Thanksgiving: Ye old holiday of gratitude, where we are treated to a literal cornucopia of endless grocery store gourd displays, cranberry relish, everyone’s Instagram pie photos (seriously, we get it-you’re winning), and guilt trips from your family (or just mine, because I’ve got a Jewish mother). But the most important thing you do on Thanksgiving won’t be basting the turkey (though that’s actually really important), it’ll be about all the things you do while you’re waiting for things to simmer, golden, boil and fizz (the sound of the drink you just popped open.)
Go ahead, pull the lever on that recliner and sit back, your loyal animals will be so thrilled to sit tight with you for a marathon of the gayest movies and TV episodes we could possibly conceive of to queue up on Turkey Day. But remember: A turkey comatose is real, so do yourself a favor and start this marathon in the morning. By nightfall, you’ll be filled to the brim, half-drunk and listening to your Uncle Danny repeat jokes you’ve heard every single year anyway.
Why it’s the gayest: It’s a parade. We love ’em. Thursday morning, at 9 a.m. to noon in all time zones, you can tune in for the annual Thanksgiving parade of all parades-Macy’s 88th, to be precise. As a kid, this was really important to me because, 1. floats, 2. suspended, giant-sized inflatable balloon things, and 3. watching people lip sync songs and wave at the crowd like they’re Princess Diana. You literally can’t go wrong.
Why you should tune in: It’s so hyper-sensationalized that you almost have to buy into it’s charms. What’s even gayer: the executive producer and creative director behind the big event are big ‘ol gays-Amy Kule and Bill Schermerhorn. They were featured in the 2012 OUT100. This year, Amy told Women’s Wear Daily that the parade’s first hour is all about Broadway while showing off her hot-pink coat she’ll be sporting. Case in point, there’s a lot of gayness behind the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, so go ahead and look high in the sky to the giant ass balloons, chances are our girl Kule had the final say in who made the cut.
Why it’s the gayest: Roseanne is one of the greatest television shows of all time. If Sara Gilbert‘s perfect coif of curls and ’90s grunge doesn’t do it for you, there’s knowing how queer-conscious this series was-in so many ways, it was trailblazing gay characters and dialogue about sexuality and gender way before all the shows we love and worship today came along. In real life, Barr has two queer siblings, so the subject hit home-and this episode took us places.
Why you should tune in: In its final season, the Conners strike rich when Roseanne wins the lotto, and their house looks WEIRD. She’s replaced the couch with some green suede number that has a “slant” to it. Dan is absent for the majority of the final season because Roseanne kicks him out for cheating. Roseanne’s mom Bev comes to her catered holiday dinner-along with basically everyone else, sans Dan. Leon and Scott announce they’re planning to adopt (the audience lightly laughs in the background-because it’s still the ’90s and two gay men together is apparently a real hoot) to which Bev begins ranting about the problem with gay adoption when she unintentionally blurts out that she’s a lesbian! Sara Gilbert is smirking in the background the entire time and Jackie is having a freak-out. “Have you acted on this? With who? When? How? No, don’t tell me! Pass the yams!” The real kicker: In the final episode of the series, we learn Roseanne just went kookoolabanza during those last few weeks and it was actually Jackie who’s a big ‘ol lesbian. Duh. Now bring back the couch. The whole episode is up at Logo TV.
Why it’s the gayest: It’s Ellen.
Why you should tune in: It’s Thanksgiving (and it’s an episode that happens 11 episodes before she announces, “I’m gay!”), Ellen halfheartedly agrees to go volunteer at one of the soup kitchens, in lieu of helping her annoying friend Audrey to go look for ceramic kitties at the Rose Bowl flea market. She meets a guy at the kitchen but doesn’t realize he’s homeless himself-he’s working the food line with her. Back at her place, Paige (Joely Fisher), who is dating Ellen’s cousin Spence (Jeremy Piven) is “prepping” a five-star take-out feast from the Four Seasons to impress Spence’s mom. And there’s, like, eight pies. After a really embarrassing array of foot-in-mouth around the dinner table, Ellen has to race down to the shelter to tell her friend she’s sorry for complaining about materialistic things, like a CD player in her car that holds ten CDs. There’s an adorable moment at the end involving nutmeg, too. Go on, just watch-it’s on YouTube.
Why it’s the gayest: Peppermint Patti is still wearing her Birkenstocks in the dead of November and she has an obvious intolerance to gluten. Someone teleport her to Portland, I think she’d fit in here.
