Yesterday was a full moon in Scorpio out here in the modern world, far away from 1692 Salem. But I speculate the Countess (Lucy Lawless) has a few planets in Scorpio. (In fact, her entire natal chart is surely all water signs.) As her ship closes in on Salem’s harbor, we’re greeted with another dose of mother-son love. Her devoted son is eager to “taste” Mary Sibley, who he calls “Little Minx.” He talks about how she’s let him taste Anne Hale. So, is that the reason for the Countess’ seemingly gross make out sessions with her own son-so that he can taste any witch he wants?
The Countess has other concerns, like half of her face rotting off. But, hey, no problem! Just tie a girl to the ceiling of the starboard side and let her drip, drip, drip blood all over the Countess so that she’s back to her youthful, beautiful, human self in no time.
Back in Salem, unaware of her water travels, Mary has a morning chat with her son, who totally saw her getting busy with Dr. Samuel last night. Oops. We appropriately cut to Cotton Mather being held hostage by John Alden, tearing through Cotton’s books, picking out the page that begins: “Can the spawn of a witch by a witch…?” Does he know what he’s looking for? Does he realize his own son sits in the Sibley mansion unaware of his father’s return to town? Eh, JA has bigger things to contend to, like those creeping vines that keep cropping up all over his body.
Cut to Anne Hale, who’s talking sweetly to her mouse, Jenkins. She’s telling him about her new Book of Shadows when suddenly there’s a knock at the door and Mr. Hathorne barges in. He’s here to accuse Anne of witchcraft. She’s baffled! She’s horrified! Ah, but Mr. Hathorne has a solution to this mess-burn at the stake or marry him! And if she marries him, then surely no one would accuse her as his “wife.” But, if not, then he can’t protect her. WTF. Anne rushes to Mary for help. Mary tells her to marry him, but why??? “We women are utterly defenseless without a man,” Mary explains without batting a lash. And for Mary, even though that comment seems lacking in power, it’s the reality of the Sibley household every day. Without her George nearby, she would have no power as Head Mistress of the Sibley estate, as his wife, as the Select Woman who hears over the Select Men, even when they moan and groan with woman hate. So, yes, Anne. You must marry the man who will protect your witchcraft without realizing he’s doing so, because that’s what you are, a witch.
Or you could manipulate your situation in another way-and this way could even be pleasing. Mary tells Anne to ask Cotton Mather to marry her. His family is just as sacred and respected in Salem and she would be safe and avoid being accused marrying him as well. But this will involve a spell. Mary says to take something of his, leave something of hers, and then say the following words-which she writes out on a piece of paper. One last thing though: Mary must know who this Countess is, and if Anne can’t give up the details, the paper burns and the spell to get Cotton to marry her will never work. Anne obliges Mary, but with major resistance, well knowing the powers of the Countess rolling in on that dark wine sea. She says her name is Countess Ingrid Von Marburg, the last of the true witches, a German witch bitch who is single-handedly responsible for many of breeds of witches dying out completely.
Meanwhile Mercy Lewis is humming like Gilbert Gottfried in need of a throat lozenge. She’s still torturing Isaac while her loyal BFF Dollie Trask stands nearby to witness Mercy literally eating tiny bits of him. This time though, Dollie can’t sit by and watch her beloved Isaac die. It seems she’s developed strong feelings for Isaac in all this time she’s sat by and she starts to kiss his pox face like it’s no big deal. Hello, Dollie! After she overhears Mercy telling her father that she plans to eat his heart tonight, she races to Isaac ad cuts him loose. He tells her she’ll kill her, which is probably true. She hammers Mercy’s father’s over the head to get him out of the way, and with Mercy nowhere in sight, the two dash out into the night to hide.
Mary continues to boost George’s ego by promising a real treat at the end of the seduction rainbow. George grumbles, but he’s willing to go along with Mary because she’s good at reminding him that he used to be a “giant among men” in Salem and he can’t let these men take that away. In one final swoop, George wows the townspeople by standing by at the podium and speaking out over Mr. Hathorne.
See, Mary needs this man to be around, he’s her protection. When she tells Anne to “set her sights high,” she’s thinking about how necessary her place is with George Sibley as the man of the house, even though she has to put up with what she calls “his sweaty relations.” A storm is coming though. Mary’s necklace containing the water essence of the Countess begins to fizz like a bubble necklace and the sky becomes dark. Tituba suddenly sees what they’ve been missing all along! Of course! It’s been the mark of German witch all along, and she should’ve known. It’s been decided: The boy will go into the woods tonight and George will be silenced with the toad once more. But will it be enough?
At Cotton’s front door, Anne kisses him after telling him her situation with this arranged marriage proposal. Cotton seems bothered by it, but he of course can’t let Anne in right now to keep kissing-there’s a man with a knife at his back! Damn, John Alden. You’ve really become a buzzkill.
After Anne leaves her ribbon and takes a chunk of Cotton’s beard without him noticing, John Alden’s disappeared from Cotton’s quarters and day slowly fades into night. Anne sits at her desk and carries out the final portion of her spell-the words she must say aloud. But, oh no-what will she sacrifice for this last part of the love binding? She needs to kill something she loves. Ready to give up and cry, Anne wails that there’s nothing and no one for her to love. That’s when she spots Little Brown Jenkins. She squeezes the mouse until blood runs down across her knuckles. (I think it’s fair to say Anne has graduated from scared little witch.)
It’s time for Mary to meet this Countess. Her ship has finally docked in Salem, and Mary throws firecrackers into a hole to distract the workers from seeing her board the ship. But of course, we can see that Mary is merely at home in her bed, arched back with her eyes rolled back into her head, hovering in mid air as she goes deeper into this trance and enters the Countess’s quarters. She can see in the mirror that the Countess is standing before her body, inside the Sibley home. She spins around to see the Countess now standing in the ship with her, and the races are off.
“You common Essex witch.” “You arrogant bitch!” “You old thing!” The two go back and forth, spitting out clever insults that cut through cunning compliments. The Countess threatens Mary to be careful of her next word, or it may be her last. Mary says her threats hold nothing but air (or lots and lots of water). And as the two talk, we can see the Countess gallivanting through the Sibley house at her leisure. UH OH. What is she going to do there? “In your house, I have left you a token of my appreciation,” she says just before the two part ways. When Mary wakes, she sees Tituba passed out on the floor and quickly shakes her awake. They spot water in the hallway rushing out from George’s room and when they get inside, they see it. George has water spewing out from his throat like a busted open fire hydrant on a hot day. He is seemingly dead. