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“The Fosters” recap (2.19): Tit for Tat

Previously on The Fosters, Connor and Jude played video games and wrestled and had the sweetest kiss in TV history. Callie told Stef why she decided to go live with the Quinns, Lena spilled her guts to Monty, Mariana staged a protest, and Brandon sold off the one thing his grouchy, dead grandpa ever gave him so he could finance his sex tour of the lower 48.

Stef, Lena and Callie are meeting with their lawyer in the dream kitchen. They are trying to figure out a plan for keeping Callie in their house a little longer. Stef probably would like it if Robert had an “accident,” but instead, she asks Callie to put Robert on the spot in front of the judge by asking him to give her more time. Callie shrugs and is like, “Well, I once ran into a burning basement to save a life, so I guess I can ask one question.” But she’s worried that Stef and Lena are spending money on a lawyer when not even the Notorious RBG could make her case to this dopey judge. The lawyer tells Stef she doesn’t want Stef to pour money into a lost cause but do not fret because Stef has something up her sleeve.

It’s time for some oral hygiene at the Adams Foster’s home for children with perfect teeth. Mariana tells Jude to go away because four kids in one bathroom is all she can take. Besides, Callie is leaving, Jesús is going to boarding school, Brandon is going to be moving in with Jude once the baby arrives and needs his room, she has fifty-seven hours of coding to do, and she still can’t find enough dancers. Brandon and Callie are still stuck on the idea that some school offered Jesús an academic scholarship. Mariana bops out of the room and Jesús says they aren’t adopting the baby. Brandon does a victory dance about not having to move in with Jude. Brandon, it’s like you’re not even trying to get us to like you. Callie points out that Mariana is going to be devastated. Jesús has a peace offering for Mariana, though. Emma used to be a cheerleader, she’ll be perfect for the dance team.

Stef tells Lena that they have a date with the judge at lunch time. Lena doesn’t love the idea of using Callie to get an extension of time and can’t imagine Robert will agree anyway. Jesús would like them to meet with the boarding school guy and Lena says Monty went to boarding school and says it “saved her life.” Stef is snotty about Monty having gone to “Haaahvaahhd.” Lena says it was Princeton, actually. So double the douchebag points for Monty! Stef would like to meet the woman who is so involved in their parenting decisions. Lena makes a crack about Mike being involved, too. See the difference is that Mike is actually one of the kid’s parents. Monty is just an interloper. Anyway, Stef thinks they should have Monty over for dinner and Lena thinks there’s not enough wine in the universe to make that a fun time.

Stef cracks open her laptop and scrolls through some pictures of Robert with his mistress. Looks like Stef is A.

Mariana finds Emma and screams, “You were a cheerleader!” Emma looks like Mariana just shouted, “You have syphilis!” across the cafeteria. It was a long time ago, and I was a different girl then, Emma says. Mariana appeal to Emma’s competitive spirit, her sense of justice, and then quotes Gloria Steinem. Emma’s like, “Ugh, you had me at girls in leotards.”

Jude asks Connor for some gum because Mariana kicked him out of the bathroom and he has stinky breath. Connor is like, dude you smell terrible but you want to make out later, anyway? If you can find someone who will kiss you even when you have morning breath you’re doing pretty well. Taylor, unicorn in training, sees them being adorable together.

Overly involved tweed-wearing teacher runs up to Brandon and tells him that while Idyllwild gave away his scholarship they would be happy to let him audition for another one since the teacher explained about Brandon’s crushed hand. Better get practicing Brando.

Lena peeks through the window to see that Timothy’s substitute is Professor Binns and has put the entire class to sleep. The clock on the wall tells her she’s about to be late for their meeting with the judge so she skeedaddles. Everyone is shocked when Robert suggests that Callie have some more time to make her decision. The judge awards Robert a prize for being so unselfish. Callie will now spend every other weekend with Bobby learning how to be an entitled douche. While Callie is learning the finer points of debutante balls, Stef has a plan. They will get Callie emancipated!

Lena appreciates that Stef will do anything to keep Callie in their house but sneaking around and doing shady business makes her uncomfortable. Stef doesn’t care because they are going to keep Callie and she came up with this brilliant plan all by herself. Know what other plan you had all by yourself? Charging into Ana’s house. That turned out well, didn’t it. Just one bullet in the gut. Monty interrupts Stef as she is about to kiss Lena good-bye and they exchange awkward greetings and an even more awkward invitation to dinner. Dinner guests at the Adams Foster house are always a disaster.

Tia and Mariana have to find four more dancers or they will be forced to give up their dream of toppling the social structure perpetuated by mean girl culture. Emma shows up which is super great! Callie shows up too which makes Mariana think there is some kind of family emergency going on but nope, just Callie wanting to try out for dance team. Somewhere hell is getting mighty chilly.

Brandon is practicing at Mike’s. When he messes up he flops down on the couch only to hear Ana walk in and start crying. She has written several letters and they keep getting returned. She says, “Hey, I’m really sorry I took that money from you that time I was lying to try to get your mom and dad in trouble.” Brandon is all, “It’s fine. Bribing a witness was really just the tip of the felonious iceberg for me.” She leaves and he snoops in her returned mail because it’s hard to resist another crime.

Back at dance rehearsal, Emma is a natural, Callie looks like a deer in the headlights, and I would like the black girl in the front row to have an actual storyline because she rocked it. Tia and Mariana pick dancers, including Callie. I’m not sure if Tia or Callie is more surprised by the decision.

