TV

“Lost Girl” recap (5.2): I ain’t afraid of no ghosts

Previously on Lost Girl: Bo is in Valhalla, Kenzi is in a wedding dress, Tamsin is in The Shining and Lauren and Dyson are in a lesbromance. And now everyone is back except Bo, who is on an elevator to Hell—literally.

So Kenzi’s soul has been returned to her body. The only problem being Kenzi’s body is in her coffin. I’d like to note that this is some excellent Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 6 cosplay by Lost Girl so far. Though Kenzi’s dress would have been black and she would be clawing her way out of her own grave instead of using up her oxygen by screaming—but otherwise, spot on.

Kenzi is indeed screaming and panicking and lighting matches and other activities that are not prudent given the limited air capacity inside her snug digs. But, luckily for little Ms. Heavy Breather, the cavalry arrives in the form of Lauren and Dyson who have figured out where she is.

Next thing we know, Lauren and Dyson are wheeling Kenzi into Lauren’s new, very sophisticated medical center which has not been properly explained yet. She is thankful for the shoveling (and hand shoveling) by her rescuers and even praises Lauren’s “stuck-up mug.” Aw, remember when those two disliked each other? The old days.

Lauren finds a shard of some pottery on her person and frowns. I do too because I had to rewind the scene twice to see what the hell it was. The unexplained object shall remain unexplained for now but fear not, it has Plot Point written all over it. While the gang exchanges pleasantries, Lauren casually compares Dyson to a schnauzer. Aw, remember when those two disliked each other? The old days.

Once she finally catches her breath, Kenzi tells them how Bo traded herself for her. But to who indeed? The elevator to Hell opens with a ding and Bo enters the dark. For some reason there is a small bouquet of (maybe fake) flowers on the ground next to a (definitely dry) fountain. Do I need to get out my dream analysis textbook?

Back in a better lit, though also somewhat mysterious place, Lauren is giving Kenzi a checkup to make sure she is still the Kenziest Kenzi. After quickly complaining about the inadequate help (read: new nurse), Lauren comes at Kenzi with what can only be described as an elegant dildo. Fine, it’s a tongue depressor. But you can see why the lady might have concerns.

Kenzi is shaking, and asks Lauren for the prescription Vodka we all wish we had right now. Luckily, Dr. Hotpants knows exactly what to keep around the office for medicinal purposes, and pulls a bottle out of the fridge. And they share a drink out of beakers because sometimes this show is the cutest.

Lauren tells Kenzi how single-minded Bo was in pursuit of the Hell Shoes. Gosh, wish we’d gotten to see some of that single-mindedness instead of a trip to the cuckoo’s nest.

Kenzi assures her she knows Bo will be fine and it’s like she is “right here beside us.” As if on cue another beaker falls off a counter on its own and then a mysterious hand writes “H-E-L-P” on a glass pane. Welcome to Subplot B: Lost Ghost.

In Subplot C, Dyson is waiting at the gates to Valhalla when Mean Valkyrie Stacey emerges. She’s on a mission to get another soul, one close to Bo’s heart, to balance the books up in the Big V. Hey, you call heaven what you want, I’ll call it what I wish it was.

Dyson turns on the wolf charm and pretends to know someone perfect to fit Stacey’s soul bill. I say pretends with full confidence here because although we’re supposed to be fooled into thinking Dyson means to turn on Lauren here, we all know those two are tight now. Lesbros before Valkyrie ho-pe you didn’t think I was going to use a derogatory term for sexually active women there. Feminism, yo.

Back in Hell, Bo is still fumbling around in the dark. For some reason she keeps thinking Kenzi is there. I guess she didn’t trust Frejya’s promise. We hear sobbing, and then someone asking for Bo’s help by name. But then there’s weird creepy laughing and tormenting voices. What, you were expecting Hell to be all cotton candy and unicorn rides?

