“The Fosters” recap (2.17): Gun Show

Previously on The Fosters, Daphne kidnapped her daughter on Christmas Eve and Callie decided that she would go live with Robert so she could use his white male privilege to protect Daphne and Brandon. Mariana convinced Ana to ask Stef and Lena to adopt her baby. Jesús got offered a scholarship to a all-boys prep school. Brandon is maybe going on tour or maybe going to classical music camp. Jude was Out of Town and Stef and Lena took advantage of an empty house to get loaded and have sex and cuddles and make everyone go, “Awwwwww.”

Stef and Lena are sitting in Callie’s room trying to understand why Callie would want to go live with Robert. Is he threatening her? Did he buy her a pony? Is she being Imperiused? Callie says nope, I’m just sick of fighting an unwinnable fight. I can only roll this goddamn boulder up the hill so many times before I say fuck it and let it crush me. Stef asks Callie not to tell Robert just yet and then they send Callie off to have breakfast. Lena brings her empathy A game to the conversation. She can totally understand why a kid who has had so little control over her life would want to make a choice for herself before one is made for her. Stef’s spidey sense is ringing off the damn hook because even if Callie was ready to give up for herself she would never give up on Jude.

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Callie decides that the beach is the best place to break the news to Jude that after smashing their foster father’s car to protect Jude, sneaking out of the house and confronting the gun-wielding foster father to protect Jude, running away to protect Jude, and telling Donald to sign the damn papers so Jude could be adopted, she’s packing it in and has decided to go live with Robert. You’re on your own, little buddy!

Jesús wants to go to boarding school. The moms say no and he makes a compelling argument by whining, stomping his feet, pointing out that it’s not fair that Brandon gets to go on tour unsupervised and they won’t even consider sending him to an institution of higher learning. He tops it all off by bitching at Lena for cutting the sports funding. Stef tells Lena he didn’t mean that but Lena has an unlimited amount of empathy. He’s right: They have had to cut so much to keep the school running and now she has to play peace keeper between her boss and her friend. Lena you are a better woman than I am because my forgiveness skills do not reach as far as the dickbag who tried to weasel his way into my family after agreeing to be a sperm donor only.

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Mariana is looking for dancers for her robot dystopian dance. Remember April, the girl who got kicked off the dance team because she was drinking? Yeah I didn’t either. But she’s back and Mariana is working some reverse psychology on her so she will come join the Tia and Mariana show. All Tia has to do is pretend to be a mean girl. Janis Ian! This is a terrible idea.

Brandon pops over to chat with Callie because she was kind of quiet at breakfast. He wants to know how Daphne’s visit with Tasha went and if he should get ready to go to jail or not. She’s all growly and is like stop talking about kidnapping at a regular volume. Better yet, just stop talking altogether. I like the way you think, Callie.

Mike calls Brandon and asks if he is free for dinner. Brandon lies and say he has band practice and is busy for approximately the next decade of his life. Mike tells Stef she should be happy because Ana got a job and is moving out. He just wants to help her and he’s worried that Ana is going to try to take care of a baby on minimum wage and it’s going to be too hard for her. Stef tells Mike not to worry because Ana stopped by to see if Stef and Lena had room for another kid. It’s just going to be such a little thing. Hell, it could sleep in a drawer for a while.

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Spermothy is teaching a class on The Hunger Games and asking students to think about a time when they stayed silent in their lives. As the class is dismissed Lena and Monty wait in the doorway to talk to Timmy. It must be important if the entire administration is there to talk to him.

Caitlin and Hayley tell Mariana to stop poaching the dancer they kicked off the team for being drunk and not a queen bee. Then they rag on Mariana’s dystopian robot theme and cackle like a bunch of hyenas. High school rules!

Meanwhile a group of mature adults is shouting at each other over education policy. Timothy will not compromise his teaching! Monty will not be able to keep the lights on at the school if the students don’t do well on tests! Lena has a headache the size of her car and wishes she could be back sipping on some wine or getting a root canal, frankly. Timothy relents a little and Monty suggests he teach more critical thinking and maybe some non-fiction while he’s at it. He agrees a little too quickly.

At the Burger Stand, Daphne wants to talk to Callie about how the cops showed up after work to ask her a million questions. Callie tells her the cops have nothing to go on and that Robert’s lawyers will take care of it. Daphne doesn’t think Robert’s largess extends to “the brown girl” and Callie reassures Daphne that Robert will do whatever she says because she is going to go live with him. What about Jude? Callie lied to him about wanting to be out of the system and says he’ll be fine. Daphne wished she had never called Callie for help. So does Callie.

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At the Quinn manor the doorbell rings and Jill opens it to reveal that she has been blessed with a visit from a Judicorn. He took several buses to get across town. He has to explain to Jill what a bus is. It’s like a scene from Downton Abbey. If there was any doubt that Jude and Lena are kindred spirits this scene should erase it. He tells Jill about how hard it was to be shuttled from house to house and how lovely it is to feel safe and wanted by Stef and Lena. He doesn’t tell Jill that she and Robert are selfish brats for wanting Callie (even though they are), he just explains that Callie is doing this because she’s afraid to be ripped out of another house. Jill seems to think Callie might be safer in their home which is a bit rich considering they were oblivious to the suicidal tendencies of their own kid.

Mike stomps home all pissy with Ana because she is planning to give up her baby. She doesn’t know how any of it is his business and then explains to him that raising a baby makes it harder to stay sober and that he is living in some kind of dream world if he thinks otherwise.

Mariana and Tia are auditioning dancers and April is the only one who looks like she knows what’s going on. Afterward Mariana and Tia try to play it cool but are surprised to find out that April has been asked back to join Caitlin’s team. Mariana decides the best way to get April to join their group is to send her all the mean texts Caitlin sent about her. Oh man, Mariana, you are so much better than this. This is some seriously shady Slytherin shit, and you my dear are a Ravenclaw.

Brandon sits his butt down on a stool so that it’s blocking the refrigerator, pops his ear buds in, and does some homework. Jesús wants a snack and is working up to a full-on Hulk!Smash! over it. When Brandon doesn’t move he starts screaming and then kicks the stool out from under Brandon. I have never cheered so loud for Jesus in my life. My mom would be so proud. Brandon calls Jesús “schizo” and asks if he forgot to take his meds. Kick his ass, Jesús! They brawl a bit more before Stef comes in hollering and pulls them apart.

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Robert swings by the burger joint with Jude. Callie tells Jude to take a seat while she talks to bio dad. Bobby can’t believe that Callie has decided to live with the Quinns. Yeah buddy, neither can we. Callie is the picture of not thrilled when she tells Robert it’s true. After work Robert takes Callie to a big ass house. Jude asks if Bobby bought Callie a house and if so she should have no problem asking for a car to go with it. The house is the new home for Girls United and Rita is hanging around inside, getting ready to meddle some more.