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“Rizzoli and Isles” Subtext Recap (5.13): The Bridge of Gayzzoli County

Previously on “Rizzoli & Isles”: Jane jumped off a bridge. Maura was very upset that Jane jumped off a bridge. No one really cared much that the guy from “Battlestar Galactica” fell off a bridge.

So Jane is dead. Yeah, she totally died jumping off that bridge. What did you think was going to happen? That kind of fall kills people. Actions have consequences. We’re now just watching Isles, which still has Sasha Alexander‘s great hair but is definitely missing Angie Harmon‘s sex voice. Brave of them to carry on solo though. The story of a widowed medical examiner solving crimes in memory of her deceased detective wife is unprecedented in American television. KIDDING.

Duh, Jane is alive. But Maura doesn’t know that yet. Crews are still searching the water, because the writers think our suspension of disbelief is infinite. Frankie looks more worried about Maura than he does about Jane, which is telling. Ever the good brother he knows Jane would want him to look after Maura if anything were to happen to her.

Maura is beating herself up about letting Jane jump. Oh, please, everyone knows Jane Rizzoli is wrapped around Maura Isles’ little finger. So if she asked Jane to not jump, Jane would—wait, hold up: Maybe this is all Maura’s fault.

So Maura and Frankie keep wringing their hands and pulling for Jane to just keep swimming. Finally, my dream of crossing over Rizzoli & Isles with Finding Nemo is complete. Jane is Nemo, who is lost in the big ocean. Maura is Marlin, determined to find the one she loves. She’ll be helped by Bruce the shark (Mama Rizzoli—please, we’ve all seen her go black eyes when she is angry), Nigel the pelican (Frankie—look at those gangly doppelgängers), Peach the starfish (Senior Criminalist Susie Chang—always looking to find a happy place when she catches Jane and Maura flirting) and of course ditzy, lovable Dory (Giovanni—you can’t help but love that idiot). Oh, and Professor Jack Beard is those damn seagulls who keep insisting things that aren’t really theirs are “Mine!”

Anyway, fast forward to the end and a fisherman scoops Jane up out of the big bad ocean and the relief on the faces of Marlin and Nigel, er, Maura and Frankie is palpable. A soggy Jane and the Package Prosecutor (Jamie Bamber, in case you forgot) emerge from the boat alive and relatively well. Good thing Frankie mentions those swimming lessons they had as kids to explain how she could have possibly survived an entire night bobbing in the Charles River.

Jane embraces Maura in the hug to end all hugs and says, “I’ve never been so happy to see you. Just wait until we get home tonight and I’ll show you exactly how happy I am.” Maura holds on extra tight for extra long, but then realizing they’re in public and that Jane is still uncomfortable with being out she releases quickly and leaves with a curt, “I’ll see you back at the office.”

Jane’s like, oh shit, I’m on the Bad Girlfriend list again, aren’t I? And Korsak, who saw the whole thing, gives her the, yep, you sure are. In fact, Jane is so much in the doghouse with Maura she has to sleep at her own apartment. It’s that bad, folks. Mama Rizzoli confirms Maura’s anger but tries to reassure Jane that it is because, “she was probably embarrassed to be feeling that way in front of everyone.” Wait, who feels ashamed about expressing their feelings for another person in public? People who are still in the closet, that’s who.

Mama R tells Jane she makes life difficult for the people who love her. Jane wants to know if her mom is mad at her, too, like Maura. But Mama R says she has come to accept her “job” and the way she does it. We all know “job” means “sexual orientation” here, right?

The next day, Jane comes into Maura’s office bearing a gift. Yes, she brought her “best friend” a make-up present. But, you know, they’re not dating. Yes, the present is her “best friend’s” favorite perfume. But, you know, they’re not dating. Maura finally relents. I mean, you can only continue your passive-aggressive anger at your girlfriend for nearly getting herself killed for so long.

Maura asks her if she thought about “any of us” before jumping in. And Jane tells her that no, she didn’t think about her—in particular. Well, that isn’t going to help the doghouse situation. But she clarifies that she didn’t think about herself either; she was just doing her job. Maura tells her that’s the instinct that makes her such a good cop, but such a terrible girlfriend. Jane concedes it makes her, “Maybe a bit hard to love.” And Maura confesses that she was, “Just afraid I lost you.” I mean, come on. Are they just stealing from fan-fic at will now?

