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“Lost Girl” recap (5.7): The heart is a lonely Valkyrie

Previously on Lost Girl: I was super wrong at my blind guess about which Greek gods the three Fae body snatchers were because I was stuck in a confining gender binary. Tamsin put on a cheerleader outfit. It was good. A gay football star came out. It was good. Lauren saw some dude’s ween. It was less good.

We open in the movie Twister, which, if we’re being honest with ourselves was a pretty fun, dumb disaster movie that you may not know Joss Whedon had an uncredited hand in scripting. Bo and Dyson are walking through a debris field. Lots of overturned cars and downed power lines. No flying cows though. A tornado has cut a swath of destruction through downtown Toronto (I see you, CN Tower). Production budget wise, this is a pretty impressive set piece. If you’re gonna go out, spend all of Showcase’s money while you’re at it.

Bo and Dyson pun while saving someone trapped in a car because natural disasters just lend themselves to wordplay. Then Tamsin comes up and tells Bo the scene looks like a battlefield, and she should know. But then she says as long as they’re together they can take on anything because, “You’re my girl.” I know this is all headed to heartbreak and despair, but must you make it so obvious? Be gentle with the Valkubus hearts out there.

Bo looks uncomfortable and considers having “The Talk” in the midst of all this rubble and twisted metal. But, yeah, maybe just keep it to bad puns instead of heart-to-hearts. Plus, did anyone else notice that big-ass scorched triple spiral on the ground? Well, they do call natural disasters acts of God—in this case, gods.

Dead Candle Lady/Fae Cult Member #1 is watching it all from her balcony. She turns and calls out the names of the blinded oracles. Hold up, didn’t Bo rescue the oracles? How are they back with her? And what are they on because they seem really chill and groovy for a bunch of ladies who just melon balled out their own eyes. They snap to attention at the crack of thunder and start chanting about “Only in the darkness can we see the light.”

Dead Candle Lady/Fae Cult Member #1 swivels around with glee—but the real kind not the insane kind where a bunch of former glee club geeks turned college dropouts are allowed to return to their alma maters and get hired for teaching positions immediately without going through the credentialing process—and declares it “Ready, set, Bo!” time.

Lauren is treating patients in her clinic from the disaster. Are they all Fae? Do the Fae just know to go there for their health care needs? I know the Dark Fae provide dental, but is there also Universal Faecare? Oh, right, sorry—Canada. Only us silly Americans worry about this stuff.

Bo, Tamsin and Dyson walk in to brief her on the damage. The ancients are behind this. Tamsin wants Bo to come with her to sweep the streets for more survivors, but Dyson says he is worried someone will try to steal Lauren’s serum in the chaos. So Bo decides to stay. Tamsin signals she understands with a kiss for Bo before leaving. This is greeted by a look from Dyson that tells me these days he might actually be on Team Lauren.

Also, side note, why the hell does Lauren have Magical Vagina serum at the clinic. Shouldn’t she have it hidden somewhere very far and vary safe? Unless it’s actually being stored in her, well, um. Never mind. Please proceed as if I never brought any of this up.

Then things go from bad to horror movie bad because the lights go out across town. Which means, dun-dun-dun, Evony’s cryo box is no longer receiving power and whatever oogity boogity inside will soon be released.

Thanks to the blackout, Trick is forced to provide plot exposition via candlelight. He reads about Zeus getting angry at humans and using Hera’s messenger Iris, the rainbow god, to flood the Earth. Finally, we have names for Fae Cult Members #1-3. Hello, Zeus, Hera and Iris—but who is who?

Vex gets extra grouchy when he realizes the Greek gods are about to try to end the world and he’s stuck in a bar with a leaky roof and piss-sticky floors. Trick sends him to get candles and while in the back his mood rises—that and other things. Mark, or something that looks like that Little Shit, comes up to him and asks Vex if he wants his candles “thick or long.”

And then Mark goes down on Vex’s possibly thick and possibly long. OK, so who decided this would be blow job season on Lost Girl? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the addition of more and more overt male same-sex attraction on the show. I applaud any programming that encompasses all the letters in LGBT and sometimes Q. But, no, I am not on Team BJ. Consider it the one crackship I can’t get behind.