Just then something takes a bite out of Bo, again, quite literally. The tormenter reveals herself to be a goblin. She says Bo has just been “bitch snacked,” which would be kind of clever if I understood what a goblin was doing trying to eat Bo in the first place. Perhaps I just don’t understand underworld etiquette. Perhaps this is just how everyone greets each other down here. Also, is it called Tartarus because it has a terrible dental plan?

Then a blue bird (yes, a blue bird) flies up and all of a sudden she is a woman and I’m even more confused but at least now the goblin is gone. Well, the goblin is gone after Bo kicks it in the lady jewels. That’s what you get for using Lauren’s voice against her.

The former bird lady helps Bo after she conquers the maze we didn’t even know she was in. But she keeps saying “he” cannot know she is helping. They’re now wandering through what looks like the abandoned Valhalla lobby.

Back at Bo’s pad, Kenzi is looking over what appears to be an impressive wig-making operation. Trick walks in and welcomes her, but really he’s there to inquire about the ghost. He has brought a tricked out (see what I did there?) Ouija board for them to conjure what Kenzi is sure is Bo’s spirit. But he warns them it could be Ghost Dad or Ghost Swazye trying to fool them. That ominous warning clearly means we have not seen the last of Subplot B: Lost Ghost.

Bird lady is trying to help our injured succubus with her wound, but Bo-Bo knows there’s really only one way to properly handle a boo-boo. So she grabs a little snack, but then decides when in Hell, why not fornicate? I mean, if it’s one of the sins that is supposed to put you there in the first place, it almost seems rude not to continue once there.

So, this is where things get…weird. Partly it’s weird in a good way, because ladies are making out and simulating making out. But also partly weird because this is a deeply weird sequence.

Next we see Lauren in one of Bo’s skimpy kimonos fresh off a bath about to curl up in Bo’s bed. Then we cut back to Bo, making time with bird lady. The great thing about this show is no matter the world-ending imminent peril, there’s always time for nookie.

But then the really weird starts. Where Bo touches bird lady, Lauren feels something. Her caresses and, um, other stuff, seem to mirror themselves on Lauren. Lauren, who is alone in bed wearing only a silky robe and other unmentionables. But she’s not alone because something, someone, is making things considerably steamy. Like slow motion lip-biting, head-throwing steamy. I’d think it was really hot if it also didn’t make me really uncomfortable.

Kenzi interrupts the phantom sex with news of the Ouija board. A flustered Lauren tells her she is sure the spirit is Bo. How sure? I just totally got freaky with a ghost sure.

Call me old-fashioned, but what’s wrong with clearly defined consensual corporeal copulation?

Over in Hell, Bo is feeling like heaven after making time with bird lady. She of the flowy white dress tells Bo the key to Tartarus is knowing what and what not to eat. Bo remembers this myth, even though bird girl didn’t mention a myth. And extrapolates that she must be the girl who ate the pomegranate seeds.

So, yeah, bird lady explains she is Persephone, the wife of Hades. Which makes her Bo’s stepmom. Oops. This is going to make all future family reunions so awkward.

This sends Bo into an understandable rage. But instead of wanting to avoid all future familial entanglements, she goes searching for her father even harder. Persephone tells Bo her daddy is mad, and Bo’s like, back at you pops.

At the Dal, Dyson and Stacey are drinking brewskies and providing needed exposition. Everyone is happy now that the Una Mens are gone and the Morrigan is no longer in charge. Really, I rather miss Evony. The Dal has become a hotbed of democraFAEcy (groan) and probably many, many Light/Dark hookups (other kind of groan).

Dyson is stalling, trying to distract Stacey from finding a soul close to Bo’s heart. So he coughs up Vex, the last of the Mesmers, as Bo’s one true love. And then Stacey kisses him for verification, or more likely because it’s written into the actors contracts that everyone kisses everyone else.