Maura is still beating herself up for not doing enough to stop Jane from jumping. You know, like you would if your girlfriend jumped off a damn bridge in front of you. Jane recognizes Maura’s condition as survivor’s guilt from the pamphlet she skimmed from the seminar she skipped. Maura asks Jane if she was scared of dying while she was jumping. Jane confesses that her life did flash before her eyes and she realized there were so many things she still wanted to do.

First on her list is trying out Chapter 17 of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book with Maura. After that she also wants to watch the Sox win another series and take beer brewing classes and learn to make ravioli. Oh, and she wants to marry Dr. Maura Isles—but that was implied. My guess is Jane is waiting for it to become legal across the country. Don’t worry, honey, I think the Supreme Court will take care of that this June. Or at least I hope they will. Fingers crossed.

Maura states the obvious, that Jane is just the gayest for thinking about ravioli and beer while plunging to her death. So our two heroes kiss (in spirit) and make up and vow to work on each other’s bucket lists together and all is right and gayzzoli with the world once again.

Back on the case no one cares even remotely about, they are trying to prove the Package Prosecutor is innocent. Someone killed his girlfriend and Maura and Senior Criminalist Susie Chang are going to look at the case again with fresh eyes and an open mind in a parallel dimension. Set phasers to “Stunningly Gay.” Oh, wait, they already are. Meanwhile Jane tries to pump the Package Prosecutor about who could have hated him enough to go through this very elaborate murder and framing. I mean, really, TV killers must have unlimited free time to plan such fanciful and over-the-top murder scenarios.

My money has always been on the wife, but Korsak says she has a rock solid alibi. Something about her playing online chess. The implication is that anyone who plays online chess is supposed to be too boring to have masterminded such a crime. Or maybe I’m just projecting.

Because the writers wrongly think Jane and Maura’s gayness for each other isn’t enough to sustain a plot, they introduce yet another storyline. This week’s Subplot B involves Frankie and Mama R bonding over her prep for a job interview. Yes, it’s a heartwarming familial moment. Actually, it is nice of them to give Jordan Bridges a little more to do than walk around all hangdog in a series of ill-fitting suits.

Jane returns to Maura’s office because Jane will always return to Maura’s office. Maura has clearly been expecting her because she tells her they should make joint bucket lists. Sharing your deepest, most heartfelt dreams and aspirations seems like a perfectly normal thing to do—for a married couple. Jane asks her, and I kid you not, if she can just take Maura out for gluten-free pizza instead. I swear, if this show got any more lesbionic we’d have to call it The L Word.

Maura pulls the Girlfriend Card and says Jane owes her for making her think she was dead. She’s not wrong. Think of all the Girlfriend Credit Points you earn after being put through that? Plus, this is not the first time Jane has made Maura think she was dead. There was the time she shot herself in the stomach. And the time she got shot in the stomach. And now she goes and jumps off a damn bridge. So I’d say Maura has earned enough Girlfriend Credit for Jane to still be doing her bidding until well after she starts collecting her police pension. The look on Jane’s face says she knows it, too.

The investigation chugs along and they find something out about barbecue sauce and postmortem haircuts. Maura figures out that the new killer must have learned the detail about the hair cutting from the first killer. You know, the guy the Package Prosecutor put away in his most famous case—which is yet another case we don’t care about. This tidbit does give Jane a chance to sing the praises of her lady, which makes Maura smile in spite of herself. Uncontrollable happiness at winning the professional approval of your girlfriend sure looks adorable on her.

Jane and Korsak arrive at the Dirty Robber. She wants to go visit the old killer in prison, but Korsak says he should probably handle it alone because the guy hates women. While I hate to kowtow to anyone’s misogyny, in the interest of getting this case solved and over with so we can get to the good gayzolli stuff we actually care about I’ll allow it. Jane reluctantly agrees as well, but mostly just so she can stay in bed with Maura one more hour. Hey, she said it, not me.

