“America’s Next Top Model” Cycle 11 Recaps: Episode 11.4 “You’re Beautiful, Now Change”

Hannah gets a pageboy that’s a bit adorable and had me thinking “Holy crap, the Sagal Twins of television’s Double Trouble weren’t twins at all — they were triplets!”

In related news, writing about the Sagal Twins and their 80s sitcom surely has some of you going “Err…old, much?” to which I say, “Get off my lawn, you damn kids. Why is it so cold in here? I need a shrug and some unguent. Agh, I feel another bursitis flare-up coming on.”

Marjorie goes from blonde to brown and it really works for her; McKey goes from long-n-red to short-n-dark and the jury’s still out. Clark goes dark as well, but is determined to stay “blonde inside,” and Elina…Elina…oh, Elina.

All her hopes that her makeover wouldn’t be too drastic are jettisoned directly into the sun when Miss J says it will, in fact, be “da-raaaastic”. That’s still understating the matter.

The weave “mastress” shows up, busts out a bright red Wookiee scalp, and the hip, intense, bisexual vegan is transformed into Carrot Top’s stunt double.

Elina cries, and I cry right along with her. Why…why…just why, Fairy TyraMother? It’s because with the dark hair, Elina resembled Angelina Jolie a bit too much and there can only be one Angelina Jolie (to rule them all).

I question this reasoning, because I my mind, having more than one Angelina Jolie in the world is a far better prospect than having more than one Ronald McDonald.

It’s this stuff you put on your face — After the makeovers are finished and the soul-bleeding has subsided a bit, the models are whisked away to that magical land known as “Wal Mart” where they’ll be giving an impromptu kinda-commercial for some new Cover Girl makeup foundation system thingy. It’s all improvised, but they need to give an effective explanation of the product whilst emoting in a Cover Girl fashion.

Hey, if Ellen DeGeneres can do it, they should have no problem, right?

Wrong! Well, a couple of them manage it — Hannah and Samantha, at least, expound Cover Girlishly. Elina struggles under the big red rain cloud that is her new ‘do and can’t form a complete sentence before her time is up. Marjorie, meanwhile, is super cute but quips “Thank God for Walgreens!” Something tells me that the suits at Wal Mart might be sticklers when it comes to, you know, the name of their store.

I’m not a stickler, however, and this slip of the tongue earns Marjorie this week’s “I Heart Her” Award.

Hannah takes home the grand prize, which consists of a goody bag and a $1000 Wal Mart gift certificate. Man, I could buy so much dishwashing liquid with that kinda scratch. I’d so be soaking in it!

Man, there I go dating myself again. Damn you kids! If that ball comes over my fence one more time, it’s mine!