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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.14): Little Pianists, Slutty Elves, and Santa Boxers

Hey Liars! Welcome to a very special Rosewood Christmas, where lesbians scamper through the snow in white tank tops and reindeer wear masks of other reindeer on their faces!

When we last saw the liars, Spencer had been arrested for murder, Toby finished police academy in five days and immediately broke his leg like he’s some sort of Quinn Fabray, and worst of all, our beloved Mona was murdered by A.

We open with the Liars walking down the snowy streets and looking at window displays. Spencer tells the gang that she and Toby are exchanging gestures instead of gifts this year, on account of the whole “out on bail” sitch. Hanna is also in a bah humbug mood, as she had promised Mona they would be best friends forever and definitely not get murdered. We then get a flashback to their BFF glory days, where Mona wishes to lock Hanna in her pocket and Hannah wishes for Jimmy Choos. Mona is all, “it’s okay boo, we’ll just steal them” and they laugh like the petty criminals they are. Those were the days.

Sidebar: did anyone else spot the menorah-mobile on the street?

The Liars talk about Ali’s upcoming Christmas charity ice ball and how they would rather dance on dead monkeys than show up. A fancy pants lawyer shows up and gives Hanna an envelope. Turns out that Mona made a will (because of course she did) and left a map to all of Ali’s hidey-holes. If the girls can find evidence that Ali killed Bethany, then maybe they can keep Spencer out of prison.

Then, Aria gives a passing Santa a donation and he gives her a snow globe with the Liars faces on it. HOW DID “A” KNOW ARIA WOULD TIP SANTA? The globe tells them that “A” takes a holiday, which is bullshit because omnipresent beings don’t need holidays.

Over at the DiLaurentis house, Ali is visited by the ghost of her mother, who Jacob Marley’s the crap out of her. Looks like Ali is getting her own Scrooge story! Ali flashes back to her childhood, and guess who’s there? Ghost Mona! She looks fabulous, like a goth version of Elsa from Frozen.

In the flashback, we see a young Ali playing the piano and finding two presents inside. Momma DiLaurentis sees this and promptly loses her shit, telling Ali that she has to lie about the second present or her father will leave them. Seems reasonable.

She makes Ali practice her lie, and it’s basically an origin story of lying. But if Mrs. DiLaurentis was so concerned about anyone finding the second present, then why did she hide it with the first? I’m guessing the copy present is for Bethany, who is maybe Ali’s twin/identical cousin/basement monster.

Over at the Hastings house, Toby is laid up with a broken leg and a camera, in an homage to Hitchcock’s Rear Window. He’ll be on lookout while Spencer raids Ali’s house for evidence during the ice ball. More importantly, Spencer wears a sexy santa outfit, which is a gift for all of us.

Speaking of sexy Christmas outfits, Hanna is dressed as a slutty elf in church and gives presents to deaf children. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. She and Caleb watch some baby liars get bossed around by a baby Ali. Hanna tries to drop some hard truth on the kids but even they know not to listen to an elf from the wrong side of the tracks.

Cut to an old folks home, where Paige and Emily are singing carols and holding hands, and Aria and Ezra are passing out cookies, presumably because they ate all the cake. Swim Team Sydney shows up to make amends with Emily, but she is having none of it. Emily and Paige kiss under the mistletoe, and it’s adorable.

Later that night, the Liars show up at the ice ball, and everyone looks ridiculously gorgeous. Also, snaps to Paige for the killer white suit. Alison makes her grand entrance with a posse of moon-masked acolytes. Is this a masked ball, because they seem to be the only ones in costume. JK, every Rosewood party is masks-optional. Why do you think the year-round costume shop is so successful? Speaking of costumes, there’s someone skulking about in a winter white hoodie.

Spencer and Hanna leave the party to go ransack Ali’s house for evidence. Aria spies Ali kissing Santa Claus and tells Emily, whose first question is whether Santa was a boy or a girl. Aria assures her it was a boy, because she is equipped with man ass radar. Turns out that Sexy Santa is none other than Officer Holbrook, who seems to be following in the grand Rosewood PD tradition of hooking up with underage girls and covering up their misdemeanors.

