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Grey’s Anatomy Recap: 5.4 “Brave New World”

Casa del Grey – Izzie is scrounging for pizza money. Alex owes her a few bucks, but he’s ignoring her knocks on his door, so she goes to Meredith’s room instead. McDreamy opens the door, wearing nothing but five o’clock shadow and a pillow, which he holds in front of him, pressed to his man parts.

Later, Meredith will be wondering why her hair smells like Tinactin.

After Izzie explains her predicament to Derek, he tells her to hide in the bathroom. Derek barks for Alex to come out of his lair and give him a twenty. Alex complies and stomps back into his room to continue his never-ending sulk. Derek hands the double sawbuck over to a grateful and impressed Izzie.

Problem solved. Izzie can pay the delivery boy, thus avoiding having to do anything porn-y in exchange for her extra cheese with anchovy, and Derek earned some good housemate points.

Moving day – Meanwhile, Erica and Meredith are helping their girlfriends, Callie and Cristina, move into the fantastic apartment they stole out from under Izzie, the Loneliest Girl on Earth.

Yang tries to drop a box of her clothes the second she comes in the front door but Callie warns her, “The living room will not be a dumping ground like the old place was.”

Shirts go in the closet, socks go in the drawer. The space between the couch cushions is for Callie and Erica’s bras, but that’s another episode.

Cristina plans to ignore her, but Erica brushes past and snaps, “Did you not hear her?” with protective butchiness. Well, that’s new. And delightful.

Yang throws Erica a look of distain and drops her box on the floor anyway. Meredith eyes Hahn and says she’s scary, while an unsuspecting Cristina mumbles that Callie needs a new “best friend.” Cristina is in for a surprise the morning she finds Erica in her bathroom, humming “Come to My Window.”

Bold moves – While Meredith helps Cristina unpack her ivy league diplomas and voodoo dolls in the other room, Erica eyes Callie appreciatively and fantasizes about unpacking the junk in her trunk.

She screws her courage to the sticking place and pops the question.

Erica: Do you want to go on a date with me?

Callie: Like a “date” date?

Erica: Yeah, you know: Restaurant, candle light, bottle of wine. At the end of the night, I try to take your clothes off.

Callie: Ooh. That, it would be a date.

Or, sticks her courage to the screwing place. Whichever.

Callie nods and offers Erica a nervous smile. As Erica takes that for a “yes” and turns away to mentally high-five herself, a look of uncertainty alights on Callie’s face. Let the anxiety attack begin.

Don’t worry. It’s just one date. What could possibly happen? Knowing this show, nothing.

Snooping – Much later, Meredith comes home to find Derek naked, in bed. What has he been doing all day, besides hanging around their room, bare-assed? Hopefully, he did a load of laundry and washed those pillowcases.

On the nightstand, Meredith spies what she thinks is Derek’s journal, and instantly warms to the impossible idea that a grown man writes down his thoughts and feelings in a diary. Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. And Meredith re-arranges the furniture.

Derek clarifies that the diary belonged to the Old Grey Lady, Meredith’s deceased mother. He found it but claims he didn’t read it, and leans in to make out with her. Meredith bristles while his puckered lips hang in the air. What was Derek doing in the study? Why was he going through her mother’s things? Why do the sheets now resemble a pup tent?

Day shift ? At the hospital, the Chief is in an irascible snit because no one is following his 8 Simple Rules for Making Him Awesome. Dr. Ineffectual warns them not to “harangue” Bailey about their assignments, as if Miranda “Do I Look Like I’m Kidding?” Bailey needs anyone to assert her authority for her. She may only be five feet tall, but it’s five feet of whup ass.

George is sweating his intern test results but the scores aren’t in yet. Lexie looks at him dreamily and offers to buy him a beer, win or lose. Head cheerleader Lexie tell George not to fret – she’s soo sure he passed, it’s not even funny!

Undaunted by the possibility of being harangued, Bailey assigns Meredith, not Cristina, to work with Erica. Under ordinary circumstances, Cristina’s the only resident with the skills to keep up with Hahn, but these days, the only thing on Hahn’s mind is meeting her lady date halfway up a strand of spaghetti.

Nevertheless, Meredith is terrified and feeling inadequate, so Cristina offers to be her surgical Cyrano. To her horror, Cristina is growing into her role as Meredith’s “person” by being all supportive and empathetic. Gross.

Outside at a coffee cart, the McTwins are having a girl talk. Derek confides in Mark that Meredith wigs out every time he claims a hanger. Good thing it has nothing to do with his rummaging through her mother’s most private possessions.

