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“Glee” recap (6.9): Crushed it

Last week on Glee, our hearts were filled with the unicorn love that is Brittana, as we watched our favorite cheerleaders join together in holy matrimony. Somewhere, Mrs. Anderson probably woke up with a massive hangover, and a passed out Puckerman. Otherwise, all is generally right with the world. Except Quinn. We can only figure she was otherwise incapacitated and could not attend the nuptials of her dearest frenemies.

This week, Kurt and Blaine are celebrating their honeymoon in P-Town, and the rest of the old crew is gone, so it’s time to focus big time on the new kids. With three episodes left. Come on Glee, cram a season’s worth of plot development into an hour. I know you can do it! You’ve done it before. I believe in you. XOXO.

During a typically hellacious gym class, Sue screams with Roderick struggles to keep up and “post-gay” Spencer shoots heart eyes at a nearby hipster boy. Spencer does his best to show off, but the hipster boy is unimpressed. When it’s Roderick’s turn to climb the rope of death, he can’t cut it. I feel you, Rod, I have the upper body strength of an newborn T-Rex.

After class, Spencer confronts Roderick about getting his shit together. Spencer wants to win Sectionals and he’s concerned that Roderick’s lack of physical fitness and dancing skills will hold them back. Roderick asks Spencer if he will give him a hand and teach him a few things, but Spencer just scoffs. That is until he sees that Roderick is friends with his hipster crush. He practically flies into Roderick’s classroom to introduce himself and pretends he’s Roderick’s friend and trainer. While Spencer may be a fine athlete and singer, he is a terrible flirt. His game is so bad, that the hipster boy Allister, actually pretends he forgot something in his locker, just to get away from him.

Sue is vying for a shot at Best Principal in the Universe, or something like that, so she asks Superintendent Harris to put in a good word for her. He agrees if Sue would be willing to do him a favor in exchange. Enter Myron, a megalomaniacal tween who will soon be celebrating his Bar Mitzvah. Myron has a musical number planned for his big day, and asks the glee club for some pointers. Myron and his troupe of professional back up dancers bust out into Beyonce‘s “Baby Boy” in a number with so much gold lamé, the regional touring cast of Mama Mia would be jealous. No one can deny the kid’s talent, but while receiving notes, Myron loses it and fires all his dancers in a tiny fit of rage.

Myron announces that he loves the auditorium stage and would like to have his Bar Mitzvah party on it. Oh and he’d like the New Directions to be his opening act. Sue is in no position to say no, so she agrees and tells Rachel and Will to do the same.

Mason finds Jane at her locker and the two engage in some adorably awkward banter. It’s obvious these two have been crushing on each other since their duet a couple episodes back, and Mason tries to ask Jane out on a date to Breadstix. That is until Madison worms her way in, taking Mason away and chastising him for dreaming of eating carbs with a pretty girl. (Hey has anyone else noticed, that Jane and Spencer Hastings have the same wardrobe? )

Mason calls a meeting of the bros to ask their advice about asking Jane out, because she is the best, and he can’t get his sister to stay out of his love life. Madison micromanages every part of Mason’s day and it’s really cramping his style. He asks Spencer or Roderick to ask Madison out so he doesn’t have to be the sole focus of her attention. Spencer says he’s out because you know, he’s out and Roderick tells Mason he’s not really making the best case for his sister. Spencer then commandeers the convo so he and Roderick can start their training regimen and he can get a date with his dream boy.

In the staff lounge, Will and Rachel debate about what songs to perform at the Bar Mitzvah. Will asks Rachel about her new kids and what they are like, and she honestly can’t tell him a single thing about any of them. Even Will doesn’t buy it.

Rachel announces to the group that they will be performing at Myron’s Bar Mitzvah, and no one is happy about it. Kitty zings Rachel perfectly by asking if the New Directions are actually going to get a chance to sing, or if some OG is going to swing by and steal their thunder again. Will warns the group that tweens are a hard core tough group, and if you’ve ever insulted Justin Bieber or One Direction on Twitter, you know that is the god’s honest truth. They have to bring their A game. Mason works up the nerve to ask Jane to do a duet with him, but Madison stops him before he can even open his mouth. Foiled again, Mason my dear.

Sam, Rachel and Coach Beiste are having lunch, and Coach Beiste is back to eating his rotisserie chickens, but now with the added bonus of a flavor saver. Sue is totally out of it, and we find out that she hasn’t slept much because Myron has been running her ragged. She even has to read the Torah to him while he sleeps so he doesn’t have to actually study his Hebrew.