Thankfully, Tamsin arrives. After some requisite name-calling with Stacey, she tells Dyson about how she was sleeper agented back on her mission to deliver Bo to daddy dearest. While Dyson is scolding Tamsin, Stacey goes and steals his phone. The phone Lauren just called. I know we’re supposed to be worried for Lauren’s life, but I’m still hung up on her Casper the Rapey Ghost moment.

Bo is still opening up doors to nowhere in Hell, but finally finds one with something interesting inside. Well, sort of interesting depending on your level of maternal instincts. It’s a child’s room complete with rocking horse, rocking chair and non-rocking cradle. Bo flashes back to the end of Season 3 and The Dawning Yawning. It’s where she saw her faceless father rock her and her scared mother steal her. Yep, our Bo-Bo is the literal definition of a Hell spawn.

Persephone gives us some needed backstory about how Aife was captured by Hades and imprisoned. Also, it’s subtle, but it’s interesting how we’re just straight-up calling Bo’s dad Hades now. So he isn’t The Wanderer or Odin or some fire-breathing Pegasus after all. I guess if you’re going to go big with your crazy storyline, go King of the Underworld big.

Hades gloated about how Bo would be “a queen capable of dominion over life and death.” Bo gets a lot of warm, fuzzy feelings for her mom especially after she finds her cave drawing of them together when she was a baby. Hey, where is Aife, anyway? Too busy chasing Tatiana Maslany, probably.

Now there’s a lot of talk of an Artemis Moon Candle. Please, like this show isn’t lesbian enough. Let’s get some Birkenstocks and organic cat treats up in here while we’re at it. Bo is trying to find it to get out of Hell, but Persephone is like, bitch, that was my way out. Well, she should be like that. But instead she helps point Bo to where the candle might be and puts her back on the elevator.

The glowy handprint flares back up on Bo’s chest, and then the Penthouse button on the elevator shines blue. Isn’t living in the penthouse antithetical to the concept of a Lord of the Underworld? Just saying? The doors open and it’s black. Just pitch black nothingness. But at least Bo’s dress looks great.

Bo tries to taunt her father into facing her. Please, they’ve waited five years. They’re not going to blow it two episodes in. Bo says he is “darkness, and I’m not walking into it,” and then promptly walks into the darkness more. People, listen to your own words. Then she tries to reverse psychology her dad by saying she never wants to meet him, I think.

But now there’s talk of meeting on her terms with her true family “who would never abandon me.” So then in the darkness she stumbles upon a candle sitting on a pillar. And she tells Hades dearest she’s going to take everything he has, starting with the Artemis Moon Candle.

Bo sprints back to the elevator and just as the doors are closing an arm reaches out and chokes her. But not like her “I’m pretending to choke my girlfriend”-way with Lauren. The real deal choking. But Bo is having none of it and says her mother taught her how to fight. So she blues her eyes and breaks free. Kinda pretty unimpressed with Daddy Darkness right now. He is weak, he is bad at hiding candles and his place really needs a good dusting. Did you see all those cobwebs?

At a seventh grade slumber party in another dimension, Kenzi and Lauren are about to use the Ouija board. But first there must be the ritual eating of the blood sausage. As a gay lady, Lauren naturally crinkles her nose at the thought of any kind of sausage. Plus she is a little worried they’re going to corporealize a spirit without Trick.

I have to agree. How about just a couple games of “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” to pass the time instead?

But Kenzi says there is no time, which is TV shorthand for “something bad is about to happen because I was impatient.” They clasp cold, clammy hands and recite a few incantations. The board starts to spin and then a chest slowly opens. Yes, this seems promising…for the start of a horror movie.

In Valhalla, Bo has found Persephone again—somehow—and is now running toward the stairs with her hostess gift from Hell. She wants to take her step-mother with her, because it’s the least she can do as a thank you for the verging on incestual sex. But she can’t leave, bound to the hotel, blah blah blah. She wants Bo to light the candle when she gets back to let her family know she is safe. Or, um, safe-ish. She’s in Hell, people.

