Elisha Cuthbert returns to “24” – with a surprise

Back off terrorists — this time its personal! As you may know, Elisha
will be reprising the role of Kim Bauer, the frequently
imperiled daughter of Jack, on the upcoming seventh season of
24. And [minor spoilers — watch out] she will apparently
have a baby with her this time around. Just think of the
grandkid-snatching potential! All the offensive excuses for Kim to
behave inexplicably incompetently; the election-year-friendly focus
on the (straight, white, very patriotic) family.

This earthshaking news has divided 24 fans, the line forming between those who found Cuthbert’s
character an insufferable brat and those who think she is smokin’
hot. (In the interest of full disclosure, I am not a
hardcore 24 junkie, and I’m not ragging on the girl, but she
doesn’t really do anything for me. Thus, I have little stake in the
debate beyond where to best view the scuffle while eating my popcorn.)

I am invested in the reason, though, for Cuthbert’s return. I think we
all know what that is:

Didn’t turn into her big motion picture breakout, eh? I’d expect
more people remember the controversy over the non-MPAA approved
misogyny-stoking posters than the film itself, or even the
fact that Cuthbert was in it. Pick your torture porn better next
time, sweetie! For all the flack Lindsay Lohan took, at least I Know
Who Killed Me
has clear cult potential. As box office failures
go, Captivity was no Hostel: Part II (which I will eagerly
defend to you if ever the opportunity should arise).

But I digress — what will Kim do on this day of days? Supposedly she
will not appear in the two hour prequel movie set in a fictional
country in Africa called Sangala (sure to become the most well-known
African nation to most people in the United States,) which follows Jack’s
attempts to handle an international crisis during the inauguration of
the USA’s first female president. The circumstances of Cuthbert’s arrival with child in a late season story
arc remain shrouded in mystery.