learns that if she flubs, they don’t pick up where they are; she has to start all over. The trainers do their part, demonstrating exercises until their cheeks are aching from smiling and they can’t feel their toes.

Agostina concentrates on perfecting her form, Rebecca powers through a million push-ups, and Renessa conveys girlie squeals of delight using just her face.

Andrea steps out from behind the camera and gives an exhausted Rebecca some bad news about her push-up segment.

Andrea: We always have to do everything twice. Rebecca: OK … Andrea: Do you think you can make it through? Rebecca: I’m going to do my very best.

Jackie tells Rebecca she feels for her and apologizes on behalf of every fitness video ever made. Rebecca starts to cry.

Rebecca: I don’t think you understand the magnitude of the situation. I cannot lift my arms.

The camera rolls, and this time there’s no smiling or cutesy, showgirl antics. Rebecca puts her game face on and gets through the segment on nothing but sheer will.

She didn’t set a world record for bench-pressing at the tender age of 17 by being a wussified quitter.

Meanwhile, across town – While the never-ending workout shoot is going on, J.D. goes on his blind date with Jesse’s friend Derek. It’s a date like any other date; there’s some drinking, some eating, some chitty-chat about work, tattoos and criminal records. Ya know, the usual.

Things go well and after dinner, out on the sidewalk, J.D. shows his appreciation for a lovely evening by swallowing Derek whole.

It’s 11:04 p.m., do you know where your trainer is? –Sixteen hours after they started, Jackie and Co. are still taping. Jesse’s ready to walk. Rebecca looks wrung out. Even Renessa has stopped grinning and mugging for the camera. And as always, Agostina hangs back and quietly observes it all.

Andrea tells Jackie they’re in the home stretch; she just has to do the warm-up segment one more time. By now, Jackie’s been on camera for more than two regular workdays. She runs through the warm-up effortlessly. Nothing cures a case of the nerves faster than exhaustion and a feeling of “I just don’t give a s— anymore.”

Andrea cuts in and says, “That’s a wrap!”

Relief-filled hugs all around! All except Jesse, who was halfway to his car before the word “wrap” left Andrea’s lips. OK, not really. He gives Jackie a big, brotherly hug, but secretly, he just wants help standing.

Jackie thanks her staff for making it through the day (and night) like the troupers they are. She thanks Keli for I don’t know what. She thanks Andrea, who finally looks happy because she knows she just captured a little Jackie Warner magic in a bottle.

Snooping – Later that night, Jackie is home alone, showered and ready for bed. She reads herself a bedtime story by snooping through Briana’s cell phone text messages. There’s a new message on it, and it’s from Briana’s ex-girlfriend. Did anyone else just hear a shoe drop?

So long, Briana, good knowing ya. Keep in touch, won’t you?

Next week on Work Out: In the season finale, the SkyLab clients reveal their new bods. Jackie confronts Briana about her ex and goes to Jesse and Rebecca for advice. Was there no one else?

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