Unpopular opinion: Dandy Mott is this season’s greatest triumph and Elsa Mars is its greatest disappointment. Prior to this episode I would have said that Twisty and the Twins held the top and bottom honors, respectively, but Twisty’s reign of terror was short-lived, whereas Dandy has evolved into a well-articulated, cohesive villain. And before to this week, the Twins were essentially a missed opportunity, with two equally tepid personalities. But this week showed them come into their own, and the writing finally let Sarah Paulson stretch her wings (if not her neck). Elsa, meanwhile, has remained a fame-obsessed, sloppily drawn caricature, and even Jessica Lange‘s presence reminds me of a family’s fine china: a relic they are proud to possess but too afraid of breaking to actually use.
This week, Dandy arrives at the conclusion that as a rich, handsome, white man, he can get away with literally anything. Every door is opened to him. Everyone treats him with trust and respect the second they see his wallet and/or cravat. And Dandy is an expert on using the patriarchy to his advantage. As mad as Dandy is, you’ll notice he only targets victims who fall below him on the social ladder: homosexuals, freaks, women, and people of color. Given our current headlines, I can’t think of a more perfect time to explore the horrific limits of that kind of power. Best of all, his entitlement and coddled upbringing him give him a childish sincerity that is always compelling, and stops just short of being endearing. Case in point: the episode opens with Dandy, paranoid that his exploits are finally catching up to him, going to Esmeralda the Fortune Teller.
Essy reassures him that his whiteness and facial symmetry will protect him from all repercussions, which comes as quite a relief, because Dandy has been on a hell of a murder spree lately. (“Spree” has always seemed like such an exuberant word to pair up with “murder,” but in Dandy’s case it seems appropriate.) His most recent victim was the Avon lady, whose head he used to make a Dot and Bette tribute puppet.
Outside Esmeralda’s tent, Jimmy Darling is neck deep in a bender and in Ima, the new Fat Lady. When he sees Dandy, he confronts him about the still-missing twins and Dandy’s murderous ways. Dandy solemnly informs Jimmy that he must destroy him, and looks at him like a cat already mourning a mouse it suspects will die too quickly. Still drunk, Jimmy next totters to his day job of getting housewives off with his lobster claws. Unfortunately, he’s got a bad case of whiskey fingers and can’t even manage to get that right. The minute he stumbles off, Dandy strolls up to the door doing his best matinee idol, and is welcomed in by the ladies, whose ovaries are seriously blue and would probably let in Twisty as long as he had a boner. Dandy massacres them all, collects a little blood, and returns home for his daily bath. Before he can take the plunge, Gabourey Sidibe marches in.
Gabourey: NO MORE MISS NICE GIRL, DANDY. GIVE ME MY MOTHER AND GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF FLORIDA.
Dandy: Oh, I killed your mother.
Gabourey: Is…is that her blood all over your stuffed animals?
Dandy: No, silly. That’s my mother. Might be a little Avon lady mixed in too.
Gabourey: I’m going to the police.
Dandy: LOL good luck with that.
True to her word, Gabourey next shows up with a bona fide officer of the law in tow.
Right away, you know this cop is a dick when he doubts Gabourey’s story, and his eyes widen even further when Dandy tells of his vast fortune. He offers the cop a million dollars cash to get rid of Gabourey, and without hesitating, Officer Dickhead blows a hole in her head. Which: what a fucking waste of a fine actor. Now that he has the law on his side, Dandy moves to destroy Jimmy for robbing him of the twins.
And where have the twins been hiding? It turns out that Ethel had them stashed at a seedy motel, the address of which she thoughtfully left in her tent for Elsa and Stanley to find. The nefarious pair quickly snatch up Bette and Dot and take them to Stanley’s murder shed, where Stanley promises to deliver the same doctor who separated the Brody twins. (This is all, bullshit, of course. The “doctor” is the same hooker who he had dressed up like a Viking for the Halloween episode.) The twins are like “But didn’t one of the Brody twins die?” And Stanley is like “Yeah, but you guys will be fine! You get an arm and a leg apiece, and I guess you can flip a coin for the vagina.” (JK NO ONE SAYS VAGINA ON TELEVISION.) Dot, as ever, is willing to sacrifice everything for a chance at freedom, but Bette is not so cavalier. She says she doesn’t believe for a minute that both their lives can be saved, so if one of them has to die, she’s cool if it’s her. Dot is so moved by her sister’s compassion that she changes her mind about the surgery.
In other news, Del gets down on Stanley’s freakishly large penis and feels so bad afterwards that he tries to kill himself, but can’t because his neck is literally too thick for a strangulation-based suicide. Desiree cuts him down but it doesn’t seem to bring them much closer. Desiree is being courted by none other than Theo Huxtable, in a case of truly eerie timing.
At the episode’s close, Bette and Dot manage to break away from Stanley (who is busy being evil), and Elsa (who is busy being stoned), and make their way to Jimmy’s van. (In case you’ve forgotten, Jimmy has spent the last two weeks stinking drunk, attempting to mount every stationary object like a blind Golden Retriever.) He perks a little when he sees the Twins sitting on his bunk.
Jimmy: What are you two doing here?Dot: We’ve worked out an arrangement. I’ve agreed not to cut us in half and Dot has agreed that you can be our husband.
Jimmy: Your what now?
Bette: It’s totally cool; I’ll just close my eyes and think of Lana Turner when you two are doing it.
Dot: Yeah, there will still be a lot less to work with than Ima.
Jimmy is moved by their sincerity and shoulders, but it just wakes him up to the fact that he should really sober up and get back together with Emma Roberts. He gently rejects them and they graciously walk away. I’m grateful for that, by they way. They could have gone the “hell hath no fury” route and undone all the good character building work they did this week with the Twins. Jimmy takes whatever is left of his litter and vows to get his life back on track, but it’s a little too late. The cop in Dandy’s pocket drives up and arrests Jimmy for the Tupperware Party Massacre.
NEXT WEEK! Desiree becomes suspicious of Esmeralda and Stanley and Stanley’s creepy fucking mustache.