So Bo leaves, with the candle, but without having to use the candle. Does this mean she could have left all along? I’m going to need a manual on the in-and-out policies for Valhalla/Tartarus. Because the rules seem, well, fluid.

While Bo is busting out of Hell, Lauren and Kenzi are in it. They’ve summoned a spirit, but not Bo. Duh. Lauren realizes the shard in her pocket must have been from an urn they broke while digging Kenzi up. Yes, because I remember seeing a ton of urns just hanging out around Kenzi’s gravestone. But continuity smontinuity, this way there’s a pissed off edimmu, a.k.a. a ghost who was not buried properly.

Kenzi connects the spooky dots and realizes Lauren had sex relations with this not-Bo edimmu. But Lauren insists it was just neck kisses. Good, because otherwise it would be non-consensual ghost-human intercourse and I am not OK with that. As is, it’s still not cool and crosses many interpersonal (not to mention inter-dimensional) boundaries.

Dyson meanwhile is still hanging at the gates to Valhalla. He is holding them open with wolf power, though why the Valkyries are allowing him to stay there is kind of beyond me. Is this just like a Valhalla mudroom? Because otherwise wouldn’t he need some Hell Shoes or a magic candle to get back out?

Bo arrives as if on cue, and there’s more talk of fealty but no kissing. I like the wolf just fine, I just like it better when he keeps his muzzle to himself.

Lauren and Kenzi have finally had enough cowering behind the couch and so the former makes a run for the possessed board. When I say she makes a run for it, I really need to be more descriptive. She flails her body toward it like a Fraggle and screams like a strangled Muppet as she runs toward the board.

She grabs the board while cursing at her ghost sexual predator and throws it in the fire. So, maybe it wasn’t just a kiss on the neck? Kenzi sets it on fire and we’re all good now, yes? Has no one ever watched a horror movie on this show? It’s never dead the first time. Ever. I mean, there is even a whole series of films specifically called Sometimes They Come Back.

Just as one crisis is (temporarily) averted, another arises. Stacey saunters in and says she is there to feast on one of their souls. Now, she can’t take Kenzi, because she already used her round-trip ticket to paradise. But Lauren is the better choice anyway because Stacey says she holds a “particularly special place in Bo’s heart.” She then waves Lauren’s Magical Vagina Necklace at her and everyone is incensed.

Stealing a piece of gift fashioned after your loved ones most private parts is at the very least an etiquette breach. But Stacey isn’t big on manners and determined to get Lauren for her Burn Book. She Valkyries Kenzi out of consciousness, and then sets her dead, lifeless eyes on the good doctor.

But never fear, a good Valkyrie is here. Tamsin saunters in and it’s a Mean Valkyries High all of a sudden. They exchange insults and spar in what can only be called a Valkyrie-on-Valkyrie Doubt Off. But you can’t out doubt Tamsin. This is a woman so secure she has made peace with her unbalanced boobs.

But then Tam-Tam goes in for the kill and disses Stacey’s hair, which is totally off limits and she storms off. Wait, I just realized who Stacey looks like. She is the Hannah Montana of Valkyries. You know, before she started sticking her tongue out and humping Robin Thicke.

Kenzi checks to make sure it’s Tamsin-Tamsin who remains, and not Jack Nicholson with an axe. It is and everyone hugs. And then everyone — including Bo and Dyson — are all of a sudden around the dinner table clinking wine glass. Um, I realize each episode is only 42-minutes, but that’s a strange way to show the whole gang’s first reunion.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s nice. Like any established cast, they work best when together and allowing the natural chemistry to flow.

Speaking of chemistry, Dyson and Tamsin decide theirs is more in the friendzone than sexytimes zone. Dyson also gives Kenzi a gift from Hale from his will. Um, a little late with that wolfie.