Meanwhile, Ali wanders off into the winter labyrinth (seriously, how big is this party? there are literally acres of decorations) and meets with White Hoodie, aka Cece. Cece flew into town to comfort Ali for her first mom-less Christmas, which is pretty nice considering she’s a fugitive from justice. She also made her a personalized perfume? I bet it smells like hairspray, fear and grave dirt.

Emily discovers that two of the moon-faced posse are in fact Sydney and Jenna, who are playing the “keep your enemies closer” game with Alison. We also find out that Sydney is straight, but I’m dubious. No one stays immune to the seductive powers of Jenna Marshall. Remember that Halloween flashback when she eye-banged Pocahontas Emily? I’m pretty sure that was Em’s root.

Over at Ali’s house, Hanna and Spencer start going through every hiding spot on Mona’s map. Toby watches them from the window, ready to call if someone shows up. Hanna finds a passport inside the bird cage…was anyone else hoping the passport photo would be Tippi? Turns out Ali has a Holly Golightly alias at the ready if she needs to leave town.

Emily and Aria follow Cece and Ali, but when they confront them, the girls are wearing Ali masks! Turns out it’s the nerdy twins who Ali has given makeovers. Poor Emily looks so confused, you guys.

Back at the DiLaurentis house, Hanna opens a trunk and finds Ali’s archery award (Ali would win the shit out of some Hunger Games). Spencer is upstairs hiding behind a couch because “A” is prowling around with a knife! She tries to warn Hanna, but Hanna left her phone on the couch. Dammit Hanna, that’s a season one move! Get your head in the game! Spencer breaks a photo and Mrs. DiLaurentis and takes a glass shard as a weapon. Maybe Santa could get the Liars some mace and tasers for Christmas.

Hanna continues her basement search, which plays like a “best of Nancy Drew” investigation. She cuts open a canvas, finds a jack-in-the-box (sadly not the kind with jalapeno poppers) and it leads her to a massive stack of hat boxes filled with letters from Bethany. Hanna stashes a letter in her boob for safekeeping, before “A” jumps out from behind a door and scares the shit out of us.

If you’re wondering what Toby is doing, he’s flashing lights at the house and being useless.

Spencer finds a knocked-out Hannah and helps her escape, while “A” is hiding in a literal wall of creepy masks. You know, that creepy mask wall we all have in our basements. The DiLaurentis house is basically the haunted mansion from Disneyland, you guys.

The Liars reconvene at Spencer’s house and celebrate the letter from Bethany that may exonerate Spencer. Ali is visited by Ghost Mona, who sings her Christmas carols. She also shows her a future of her own funeral. Ali sees herself in a white coffin, and Mona mentions that they never found her legs. She mentions it so nonchalantly I had to rewind the scene twice to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating it. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ALI’S LEGS I’M SO SCARED AND CONFUSED. Her mom shows up at the casket and basically tells Ali she is going to hell. Ali starts banging on the church doors and screaming, before she is woken up by Ghost Mona.

It’s finally Christmas morning, and due to a blizzard/lack of parents, the Liars and their lovers are all celebrating at Spencer’s house. All the boyfriends dance down the staircase in Santa boxers, with Paige in boxers and a tank top. This might be the gayest Christmas ever.

Ezra cooks a Christmas goose molded entirely from chickpeas and everyone laughs and eats and celebrates not dying another day. A lonely Ali watches through the window like a sad Scrooge.

Paige tells Emily that her parents think Rosewood isn’t safe, which makes them the most attentive parents in the whole town. They want her to move to California ASAP, which breaks poor Emily’s heart. Don’t go Paige! Who needs parents in Rosewood? Literally no one.

They are interrupted by noises on the roof, and the Liars go outside to see a huge it up Christmas tree on the lawn, followed by a string of lights spelling out “Merry Christmas, Bitches, A.” It’s a Christmas miracle!

See you A-holes in January, and may your stockings be filled with chickpeas and vaguely threatening snow globes!

A huge thank you to Nicole, @PLLbigA who pulled all these amazing screencaps. If you love PLL, then you need to follow her on Twitter because she’s got all the good stuff.

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