Jude walks out to meet Connor at the bench only to discover that it is occupied by Connor and Daria making out. Jude looks like he wants to vomit, which is the correct reaction especially when Connor bops over like nothing happened. Jude asks Connor what the hell is going on with Daria. Connor thinks having a girlfriend is super convenient because it means his dad doesn’t mind letting Connor hang out with Jude. Besides, don’t they just have the best time when they hang out a a group. Oh, Connor, I feel for you son, but Jude’s already got 99 problems, you shouldn’t be one. Jesús walks in and tells them to leave because he has to do homework and their very existence makes it impossible for him to concentrate.

Jude and Connor head downstairs only to be chucked aside so Stef and Lena can set the table for this week’s episode of “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” Connor will not be sticking around for dining with the principal. They can’t study out back because Mariana is making out with Mat. And the living room is occupied because the moms are having a very important conversation with Callie. Jude is pissed there is nowhere for him to be alone with his maybe boyfriend. Connor says they can hang out when they have finished TP-ing that house with the girls. Jude’s sense of right and wrong is strong but he is human and he likes kissing this complicated boy.

Stef is explaining her foolproof plan to get Callie emancipated. First she has to get off probation, then prove she can live on her own which means working full time and finding herself an apartment, then once the judge sign off they can swoop in and adopt her. Oh and she can’t tell Robert, but it’s fine because the end totally justifies the means. What could possibly go wrong?

Monty is over for dinner and discussion about her credentials. She went to Princeton undergrad then on to Yale for her MBA. Stef feels so inadequate she starts to make wise cracks. Monty says it’s not nearly as impressive as being a cop. Oh my god, you two just whip ’em out and get a measuring tape, would you? Mariana wants to go to an Ivy League school because of course she does. She lays out her ten point argument for why Timothy was the best teacher she ever had.

Brandon breaks the news to the band that he won’t be going on tour and is a little surprised that he didn’t need any of the ten boxes of Kleenex he brought out to the garage. Outside, Mariana is giving Callie dance lessons. Callie would rather be having a root canal or perhaps dinner with the Quinns.

Monty compliments the moms on their home and their kids. She was very moved by Mariana’s speech and wants to know if the kiddos knew that Timothy was the donor. They did, but Stef didn’t realize you knew that. But no worries, Stef adds to the awkwardness by telling the story of how Jesús came home in time to see Timothy’s sperm in a cup on the bathroom counter. More wine please! Monty makes it all better by saying she totally understands why they would be torn about taking Ana’s baby. This is news to Stef. She’s not torn about anything other than why her wife’s boss seems to know everything, including their ATM PIN number. Stef, it wasn’t hard to guess that you would choose 6969.

Brandon and Callie meet in the bathroom to talk about all the ways they are lying. He’s lying about wanting to go on tour and she’s lying about wanting to be on the dance team. They agree to come clean if the other person does. Egads! They are acting like siblings!

Stef and Lena snipe at each other about their secrets. Stef can handle talking to Lena about the baby but she can’t handle hearing what Lena is thinking and feeling from some stranger. Lena thinks they should adopt the baby lest their hurt Mariana’s feelings. Stef says guilt is a stupid reason to bring a child into their family. I know for sure they do better at just about everything than either of them does on her own. So go back to being a team, OK?

The next day Lena finds Timothy and his crop of Barry Melrose hair in his classroom. Mariana is mighty persuasive (or Monty has a wicked crush on Lena). Lena thanks Monty and they hug it out. Hey now, back off there, lady! Lena says, “Hey you want to have lunch later and continue this rapidly spiraling emotional affair?”

Callie tells Mariana she won’t be able to practice on account of having chicken pox? A pulled muscle? A cranial fracture? Anything that would prevent her from dancing. Mariana tells her it’s fine and then they both cave and promise next time they will be honest with each other. Brandon is in the garage being honest with Lu about the fact that he can go on tour but he still dreams of being a classical pianist. Lu walks out. I do the same thing when some guy talks to me about his pianist dreams.

Stef and Lena are sitting with Ana in Mike’s apartment when he walks in. They have come to tell Ana that they will be adopting her baby. Where is Alice Pieszecki and her chart making skills when you need her? I need a map for all this shit!

Brandon, Saint Meddlesome himself, takes it upon himself to tell Mariana that the moms aren’t adopting Ana’s baby. Then he tells her how to feel about the decision. And then tells her that he stole a letter Ana sent Mariana’s grandparents. Maybe Mariana would like to convince them to take the baby and to have an ongoing relationship with her. Oh my god, Brandon, you are a genius. Why don’t you skip on over to the Middle East! I am sure you could have everything sorted out in a jiffy. On second thought, just stop, dude. Just. Effing. Stop.

Lena pops open Stef’s computer to search for baby cribs. She finds her file on Robert “Cheaterpants” Quinn. And now it all makes sense. Stef had a backup plan to be sure he would agree to the extension. What else aren’t you telling your wife, Stefanie! Lena stalks off.

Jude rolls up to the TP party on his bike. Just when you thought he couldn’t get any cuter. They TP the house for a while and then Jude finds himself sitting with Taylor. She considers kissing him and when he isn’t up for it she says she knows he has a crush on Connor. Connor and Daria return from making out. They decide to head to Taylor’s house to drink some alcohol and continue the mischief. Jude doesn’t seem to psyched on the idea but the promise of Connor’s sweet dude kisses are enough to make him agree. They pass around a bottle of Jack but when the lights flick on upstairs they run for it. Taylor’s dad pulls a gun and starts shooting.

Stef gets a call in the middle of the night and we have to wait a week to see who got shot.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

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