Welcome back to Gotham, the police procedural that refuses to investigate the disappearance of queer lady characters. I mean, I know this Dr. Crane guy is bad, but where the fuck is Renee Montoya?
Speaking of Dr. Crane, he and his son ambush an old guy in his apartment for some more fear mongering. They’ve brought scary face paint and make-up, but tragically no baby piglets.
Fish wakes up in an underground prison/dungeon surrounded by sketchy folk, and immediately conjures a patronus of vicious fierceness to keep the creepers away. For someone so little, Fish sure does have a huge set of brass ovaries.
WTF did I drink last night?
Gordon and Doc Caliente are wrapping up their third date, and Gordon assumes he’s going to get the fast pass to Bone City. Doc turns him down and tells him she’s starting her new job tomorrow-as GCPD’s medical examiner. Gordon looks all conflicted and butthurt, despite recommending her for said job.
A woman? Medical examiner? Next you’ll be telling me you want the vote!
The next day, Bullock canvasses the crime scene: another dead guy with adrenal glands missing. As Bullock wonders what this guy is doing with all these glands, we see Dr. Crane working in a busted old lab. He mashes up the adrenals to make some fear juice, and injects himself with it. He then wanders into the hallway and the room starts shaking. He sees flames everywhere and a woman crying out for him. Something tells me fear juice is NOT going to be as popular as Viper.
This wouldn’t happen with weed, dummy!
Over at Wayne Manor, Bruce is packing for an overnight hike that was a ritual for him and his dad. Alfred offers to come along, but Bruce says it’s something he needs to do alone. And when a ten year old tells you he needs to walk off into the woods alone, you listen. It’s called parenting, people!
Penguin has once again dodged death and is back with Falcone. He desperately needs protection from Maroni, but Falcone is more interested in re-designing Fish’s club. Someone’s been watching too much HGTV.
I don’t think I can get Ty Pennington for this gig, but…
Back at the GCPD, Bullock is perving over girls in a high school yearbook. The victim was an English teacher, so they are combing the book for possible info. Come on Bullock, we’re trying to root for you. Don’t be gross. They come across a picture of biology professor Gerald Crane, and recognize him immediately. Doc Caliente comes over to say hi, and Gordon is awkward and weird with her. Bullock tells him that office romances always end in tears. These guys are such drama queens; she’s not working across from you, she’s in a whole different area of the building! Don’t get your panties in a bunch, detectives.
Well, this has been awkward as fuck so, I guess I’ll see you in the cafeteria?
Over at the Dungeon of Despair, Fish finds out that the man in charge is named Mace, and he gets first dibs when the breakfast buckets come in. Also, most people in there are wearing rags, but Fish has made friends with a dude in a full suit. Fair enough.
Bullock and Gordon interview a co-worker at the high school, who I assume must teach Exposition 101 based on how much info we get out of her. Apparently Crane disappeared three weeks ago, but before he left he gave his fear juice manifesto to this lady for proof reading. Apparently he’s trying to conquer fear by making a fear vaccine. And you thought anti-vaxxers were upset before! But seriously Crane, don’t hand over your evil plan for proofreading! That’s like the Joker hiring a comedian to punch up his jokes.
I was more upset by his misuse of the Oxford comma than I was by his plan to scare people and harvest their organs
Crane continues to shoot up fear juice and becomes less afraid of his hallucinations. His son Jonathan shows up, and Crane is ready to cure him of all his fear. It’s father-son bonding over illegal drug use!
Falcone and Maroni meet up to haggle over Penguin’s life. Penguin is working on redesigning the club, and sends out invites to the grand opening of Oswald’s. He saves one to deliver himself, most likely to his man crush/BFF Jim Gordon.
Oswald’s: Because “Coyote Ugly” was already taken
Fish sidles up to Mace and flirts her way into his good graces. She finds out that he’s only in charge because he has the only knife in the prison. Guess who’s getting her hands on that knife?
Penguin goes to the GCPD to deliver his invite, where he meets Nigma. They have a curious little face-off involving riddles and veiled threats, and the interaction between these two rising villains is more interesting than anything we’ve seen so far. They share a tense, almost immediate understanding of one another; both are rejected and unappreciated by the people around them. Both have a hidden darkness. I would love to see these two paired together again.