Lauren suggests a Cabernet from the impeccable collection in the wine room. Bo says she’ll help. Yeah you will, dirty girl. Bo takes their alone time as an opportunity to rib her about the ghost sex. Lauren’s excuse is it had some “patented Bo moves.” Can you sue a ghost for stealing your moves? Or for sexual assault?

Bo also asks about Kenzi’s mental wellbeing. But before they can get into whether she should join the “Ripped from Heaven” support group, Bo hears a swishing sound. She starts to think about inter-dimensional rules, since someone on this show has to, and realizes you can’t burn a ghost.

Instead the Ouija blaze sets Lauren’s bad-touch spirit free to try some bad touch for real. It jumps out at Lauren and, wait, is that the girl from The Grudge with a bad haircut? The no longer a ghost immediately goes after Lauren, so you can’t fault her taste. Luckily Kenzi is there with a shotgun to stop it dead—again.

A resigned Kenzi says it’s never over with the Fae and walks away.

Everyone now gone (Side note: who cooked that dinner? Because you know if Bo catered that thing it would be takeout pizza), a still resigned Kenzi walks up to her roomie. They have everything two gals could ever want—chardonnay, licorice and the No. 1 and No. 2 best Kevin Bacon movies ever (Footloose and Tremors, duh). But our Lil Mama doesn’t look psyched for the best night in ever.

She tells Bo she can’t. She can’t veg out with Kevin Bacon movies or keep being the lost human in the Fae world. She lost the love of her life—twice—and died. And now she is back and needs to try something new, something human.

Kenzi tells Bo she needs to go. But, but, we just got her back. Like, again literally, she just came back that day. I’ve got emotional whiplash here, folks. I mean, in theory, I get it. This is Kenzi’s chance to do something for herself. But in practice it just sucks. Sucks, sucks, suckity sucks.

Also, from a plot perspective, it doesn’t really make sense. Are they really going to allow Kenzi to walk off into the sunset alone? If she was leaving anyway, why not leave her in Valhalla with Hale? Why not write a happy ending for someone, which would still be bittersweet for Bo and the rest of us? If Ksenia Solo was actually exiting the show early, why like this? Bo’s heart would never actually leave her like this.

The only way this works as a fitting farewell is if it’s not really farewell. If Kenzi decides having land off the coast of Spain isn’t actually all that great and returns to stand side-by-side with her friends to face down their final apocalypse.

Kenzi picks up her already packed bags (but seriously, when did she have time to pack those?) and heads for the doors. Bo tells her she loves her, and it’s perhaps the only thing she is completely sure about. And our little Mackenzie says bye and walks away. Just like that.

If this is really the last we’ll see of Kenzi/Ksenia on this show, we have indeed lost something very special. And we have also lost something irreplaceable. Kenzi was not only Bo’s heart, but the show’s. She brought laughs and spunk and bravery to every scene. Without her, what will our heroes have left to protect? Also, it’s going to be damn hard to pick a Kenzism of the Week without a Kenzi. I don’t understand it and I can hardly believe it.

A bewildered Bo can’t either. Like, what just happened? To make herself feel better, she sets out to destroy the house. Fine, “destroy” might be a bit much. She tears off some of the boards from one of the windows (Additional side note: Why are they there in the first place?) and sets Persephone’s candle down. In an elevator possibly not in Heaven or Hell, a businesswoman is chatting enthusiastically on her phone about all-meat pizzas. Hey, I get it, all-meat pizzas are exciting. Bo starts to light the candle and suddenly enthusiastic pizza chatter is holding the candle.

Bo gets it lit and now pizza talker is holding the candle and there are flickering lights and ominous screams. So, let me guess, she is Demeter and mama is pissed.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Death is no reason to ignore your cuticles.

“Did you bother to get a man-mani like I taught you? God, just because I died. Do I even want to look at your feet?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Please do not interpret my leering as an endorsement of non-corporeal sexual assault.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button