“Orphan Black” recap (3.2): Are You My Mother?

Previously on Orphan Black, Alison decided to run for school trustee in suburbia because she has extricated herself from clone drama and wants more, StacheClone beat up Mrs. S in a desperate search for Professor Duncan’s research, Cosima realized SHE actually had Duncan’s research in secret code form and told Scott, Helen was kidnapped, and the Castor clones were just generally up to no good.

Speaking of which, ScarClone leads a girl back to his apartment, not unlike the way he lured Krystal in the video Delphine showed Sarah. She’s definitely not sober, and therefore not at all creeped out by the way he just quietly stares. He takes her coat and she calls him a gentleman, to which he responds that manners were very important where he grew up. They get down to business, but somewhere in the midst of it, StacheClone sneaks in and tries to join her without her realizing, and things get real creepy real fast.

Across town, Sarah tells Cal that Delphine is in Europe doing Rachel-esque things, but that she promised DYAD was going to stay out of their hair for now. Cal asks if she trusts that, and Sarah isn’t sure she does, but she’s going to try. Sarah wants to call Cosima and see how her sestra is doing, physically and emotionally, but Cal has a surprise for her first. He takes Sarah and Kira to a house complete with a coloring station just for Kira. The little monkey is delighted and Sarah is doing her best to be angry (she hates surprises) but anything that makes Kira happy makes her happy, too.

INSERT ORPHAN BLACK 302-1 Plus, he’s not hard on the eyes.

At the apartment, ScarClone wakes StacheClone up and they tease each other like brothers do. Paul pays them a visit, and neither of the boys look particularly happy to see Major Dierden. ScarClone tells Paul he met Sarah at DYAD, and that she didn’t seem to be much of a prisoner at all, and in fact walked in like she ran the place. Paul shrugs, that’s just Sarah’s gait. Now shut up, we have work to do.

Paul puts a funky piece of technology on ScarClone and gives him a quiz while monitoring his eyeball movements. The quizzes are logic puzzles, not unlike the ones we were given as teasers to this season. I can’t really fathom what exactly they’re testing for; their ability to think rationally? Whatever it is, the brothers are used to the routine, but while ScarClone stays stock-still and gives his responses quickly and clearly, StacheClone is twitchy and glitchy and bad at answering. Paul gives them extraction orders and they wonder if they’re really Paul’s orders or if they came from “Mother.”

At Felix’s loft, Scott gives Cosima another checkup. Scott says Cosima’s bloodwork came back with good numbers again, but he wants to give her an MRI just in case, because he can’t explain WHY the numbers are good. Cosima says that she’s open to other explanations, maybe ones that are a little left of science. Felix scoffs at this but Cosima promises she’s not going to join an ashram or anything, she has just been thinking about higher powers since her brush with death and miraculous recovery. Scott tells her that Dr. Neelan wants to meet with Cosima, but Scott doesn’t trust him. Cosima says they hardly trust anyone these days, but she wants to meet with him anyway.

INSERT ORPHAN BLACK 302-2Just to get out of the house for the first time in forever.

Before they leave, Felix gives Cosima a new clone phone; smartphones this time, with covers as “blue as the skies of lesbos.” (I adore Felix and his friendship with Cosima so much.)

In suburbia, far from the threat of Castor clones or DYAD doctors, Alison and Donnie have problems of their own. Alison really wants to run for the school trustee position, but Donnie thinks they don’t really have the dough for that right now. He says they might even have to sell the house, and in response Alison asks what they would do with the corpse in the garage like the beautifully passive aggressive gem she is. Donnie gets on board, saying they’re Team Hendrix, and tries to get a fist bump but Alison cannot be bothered. She sees Marci across the soccer fields and puts on her best bitchy smile. You know the one, where your eyes and waving hand suggest friendliness, but your eyes are shooting invisible lasers of hatred and loathing? Yeah, that one.

INSERT ORPHAN BLACK 302-3Ah, suburbia.

