Previously on The Returned/real life: an unarmed man (Simon) got shot by an overzealous police officer (Tommy). Also on The Returned (but probably not in real life), Lena found out that Adam, the dude she banged, is a serial killer, and Claire was basically the worst mom ever.
Five Years Ago
Claire is taking photographs on the beach, and she calls her model “sexy” so of course the model is…oh. Well, it’s Elton from Clueless (Peter)-so it looks like their affair started even before Camille died. Sexy is not exactly the first word I’d use to describe him, but okay, Claire. Oh god, he’s taking his shirt off. OH GOD, now his pants. He keeps his boxers on, thank goodness, and dives into the water. Peter is good for something, at least, because he convinces Claire to strip and join him.
Because this is a TV show, Claire is wearing matching underwear that look like a bikini. Also, the water is, omg, SO cold, so they splash-fight and then make out. Post lake-sex, Peter and Claire cuddle in some blankets on the beach and have an amazing looking picnic. Peter tells Claire she’s really talented, and wonders why she doesn’t take pictures for a living. (Just a guess, but it’s probably because her “photoshoots” consist of random beach photos of average looking white bros.) Claire explains that photography had been the plan, actually, but then she met Jack.
She wonders if there is a whole other version of her in some alternate timeline-snapping pics, doing exotic things, experimenting with girls, etc, etc. Peter tells her it’s never too late to change, which he should know because he was one time an accessory to murder, but now helps people by talking in a soothing voice, I think. Claire argues that she has kids, so she can’t really change too much. They make out some more.
Claire arrives home to find Jack and the girls watching Twilight (and Jack is Team Edward, thank you very much). She lies about where she was and the girls shush their dad for talking too much. It was probably Camille who shushed, SHE WOULD. Claire curls up on Jack’s chest with empty eyes-from her affair or having to watch Twilight? The world may never know.
Present Day
Camille is having the loudest midnight snack ever, just slurping it up because she has no regard for anyone else in the world. Lena strolls in, still wearing a serial killer’s dead mom’s dress and a hospital bracelet. The sisters cry and hug. Claire looks on, thinking to herself, “Boy, what a really great mother I am,” but we all really know she’s the worst.
Over at Rowan’s house, Simon’s dead (x2, I guess?) body is wheeled away as Tommy looks on, pleased by his handiwork. Inside, the other cop in town that isn’t Nikki or Tommy questions Rowan about what happened. She lies and says she never believed he was her dead fiancé, and, also, he had a knife to her throat. SMDH at you, Rowan.
At the police station, Nikki is up late doing cop stuff like drinking coffee and studying mugshots on a bulletin board. She also looks at a framed photo of herself and that girl she was banging in a previous episode. I kind of assumed that was more of a hook up and less of a framed-picture-on-your-desk kind of situation. Awkward. She puts the photo in a drawer as another cop brings her the file she asked about. It’s Victor and his mother’s murder file.
Nikki heads over to Julie’s place to show her photos of dead Vicry (that’s Victor/Henry in case you forgot my amazing portmanteau) from almost 30 years ago. Julie’s like, “Yeah, whatever, so he’s dead? We take care of each other.” Nikki’s like, “First of all, you’re being awfully nonchalant about this whole situation. Second of all, this is not the first time he’s latched on to woman-and the first one died in the bus crash that Victor actually probs caused.”
Four Years Ago
The first woman, a teacher, drives out to the woods and pulls Victor/Henry/Zack (Virack?) out of her car. She’s like, “Sorry, bro, this seems harsh, I know, but I think you are an actual evil thing. So, I’m just going to leave you here. Go back to wherever you came from ok bye!” Three days later, the bus crash happened. Fucking Victor, man. What a little dick.
Present Day
Nikki is still trying to convince Julie that Victor is dangerous, but Julie maintains that he’s “just a little boy.” That “little boy” is eavesdropping outside your door right now, Julie, and he looks creepy as hell. Instead of being like, “Oh Nikki, you are so right about this and also very hot. Let’s go bring Victor to the police station and then have some uninterrupted sex,” like she should, Julie tells Nikki that it’s late and she should leave. She then tells Victor that she knows he was hurt, but she will take care of him. He smiles like a creep.
The next day, Camille tells her parents and Peter about what happened out at the murder cabin, except she leaves out a pretty big detail: that Tony’s brother Adam is back and he’s a serial killer and she fucked him. Jack storms out, ready to bust up Tony’s skull. Peter tries to stop him, which obviously wasn’t ever going to work, so he follows Jack instead.
Jack and Peter drive up to MurderShack, and Tony tells Adam to GTFO and hide. Jack gets out of his car and immediately clocks Tony repeatedly. Peter watches Jack beat on Tony a little bit, but then decides enough is enough so he smacks Jack in the head with a big stick. Tony and Jack lay on the ground with Peter standing over them, sirens approaching in the distance. Boys, amirite?
It’s sisterly bonding time at the twins’ house. Camille looks at Lena’s back wound, which is almost healed up. They share some feels, tell each other it wasn’t the other’s fault, and hug it out. BE CAREFUL LENA! I still don’t trust Camille. She’s not as bad as Victor, but like, you know, not great, as Pete Campbell would say.