Why you should tune in: Charlie Brown is a nostalgic pastime that takes you into the deep reveries of your childhood, on ice ponds, school playgrounds, drooling over your crush as they play the piano. Peppermint Patti invites herself to her good buddy Chuck’s Thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s far from smitten. Patti’s like, “Just save me a drumstick and the neck, you sly devil,” lest we forget she has the “hots” for Chuck and likes to flirt with him any chance she gets. When Patti and all the people she invited to Charlie’s big dinner show up, she’s enraged to find bread, pretzels, popcorn and candy as the Thanksgiving dinner. She flips the fuck out, only to quickly realize her bad and apologize to Chuck. Hey, girl can’t help it she doesn’t know how to act “outside of baseball.” A classic, kids. Watch it in full, here!
Why it’s the gayest: Christina Ricci dons her best all-black camp attire, sings campfire tunes, and smiles.
Why you should tune in: The Addams kids are sent away to summer camp, where they put on a play about the first Thanksgiving that goes perfectly. Yeah, sure, maybe that lake water is filled with piranhas or alligator, but nothing is scarier than what’s standing there on the dock, at under five feet and hungry for homicide, Wednesday Addams, white as the January snow. She tells Sarah Miller, basic blonde pilgrim that she can’t break bread with-and with that, the Native American kids in the play burn down the village set. Also, back home, there’s fucking Debbie. I love when Wednesday catches her damn wedding bouquet and refuses to be giddy about being next in some line for marriage. The only certificate she’s signing is death.
Why it’s the gayest: Because you have an older woman crush on Susan Sarandon and get to watch Jena Malone tell off a guy who doesn’t even know what snowblowing is.
Why you should tune in: During the Thanksgiving play at the kids’ school, Ben plays the part of the turkey (which gets shot), and Anna (Malone) plays Martha Washington. There’s this golden moment where Sarandon and Julia Roberts (Isabel the stepmom) are standing off-stage as the kids rush by and Roberts tells Sarandon that Anna just had a short-lived 6th grade romance/nasty public breakup with Brad Kovitsky, OMG. Sarandon is like, “Oh, that little shit.” A small child walks by at that moment, and she’s like, “Not you.” Then the middle school pilgrims shoot down her son, the turkey and the crowd cheers. I don’t get people who watch this around Christmas-the only thing I’d be able to unwrap is my tissue box. And anyway, this movie is all about being thankful-for your mothers, for starters.
Why it’s the gayest: Because there’s nothing gay about it at all, we’re in Texas.
Why you should tune in: Friday Night Lights is a pull-at-your-heartstrings type of show. I think I cried a steady stream of tears for the better half of the series. I was also deeply conflicted because I’m 100% lesbiana, but I really think Tim Riggins is the cat’s meow. On this Thanksgiving, the table is set for all at the Taylor house-and lovable Buddy Garrity makes a deep-fried turkey. Of course there’s a big game (but now Coach Taylor is working for the Lions, not the Panthers) and everyone’s out to get Tami at the school board meeting. (See also: Do not fuck with Tami Taylor.) Ya’ll, who can deny a good clean episode of FNL?
Why it’s the gayest: Julianna Margulies and Kyra Sedwick play lesbians going home to meet mom and dad for Thanksgiving. What’s bound to go wrong or get awkward?
Why you should tune in: Four diverse families have their own Thanksgivings-but at Ruth and Herb’s home (Sedwick’s fictional Jewish parents, with the most holiday-appropriate names) their daughter Rachel is bringing home her girlfriend Carla (Margulies) and Ruth and Herb are not totally down. (They set them up in twin-size beds in Rachel’s room, how cute.) This film will stir up way more than gravy-it poses questions about tradition versus change, how gender roles play out during the holidays, and the discomfort of having a big family dinner showcase your sexuality-like why aren’t you married and breeding yet, so says Aunt Bea?
Why it’s the gayest: Because gender roles stretch beyond the binary when Danny, Joey, and Jesse must make their first Thanksgiving dinner without Danny’s wife Pam, who’s recently passed away. And everyone dances in the kitchen to “Get Ready” by The Temptations and totally works it.
Why you should tune in: This episode did things to me as a kid-for one, it made me think deeply about the little things we take for granted. And it also made me cry, a lot. They burn the turkey to a nice charred black piece of nothing, smash the pumpkin pie, dance, sing, and listen to Joey trumpet, over and over, “The miracle (trumpet sounds) of Thanksgiving!” In the end, the Tanners manage to make it a memorable one-so memorable that it was the only Thanksgiving episode Full House ever made.
Happy Thanksgiving-you’ve earned this snuggly spot on the couch.
Of course, not everyone made the list. Share your favorites with me on Twitter @the_hoff and tell me all about your deep-fried turkeys, lesbian moms, Thanksgiving plays, and what you think snowblowing is. On second thought, let’s save that for Christmas.