Mark broaches the idea that living together might not work out by casually asking if Derek’s trailer is still sitting in the woods, or did he give it to Craig for his list? Derek assures Mark that he hasn’t set his lifeboat adrift in Meredith’s fickle sea of whackadoodle.

This week’s MacGuffins – Izzie is treating an older man for a head laceration when she notices his facial tic. The man’s wife sits off to the side, angrily flipping through a magazine and berates him for being boring and snoozy. Izzie orders a CT scan of the man’s head because she’s still young and idealistic and doesn’t realize that the most common cause of facial tics is marriage.

In another part of the hospital, Meredith and George are chasing an adorable moppet named Duncan through the hallways. Duncan protests his upcoming heart surgery by jumping up onto a waiting room couch and pulling the fire alarm. Kids do the darndest things. His hapless parents hang their heads in shame and wish they hadn’t turned down that offer from the producers of Supernanny.

Are we still on for later? – Erica finds Callie and asks if dinner at “Manger La Femme” at eight is too late because she’ll be resecting bowels until seven. It’s probably fine with Callie, as she plans on hyperventilating until 7:30.

Callie: No, but if you need to reschedule or cancel…

Erica: C’mon, are you kidding? I made a reservation at Canto. I even gamed-out an outfit. We are doing this.

Gulp. While Erica becomes giddier with each passing hour, Callie seems about ready to break out in hives. Maybe she Canto go through with this.

And what does “gaming-out” an outfit entail? Shopping for something new and trendy? Choosing that favorite top; the one that brings out your eyes? Or going with something that slips off easily and fits in your purse?

Lesbians everywhere ? Meanwhile, that other lesbian couple, Meredith and Cristina, are discussing the case Meredith is working on with Hahn. Cristina gives her girlfriend some valuable and impressive pulmonary tips to dazzle and bamboozle Erica.

“I can’t believe I’m giving you all my best stuff,” Cristina says with disgust at her own generosity.

Meredith gives Yang a weird kiss-forehead slap hybrid, because supportive love between two women is so damn confusing sometimes.

In other news, Alex lies to Derek and steals Izzie’s facial tic patient. George shows his affinity for precocious, annoying little boys and befriends Duncan. And the Chief is off somewhere, dictating his memoirs, Failing Upwards: Confessions of a Gasbag.

The road less traveled – Since Callie isn’t allowed to talk to her pal Mark anymore, she needs a new confidant to process her funny feelings about Erica. Looking around to see if the coast is clear, Callie leans in and comes out to Bailey.

Callie: I’m going on a date with Erica Hahn. And ah, that’s awkward because she’s a colleague. And because she’s an Attending. And because she’s a “she.” And ah, there’s been kissing, but no touching. And what if I’m not into it? What if I’m horrible at all that stuff south of the border. ‘Cause I never been south of the border. With a female. I never even been over the northern mountains, if you know what I’m saying.

Bailey can’t believe her ears. Additionally, she might not have a clue what the hell Callie is talking about. And why do I have a sudden urge to go on a road trip?

Callie: We’re going to pretend this didn’t happen.

Oh honey, it’s too late now. That lesbo ship has set sail. Next stop: Isla Mujeres. Don’t forget to pack your snorkel.

Narnia ? Cristina, who’s stuck in the clinic treating the unwashed masses, has a patient with an oozy rash. Desperate for it to be something cool like a flesh-eating bacteria, she calls Sloan in for a consult, but he blows off the woman’s scales as a case of the cooties. Mark instructs Yang to go get some cream and wanders off to find some nurses’ asses to pinch.

Cristina goes up to dermatology and there, discovers a whole new world of wonder. The waiting room is painted in soothing pastels. No one is rushing or yelling or dying. The atmosphere is pleasant, serene and doesn’t smell at all like urine.

Cristina stands with her mouth agape, staring wide-eyed at the ethereal paradise and its smiling staff and happy patients. Suddenly remembering why she’s there, Cristina asks a pretty, young dermbot for the cream.

The woman offers Yang some raspberry-infused water while she waits. Sure, and if you have any more of that ecstasy you’re obviously on, just drop it in.

You are so busted – Meredith regurgitates what Cyrano de Yang told her to say to Erica. Impressed with her knowledge, Erica offers Meredith a chance to perform part of a complex procedure she actually knows nothing about.

