TV

“Lost Girl” recap (5.5): All Tied Up With a Bow

Previously on Lost Girl: Dyson has a secret son. Bo was oblivious and slept with Dyson’s secret son. Tamsin has a secret crush. Bo was oblivious and kissed her repeatedly. Oh and there’s a Fae cult doing Fae culty things.

First, let’s have a little talk about fandom. I love the Lost Girl fandom for so many reasons, primarily because we are passionate and loyal and articulate in our devotion and demands for this series, its characters and its stars. Having said that, I have always been—since the first “My God, you’re beautiful”—a Doccubus fan. But over the years I have grown to appreciate almost all of the ships, even chuckled at the crazytown crackships, and respect everyone’s favorite couplings and varied allegiances.

This is a long-winded way of saying given the big, tied-up-with-a-bow happenings of this week’s episode I really hope we can all have a respectful discussion of the story, regardless of our possibly differing OTPs. But, you guys already knew that. You’re Lost Girl fans and Lost Girl fans are amazing. Well, except for anyone on Team Mark. I hate that Little Shit.

Right, so where were we? Oh yes, Bo has daddy issues. This tends to happen when your father is Hades. Also, this tends to happen when your father is Hades and sends you a birthday gift in a creepy looking box with a card that reads, “Happy Birthday Precious.” Also, who signs cards “Daddy” for adult children? Creepy people, that’s who.

While Bo is dealing with her creep, Cassie the Oracle (remember her? I kind of love her) is dealing with a creep of her own. She is on what looks like a very boring first date. The dude is talking about his “journey” which is, as we all know, The Worst. He might as well pull out a vision board and tell her how he totally redecorated his parent’s basement to be a bitchin’ bachelor pad. Cassie gets saved by the bell in the form of Bo’s call asking for help with her mystery box (not that one, mind out of the gutter—we’re not even two minutes into this episode). She tells her they’ll meet tomorrow at the Dal and returns to her lackluster dinner companion.

He asks about her, mentions his “party girl” sister (which peaks Cassie’s interest—sexual Faeluidity for the win) and then surprises her by turning down a reading. Poor girl, dating as an Oracle must be the Fae equivalent of dating as a doctor. Everyone wants to know their future/whether that weird mole on their back is normal.

Cassie takes the mystery man back to her apartment and they talk about five-year plans. Jesus, I was right about the vision boards. He then puts the moves on her with a whopper of a goodnight kiss. But then he demurs that he is a gentleman and leaves. Cassie says a little prayer to the naughty bit gods that the date’s peen will check out, but then immediately is stricken with what looks like a blinding headache (Faegraine? Yeah, I know, I’m stretching).

The next day at the Dal, Tamsin stands in for all of fandom and asks Trick why he let Teen Wolf work for him. He says something about exposure to the colony and Tamsin makes a crack about exposure to a specific person in the colony. Oh, Tam-Tam, never change.

Bo arrives worried about Cassie who is a no-show. Trick doesn’t know where she is either, but he does know what day it is and gives his granddaughter a present. Well, say what you will about Bo’s family, they’re at least good at giving gifts. Wait, did I say good? I meant they give gifts of varying degrees of terribleness. Because Trick gave her the finger, literally. I wonder how many seasons the writers have been waiting to use that pun?

Tamsin excuses herself quickly, and only a little bit because of how grossed out she is by the shriveled finger. Instead she meets up with Lauren for an emergency present shopping session. Lauren can’t believe they forgot her birthday, and Tamsin agrees. But mostly just about Lauren because it’s not something an ex-girlfriend with continued strong residual feelings should forget. The winged lady has a point.

Lauren says she has been hard at work/sucking up to Evony. Tamsin suggests yeti strippers and again I find myself agreeing with the lady. Hey, you wanna know what’s under all that hair, too. But instead they decide to get her pussy. Yes, literally.

