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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.18): Is “Closer to Fine” on that mix tape?

A woman is tied to a bed and screaming for help. And then a masked man swoops in and… hold up, is this some weird sex thing? This is some weird sex thing, isn’t it? Thanks, 50 Shades of Grey, for making straight people’s private lives that much more unsavory for us. I mean, they can do what they want in their homes, but I don’t want to have to see it on my TV. SEE, SEE HOW THAT FEELS, WORLD? Right, moving on.

Jane is at Maura’s place pouring herself a cup of coffee in the morning. A beard breakup definitely deserves an overnight stay. Those are just the rules of (closeted) lesbianism. She’s also suggesting things to cheer Maura up. She’s even willing to go to the movie without words that only uses facial expression and movement. This is serious, Jane is going to sit through a film that was reviewed as “transcendent” and “evocative” by critics. You know, the same movie that last week she called “boring” and “boring.”

But Maura will not be consoled. She tells Jane to go on her own and interpretive dance her thoughts about the movie to her afterwards, basically. There’s just nothing that sounds good to Maura. Not a hike. Not the Gardner museum. Not a stroll on the promenade like French people. Maura laughs in spite of herself. It’s undeniably cute when your girlfriend tries to find the one perfect activity to make you happy. Though, come on Jane, we all know what that activity is. Look where Maura’s looking, sweetie. The eyes show all.

But that will have to wait because a delightful murrrder calls. Jane’s phone rings followed by Maura’s for our tandem title-sequence phone greetings of “Rizzoli” and “Isles.” I meant it about that supercut, has anyone made it yet?

Maura is momentarily comforted by the distraction of death, but then remembers it’s a death so Jane woman-handles her off the couch and out the door. Sometimes you’ve just got to pick your girlfriend up and carry her out of her funk yourself. Or just have sex. Hey, sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. Amirite, ladies?

On the way to the crime scene Jane and Maura bicker over the hotel’s name, Silphium Suites. It’s named after a heart-shaped plant that the ancient Romans used as birth control but is now extinct. I’m with Jane, that is a weird hotel name even if it does conjure up images of naked orgies. Hey, I can think of something else that rolls off the tongue instead. Amirite, ladies?

Fine, I’ll give it a rest. I’m turned off the concept anyway after seeing the mess the straight couple made of the act. Dead partially naked, cape-wearing husband. Passed out partially naked, handcuffed wife. Celibacy suddenly doesn’t sound so bad, eh?

Jane and Korsak argue about the powers of Batman vs. Superman. Korsak patiently explains that Batman does not fly. But then Jane questions why Superman does. Basically, this entire conversation will make a comic-book nerd’s head explode.

Back at the station, Nina teaches the boys about proper bondage play and optimum key placement. All that and she has impeccable vest game. Why is this lady still single, again?

Jane walks into the autopsy room inquiring about Kryptonite. Susie exasperatedly says the victim clearly wasn’t dressed as Superman. If you had Susie as the comic nerd in the office pool, it’s time to collect. Maura tells her to never mind Jane’s baiting. Someone is talking from experience.

The conversation turns to the murder, because of the “plot” or whatever. To explain whether falling on the headboard could have caused the fatal injury, Maura naturally turns to a whiteboard and physics. Jane asks if she can skip out of class like in high school. And Maura is just happy her girlfriend took physics in high school.

But then Jane talks about some boy she “liked” in high school and the moment is ruined. Oh well, we knew she wasn’t a gold star. The more inexcusable crime is her incorrect usage of the plural for nemesis. Look, I’m a writer, we all have our things.

Right, so there’s some stuff about the case — the husband was away a lot for “work” and other suspicious stuff. But back to what we really care about. Jane and Maura are still fostering formerly homeless and shot-in-the-stomach teenager Tasha. They’re having lunch with her at the Dirty Robber and grilling her about her schoolwork like the attentive mothers they are.

They’re also talking college, and Tasha mentions she applied to Maura’s alma mater BCU. Proud Mama M’s eyes light up and she offers to talk with some people she knows at the college. But Tasha wants to do it on her own. Yeah, you knew Maura wasn’t gonna ignore that and try to pull some strings anyway.

Luckily Mama J — yes, I’m going with those maternal nicknames, deal with it — tells her she shouldn’t. That they should follow Tasha’s wishes. That they should respect her boundaries. That they should be supportive but not smothering foster moms.

With that settled Jane goes back to the most important issue at hand: deciding what activities can cheer Maura up. Not a Beanpot hockey tournament, whatever the hell that is (Bostonians, help me out). Not visiting Bass at the zoo. Wait a damn minute, Bass is at the zoo? Is Jo Friday with him? Sorry, I’m so flummoxed by this news I don’t even care that Klezmer music gives Maura a headache.

More plot stuff happens, with the new theory being the victim was a gambler and went regularly to some casino, but it’s not nearly as interesting as Jane grilling Tasha about her dating life. Please, you know a cop foster mom is going to be all up in your business. Just ask Officer Stef Foster.

Then Jane gets the best idea Jane has ever had. She bounds into Maura’s office and asks her if she still keeps her overnight bag ready to go. This is what happens when your girlfriend insists on keeping separate places. Jane doesn’t even wait for the answer before grabbing it for Maura and informing her it’s time to go.

