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“Top Chef: Boston” recap (12.7): Restaurant Wars

Previously on Top Chef: Boston, the chefs cooked Thanksgiving dinner for descendants of both the Wampanoag Tribe and the Plymouth colonists. Awkward. Also, Stacy was sent home, so I expect things will be a little (lot) less Boston this week.

This week: ZOMG RESTAURANT WARS. It’s going down, y’all. The chefs meet Padma in a “hotel” (that sort of looks like an abandoned warehouse), and she introduces them to the guest judge, Chef Barbara Lynch. We all know RW is coming, so there’s no beating around the bush. Padma announces the challenge with the appropriate level of excitement.

The chefs, in two teams of four, have to concept a restaurant, transform this weird hotel/warehouse space, decide on a menu, and serve 100 guests. In one day. HAH. If I was on Top Chef, I would 100% just fall on the ground, curl into a little ball, and whimper. This year, there are some special credit card VIP guests who, allegedly, have great taste and will try both team’s foods. Since when does being rich mean you have great taste? I call bullshit.

The chefs draw knives. Melissa and Katie get first and second choices, respectively. Melissa shocks me by choosing Doug first! Not to say Doug isn’t a great chef, but, in my mind, Melissa, Mei, and Gregory are besties and like to stay up late braiding each other’s Mei’s hair. What’s even real anymore? Katie, intelligently, snatches up Gregory. With her second pick, Melissa selects Mei. She does a cute little head wiggle/grin combo, so maybe there is hope for hair braiding? Please stop playing with my emotions, are you guys best friends or not?

Katie picks Katsuji and Melissa rounds out her team with Adam. She’s worried he might be a little too OCD/controlling, but I just keep thinking back to his lack of control over his team at that canon-blasting-Revolution War challenge. He didn’t really have any fucks to give, it seemed. We’ll see. That means Katie is left with Keriann, whose performance lately has been a bit worrisome.

The teams have to pick an executive chef (aka probably the person who will go home if that team loses) and a front of house person (aka someone who is a smooth-talker and can control a certain level of insanity). Adam is immediately chosen for FOH on Team Melissa, that sly bastard. Doug and Mei kind of dance around executive chef for a minute (“Oh I mean, if you want it, you should do it!” “Well, it seems like you might want it more?”), but it’s ultimately decided that Doug will captain the ship.

Over on Team Katie, the boys (Katsuji and Gregory) ply Keriann with compliments so she will be the FOH person. Gregory suggests that Katie be the executive chef, which she accepts. This is very, very surprising, because Gregory has not shied away from leadership before. Probably he has also seen Top Chef before and knows that the E.C. is the one to usually go home-perhaps he’s not feeling too confident about his team?

Katsuji talks some shit about Katie, but, you know what buddy? I didn’t see you stepping up to be the executive chef, so maybe you should shut up and support her. Katie’s had her down moments, but she’s also made some really (weird) good food.

Over on Team Melissa, chef Doug proposes that their restaurant be family style. The other chefs seem into it, except Adam who feels he doesn’t have enough experience with that style of service. Sorry Adam, they gon’ do it anyway. All the chefs on Team Katie cook with different international influences, so Gregory suggests a global menu. Katsuji wonders if that’s going to be cohesive enough, and I have to say I agree with him.

The teams go to pick out their decor and everyone thinks Katsuji has bad taste. Meanwhile, Melissa finds four little pigs, thus naming their restaurant “Four Pigs.” She also makes some adorable snorting noises, so. They keep shopping and Adam is sort of freaking out. He keeps barking out numbers and running around the store, while the rest of the team just kind of watches like, “You OK, bro?”

Next, each team splits up to get food-half going to Restaurant Depot and half to Whole Foods. There is no pork shoulder at Whole Foods, so Doug ends up getting pork at the Depot. He also thinks it’s odd that Gregory isn’t the executive chef for his team, but he’s not mad about it because he thinks Katie seems weak.

The chefs get back to the kitchen to prep. Team Katie’s restaurant is called “Magellan” after the explorer, because he was searching the world for spices. Or something. It’s cute, but I’m still not sold on the global menu as a concept. So far, I’ve heard that they’re making beets, pork with hoisin, crab, hamachi, salsa, and crepes. IDK, y’all. Katsuji messes with Doug about being the executive chef a bit, and it’s kind of adorable.

Doug is making pork that’s stewing in PBR, which Adam calls out as being “Portland Hipster.” He’s not wrong, but have you looked at yourself man? Pot, Kettle, and all that. The rest of their menu sounds really delicious-scallops and brussel sprouts and some kind of berry dessert, among other things.

Keriann is making her crepes ahead of time, which I just don’t get. I totally understand that as FOH you want your dish to be idiot-proof for your team to execute, but this is taking it a little far. Pre-made crepes sound pretty gross. Katsuji’s like, “Welp, I could definitely make those to order for her tomorrow, but I’m not going to offer. Fuck bitches, get money.” It’s actually kind of refreshing to hear someone on Top Chef be honest and admit that they only care about themselves. Usually, they’re all squirrely, like, “Oh, was she making her crepes ahead of time? Heavens, I didn’t see. I would’ve offered, but-well, you know, she could’ve asked.”