Also, bless this show for exchanges like this:

Tamsin: You’ve been replaced. I found Bo’s new… [pans to a stuffed pussycat]

Lauren: No!

Tamsin: What? I was going to say companion.

The shopkeeper arrives and tells them the dead cat is a good luck charm from some long ago dynasty. Lauren calls it “hideous” and thinks a frog figurine will make a way better gift. Does everyone on this show suck at giving gifts. But, for the third time in less than 10 minutes I have to agree with Tamsin. Pussy is the perfect gift for the gay lady who has everything, after all.

Lauren remains skeptical of the “magic kitty.” We all know she is the only one with the Magical Vagina. But Tamsin gets it anyway, with Lauren’s money I might add. So, if we’re getting technical, Lauren just paid for Tamsin to give Bo pussy. What? Just being clear.

Bo is still fretting about Cassie, but before she can go check up on her Tamsin and Lauren arrive with her gifts. Tamsin presents the pussy and Lauren drops her knicknack. If only this show was good with metaphors. So Lauren says the pussy is also from her and I’m not even making this stuff up. It’s what is actually happening.

But she refuses to concede that the pussy is magical or lucky because, again, only hers can turn Fae human. Bo isn’t sure what to make of the gift because it’s deeply weird to receive a dead stuffed cat for your birthday, lucky or otherwise.

Then things get just a touch weirder when both Lauren and Tamsin offer to go with her to check up on Cassie. But then Tamsin reminds Lauren about that thing she has to do. No, not the mole again. (See, told you, doctors plight.) That other thing with the baking and the balloons. Seriously, where is Lauren’s mind these days? Not on Bo’s pussy, I’ll tell you that much.

At Cassie’s door, Bo and Tamsin are knocking with no response. Tamsin wants to bust down the door because she is Tamsin, but Bo suggests trying the doorknob first. It opens because lucky cat and all. But inside is decidedly not lucky. It’s a bloody mess.

Tamsin immediately springs into cop mode and talks about containing the scene. Sometimes I forget that these characters have real jobs and accompanying job skills. Or is it that the writers sometimes forget? Potato, potato—as the saying goes. That makes more sense when you say it out loud, I swear.

Ugh, so next that Little Shit does some stuff. I’d tell you what, but I know you don’t care either. I really dislike his character and I really dislike that in the final season they chose to introduce a new character and I really dislike that his character takes screen time away from the characters we really care about. So, blah blah blah, the bottom line is we now know there is such a thing as a colony ledger which contains the signatures of all the Fae and reveals their true power.

Tamsin and Bo are now back at the Dal and, aside from Bo finding an earring she thought she lost, they’re getting nowhere with the missing Oracle. The other Oracles in the area can’t be found either. So, that’s bad. So bad Tamsin called Cassie’s cousin, Seymour. He is a soul eater and a low life, but who knows — maybe both those traits will come in handy later. Like say in about 40 minutes. He says he sucks people’s spirits which makes him unpopular. To which Tam-Tam cheerfully chimes in, “Sucking things made me popular.” Can I change my OTP to Tamsin and her filthy mouth?

Seymour tells them they should look into Cassie’s FaeDates. Can you imagine the insane profile pics you have to wade through on a supernatural dating site? Swipe left for dragon teeth, swipe right for unicorn horns. So, after plucking a coin (which we can only assume is lucky) from her shoe, Bo decides it’s time to jump into online dating.

Meanwhile, back at the Succu-Shack, Lauren is attempting to bake up some birthday cheer. But the doctor mixes the sugar with the salt and gets the balloons delivered to the wrong place and burns the cake. Maybe the magic pussy is jealous of her magical pussy. It’s a theory.

So next more valuable screen time is wasted on Mark at the Dal. He meets Vex and they meet two women and ugh, I really hate that Little Shit. So, blah, blah blah, he hooks up with the ladies in Trick’s lair. But really this—might I add, incredibly graphic—scene of him receiving oral pleasure from a forked tongue lady is just a distraction for the other lady to steal the colony ledger.

