Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (September 26, 2008)

Hello, lesbians and bisexuals. Leslie Sloane-Zelnik here. I’m Lindsay Lohan‘s publicist, and in case you missed the statement I made to yesterday, let me clear up a little something for you.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are just friends!

I’m starting to think Bill O’Reilly was right — gang members, the lot of you!

Why must you continue to misinterpret the platonic friendship between Lindsay and Samantha?

Yes, they are together all the time. Yes, they wear matching rings. Yes, they blog together to speak out against homophobia. [Note to self: Revoke Lindsay’s Internet privileges.] Yes, their friends call them a couple. Yes, they canoodle in public. Yes, they kiss open-mouthed in front of cameras. And yes, they called into Loveline where Lindsay said they’d been in a relationship for “a really long time.” [Note to self: Revoke Lindsay’s phone privileges.]

So, now you’re going to take those tiny little details and string them together to call it romance? That is the height of ridiculousness. They’re just friends! Friends! My client Lindsay Lohan is not g-ga—, um, she’s not … What I mean to say is Lindsay is not that-which-must-not-be-named. (Starts with “L,” ends with “N,” rhymes with “fezbian.”) OK?

If she were of that persuasion, you could write about her here in your Friday column.

You could say that last night she guest-starred on Ugly Betty, and was hilarious. You could show a screenshot of her in her Flushing Burgers uniform, and mention that during her appearance, she said, “Whatever you do, don’t have sex in the woods on Fire Island.” And you could laugh and laugh because Fire Island is a more lesbionic vacation spot than the Greek island of Lesbos.

You could also show the trailer for Lindsay’s new movie, Labor Pains. You could say that it sort of looks like an indie version of Baby Mama, but that you have big hopes for it anyway, because it also stars Janeane Garofalo, Cheryl Hines and Chris Parnell, which is kind of a comedy trifecta of awesomeness.

You could write that Lindsay just finished filming an episode of Project Runway, where she’ll be a guest judge when the show moves to Lifetime next season.

Finally, you could probably even note that pretty much everyone you know wants to see Lindsay back on top of her game, and that you, personally, have been rooting for her since Mean Girls, even before the that-which-must-not-be-named speculation began. You could say that two completed television appearances and one completed movie seem like a good start to a Lohan comeback.

But don’t. Don’t write any of those things. News about Lindsay Lohan belongs on straight-people websites, because Lindsay, herself, is straight people.

And you people? Well, let’s just say I know what you did last summer, and it involved Fire Island.

— by StuntDouble