Anyway, Vex feebly attempts to resist, only to finally say it feels wrong. He’s worried about Big Daddy Dyson (yes, I know how that sounds) and probably what he’ll do to his pretty Mesmer face if he finds out. But Mark tells him he talks too much. But Vex is right, it does feel wrong. Something is just, off. Not about them kissing, that’s great. Find your bliss, Vex. But Mark seems off somehow—like a sexually aggressive pod person.

Speaking of daddy dearest, he is back at his gym going over the case. He wonders aloud where a god would be and Tamsin walks in and replies, “Duh, big fluffy white cloud in the sky. Do you have any cream cheese?” Aw, see, everyone loved those Philly Cream Cheese commercials with out comic Erin Foley.

Tamsin, who smells great wet, unlike some possible other characters who probably smell like wet dog—cough, Dyson, cough—has been monitoring the streets. She found fliers for Dead FaeDate Guy/Fae Cult Member #2. Dyson wants her to get rid of all of them, and other signs of the Fae Cult. But Tamsin wants to swing by Lauren’s clinic first. For, you know, no reason.

Jealous girlfriend is such a strange look on a Valkyrie. Like, isn’t it the antithesis of Valkyrie behavior? Dyson tries to tell her that there will always be other people, it’s in the nature of a Succubus. But Tamsin isn’t worried about other people. She is only worried about one specific person who had hot pants.

Speaking of Dr. Hotpants, she is panicking about the power to the cryo box, or lack thereof. In 90 seconds instead of a lifetime supply of froyo the chamber will unleash one of the oldest, most dangerous Fae to ever walk the Earth. So, then, I should put away these gummy bears? I love gummy bears with froyo.

Instead they evacuate the clinic which is a neat trick in 90 seconds. I’m going to assume all the walking wounded from the tornado turned into sprinting wounded or something. Bo and Lauren stay behind to face the box monster (yes, I also know how that sounds) together.

They stand together, Bo with a knife and Lauren with a syringe, and get ready to face it. Together. So then the alarm goes off and the case opens up and smoke billows and…nothing. It looks empty. And they both seem altogether pissed about the whole thing.

Lauren curses Evony. Bo curses about Lauren working for Evony. Bo complains that, “All of this is for her. To make her Fae again.” Lauren agrees blankly, then walks to the radio, turns on a slow song and starts dancing with Bo. Well, the blue light is kind of romantic.

She pulls Bo close and as they sway she whispers, so as not to be heard by any prying former Morrigan ears, that she knows what she is doing and to trust her. She is living her dream—treating and conducting research on humans and Fae. And none of it is to turn Evony Fae again.

What follows is the best slow-dancing processing I’ve ever seen:

Lauren: I don’t work for anybody but myself.

Bo: You know how to seize an opportunity.

Lauren: Mmmh. Well, for some of us life is shorter.

Bo: Then let’s make it count.

Listen to Aaron Neville and tell it like it is, ladies. Good thing they emptied out the clinic after all, eh?

While Lauren and Bo are sexing, I mean seizing, an opportunity, Dyson is trudging through the rain to check on Dead FaeDate Guy/Fae Cult Member #2’s widow. But he answers the door. He claims to have woken up on the side of the highway and stumbled his way back. Can anyone explain to me why a Greek god would want to pretend to play house with a human? Just for kicks? Dyson seems as confused as I am.

Meanwhile, Tamsin has returned from her errand and just couldn’t resist popping by the clinic. Oh, Tam-Tam, you really shouldn’t have. You really, really shouldn’t have. Because what she sees she shouldn’t have to see. She sees what anyone with a secretly tender chest full of love shouldn’t have to see.

Poor Tamsin. Really, all I can say is poor Tamsin. Yes, it was hot and all. But taking out ships and teams and all the fandom stuff for a minute and just relating to these characters as human—or super-human—beings, it’s a shitty thing to watch someone you love making love to someone else. Like I said, poor Tamsin.