Just cruising
Gordon finally shows up and rejects Penguin’s invite. Penguin is upset that Gordon is treating him badly, considering he was helping him with a case just a minute ago. That Gordon is one fickle pickle. Penguin says that “walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” Both scenarios are better than walking alone in the dark, which is what Baby Bruce is doing right now in the woods.
Bruce finds a pile of rocks that he and his dad used to build. In sadness and anger, he starts kicking and throwing the rocks. He then slips and falls down a hill and into a ditch. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE CELL PHONES PEOPLE. Bruce has hurt his ankle and starts crawling home. It’s like a kid version of 127 Hours.
Help me James Franco!
Doc and Gordon have another awkward ass work encounter, where she kisses him and he’s upset about it. He thinks she’s being unprofessional, which is saying a lot considering the entire GCPD is corrupt. Also, has he seen Morena Baccarin’s face? Shut up and kiss her, dummy.
Falcone and Maroni continue to debate the cost of saving Penguin, and Falcone makes him an offer he can’t refuse. Falcone has drugged and kidnapped Judge Turnbull and his lover, and is taking video of the judge getting spanked by a dominatrix. Between this shared blackmail and some cash, Maroni agrees to let Penguin live.
Fifty shades of GROSS
Back at the GCPD, Bullock wants Gordon to ask Penguin for help, but Gordon won’t do it because morals. They investigate Crane’s backstory to get some insight, and they learn that his wife died in a house fire. Apparently Crane is wracked with guilt over not saving his wife, so he’s trying to eradicate all his fear. Wouldn’t the better move be to create a guilt vaccine? Now that’s a million dollar idea.
Gordon and Bullock head to the burned out house, while Crane discovers that his treatment is a success. He’s psyched to give his son the second dose, but Johnny doesn’t want to go through it again. They argue in front of an ominous scarecrow (foreshadowing!) and Crane convinces his son that he needs to take the next dose.
I don’t want to do drugs with you and this scarecrow, Dad! You’re so lame!
Fish starts flirting with Mace and he pulls her onto his lap. She wants to make a deal with him, but he’s only interested in manhandling her. Fish tells him not to call her “baby” and stabs him in the neck with his own knife. She then yells that she’s in charge and that everybody better shut up and listen. She’s now running the joint.
Will literally cut a bitch
Before Crane can inject his son, the cops show up and they run off into the woods. Crane gives his son an overdose of fear juice, and Jonathan starts hallucinating the scarecrow and freaking the fuck out. Crane opens fire on the cops, and despite being fearless he is still not bullet proof. They gun him down and go to rescue Jonathan.
Nothing bad ever happened from injecting drugs in the woods, right?
Bruce finally crawls up a log and finds Alfred drinking tea in front of a campfire. Bruce is all, “WTF Alfred, why didn’t you help me?” and Alfred shrugs his shoulders and calls him a cheeky monkey. They decide to stay and watch the sunrise, which seems irresponsible at this point. Someone get that kid a towel and a walking boot.
LOL child endangerment
It’s the opening night of Oswald’s and all the stars are there! JK, no one is there, it’s a failure. Mamma Cobblepot didn’t even show! Maroni shows up, only to tell Penguin that as soon as Falcone is out, he’s dead. He then pours his champagne on the floor. Burn.
Gordon fills Doc Caliente in on the evening’s events, and she invites him to the circus. I hope it’s that adults-only Cirque du Soleil show I accidently saw in Vegas with my mom!
It’s naked clowns! Who doesn’t love that?
Gordon puts his foot down on workplace smooches, and Doc basically ignores him and tells him to stop being a baby. Girl, you can do better!
Back at the dungeon, Fish is telling everyone that she’s in charge and shit is gonna change. Just then, the guards return a prisoner whose eyes have been taken. Out of her head. They took her eyes. GROSS.
Gordon visits Jonathan Crane in the hospital, where the doctor tells him that the overdose has permanently damaged his brain. Jonny will be in a constant state of terror, possibly forever. We see Johnny thrashing in bed, hallucinating the evil scarecrow. Just say no to fear juice, teenagers!
Hey, buddy, you gonna finish that jello?
