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“The Returned” recap (1.2): Hello, Officer

Previously on The Returned, a few dead people from the same town started coming back to life as though no time had passed at all. Instead of collecting shotguns and locking the probably-zombies up for observation, everyone else in town was basically like, “Oh, you guys are back. That’s cool.” Also, about a million characters were introduced and I’m not 100% sure I remember all of them.

We start out six years ago, Simon is the guitarist in a local band and he and Rowan are totally in heart-eyes with each other. You can tell Simon is a very sensitive guy, because he wrote Rowan a song and then got embarrassed when the lead singer told the crowd about it. The singer (who, by the way, is wearing a fedora just FYI) also tells the crowd that Simon and Rowan are getting married tomorrow! Much excitement! Very party!

Jack (aka Jacob from Lost) is at the bar with his daughters, playing pool with Camille (his favorite) and yelling at Lena (his non-favorite) for playing around on the drums. Simon totally cements his dreamboat-sensitive-guy status by telling Jack that it’s okay, and offering to show Lena how to play. Rowan watches this go down and snaps a pic of them because her ovaries are basically exploding due to Simon’s adorableness.

It’s the morning of their wedding, and Simon and Rowan are in bed together making out. Simon’s trying to get laid just one last time before being married, but Rowan is like, “Nope, it’s against tradition! And, also, I’m pregnant!” Simon is stunned, but manages to nod that he’s happy just before a single tear slips down his face a la Sinead O’Connor.

Later, Rowan is waiting for Simon in the church. She’s convinced that he’s just late to their wedding because he’s a sensitive guitarist who is always late. Some cops show up at the church, though, and Rowan realizes something is very wrong.

Present day, Rowan is back in the same church with the same pastor, but this time she’s getting ready to marry that cop who, six years ago, broke the news that her first fiance was dead. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, Rowan. Her new (and totally alive) fiance has to leave because he is a very important sheriff (I think) and a woman was found stabbed. I’m guessing it’s Lucy, so it looks like she didn’t get stabbed all the way to death-just most of the way. Four for you, Lucy! You go, Lucy!

Meanwhile, Rowan’s daughter is down in the creepy church basement bathroom, and the sink starts filling with blood. What is this, Sunnydale High?! I honestly cannot fathom why this little girl does not go screaming upstairs to tell her mom, but there you have it.

Julie is over at the police station trying to figure out if anyone has filed a missing person’s report for “Victor.” She tells one of the cops a pretty bogus-sounding story about just seeing a little boy, but definitely not weirdly bringing him home. The cop is like, “Uh, lady, I’m’a need to take a statement from you probably.” She follows him and sees the lady cop that was on the phone with Rowan’s new fiance earlier. They make eyes at each other like they used to do naked things together, but are not currently engaging in any naked activities.

Back at the twins’ house, Lena continues to be basically the only person in town to have the proper reaction to the returned: fear and suspicion. She calls her parents out on pretending that things are normal / serving all you can eat pancakes to Camille. Camille tries to insist that she is alive and real, but Lena storms out of the house. Jack follows her and tries to get her to cool her jets, but her jets will not be cooled. Jack grabs Lena’s arm and she asks if he’s going to hit her again, but he says nothing and Lena leaves.

Julie gets back to her house and tries to communicate with Victor, but, again, he doesn’t say anything-he just hugs her. He’s really creepy and I want her to bring him back to the bus stop where she first found him. (In fact, it was around this time that I started singing “Put That Thing Back Where it Came From or So Help Me.”)

Rowan is having a lot of feelings about getting married to Tommy (the cop), because she thinks he’s too good for her. The priest tells her to make peace with her ghosts, which is rich considering that Simon isn’t even a ghost anymore. But speaking of Simon, he’s over at the Dog Star chowing down on a burger. Okay, I get it, show-all the returned people are hungry all the time. Any minute now, one of them will be moving on to eating brains, probably. Because zombies.

Julie is taking Victor out of her apartment when the same busybody neighbor from the last episode bombards them in the hall again. She wants to know all about Victor and how long he’s staying, but Julie avoids most of her questions. The neighbor also wants to gossip with Julie about the old guy that killed himself, because wasn’t he a patient of hers after all? Julie hadn’t heard the news, and she is clearly shocked.