So next Evony breezes into the Dal. Talk about your tonal shifts. She gives Vex a hard time about his obvious hard on for Teen Wolf. But she isn’t just there to bust Vex’s Mesmer about his Humbert Humbert inclinations. She is there to enlist his help to track down the baddie unleashed from the cryo box because of the blackout. Oh, you thought that thing was empty? Silly rabbit.

Unaware of what invisible evils await them, Bo and Lauren are lounging in post-coital, blue-lit bliss. Bo says she wishes they could lie there forever. And Lauren says they should seize the moment and drink her chateau fancy pants wine. She gets up to fetch the good stuff. Bo watches her leave with a kind of clarity in her eyes. Love is hard, but also simple sometimes.

Lauren runs into her lab assistant, or what is left of her lab assistant. Man, the turnover rate for this position is really becoming a problem. Lauren should just keep the “Help Wanted” notice for that job up continuously on Craigslist. Also, there’s an invisible monster on the loose, which tends to make hiring difficult.

Also still on the loose is a less-than invisible Dead FaeDate Guy/Fae Cult Member #2 who is still playing house with his former/current widow. Dyson has come in to take his statement, but things aren’t adding up. Why did he get bored with lightning fingers and decide to test drive a human? When the wife gets up to get cocoa, Dyson tells him he knows he is responsible, well one of the responsible, for all the ritualistic murders, eyeless oracles and downtown tornadoes.

But Dyson may not know him as well as he thought. Because he calls him Zeus, when he is really Hera. Yes the goddess of women, marriage and birth stands before us. So now it kind of makes more sense why he’d want to try out another marriage. But possibly he doesn’t believe in divorce because he is trying to kill the wife for funsies.

Dyson tries to stop him, but gets stopped instead by Hera’s monster burp of gadflies. As far as super powers go it’s more gross than terrifying. Luckily the wife, who had caught on earlier that this wasn’t really her dead husband thanks to the magic of marshmallows, stabs him and Hera stumbles off to find another mortal body to inhabit.

At the clinic Lauren is feeling guilt for her high lab assistant body count. Bo reassures her it’s not her fault but the good doctor feels as guilty as her Karen Beattie days. Bo’s ears perk up right away because Lauren hasn’t exactly been a chatterbox when it comes to her past. But the trauma of chasing an invisible monster has killed her filter and Bo happily tells her to “Karen Beattie all over me.”

Lauren gives her the CliffsNotes version and says, “It was a long time ago, people died, it was my fault.” I had kind of forgotten that Lauren had never really talked about her Karen Beattie days to Bo, only to Crystal. Man, whatever happened to Crystal?

Bo says they have more in common than she thought, but then tells her to leave for her protection. But Lauren insists on staying, saying she might not be as strong as Bo and Tamsin but she’s not afraid to break glass in case of emergency.

Dyson had brought the now definitely ex-wife back to his gym. He tells her she can stay as long as she likes. Naturally, she freaks out at the implied commitment. Kidding! She freaks out because a swarm of flies just burped out of her supposedly dead husband’s mouth.

After he leaves her to sleep, Dyson returns to his case board. As he does someone comes up behind him and plays the “guess who” game. It looks like Bo. But, um, Bo is in the clinic with Lauren sharing backstories and hunting invisible monsters. Dyson is confused too, because normally he can smell her from a mile away. And he’s even more confused when Bo wants to tell him a “secret”—that she thinks about him every day. And then she shows him how much she misses him every day.

Are the writers trolling fandom? I think the writers are trolling fandom.

Back at the clinic, Evony is tearing apart the clinic. She is looking for Lauren’s Magical Vagina Serum. But—duh—we all know where she hides it. Vex is there to laugh at her skin tags, and also spill even more backstory. They apparently met corralling the invisible monster together years ago. It seems she was a “shattered little mess” and Vex “saved” her. Interesting. Can we do the whole show in this blue lighting? It makes people so much more willing to share.

Evony finally finds Lauren’s safe and of course it’s “behind a bush.” See, I told you that’s where it would be. But before she can crack it Bo and Lauren arrive, with the key. They demand to know more about the invisible monster, and she tells them “nothing on this Earth can kill it. No chemical, no weapon, not even Lumber Butch over here.” Lumber Butch, fine, I snorted a little.