Izzie tattles on Alex to Derek and demands her patient back but Derek doesn’t play their kiddie games and tells her to take her sniveling elsewhere. Mark offers Izzie some macho advice: Stake your claim and shoot the ass off of anyone who tries to steal what’s yours. It’s the wild west and only cowboys like Alex survive.

Izzie walks away, dejected and empty-handed because she doesn’t own a pair of six-shooters. Even cowgirls get the blues.

Who cares. Down the hall, Erica just got busted checking out chicks.

Erica is working at a computer terminal when she notices Callie getting onto an elevator with a little old man. She watches Callie press the button for the octogenarian and smile sweetly at him, as they wait for the doors to close.

With her eyes locked on Callie’s face, Erica suddenly becomes very still. The rest of the world falls away. A smile forms on her lips and slowly breaks into a big grin. Smitten much?

And Bailey saw everything.

Callie and Erica have had many moments of meaningful eye contact lately, but it’s Chandra Wilson who makes the best faces ever.

Return to Narnia ? Cristina is so fascinated with the Utopia that is dermatology, she 911 pages Meredith to come join her. Meredith rushes upstairs, only to find Cristina making herself comfortable on the waiting area’s couch.

Cristina: Look, look, look! They are residents. That one baked a seven-layer cake for that one’s birthday. From scratch. Oh, oh, oh! And that one? That one’s girlfriend is taking him skiing this weekend. Oh, and this one’s the best. OK, this one is leaving to go get a facial. And she told her Attending, and her Attending was happy. Because they have to have facials. Because they’re dermatologists.

Meredith tries to mock the dermbots, but Cristina won’t have it. “There is no mocking in derm. Only warmth and light,” she intones dreamily.

Cristina sighs and nestles back into the safe bosom that is professional skin care.

It’s not long before Izzie has joined them to bitch about Alex. She sits down and marvels at the “living freak show” that Cristina discovered. Meredith practices her pulmonary sutures on a sprig of grapes, but she may was well be knitting because everyone’s chillaxing and not answering their pagers.

I had a hide-away like that at my last job. It was called my office.

A sex talk – Back in the dog-eat-dog world of general surgery, Bailey can’t take one more moment of the lesbian crushiness that’s permeating her corridors. She confronts Callie in an OR scrub room.

Bailey: I don’t talk about sex.

Callie: Please. Let’s just pretend I never said even a single word.

Bailey: I don’t talk about sex with anyone, ever. Not any kind of sex.

Callie: Bailey, I am begging you…

Bailey: Zip!

Bailey takes a moment to gather her thoughts and choose her words of wisdom carefully.

Bailey: The va-jay-jay is undiscovered country. It is the motherland. You’ve never traveled there. You don’t know its customs and ways. Now me? I’ve always wanted to go to Africa. But if I go, I’m going to have to learn a few things first. I’m going to have to prepare. I’ll need shots… bring my own syringes, in case something goes wrong. And I’ll want to know how to get to the embassy…

Callie: OK, now you’ve lost me.

You? She lost me, and I’ve been to the motherland so many times, I had to add pages to my passport.

And there’s an embassy? Good to know, in case there’s a coup.

Callie needn’t be so worried. It’s like spending time at a neighbor’s house, in a neighborhood where all the houses are the same. You know the floor plan and where all the light switches are. Their house just doesn’t feel like yours because it’s decorated differently. But when their basement floods, you know what to do, because your does, too. What the hell am I saying?

Motherland, rainforest, deep blue sea. The land down under, south of the border, the promise land. It doesn’t matter what you call it, although I prefer to think of it as a little slice of heaven.

Bailey’s point is that communicating about rules and expectations is a universal language. But don’t talk to her about it. Talk to “the other one” about that, and “how to gracefully demure if you find that you don’t like the, eh, local cuisine.”

Oh, we’re doing food metaphors now? Don’t get me started.

Narnia, just north of the motherland – George stumbles through the overgrown thicket of the surgery floor and emerges in the tranquil valley of dermatology. Izzie, Cristina and Meredith are all on the couch now, watching the peaceful natives in their natural habitat.

George is not as easily seduced by raspberry-infused water and hand massages, and tells the girls to snap out of it: These people apply lotion for a living. Cristina muses how much better their lives would be if only they learned to love lotion.

Don’t say “lotion” around Erica. She won’t like it.

Izzie likes Lotionland better than the wild, wild west. In Lotionland, nobody steal your patients. George tells her to buck up, little buckaroo.

George: Izzie. In the wild, wild west, there is always a woman in the saloon and nobody messes with her, even thought they all have guns.

Izzie: She’s a prostitute. The woman in the saloon is a whore, George.