Yep, it’s road trip time. I just love how Maura follows Jane blindly into whatever. For where Jane goes, Maura will go, and where Jane lodges Maura will lodge. Speaking of lodging, Jane mentions the casino is close to the Transcendence Spa Center Maura asked Jane to go to with her six weeks ago. Aw, see, she is a good girlfriend and she does listen.

Normally, Jane would rather put forks in her eyes than go to a sweat lodge. But this is for Maura and Jane would do anything for Maura. She’d even make her a mix tape. Which she brought. And is now excitedly loading into the stereo. Dear sweet merciful Zeus, if the first song is “Closer to Fine” I am going to absolutely lose my shit.

Fine, so it’s not the Indigo Girls. But it is 80s soft rock act Ambrosia and their hit single “Biggest Part of Me.” Please allow me to give you a sampling of the lyrics:

Well, make a wish, baby

And I will make it come true

Make a list baby, of the things I’ll do for you

Ain’t no risk girl in lettin’ my love rain down on you

So we can wash away the past so that we may start anew

So, yeah, Jane and Maura are singing a love song together on a totally gay road trip and it’s pretty much perfect. Freeze frame it here. No one cares about dead wanna-Batman. All we want is for Jane and Maura to serenade each other forever and ever as they drive off into the sunset.

So next we’re introduced to Judith the cleaning lady. Because new characters are never introduced without a reason I’m going to assume she is a ghost and or an angel sent down to show Korsak his life had worth all along, à la It’s a Wonderful Life.

The next morning Maura confirms what we already knew; she slept with Jane the night before. Well, actually she “barely slept last night I was so excited.” Yeah, I agree, a change of locale can really spice up your love life. Jane says she was excited, too, but Maura busts her for her snoring. What? Sometimes a gal gets sleepy afterward. I mean, if you’re doing it right, that is.

As they go up to registration Maura asks what Jane’s going to do with her, um, gun. You know you two are in public and other people can hear you, right? But Jane tells her nothing, because she’s not going to be getting sweaty for Maura…again. She has made a reservation for just Maura, much to Maura’s disappointment.

See, Jane, points for the mix tape, minus points for leaving your girlfriend to sweat alone. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. I mean, look at how much Maura wants to get sweaty naked with you, Jane. Don’t make your girlfriend beg. Well, at least not now. There’s a time and place for everything.

But Maura insists it would be good for both of them. Something about healing and therapeutic and mostly, again, the sweaty nakedness. But then Jane says she is fine and processes things differently than Maura. Look, I didn’t even make that part up. These two are totally talking about processing. Geez, why didn’t the writers make their road trip car a Subaru while they were at it?

Turns out Jane’s casino lead was a bust anyway. See, think of the sweaty nakedness you missed for nothing, Jane. Think of it. But someone in the police station recognizes the dead guy’s photo and they get a new lead that sends Jane running off again. Just don’t run from your feelings, Jane. Yes, I just wrote that. I apologize. It’s hard writing back-to-back recaps, OK?

Jane and her Aviators of Sexy Justice pull up outside a pleasant-looking house. She knocks and Anne Dudek comes up from around the patio. I recognize her from House and Covert Affairs, so clearly she did it. Rule of Guest Stars, people. If you know their names then they’re the killer. Duh.

So the victim was leading a double life with a wife in the city and a wife in the country. Country Wife acts very upset, but Jane doesn’t buy her tearful theatrics because Jane also knows the Rule of Guest Stars.

On the ride back Maura wants to process her sweat lodge experience with Jane. She describes it as hot, sweaty, smelly, boom. See, told ya, Jane. You missed out big time. Maura says her “head just exploded.” I’m sorry, I have to take a knee because there are so many jokes running through my brain right now I might pass out.

Jane starts to feel bad she wasn’t in on the big boom of revelations Maura experienced at the retreat. But at least they agree Ambrosia was an under-appreciated band. Then the mix tape obviously flips to Tegan and Sara and they get a little bit “Closer.” Now that’s an under-appreciated song. Wanna get you underneath me, indeed.

Back from the road, Maura calls the detectives in to see something. Naturally, it’s related to softball because after such a lesbian trip she could think of nothing else. She has figured out what the murder weapon was and it was … wait for it … a laser-cut bat in the shape of the footboard. Sure, why not, also Batman can fly.

To test the theory Maura asks for “the best user of a bat” to swing it for her. Honey, like you even have to ask. Korsak and Frankie immediately point to Jane. Yep, everyone knows who is the butchest of them all.

But, fine, she can’t get the bat speed of, say, a former college all-star like the Country Wife. Told ya, Rule of Guest Stars. So now Korsak is back at the Dirty Robber and Angela asks him about his high score on the practice lieutenant exam. But he is hemming and hawing about taking the real one and, with it, a desk job. He also mentions Kiki for the millionth time, which makes Mama R finally tell him to stop hemming and hawing about this lady. She then makes him take a customer’s hamburger. Damn, that’s going to kill their Yelp score.