Bo has a bright idea that requires Lauren’s throwing skills (which are at 82 percent, thank you) and Evony as bait. The artist formerly known as Morrigan is less than pleased with this idea, but mostly because she used to date the invisible monster. Indestructible exes, are we sure the Morrigan isn’t a lesbian?

But Evony does it, walking alone down a dark alley like the first girl to die in a scary movie. She has plenty of complaints about it, naturally. Then he arrives and a second later Lauren throws an axe into his back. I don’t understand how a human axe to the back is supposed to slow down a Greek god/invisible monster. But, eh, go with it.

Evony reveals the cryo box treatment was just payback for a bad relationship. But then, when you’re dating Eros the god of love, I guess things can get complicated. You know the story: boy meets girl, boy dates girl, girl falls in love with boy, boy strings girl along, boy dumps girl for Psyche.

So, wait, Evony is evil because she got her heart broken? Well, love does make you do the wacky. But that’s all the backstory we’re getting because a bolt of lightning comes down and zaps Eros into oblivion. Why? I don’t know, but it sure ties up that storyline quickly.

The night of strange nocturnal movements continues as Isabeau comes to visit Trick. So, now ghosts are visiting people for booty calls. Taken in the context of this show, it’s actually not that far-fetched. But still, it’s not real. Mark walks in on Trick and finds him with our three blind oracles. The illusion shattered, they leave all butthurt saying, “You are not The Light.”

Conveniently Dyson and Trick arrive, too, and they admit they’ve had strange sexual encounters that day. The oracles were trying to find “The Light,” who just so happens to be Bo. And Dyson, Trick and Vex all have Bo’s blood in them after fighting the Garuda. Ah, continuity, you are always a welcome visitor.

Vex nervously asks how the oracles picked the visions they gave them. And Trick says they showed them what their heart desires most. Guess poor Vexie can’t Mesmer his own heart muscle.

Speaking of hearts desire, Bo returns to the Succu-Shack and finds Persephone’s candle is lit. She turns, and the three eyeless oracles are there getting all touchy feely. But instead of freaking out she smiles, because what she sees is, wait for it, Dyson. Yes, now it’s certain, the writers are trolling fandom.

An oddly serene Dyson tells her there is a reason she picked him first, and the love is still there. Bo tells him it is, but it changes. He tells her he’ll always be there and strong for her. Bo asks why he is telling her this now, and we pan suddenly to Lauren. Jesus, this whole scene is like the wildest rollercoaster ride for Team Anyone But Dyson.

Now a just-about-right serene Lauren tells Bo she is true and that “as long as we’re alive, as long as we’re walking the Earth we can’t not be together.” Bo smiles at this, but knows even though her heart wants it, it can’t really be Lauren. But fake Lauren reassures her she even tastes like Lauren and to “give it a try.”

But Bo has more will power than you’d think for a succubus, and then all of a sudden Lauren is gone and Dyson is gone. And instead it’s just Daddy deadliest’s voice in the darkness telling her not to be afraid. Trick arrives just in time to chase away the oracles. But I’m thinking they already found out her truth?

So Bo finally tells someone else—well, besides Tamsin—her truth, that she was born in Hell and Hades is her papa. See, was that so hard to share? Oh, also she may have inadvertently brought the ancients back to Earth by lighting Persephone’s candle. Whoopsie.

The oracles return to Lady Zeus (yeah, we know it’s him) and she grabs Cassie for a kiss to retrieve her truth. But it’s not about Papa Hades, it’s about that damn candle. Guess we’ll be seeing a lot more of that thing this season. Too bad it isn’t the extra flamey variety. Also, I hope you’ve said your goodbyes to Cassie. Because Lady Zeus just threw her off the damn balcony. Aw, pouring a little out for my oracle homie.

As the blackout continues, Mark and Vex play beer pong. The Little Shit keeps trying to find out who Vex’s heart desired most. Oh, kid, you are a dense one. But poor Vexie, he confesses he doesn’t know what his heart wants. All these truths that come out only in the cover of darkness.