George: No, she just has other skills she uses to make her way in the world. So, just use what you got.

George grabs the girls and drags them back into the real world. If he has to live in it, so do they.

Other skills – Izzie takes George’s advice to heart and charms her way into the patient’s good graces using her saloon whore charms. It works: Alex is out, Izzie is in. Alex doesn’t have what Izzie has: Blond tresses, a disarming smile and northern mountains, er, molehills.

Cristina’s rash patient took a turn for the worse while she was in Narnia. She returns to find the woman coding and Lexie standing around flailing her arms wildly. They rush the woman into surgery.

Meanwhile, child advocate George convinces the Chief and Hahn that little Duncan’s fears would be alleviated if only he could tour an OR before his procedure. Fear of the unknown can only be banished by the knowing. Paging Dr. Torres.

George dresses Duncan up in some precious over-sized scrubs and escorts him into this surgery.

Cool! I had a fun, gay uncle and we never did anything as awesome as that.

George grabs Duncan and whisks him over to the correct OR, where things are boring and everyone’s faces are intact. Ho hum. Duncan no longer fears surgery and furthermore, would like to go back to the first OR. Maybe this kid isn’t so bad after all.

The truth comes out – Flush with the knowledge Cristina bestowed upon her, Meredith performs like a rock star in Hahn’s operating room. Too bad you can’t fool Erica.

Erica: You can tell Dr. Yang she’s a better teacher than I would have thought.

Meredith: Sorry.

Erica: Save it. Colleagues know more than you do? Milk them for all they’re worth. You lie to me again about your experience and the next heart you see will be your own as I cut it out of your chest with a steak knife.

But how do you really feel?

Misery loves company – Meredith, Cristina and Izzie take another trip to dermatology, but the thrill is gone. “We are not happy, glowy- people,” Cristina concludes, making the Understatement of the Year.

While sharing is caring in the land of the dermbots, our angst-ridden, dysfunctional friends from med-surg need more than wrinkle cream and flavored water to feel alive, and so, they bid dermatology farewell.

Outside, George gets his test results back. He passed. Lexie is over the moon for him, but all he can think is to run and tell Meredith and Izzie. He takes off, leaving Lexie alone on a bench with her unrequited love and undiscovered northern mountains.

Later at the bar, Lexie drinks alone while George and his real friends toast to his success. Alex tells Izzie that he only feels comfortable unloading his jackassery on her, which is actually a compliment. This makes her feel special because she’s that girl.

The date – Erica is waiting at a table for two when Callie strolls into the restaurant late. She’s wearing a fine dress with a hint of cleavage, so I’m guessing her nebulous sense of punctuality is forgiven.

Before they launch their start-up, Callie announces her mission statement.

Callie: We need to have rules.

Erica: What?

Callie: Rules. We need rules about how we’re going to deal with the motherland. Because it’s undiscovered country. And maybe… maybe it will be the best vacation either of us has ever had. But it’s mysterious and dark, and there should be rules. Oh, and an embassy. And a safe word.

Erica: I’m sorry? What the hell are you talking about?

Callie: Below the… [whispering] below the Mason-Dixon Line… of your pants. I’m not sure I’m ready to go there.

Erica: [smiling] Me neither. There’s lots of undiscovered territory above the belt. We can take it slow. Maybe, just first base?

Callie: [laughs] OK! Whoo! OK. Sorry.

Erica: Finish my wine.

Erica hands Callie her half-full merlot glass. Callie downs the wine in one nervous gulp. Intimate, that.

As Erica looks at her menu, Callie slowly stops spinning and considers the smart, sane, sexy woman in front of her. An imperceptible smirk forms on her lips. “Erica?” she says quietly.

Erica looks up from her menu. Callie says, “Maybe second base, too.”

Plant your flag, Edmund.

A room of one’s own – The show could just end there, as far as I’m concerned, but it doesn’t because the show is called Grey’s Anatomy and not How I Met Your Motherland.

Meredith comes home and tells Derek he can have her mother’s old study. In return, he suggests she use his trailer as her No Boys Allowed tree house.

A fair trade. Everyone needs a country of their own to call home. Cristina settles in next to Meredith as she begins to read aloud from her mother’s diary: “March, 1978. I know I’m a better surgeon than Richard will ever be. Going to suggest he apply for an administrative position at lunch tomorrow. I mean, how much damage can he do there?”

Next week – Still finding her way around the motherland, Callie asks expert womanizer, Sloan, for directions. Too bad the only thing he knows is where all the strip clubs are.

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