Back at the Dog Star, some cops are asking questions about Lucy. Lena’s friends tip the cops off to Simon, but don’t know anything about him other than the fact that he was kind of creepy and sort of a dick to Lena. As the cops take the bartender back to the station for questioning, Lena notices a drumset and it reminds her that she met Simon when she was younger. She finds a picture of the two of them in the bar, and probably wonders why all these dead people keep coming back to life.

At the police station, the hot lady cop gets pretty aggressive during questioning. She yells at the bartender, claiming that he stabbed Lucy just like he stabbed some other woman years ago. He says that he has done zero stabbing, but hot cop pulls out even more photos of bitten/stabbed ladies’ torsos. The bartender obviously knows something, and Tommy wants to know what it is.

Claire and Peter (aka Elton from Clueless) are having coffee and talking about how fucked up the current situation is. I can’t get a good read on their relationship. They’ve obviously been banging, but Peter seems totally fine with the fact that Claire wants to maybe get back with her ex. Also, I’m willing to maybe forgive Camille’s parents for being cool about their daughter returning from the dead, but why in heaven’s name is this dude being so casual about it all?! So bizarre.

Camille comes downstairs; she hasn’t been sleeping. She sees Peter and they have the following exchange:

Camille: I’m a zombie.

Peter: You’re a miracle.

Camille: No darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Just kidding. What Camille actually says is that she doesn’t know why she’s the only one to come back if a whole bus load of kids died. Valid point, zombie.

Simon shows up at the library where Rowan works, because I guess he likes to emotionally torment the people he cares the most about. She talks to him like he’s really there, even though she thinks he’s not (even though he actually is). She tries to make peace with her past, but Simon leaves the moment she gets distracted. As he’s walking away from the library, the cops stop him (presumably for “matching” the kids from the bar’s vague “description”).

Camille sees her mom making out with Peter in the middle of their driveway. Good job pretending to not be broken up with Jack for your daughter’s sake, Claire! Mom of the Year candidate, right here. Anyway, Claire comes back inside and notices that Camille has been in Lena’s room, and she ripped up a bunch of photos because she’s definitely not okay.

Camille, meanwhile, has run away to stalk her older-twin-sister at the Dog Star. A boy that she used to know asks her if she wants a drink, but she says no because obviously boys have cooties. Her mom finally finds her and Camille cries about how the boy, Hunter, didn’t recognize her. I asked my wife (who also has an identical twin sister) if she found this scenario bogus, and she agreed that it’s weird Hunter didn’t recognize Camille-especially considering he hangs out with her twin sister everyday.

Simon is at the police station, handcuffed to a table. Sheriff Tommy accuses him of identity theft, because he knows that Rowan’s fiance Simon died six years ago. The guys have a weird and random competitive moment about Rowan, and then Tommy exerts his masculinity by having Nikki lock up Simon. Nikki, by the way, is like a magical blend of Katee Sackhoff in her Longmire uniform crossed with the pent up anger and swagger of Betty McCrae. I am into it.

Later that night, Tommy finds an old photo of Simon (who looks exactly like he did at the police station) and Rowan. Guess he’s not an identity theft-er, eh Tommy?

Julie still has creepy Victor sleeping on her couch. Girl. What are you doing? Just stop it. She goes to have a good long cry and a bath before bed, and Victor takes out some markers to draw. Little kids drawing pictures never ends well-have you ever seen The Ring? Seriously, my oldest niece is only, like, two, but I still worry that one day she’ll hand me a terrifying scribble that will eventually come to life and murder me.

Anyway. Victor’s drawing looks like the dam that the old man jumped off of in the last episode, for what that’s worth. In the other room, Julie takes her shirt off to get in the bath, and she has the same scars on her torso that were in the evidence photos earlier, bite marks and all.

Are you guys creeped out yet? Are you having trouble keeping track of all the characters? (I am.) Let me know in the comments or on twitter @jennalykes.

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