Meanwhile, Tommy shows up at Rowan’s house with flowers. I can’t even deal with Tommy right now. If Victor is the character I trust the least, I think Tommy is probably the character I care about the least. Whatever happens to him, it just won’t phase me at all. Zero fucks to give about Tommy. He’s sees that Rowan’s been cleaning, so instead of being like, “Well, there was a bloody, dead guy here some hours ago,” he assumes that she is attempting suicide again.
He runs upstairs, but she’s fine-just taking a nap. He talks about his feelings a little bit, he’s never shot anyone before. Boo fucking hoo, Tommy. Rowan reassures him that Simon wanted to die, all those years ago. The look on Tommy’s face makes me think he was lying about the suicide. Then Rowan and Tommy reflect upon their first date, which was also the day Chloe was born. They talk about using “Wild World” by Cat Stevens as their first wedding dance song (which is the song used in The Returned teaser-except there it’s the Tori Amos cover), and start making out. Yawn.
Over at the police station, Tony is in for questioning. He takes the blame for all the murders and attacks. Tony, you are such a dummy. Nikki calls Julie to let her know that “they got him,” and asks her to come down to the station. Julie tells Victor that he can come down to the station, but he has to tell anyone that asks that he is her nephew.
Jack and Peter leave the police station, which is kind of a weird dynamic. Tommy literally tells Peter to, “Keep this one out of trouble!” As though the three of them are gonna head on down to the local watering hole later. Uh, no. Peter is banging Jack’s wife. And Tommy just killed a guy. All three of you can fuck off, actually.
Back at the twins’ house, Camille is doing a remarkable impression of a human being. She picked apples for the neighbors who lost their son, Oliver, in the bus accident, because they were always Oliver’s favorite. Claire drives her over to drop off the apples, but when they arrive no one answers the door. It’s open, though, and Claire and Camille walk in to find Oliver’s parents have hung themselves next to a shrine to Oliver.
Julie and Victor arrive at the station, and they leave Victor with the receptionist so Julie can talk to Tommy and Nikki. Tommy shows Julie some jewelry, some of the mementos found at MurderShack I guess, but Julie says none of it is hers. Tommy asks if maybe she would take another look at Tony’s face to see if she could ID him. Tommy, you ignorant slut. Julie starts to have a panic attack, because of course she does. Her attack was (and still is) extremely traumatic, and Tommy wasn’t exactly sensitive about any of it. Nikki talks her through some breathing exercises and calms her down.
Adam finally comes out of hiding in the woods, all, “Did you guys count to 20? No one found me! Hey Tony! Was my hiding spot good?” There is police tape on the doors, however, and Adam quickly realizes that this game of Hide and Seek was never meant to be.
Meanwhile, Claire, Peter, and Jack are trying to figure out how to deal with the dead bodies of Oliver’s parents. Claire didn’t call the police, because she didn’t want them to find out about Camille, so Peter offers to “find” the bodies himself.
Jack’s like, “Okay, cool plan guys-but what about the fact that Camille is traumatized by this? Or maybe we can talk about how it was Peter’s fault they killed themselves, because he had Camille tell them their son was waiting in heaven?” Claire takes Jack’s side, so Peter starts to freak out a little bit, and Claire kicks him out. On the way out, Jack is like, “I’m glad wifey started to realize you’re a manipulative dick.” But Peter takes great pleasure in letting Jack know that he started fucking Claire a year before the accident.
Upstairs, Lena tries to comfort Camille by telling her Oliver’s parents were always pretty weird. Camille wonders if she really somehow did make them kill themselves, though, because she never sleeps anymore and is hungry all the time. She wonders if she’s turning into something bad. (Probably! You were also pretty shitty before you died!) Lena assures Camille that she’s still her sister and she’s good.
At the police station, Victor is eating all of the receptionist’s cookies (like a little asshole) when Adam comes storming in. He’s like, “Excuse me, but my big brother never found me while we were playing Hide and Seek and I think I want to talk to a cop. About crimes. And things.” Victor wanders off during the commotion and finds the interrogation room that Tony is in. He makes the lights blink with his mind, I guess, and also makes Tony and Adam’s ma appear.
Julie is getting ready to leave, but she realizes Victor is gone. She stands right next to her attacker, Adam, without even knowing it, before going back to find Victor. He’s standing there watching as Tony bashes his head against the table over and over again, just like his “ma” told him to do. The cops try to restrain him, but he grabs a gun and shoots himself. Victor watches the whole thing even though Julie tries to pull him away, because he is the spawn of the devil. Julie looks at him like hopefully she is finally realizing how terrible he is.
Meanwhile, Adam runs away down the middle of the street, crying and wondering if anyone will play Hide and Seek with him ever again.
Across town, Chloe gets home from her sleepover and wants to know if the angel is coming back. Rowan explains that no, he is staying in heaven now, but Tommy will be her dad forever! Chloe starts to cry and get worked up, which I partially get because Tommy is the worst, but also disagree with because blood relative does not equal parent, Chloe. She starts crying for her daddy, but I think the real problem is she’s never been presented with a decent 2nd parent option.
Back at the morgue, Simon is returned, again!
What did you guys think of this week’s episode? I have been pleasantly surprised with the last few, which may have something to do with them breaking off from the French series? Tune in next week to see if Victor mind-kills anyone new!
