TV Alert: “House” returns tonight on Fox

The cranky is back! House returns tonight with its fifth season premiere to bring professional misanthropy back to the masses. Dr. Gregory House and his past and present diagnostic team are all returning, including bisexual doc Thirteen (Olivia Wilde), who actually gets a first and last name: Remy Hadley.

When last we left our good and not-so-good doctors, things were looking down — really, really down. Wilson’s girlfriend Amber died in a crash on a bus she would have never been on if it hadn’t been for House. And Thirteen learned that she has Huntington’s disease, and therefore a 10-year life expectancy, after finally taking the test. Good times all around.

Since we’re on a negative note, I’ve got a bone to pick with the folks at Entertainment Weekly: I came home Friday to find the magazine in my mailbox and a nattily-dressed Hugh Laurie on the cover. Thrilled at the prospect of reading about my favorite stable of fake doctors, I opened to the cover story only to be instantly incensed. Why? Well look at the photo that accompanied the article.

Um, where are all the ladies? If I’m not terribly mistaken, House also features three very talented, very attractive actresses playing three very talented, very attractive doctors. So, what gives? I tore through the article to see the reason for the gender segregation, but none was forthcoming.

Instead, the article went on to talk spoilers for the new season (that’s your warning, by the way). While Thirteen’s Huntington’s disease is mentioned, most talk of female characters revolved around their romantic entanglements with male cast mates. The relationship between Cameron (Jennifer Morrison) and Chase (Jesse Spencer) apparently heats up, an ironic twist considering their real-life engagement ended last year. And House and Cuddy (Lisa Edelstein) finally kiss in the sixth episode.

To be fair, a good chunk of the article is also dedicated to the end of the “bromance” (God, I can’t believe I just used that word) between House and Wilson. Apparently being the incidental cause of the death of your best friend’s girlfriend is a deal breaker. There’s also much talk of a potential spin-off featuring a new private eye (Michael Weston) that House hires to spy on, well, everyone. Another cast member, really? Sheesh, look who is the cranky one now.

So are you excited for the new season? Do you want to see House and Cuddy finally get it on? And when did the costume department decide that suspenders were shorthand for gay?