So, now that the crime is close to being solved, Jane starts to get suspicious. Sure, Country Wife was involved. But could this be a not-so Strangers on a Train scenario where they killed each other’s husband, but he’s the same person? Jane says it’s always the spouse — even when there are two.

Good, solve this case already. But first, Jane says they must drink. What that actually meant was first she had to get a drink with her girlfriend. They’re back to their red wine/Peroni beer orders, as it should be. Jane asks Maura about how she came upon her revelation with the bat. Rewatching A League of Their Own on the hotel TV while snuggling with Jane, of course.

Jane asks about her other sweaty revelations and Maura replies, “You mean about you?” Telling Jane she is gay isn’t a revelation, Maura. Come on. But then Maura decides against telling Jane because she knows her girlfriend really wants to figure things out on her own. Respecting each other’s process is totally, totally gay.

Jane jokes that the sweat lodge “was not beneficial to the clarity of our conversations.” And then she leaves and Maura stays to talk with Korsak and Frankie about Tasha. You’re right, it wasn’t beneficial to the clarity of your conversations. You two clearly wanted to go home together and then didn’t. Honestly, open communication is so important, folks.

Jane stops at park bench before heading home. The shock of having to sleep at her own place must be getting to her. A street busker starts playing “What a Wonderful World” and Jane looks over. Then, she notices a man in a suit with a badge carrying a very familiar blue action figure.

Wow. You know, I’ve enjoyed this season. I think Jan Nash has done a stellar job stepping into an established show and keeping the flow, rhythm and most importantly chemistry alive. But what I think I am most impressed with is how respectfully the writers have handled the tragic and unexpected death of Lee Thompson Young.

They could have swept it under the rug, they could have transferred his character to another department, they could have done a myriad of other things that would not have had the same impact. But by allowing Det. Barry Frost’s presence to continue to live on in the show in memory and import, they’ve honored the man. They’ve acknowledged the great sadness of his suicide. They’ve done things right.

Jane runs after the vision, chasing the man we know is gone through the streets, nearly getting hit by a cab but continuing in a frantic attempt to see her friend again. He leads her back to Boston PD. And then he disappears into the closing elevator. Upstairs she doesn’t find the man, but does find his action figure back on her desk.

Don’t worry, the show hasn’t turned into The Ghost Whisperer. Judith is there cleaning and tells Jane she moved it to clean Det. Frost’s old desk. Then Judith tells Jane that she feels like she wants to tell her “Everything is going to be OK.” Fine, Judith isn’t the murderer. She’s the fairy godmother.

Jane’s Frost vision leads her to her own revelation — and helps her crack the case. They bring City Wife (who looked remarkably like Lilly Rush with a brown wig) in again and then show Country Wife her previous interview and — boom. It’s not Maura’s head exploding as much as the door slamming on this case. Arrest the wives so we can get to the real married couple already.

At the Dirty Robber, Mama R and Korsak are chatting and he tells her Kiki is coming by the bar later. Come on, I want to meet the elusive Kiki as much as everyone else, but she’d better not cut into our Big Gayzzoli Season Finale Ending. Then Jane arrives with Tasha and I’m like, you couldn’t get a sitter for just one night? You know you and Maura deserve a proper date night after you cut out on that sweat lodge, lady.

But, fine, it can be a Big Gayzzoli Family Ending, I guess. Frankie and Maura are already there. So Jane tells Maura to break the news, which is that they heard about her acceptance to BCU and their “shitty” — watch your mouth, young lady — financial aid offer. So Korsak organized a BPD scholarship to help. Say hello to the very first recipient of the Barry Frost Memorial Scholarship.

Tasha asks who Barry Frost was and Jane says, “He was a friend, and he’s going to watch over you.” Go away. It’s dust. I have dust in my eye. It’s allergy season. Pollen everywhere. Shut up, no, you shut up.

The rest of the gang leave Jane and Maura to their date night. See, everyone knows. Everyone. Jane thanks Maura for the scholarship revelation. Maura thanks Jane for making her not call the admissions office. Then Jane asks Maura about her revelation about Jack.

Maura says he was an awesome beard. And if one awesome beard can find her, another awesome beard can also find her. But then she adds, “And the next awesome person doesn’t have to show up for a while.” Person, she said person. And she also said that “person” doesn’t have to show up for a while and not “that guy,” while looking lovingly at Jane.

Maura then asks if Jane wants to know her revelation about her. And Jane declines because she had one of her own. She says, “I was so focused on work and family and you.” That’s verbatim, I didn’t even have to subtext that. Jane says she realized she doesn’t have to keep her feelings boxed in. She can let them out and everything will be OK. Maura concurs and says that her revelation was that, “Jane Rizzoli is strong enough to handle it.”

So, that means these two are coming out of the closet next season, right? I mean, they’re strong enough to handle whatever happens. Then as if to confirm our suspicions they fade out bickering about past fights with mimes while “Biggest Part of Me” plays in the background. And all we can do is sigh a happy sigh because we’re going to miss those Adorable Bickersons for the next three months. We’re going to miss them a lot.

And now, your supersized season finale #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. Who wants to go on a road trip and listen to mixed tapes together until June?

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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