“The Fosters” recap (2.11): It’s a Wonderful Wife

Previously on The Fosters, Stef’s dad passed away and she had a lot of mixed feelings about it. Callie got stalked by her birth father, Jack McPhee, convinced him to sign away his parental rights, only to have her half sister tear up the papers. When Callie asked him to put his old John Hancock on some new papers he said no because Callie’s life hasn’t been filled with enough drama on this show. To make matters worse, Callie decided that the best way to keep Brallie shippers watching this show deal with her heartbreak was to kiss Brandon.

We begin with Callie and Brandon sucking each other’s faces off until Brandon stops and says, “I have to think about this.” Callie says she loves him and he runs away to stare at the house next door and process his feelings like a kid raised by a couple of lesbos. The house (which is laughably small to be the neighbor to the Quinn’s castle) has the remnants of Christmas decorations and Brandon has a flashback to last Christmas (the timeline of this show remains inexplicable. Stef and Lena got married in June but they all told the Quinns that Callie had been with them for six months. I don’t know. You have to be a Time Lord to figure out all the jumping).

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Last Christmas, Brandon is hanging a green ornament on the tree that is supposed to be the Grinch. Callie asks if he was blindfolded when he made it. Excellent sibling burn Callie. More of that, less sucking face. Praise be to the television gods, Annie Potts is back and she’s as sassy as ever. Mariana is cooing over her “baby’s first Christmas ornament,” which prompts the moms to give Jude and Callie their very own first lesbian Christmas ornaments, too. Jesus comes in complaining that he needs more decorations if he is going to win the ugliest house competition. Stef nixes more money and Lena tells him to use his imagination. Jesus doesn’t have an imagination, a fact Mariana backs up by letting everyone know he got her a vibrating toothbrush last year. Brandon wants to know if it was a) really a toothbrush, and b) whether it was maybe a present from Stef to Lena?

Sharon says the tree is missing presents and that Secret Santa is boring. Stef reminds everyone that they have a billion kids and not a ton of money so Christmas is about love and togetherness. Sharon has another plan.

In walks an overly nice lady with a present for Callie. She hopes Callie has a nice Christmas and that she finds a forever family soon. Callie rolls her eyes and is all “as soon as the writers find another way to torture the audience.” While everyone takes the empty boxes to the garage, Jude hangs an ornament with a picture of Lena and some dude we’ve never seen before.

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Sharon chit chats with Stef about Jude finding out that he and Callie are half siblings before scurrying off to get the haul of presents she ordered from the UPS truck. Stef wishes her mom wouldn’t go overboard at Christmas and Lena tells Stef just to be grateful her mom is there. Poor Dana got hit by a van. Wait, wrong show. Dana is spending Christmas Out of Town and Lena refuses to call as long as she’s with “him.” Stef shares her sympathy and then wants to know how long she has to keep her dad’s bank statements. She won’t mind keeping them for a little longer once she discovers that old Frank had one hundred fifty grand stashed away. Lena wonders who he would have left the cash to if not to Stef? Stef has a hunch. Her hunch is standing in the living room surrounded by presents.

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Callie, Jude, and Brandon are doing some last minute shopping in a antique store because they need to stay under the limit for their Secret Santa gifts. Brandon asks her if a leather cuff is her style and Callie says no (thus killing the dreams of Callie/Daphne shippers). Her taste is more the hundred dollar silver bracelet. Jude inspects the bracelet while Brandon tells Callie he would buy her a table since that’s the thing she wanted for her independent living apartment. She thinks maybe a couch would be better but Brandon reminds her of how comfy the floor was when he was serenading her about being an outlaw and making out on it. Ick.

Back at home Stef is busy interrogating her mother. She can’t understand why Frank would leave a wad of cash to a lady he was no longer married to. Stef gets all wound up and Sharon finally tells her to button it before someone’s feeling get hurt.

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