The gang is now all assembled at the Dirty Robber for Korsak’s big news. He goes behind the bar and gets everyone some Blue Moons (minus Maura, who gets a Syrah—of course). He tells them after consulting with the mysterious life coach Kiki, he has decided to buy the bar as his post-retirement plan. Everyone is thrilled at this news, but none more so than Jane because it means discounted beer forever.

The next day Korsak goes to interview the killer with an interesting bribe. Books for information. Turns out our woman-hating murderer loves to read. Aw, man, this is like when you find out that neighbor who always parks in your spot also volunteers at the local soup kitchen. It’s confusing. How am I supposed to compartmentalize my hatred of them now? Korsak has no such problems though, because after learning the killer had a female pen pal/visitor who hated the Package Prosecutor, he does indeed keep his promise and leave a book.

But, oh, what a book. It’s The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan. Someone get Korsak a “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt immediately.

Back at the lab, Nina and her vest pay Maura a visit. I wish they’d give the poor woman more to do than just pick up letters and provide meaningful relationship parallels in the form of emotional backstory revelations. Oh, sorry, did I skip over that part? When Maura asks her how she likes BPD, she tells her she loves it.

But then after Maura asks why she left Chicago, Nina tells her it was because of a 14-year-old wannabe gang member who shot her boyfriend to be initiated. She anguished over how she “couldn’t protect the person I love most.” Hey, Maura, are you listening? Maura? Remind you of anyone? Maura? Marked similarities, eh, Maura? Maura?

In Subplot B, which still manages to be more interesting than the main case, Mama R arrives at her big job interview. I can’t tell exactly what kind of restaurant chain she is interviewing with, but if the décor is any indication it’s an ice cream parlor coffee shop sushi bar combo. Sounds delicious, do they do birthday parties? Making the situation even more confounding is the waiting room full of fellow applicants who are more than half of Mama R’s age. One even mistakes her for another of the interviewees’ moms. Ouch.

But you gotta hand it to Angela. She gives it her best shot and lays out all the reasons an experienced worker like her would be a good hire. Her interviewer assures her that her age is not a consideration, because that’s illegal. No, seriously, that’s totally illegal. But, alas, she doesn’t get the job anyway because of her lack of a college degree. Come on, they apparently sell ice cream/coffee/sushi. It’s not the Brookings Institute.

Jane and Korsak, however, are following the law and have brought in the woman whose name the killer gave as his pen pal. Only problem is she is in a wheelchair and therefore clearly not the culprit. OK, so in addition to age discrimination add American with Disabilities Act to this episode’s hot topic issues.

The not-pen pal had her identity stolen by the real pen pal. And the real pen pal letters had traces of barbecue sauce on them, just like they found in the Package Prosecutor’s fingerprint. So he probably at the very least shared a meal with her. Bottom line, this case is disturbing and frustrating. And now it’s also making me hungry.

As Jane and Maura are sharing a moment, Susie walks in to reassert her crotchblocking crown. She has a package that just arrived for Maura. But really, it’s a package for Jane. Yep, now it’s Maura’s turn to buy Jane a gift. While she won’t tell her exactly what’s in the box, she will say it’s one of the things to do off of Jane’s bucket list. Wait, how did they get a naked Maura in the box if I can see her holding the box?

Jane is equally skeptical, but then gleefully tries to tear in to the box anyway. But Maura rebukes her with a coy little, “Later.” When Jane asks why she says, even more coyly, “You’ll see.” Oh, so she is going to put her naked self in the box after all. That sly little minx.

But before Jane can dive into Maura’s box, ahem, they have to solve this damn murder. They’d refocused their investigation on the wife, because she ate barbecue with him at some fundraiser. I’m not kidding, I am so craving ribs right now. But there’s that tricky alibi thingie they can’t crack.

Jane has Nina play back the wife’s online chess game. Maura recognizes right away that it’s from the famed Boris Spassky vs. Bobby Fischer match from 1970. Hold up, wait a minute. Did our walking Wikipedia just get a date wrong? Because that match was from 1972. So, um, whoopsie? Well, she was right about the most important thing, which is the wife clearly programmed the moves into her computer to fake her alibi. I know, like Korsak I still can’t get over the fact that Maura got a historical fact wrong.