Can we please have a moratorium on this kid who looks like he still needs to pass geometry class receiving gratuitous sexual gratification on this show please? I mean it, yuck.

Who needs a palate cleanser? Puppies frolicking. Ponies prancing. Bo taking online dating site profile pics. Tamsin is doing her best Annie Leibovitz and it’s going so well Bo is practically purring. Did I say practically? I meant actually—Bo is actually purring.

In between winking at greasy dudes in tank tops (come on, Tami, you can do better), the two finish Bo’s profile. She poses as an Oracle and right away Cassie’s last date requests a date with her. Luckier still, Cassie calls at that exact moment. But, since she doesn’t have the magic pussy, Cassie is not doing nearly as well. Like, she is chained up in a dungeon with a bloody rag around her eyes not well. Online dating is brutal.

Blah, blah, blah, Mark continues to be awful. This time his awfulness knocks Lauren — who is a little deaf courtesy all the birthday balloons popping in her car—into her just purchased, incorrectly flavored birthday cake. Man, black cats really are bad luck—but maybe just for her.

The good news is everything I hate about the Mark storyline is almost balanced out by everything I love about this ridiculous lucky pussy storyline. Bo purrs. Bo laps up her martini. Bo grooms herself. Bo bats around the salt shaker. Bo stress pants. I don’t even care about the creepy FaeDates dude. Give me more cat scratch fever.

Of course it’s all fun and games until someone goes and gets hairy palms—and the rest of her hands, too. Bo is now going full feline with paws and cat eyes and a fascination with her own image in the mirror. The magic pussy was indeed more magical than expected, except it’s magic is now transforming her into a cat. It’s also giving her luck while taking it from Lauren. It’s like I always say, you’ve got to respect the pussy.

Naturally there’s a downside, which is Bo could turn into a cat permanently. But the purring and snuggling is almost worth it, at least for Tamsin. Lauren, however, seems less than pleased that Tamsin is playing here kitty, kitty with Bo. And she seems even less pleased when Tamsin goes along with Bo’s cockamamie idea to let blind—again, literally—luck lead them to Cassie.

But Tam-Tam is more than happy to follow, and push stick-in-the-mud Lewis out of the picture. If there’s any doubt it should now be erased. That Valkyrie is dying for some tail from our Bo-Bo. See what I did there?

So two blondes follow a cat into the woods. This is not a set-up for a joke, this is a typical plot point on Lost Girl. Lauren grumbles that they should be helping Bo instead of following her in the forest. But Tamsin takes this as an opportunity to throw down the gauntlet. She tells Lauren she isn’t the only pussy looking for pets from Bo anymore. And like it or not, something amazing is happening.

No matter if you’re Team Valkubus or Team Doccubus you’ve got to admit, that whole scene was pretty amazing. The dynamic, the love whatever the hell shape it is now, has totally shifted. The Dyson/Lauren rivalry was largely passive aggressive. The Lauren/Tamsin rivalry is loud and proud.

While two women are sparring over who will win another woman’s heart on primetime television, the woman in question falls into a pit. Luckily her cat-like reflexes land her on her feet. In the cave she finds the missing oracles bound together and all very much missing their eyes.

So, one problem solved but another one still alive and pawing. A whiskered Bo is nestled in a box wishing she had some catnip. Tamsin tries to comfort her, but then Dyson arrives with Seymour. Hey, remember how he was a soul sucker and sleazebag. To steal Bo’s luck he snorts her cat and, well, it’s no longer What’s Up Pussycat at the Succu-Shack.

Am I the only one who was hoping Dyson and Bo might experience a little more dog-cat antagonism? Just me? Whatever, it could have been hilarious and you know it.

Back in serious mode, Dyson goes to check on Cassie who is now under Lauren’s watchful care. He shows her Bo’s FaeDates date, who also happens to be one of the stolen dead bodies from the elevator crash. Hm, who wants to take a guess that the colony ledger thief is No. 3?