Not one to suffer alone, Sue volunteers all of them, including Coach Beiste to be Myron’s new back up dancers since he had officially blown his budget. Beiste can’t believe he’s getting dragged into this, but Sue assures him it’s so she isn’t the worst dancer. I wish I would have thought of this when I was in college dance class. Stand next to the even worse dancer! Damn.

Mason chases Jane down in the hallway and asks her to be his duet partner, Roderick and Madison be damned. He throws in a pizza too, and frankly, how can a girl say no? Meanwhile in the gym, Spencer is putting Roderick through the ringer. Roderick fires back at him, calling him a giant dick and tells him that’s why Allister isn’t into him.

Mason breaks the news about his duet switchover to Madison but she is having none of it. She straight up tells him that she won’t let a duet or a date happen between her brother and Jane. When he tells her to back off, she loses her ever loving shit in the middle of the cafeteria, screaming at him and mentioning an unfortunate sugar free Gummy Bears/bathroom situation. This actually also happened to a friend of mine, so I believe it. Jane steps in after Madison leaves and tells Mason the duet/date thing probably isn’t a good idea.

Spencer sees his hipster bae in the hallway, who totally throws him shade, forcing Spencer to sing his feelings. Spencer belts out The Cure‘s “Friday I’m in Love”, and while his voice is pleasant enough, it’s not nearly as polished as the other New Directions members. However it is nice to see the softer side of Spencer. Will tells him it’s nice and all, but not Bar Mitzvah material.

The big day has come and Myron, in his silver suit (this kid loves metallics) introduces the entertainment, starting with Mason. Mason borrows a set from the Gia set (minus the naked Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Mitchell) and bursts into Queen‘s “I Want to Break Free.” His newly found ‘tude and leather jacket seem to work because the tween girls in the audience practically storm the stage. Jane likes it, too.

Madison finds Mason as he’s changing costumes, and apologizes for holding on to him so tight. And now, she can actually do the things she wants, too. Aw, Madison. Maybe you will get a storyline next week. Maybe.

As part of Myron’s entrance, he wants to descend from the ceiling in a giant pod a la Gaga, but now he’s trapped. Sue tells Spencer to climb the rope and rescue him, but Spencer tells Roderick this is his time, his turn. Goonies 4ever! So Roderick makes the climb and rescues the teen terror. Myron was so scared that he crapped his sequined pants, and has to run offstage for a change of clothes. Rachel, Jane and the gang step in and perform “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars. It’s a huge hit and everyone in the audience is singing along.

While Will is running folks through the choreo for the finale, Sue tries to call it quits. She instantly gets pissed at Will’s earnest face and advice (which is understandable) and reminds him that he doesn’t even go here. Sam tries to diffuse the situation, offering a Zanax, but Sue breaks free and attacks Will, knocking him to the ground. She’s mid-headlock when Superintendent Harris pops his head in and they all pretend it’s part of the blocking.

Spencer finds Allister and his ukelele (of course), sitting alone in the choir room. It turns out that Roderick told Allister that he should come check out Spencer perform, and Allister was charmed. He calls Spencer “Varsity Blues,” which is perfect, and for once, Spencer tries being himself and it works. Spencer asks Allister to join glee, and then plants one on him. One more glee kid! What, only 20 more to go for a full team?

Myron, all freshened up from his earlier scare, appears on the stage for the finale, which is of course, Ariana Grande‘s “Break Free.” Everyone joins in, and takes a line solo, as Allister cheers from the audience. Myron even gets hoisted on Spencer and Mason’s shoulders right at the end.

The next day, Roderick and Spencer make nice, and Spencer admits to being super nervous about his upcoming date with Allister. At the same time, Sue brings Myron into the choir office to let everyone know that Myron will be the newest member of the New Directions. Even though he’s only thirteen, his uncle is pushing him ahead a year and transferring him to McKinley. Oh boy. Will gets a huge kick out if the whole thing, knowing that Sue is now stuck with the glee club. Sue warns Will that her war with him is not over. She plans to retire but she’s still got a key to that Hurt Locker, and her plan to destroy Will, Rachel and everyone in the New Directions is still on.

As for Myron, well he’s found himself an ally in the glee club. Kitty. So as long as he keeps plying her with petty cash, she’ll stick by him. She does deny him “some sugar” however. Kitty’s friendship can be bought, but the girl does have a moral compass.

With two new members, Rachel is finally feeling good about New Directions. Will tells her that students will come in and out of her life, and some will leave a permanent impression, like she did for him. They head off to practice, where the New Directions, now including Myron and Allister, sing “Cool Kids” by Echosmith, in a shade of green T-shirt, only found in peat bogs. It’s very old school Glee, with uncomplicated choreography and tees and jeans. Now if they would only start practicing for Sectionals.

Next time on Glee, we are only three episodes away from THE END.

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