Jane and the Package Prosecutor concoct a plan to confront his wife. He goes to see her wearing a wire while Jane and Korsak listen from the car. Jane wonders out loud how it could go so wrong between people who loved each other so much. Oh, sweetie, don’t worry—you and Maura are rock solid.

Korsak talks about his own emotional availability and work-life balance in his past relationships and Jane presses him on who this Kiki person is and why she doesn’t have a show like Dr. Phil. Also, is Korsak dating her or what? He assures Jane that they aren’t because Kiki has strict rule against dating clients and is also a party for gay men.

Then Jane jokes about what would of happened is she married Lt. Col. Beard Force and everyone laughs. But before they can recover from the absurdity of such a sham marriage, music begins to play on their feed. The Package Prosecutor’s wife is covering their conversation with loud classical music. She tells him after living with a prosecutor for 15 years she knows he is wearing a wire, and then pulls a gun on him.

Uh, lady, did you know there are also police in a car outside your house listening to that wire feed? Yeah, didn’t think that through completely, did you? Jane and Korsak burst in and apprehend her. But then her husband pulls his own gun and goes full crazy eyes. See, this is why we need stronger gun control legislation in America.

Jane gives him a look like, you asshole, I jumped off a bridge for you. Luckily, she talks him down because if Jane gets shot a third time Maura would never forgive her.

So, the case is closed and a quick glance at the clock tells us there’s more than enough time for a Big Gayzzoli Ending. And our ladies do not disappoint. They’re at the Isles Estate, as they should be. It was so disorienting seeing Jane in her own apartment earlier.

Jane helps herself to a beer from their fridge (naturally it’s a Peroni—Maura with her imports). Maura muses about how two people in love could end up doing such terrible things to each other. Ladies, I’ll say it again, don’t worry. Your relationship is fine, great in fact. The only thing you’ve got to worry about is that pesky closet.

But Jane clearly isn’t sweating their status. Instead she has more important things to focus on because, as she tells Maura, “I came over here for more than just food.” Damn, woman, can’t a lady wine and dine her lady before the sexytimes? Patience is a virtue and whatnot.

Jane demands her present and Maura says it’s right in front of her. Yeah, it is. It’s wearing that cute red apron and smiling that cute big smile. Oh, wait, she meant the pasta maker? Jane seems pleased with both presents, and agrees to eating a little dinner before, shall we say, eating more.

Maura has lobster, duck, mushrooms and sausage and ricotta to fill the raviolis from Jane’s bucket list. Sheesh, are they making enough raviolis for the lesbian softball team you know they play on together? Maura tasks Jane with operating the machine, but of course our favorite detective promptly breaks off the handle. Then, just like a real girlfriend would, she tries to hide the evidence.

Then, just like real girlfriends, they exchange bucket lists. Maura promises to only offer constructive criticism. The first thing on her list is to do Jane. Hey, that’s what I heard and you can’t convince me otherwise. Jane agrees and says it would be fun to do each other. Again, it’s what I heard. I can’t help it if my ears filter for subtext.

Then the Adorable Bickersons bicker adorably about whose bucket list items are the worst. Jane refuses to go to Paris Fashion Week. Maura is appalled by the thought of Navy SEAL training. Jane vetoes the Museum of Antiquities in Leiden. Maura vetoes the running of the bulls in Pamplona. But then Maura finally finds one they can both agree on—an archeological dig in Egypt.

Jane agrees, as long as she can wear the Indiana Jones hat. But Maura assures her they’ll both get to wear it. Um, did they just have a top/bottom discussion? Because I’m pretty sure Indy’s fedora is a thinly veiled euphemism for a power top. I knew they were switches, I just knew it.

With their mutual bucket lists settled like the married couple they are, Jane and Maura turn their attention back to the pasta maker. Jane admits to breaking it already, but only because Maura buys broken stuff. Maura is perplexed, but in that way that just reconfirms how much you love the other person—flaws and pasta machine breaking and all.

But then it seems our ladies have finally got the thing working. Little raviolis are popping out and then, plop, the whole thing falls apart. Darn, looks like you two are gonna have to skip dinner and go straight to the make-up sex after all.

So, you guys had a lot to say about the Winter Premiere. Most of it was about how very gay it was. But don’t take my word for it. Read the #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

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