Right. So what happens next was so unexpected yet so perfect. I say this not from a shipper point of view, because we all ship different things for different reasons. But I say this from a story point of view. It was surprising, but it makes sense. In the end, regardless of OTP, I want the stories to feel real. And I want the characters to act like themselves, even if those actions aren’t always exactly what I want.

Bo is in bed staring at the Jack-in-the-Box from Hell. (Side Note: This is the same box used in the Season 2 promos by Showcase. Continuity like whaaat.) Tamsin walks into her doorway wearing one of Bo’s kimonos and carrying a cupcake. She tells Bo she was amazing today, and really always. Her eyes go so clear you can practically feel her heart beaming through them.

Bo is busying herself with the business of the cupcake, and says, “If there is something better than this I have not encountered it.” Her obliviousness at Tamsin’s true feelings has been one of the greatest sources of humor and heartbreak in the last couple of seasons.

So Tamsin finally, fully enlightens her. She drops the robe to reveal herself tied up with a big red bow. If there is a better birthday gift, I have not encountered it.

Bo looks up, stunned, from her sweet treat at something even sweeter. And then there is that moment. Those precious seconds that seem like a lifetime after you’ve shown yourself, fully and not just in the naked sense, to another soul. And in that eternity you wait to see how they will handle your heart.

Bo sits up, and grabs the end of Tamsin’s ribbon and draws her close. And with one tug they’re happy together in their birthday suits. I don’t care what team you are on, that was sexy as hell.

I am going to miss this show so much for so many reasons. But one of the biggest reasons is it is a show that allows women to love, and lust, after other women with the lights on. Granted, we could grumble (and I did, most definitely) about the fade to black after Bo unwraps this particular present. Still while sexytime is great (except when they’re happening to Mark, that Little Shit), intimacy can be even better.

So while we don’t get to see any rutting around, we do get to see the afterglow. Tamsin tells Bo that the girls must have hated her because she is beautiful even like this. The this is sad, which she has noticed even though she has tried to pretend she didn’t. She asks Bo what is wrong, and Bo confesses what she had told no one else so far. She was born in Hell and Hades is her father.

You might ask why is Bo telling her instead of Lauren or Dyson or even Trick. Why this Valkyrie who was first tasked with hunting her down? Why Tamsin? Because Tamsin understands. Tamsin was also once a lost girl, the rebel who left Valhalla. The girl who thought she was controlled, but broke free. The girl who got angry. I understand their connection, and I understand why Bo feels it. As a story, no matter how we feel about or what you want to see from the coupling long-term, it makes sense right now.

Tamsin promises to help Bo break free from her father. And to stop him from using her for something terrible. You can see it in her eyes, she means it with all of her heart.

While we’re all enjoying our imaginary post-coital cigarette (don’t smoke, kids), Lauren is monitoring Cassie. The Oracle wakes up confused and disoriented. Lauren tries to find out who hurt her. But it was her, she did it to herself. She did it to stop the visions of everything—the beginning, the end. Well, isn’t that disturbing.

I must say, I am rather liking the Big Bad Threesome arc (not like that, come on, I know it’s hard after what we just witnessed but focus up) so far this season. It’s a very gradual reveal, but more is indeed revealed each episode. In the past, Lost Girl has had a bad habit of building up villains only to have them fizzle when revealed. But something about the methodical pacing of this is working for me. Speaking of which, the dead FaeDate dude now has the colony ledger the mystery girl stole and is looking over it slowly. He finds Bo’s name and says, “Nice try, Succubus.” See, like I was saying, ominous.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Tamsin and Lauren’s interactions are quickly becoming my favorite in this new post-Kenzi world.

Tamsin: The man said it would bring you lots of happiness and good luck.

Lauren: But it’s foolish to think that an external object can dictate the likelihood of fortunate events.

Tamsin: Who hurt you?

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Hey, Tamsin, watch the hands.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button