“Once Upon a Time” recap (4.12): Love is an Open Portal

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Elsa came to town looking for Anna, the Snow Queen wreaked havoc trying to force Emma and Elsa to be her sisters to replace the ones she lost, and Rumple took control of Hook, making him slightly more deviant than he already was, and Regina was in search of her happy ending.

Now that the Snow Queen is dead and gone, Elsa easily takes down the ice wall. Anna is about to skip right out of town, but Emma stops her. Because of the myriad of curses constantly being put upon it, the town line is 1000% done with everyone and has decided that if you’re going to leave Storybrooke, you can never come back. Elsa points out that they are in a different realm from Arendelle anyway, so it’s not like they could ride a magic ice wave there anyway. Emma says they need to have a portal, but Elsa’s in no rush; she kinda likes this quirky little town with no clothing shops, and she’s still exploring these weird butterfly feelings she gets whenever Emma takes her hand. Anna and Kristoff wring their hands and realize they forgot to tell the Queen of Arendelle that she’s technically not currently queen because Hans sort of kind of took over. Elsa changes her tune and will explore her sexuality back in Arendelle.

OUAT 412-1 Is there an OkCupid for queens?

Back at Gold’s shop, Hook gets the information about the town line literally squeezed out of him. Gold doesn’t want Anna realizing who he is, so he forces Hook to make sure Anna doesn’t go anywhere near Gold’s shop. Gold is so close to giving Belle the life she always wanted, he can practically taste in on his probably-forked tongue.

Flash back to Belle poking around Rumpelstiltskin’s castle. She starts to pick up a sword when Rumple appears, saying it seems she’s learned nothing from the whole West Wing incident. She tells him he’s a waste of a magic traveler, because all she wants is to travel and she’s trapped in a castle, and he doesn’t so much as share his stories with her. He tries to be intimidating but she laughs and points out that a) if he was going to kill her, he would have by now and b) he’s literally sparkly. Rumple hands Belle his newest trinket, a gauntlet, and tells her that it’s used to find a person’s weakness, which is generally whatever they love the most. She asks why the all-powerful Rumpelstiltskin needs anything besides his powers, and he says even the experts like a cheat code now and then.

In present-day Storybrooke, Regina returns Marian’s heart to her and Robin hugs her like he hadn’t had sex with Regina like one room away very recently. Regina goes to Granny’s to mope about it, but Marian finds her and thanks her for saving her life…again. Marian may have spent half of the season so far as a human popsicle, but her being frozen didn’t affect her vision, and she knows Robin and Regina are in love. Marian isn’t interested in being someone’s obligation, and really doesn’t want to deal with Robin’s pouty face for the rest of her life, so she says she’ll step out of Regina’s way if it will make Robin happy.

OUAT 412-2 “I have a feeling I won’t make it past the winter finale character cleanse anyway…”

Across town, Gold and Hook follow a broom to the Sorcerer’s house, knowing a portal is nearby. And sure enough, the broom waves his little stick arms around a bit, and a door appears in the middle of the room.

Belle is in the shop packing her bag for her trip to NYC with Gold when Henry comes in, calling her Grandma, and warning her about the curse on the town line. Belle is sure Gold has thought of a solution to that already, otherwise he would have mentioned it. Henry shows her the Storybrooke Storybook and Belle tells him not to worry about Regina, because she’s on a better path. She’ll realize Emma is her happy ending aaaany day now. Henry helps Grandma Belle look for a second suitcase while telling her all about the NY Public Library when he knocks over a pile of stuff. Belle sees the gauntlet in the pile and has a PTSD flashback.

In this flashback, Belle is out back begrudgingly doing Rumple’s laundry when an adorable dalmatian puppy comes along. Understandably, she follows the puppy (who is probably named Lucky…or maybe just Bait) into the forest…

OUAT 412-3Not-So-Evil Cleavage

 …and is kidnapped. My mother always says that no amount of Very Special Episodes of anything would ever keep me from following even the sketchiest of men into the sketchiest of vans if they said they needed help finding a puppy (like, even now that I’m 27, is still convinced that I will one day be abducted this way) so you better believe if someone used an actual real life adorable puppy as bait, I too would be screwed.