“Weird Loners” recap (1.5): Daddy Issues

Weird Loners is one episode away from the finale and, I have to say, this little show is growing on me. We open with our loners having dinner celebrating the Polish holiday of Smigus-Dyngus, which falls on the Monday after Easter. In Polish tradition, Dyngus is a day where men throw water on women, and then toss them into a lake and beat them with pussy willows? Religion is weird, you guys.

we1These mushrooms just kicked in!

The loners toast to a good Dyngus, and Eric and Stosh get into a classic Polish family fight with plate-throwing and mutual insults. Tradition! Everyone drinks plenty of vodka, Eric does a puppet show of “Midnight Train to Georgia.” and Zara almost pierogies in her pants. Eric and Stosh borrow her car for an impromptu road trip to see Stosh’s son and the girls collapse in giggles on the stairs.

Eric sobers up and he can’t believe that Stosh has a 12-year-old son. Apparently he knocked up a cocktail waitress when he was 23 and she took the kid because she knew he wasn’t dad material. He’s barely seen his son since. Caryn and Zara braid each other’s hair on the staircase and declare themselves Dyngus sisters. They also decide that “ow” is their safe word, FYI.

we2Is this how you make an alternative lifestyle haircut?

The guys pull up to a school and Stosh sends Eric out to give his son a hundred bucks. His baby mama catches him creeping and shames him into being a parent, while Eric gets tased by a security guard. Stosh meets his son, Frank, and apologizes for being an absentee dad. Frank wants nothing to do with him, and Stosh can’t smarm his way out of missing out on his kid’s life. It’s gonna be an awkward weekend with dad.

Zara wakes up with a terrible hangover and a card from Caryn declaring them BFFs. Caryn really wants this friendship to work, so she is hell bent on forcing Zara into shopping trips, nights out and Taco Tuesdays. Cary is coming on way too strong, and Zara is not into it.

we3And by tacos I mean vaginas, obvs

Eric brings up some board games to break the ice between Stosh and Frank, but the guys are more interested in watching The Godfather, aka the best male bonding movie of all time. Frank falls in love with the film and begs Stosh to replay it over and over again.

Zara freaks out when she sees the fridge covered in photos of her and Caryn, and when she sees every Tuesday in the calendar marked Taco Tuesday. Cary seals the deal by bringing home a cat, who immediately bolts out the window. Are we sure Caryn isn’t a lesbian? Because she is Uhauling like whoa.

we4 This is why I stopped sleeping with straight girls

Frank falls asleep on Stosh’s shoulder, and Stosh puts him to bed. He asks his dad if they can go to Kiddie World tomorrow. Stosh promises to take him. He goes outside on the stoop to find Zara sleeping in her van to hide out from Caryn. They complain about people constantly trying to get close to them, as they can’t stand emotional commitment. Cary Facetimes Zara and (with the help of Stosh and a blue canvas) she pretends that she’s on a boat lost at sea.

Eric wakes up Frank for Kiddie Land, and Stosh does the same fake Facetime chat to get out of seeing his son. Frank is onto his dad’s lies, but Eric remains willfully oblivious and psyched about churros.

we5 The churros are $18 dollars but they are worth it!

Zara comes home to a heartbroken Caryn, who is upset that Zara lied to her and doesn’t want to be friends. She tells her to move out. Meanwhile, Eric lasted 20 minutes at Kiddie Land before he puked on everyone and got kicked out. Zara finally apologizes to Caryn, and tells her that she can’t bond on command. Cary agrees to let their friendship happen naturally, and Zara stays.

we6 Let’s make a baby!

Stosh comes home to find an angry Frank waiting for him. Frank starts attacking his dad in a re-enactment of Sonny’s fight in The Godfather. They hug and he forgives Stosh, threatening to kill him if he ever lies again. So…parenting success?