Our old buddy Ramone comes up to greet Alison, as he hasn’t seen her at his trunk of goodies in a long time. He congratulates her on being clean, and tells him that he’s going out of business; not because he’s doing poorly, but because he’s off to college to definitely become one of the nation’s finest entrepreneurs. Donnie asks who that was, and Alison’s eyes glimmer with mischief and she says THAT, my dear dopey husband, is an opportunity.

In Cal’s new house, Sarah, Cal and Kira play street hockey (INSIDE. LIKE THEIR LIVES AREN’T DANGEROUS ENOUGH AS IT IS) and the three of them laugh and smile and play and I’m sure a grenade is going to get launched through the window because happiness always comes with a price on this show. Luckily, it’s not an explosion that cuts this family playtime short, but a call from Art saying a woman came in to file a charge against two men who assaulted her, and Art says they both look like Prolethean Mark.

INSERT ORPHAN BLACK 302-4Gratuitous Sporty Sarah shot. You’re welcome.

Sarah has to know everything, and even though Cal begs her not to go, she knows she has to, because everything she learns about the Castor clones brings her one step closer to finding Helena.

Sarah kisses Cal, thanks him for abandoning lumberjacking to be closer to her and Kira, and takes off.

Meanwhile, Helena is being waterboarded by SoldierClone. They take her vitals and samples immediately after each session. They start to do it again, when the woman who had been watching her in the box comes in and stops them; her first samples had come back, and it revealed Helena is pregnant. The woman sits her up and introduces herself as Dr. Virginia Coady, a villainous name if I’ve ever heard one. And she says she’s happy to meet her.

INSERT ORPHAN BLACK 302-5 The feeling is not mutual.

At Mrs. S’s house, where our friends still insist on hanging out despite everything that has happened there, Mrs. S is wounded and broken, literally and metaphorically. Though her broken ribs concern her less than the thought that she might have lost Sarah and Kira for real this time, and for nothing. She thought she was doing the right thing, she genuinely thought she was trading in a crazy blonde murderer for Sarah and Kira’s safety, and is a bit torn up now that it might not be the case. Felix gives her a clone phone of her very own and says now is her chance to fix things. This is an all hands on deck mission.

At DYAD, Cosima is using her foot to spin Scott around in his swivel seat, despite his protests, because she is the actual cutest. Dr. Neelan comes in and Scott stands up all awkward and formal but Cosima cannot be bothered. She sasses Neelan then, both about trying to steal Sarah’s ovary, and about the fact that ScarClone escaped but no one alerted them. Neelan looks exhausted already. Seeing this, Cosima throws the ball to Scott, saying he has a question. Scott asks Neelan for the original genome, and asks point blank if it was really destroyed or if that was just another Leekie lie. Neelan blames the Duncans, saying that after the military shut down the cloning experiment, Professors Duncan lost the source material, so the original donors are unknown, the information lost to them.

INSERT ORPHAN BLACK 302-6 A likely story, bruh.

Sarah strolls on up to the police station like she’s never caused trouble a day in her life, promptly giving Art a mini heart attack. Sarah wants to talk to the girl who was attacked by the Castor clones, and phrases it as a question to be polite, but despite Art’s vehement protest, introduces herself as Detective Beth Childs and asks to hear the story again. Turns out the Castor clones have names (which I think they have all along, but it was fun to call them by nicknames for a bit; this is the first time the names stuck out to me). ScarClone is called Rudy and StacheClone is called Seth. So what happened after we left this poor girl was, Rudy got mad when she didn’t want Seth to join them, so they went into her purse, wrote down all her information, stole a lock of her hair, then left. Art says the hair-ripping makes this an assault, but the girl glares at him and points out that since she consented to having sex with Rudy at first, it’s not rape. Which is messed up; the conditions with which she agreed to have sex changed, therefore making previous consent void and requiring new consent. (This will come up again in my Once Upon A Time recap this week, unfortunately/strangely enough.) Even if there was no more sex had AFTER Rudy tried to join, him being there is attempted rape at least, no? Either way, it was all kinds of messed up, and Sarah thanks her for giving them this information.