Speaking of hearts and darkness, Bo is home talking to Lauren and tells her she needs to have some time alone to process everything that has happened because GAY. Tamsin walks in, and asks if she is included in that alone. But Bo tells her, of course not, she lives there. Oh, Bo, sometimes you can be as clueless as Mark.

This whole episode I feel like I’ve been talking about plot because, frankly, so much crazy shit happened. Tornadoes and black outs and blow jobs, oh my! But finally, finally I get to talk about feelings. And not just any feelings, but Big Gay Lady Feelings. And, as all of us lesbian and bisexual ladies out there know, those are the most important feelings of all.

So grab your softest pillow and hold onto your Valkubus hearts. Hold on so tightly.

Bo says they need to talk, but Tamsin interrupts and says she knows what she is going to say and is OK with it. She is OK with her sleeping with other people because of the succubus thing, even if it’s Lauren. Because she knows where Bo’s heart truly lies—and it is with her.

Bo’s face drops. It drops because she can’t tell Tamsin, even just once, that is true. How can she look into those crystalline-blue eyes, those eyes rapidly brimming with tears, and tell her that. So she tells her she cares for her “more than you know.” Ooof, that’s even worse than if you tell someone you love her and she says, “Thank you.”

She then tries to convince Tamsin that she isn’t even really in love with her. It’s just living together and taking cases together and sleeping together that has confused her. Well, the sleeping together is a little confusing, but not for those reasons. I find it confusing because why would Bo do it with Tamsin without clearly laying out the friends-with-benefits ground rules? Yes, she is a succubus and succubi sleep around. Duh. But with those closest to her she always distinguishes food, fun and feelings.

Tamsin is having none of it either. This is a woman who has taken warriors off the battlefield for centuries. And even so, she is still wise beyond her lives. She is not confused, she is in love. She loves Bo, with all of her Valkyrie heart. She is offering it to Bo, arms outstretched. It might as well be wrapped up with a big red bow.

So Bo finally gives her the “I love you, but not like that.” My gods, does Rachel Skarsten show you everything you need to know with her eyes. The flicker of hope as Bo said “I love you,” the dashing of light when she followed it with, “not like that.”

It sinks in, and Tamsin lowers her eyes. She asks how Lauren and Dyson and even the most boring man in the world Rainer could all be good enough, but she is not. She has a point, especially about the Wanderer. And Bo even married that dud. So she wonders aloud what’s wrong with her. Why not her?

Oh, Tam-Tam. Dear, sweet, sarcastic, brassy, fantastic, wonderful Tamsin. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you at all. Bo tells her as much, too. But our little, wounded Valkyrie was so sure this was her shot in the winner’s circle for once. In her last life, she found it. She won. But the thing about love is it is never a competition, no matter what the shipper wars tell you. It cannot be quantified or verified or synthesized.

This woman with eyes both brown and blue, she may not be your one. But know, dear Tamsin, you are worthy of the real thing. Tamsin takes Bo’s face in her hands, and the lights flicker back on. She turns to leave and Bo tries to follow her. But Tamsin tells her not to follow her. Bo tries again and this time she yells, “Don’t” at her with everything left in her heart. And then she is gone.

Of all the terrible things that have happened to people on Lost Girl—baring things like deaths of fiancés/girlfriends formerly in a coma—this has to be one of the worst. And it felt so terrible because it was so terribly relatable. Who hasn’t had her feelings stomped on? Who hasn’t thought she would never find the one? Who hasn’t loved someone who simply did not love you back? It’s brutal, but the heart is a surprisingly resilient muscle. And, Tam-Tam, don’t worry, an entire fandom would happily be your rebound. Just saying.

Bo looks after her perplexed. I mean, who would have thought sleeping with your roomie who had obvious romantic feelings for you could have repercussions? She turns around and blows out Persephone’s candle. But then it flickers back on. Hold up, this thing isn’t really an Artemis Moon Candle is it? Wait, did this thing belong to Prometheus all along?

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Vex, my friend, I’ve been there, too.

“I feel like I’ve picked the worst lane in the shittiest traffic of all time.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Wet T-shirt contest, party of two.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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