“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.25) VanderJesus Christ, Superstar

Last night, ABC Family aired the season finale of Pretty Little Liars, and what transpired was the craziest, most cuckoo-bananas episode in all of PLL history. And that’s no mean feat for a show where buildings call students bitches and messages are hidden in people’s molars. I laughed, I cried, I squealed in girlish delight. This fucking show, you guys. This. Fucking. Show.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.48.12 PMThey’re gonna strip search us in prison, so we may as well smoke this weed now.

 We open in a prison van, where the Liars are reunited with Hanna. Everyone is wearing orange jumpsuits that were presumably laundered by Ali, who has been doing all the prison laundry on the Eastern seaboard. Hanna is like, “Whelp, A won, we lost, dibs on rooming with Emily.”

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.49.00 PMAll those years of being a bottom is finally going to pay off.

Emily asks Hanna what prison is like, and Hanna tells her it’s an unending spin cycle of shame, regret, and off-brand jello. Poor Emily looks devastated, and Spencer tells the Liars that no matter what A has taken from them, they’ll never lose their love for each other. Aria cuddles up on Spencer’s shoulder like a lost kitten.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.49.55 PM Team Sparia Snuggles

Suddenly, the van gets into an accident and Aria makes a joke about crapping her pants. Aria is really funny in this episode, you guys. Like, legit bad shit is going down, and Aria is right in there with some one-liners. The van doors open and there is A, who fires a gas canister into the van which knocks the Liars out.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.53.03 PMCome with me if you want to live…in a creepy fetishistic dollhouse.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.53.32 PMOnly if we don’t have to do laundry!

Over at Casa Hastings, Officer Toby is telling Spencer’s parents that the van drivers were roofied and the Liars are missing. The Hastings are confused as to why a bunch of girls would be the target of some sociopath…welcome to the show, Hastings! You have A LOT to catch up on.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.53.58 PMMrs. Hastings, that’s a great Aria impression, but now isn’t really the time.

Tanner wants to keep the news out of the press, and hasn’t even told the other parents that the girls are missing, which strikes me as borderline illegal. She’s also under the assumption that the girls have somehow escaped by themselves. Like a bunch of teenage David Blaines. The Hastings assume this is more Ali-related bullshit, and go to investigate.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.54.14 PM graduate of the Encyclopedia Brown school of detectiving

The Liars wake up locked in weird facsimiles of their bedrooms. The phones are cut off, the windows open to concrete walls, and there are cameras everywhere and mannequin photos in frames. Welcome to the Dollhouse.

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.55.39 PMWait a minute, this isn’t a Hampton Inn…

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.55.49 PM FINALLY, a sociopathic prison that gives you free weekends!

Screen Shot 2015-03-24 at 8.58.42 PMWHERE’S MY FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST!?

A female voice pipes in over the PA system, saying “welcome” in different languages like it’s the opening of Cabaret. Ugh, if this episode suddenly turned into a musical I might actually die of happiness. The doors unlock and the voice tells them to follow the lighted pathway. Did A get this idea from commercial airlines? Space Mountain? An old discotheque?

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