Morning of the WAR (please read the word WAR in a really aggressive, dramatic voice), the chefs are having last minute chats. Let’s take a moment and appreciate Melissa’s bandana/headband thing (and also the look on Doug’s face):

The chefs arrive and start prepping. Keriann works with the waitstaff to get their space ready, and it seems to be going smoothly. On the other side, Adam is running around and putting clamshells in the dishwasher to make sure his dish is ready. When he gets down to work with his service team, he commands them like a general, and lets them know exactly how many seconds away the kitchen is (27, if you were wondering).

Mei and Melissa are working together in the kitchen-something about frozen butter and flaky biscuits, I think-but I had trouble listening because SQUEEEE MAYBE THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS?! Mei even calls Melissa her homie (aww), and hopes it’s the two of them at the end. ME TOO, MEI. ME TOO. (Sorry, Gregory.)

Doug interrupts Adam right in the middle of his riveting description of ramp/shallot paste (not even making that up) to let him know that they can’t find his clamshells. DRAMA. They must’ve been thrown away-total bummer. Adam keeps looking around the kitchen for a bit, just hoping that they will magically apparate in front of him. This isn’t the Hogwarts kitchen, though, so Doug gets him to move on and clean some more clams.

Meanwhile, it turns out maybe things did not go as smoothly as I thought with Keriann and Team Magellan’s waitstaff, because no one seems to know what the fuck they’re supposed to do.

The diners start to arrive and, lo and behold, chefs Kristen (Kish) and Stephanie (Cmar) are part of the super special credit card VIP group! I take back whatever I said about them before, they’re obviously wonderful, beautiful, intelligent people.

Padma gets feisty with the host at Four Pigs. Girl, I’ll get you a table anywhere. The judges are served their first course and, overall, seem to be happy with Adam’s clam and Mei’s chicken liver toast. If you were wondering about the salt level, don’t worry! Chef Tom tells us that it’s seasoned “right up to the edge.” You can always count on good ole Tom for some salt real talk.

Service is not going very well on the Magellan side. The servers seem to have no idea which table is which, and some tables are getting duplicate orders. Things are also getting hectic for them in the kitchen, and there’s no cohesive connection between back and front of house. Shit is fucked, basically.

Adam is killing it at Four Pigs-the judges even comment on how happy everyone looks. They’re served the entrees: Doug’s pork and beans, Melissa’s scallop with radish salad, and Mei’s brussel sprouts. The Brussel sprouts are a little too acidic. They love Doug’s pork, and he’s doing an awesome job expediting. They like the scallop, but some people find it too salty.

The two teams could not be more different in terms of service. The chefs on Team Four Pigs are communicating well and things in the kitchen are running smoothly. Team Magellan, however, is struggling hard. Katie seems to be trying to set things right, but everyone else is just kind of plodding through.

The judges arrive at Magellan and things just keep getting worse. Tables are waiting for their food for way too long and the judges are about to seat themselves when Keriann finally gets over to them. Keriann’s dessert is also a shitshow. Both her crepes and the filling did not hold up well overnight, so Katie feels like she needs to step in and fix it.

The judges notice that Keriann is nowhere to be found and, also, it looks like a lot of tables don’t have any food. They’re not happy with Magellan so far. Keriann serves them the first course, Katie’s beets, as well as two of Katsuji’s dishes: hamachi and pozole. Katie’s beets are decent, but the judges thought they looked better than they tasted. Katsuji’s dishes are both okay. Gregory’s fish is pretty good, but Tom thinks there is too much going on. However, they all really like Gregory’s pork.

Team Four Pigs finishes service! They love each other!

Keriann’s dessert comes out and she’s pissed off because it’s hot. Tom compares it to a hockey puck. Keriann comes back and she’s real mad, but Katsuji just keeps saying that it “wasn’t his decision.”

Team Four Pigs gets called before the judges and, I mean, OBVIOUSLY they won. The judges are very complimentary and smiley. Team Magellan comes before the judges and they take some hits. The service was terrible, the concept was disjointed, Keriann was nowhere to be found, and the food was pretty much kind of meh. The judges wonder why Keriann didn’t notice her dessert was fucked up before they were served. Basically, at this point, I’m like 90% sure it’s got to be Keriann going home.

Team Four Pigs wins! Duh! Doug takes home the win, but the judges think the entire team should feel very proud of themselves.

Over on Team Magellan, it’s coming down to Katie and Keriann. Katie made an OK dish, but they don’t think she ran the kitchen well and they don’t know why she didn’t consult Keriann about her dish. Keriann didn’t train her waitstaff well, was absent during service, and made a crappy dessert.

Keriann’s going home. She has some sads.

Next week on Top Chef: PADMA IN OVERALLS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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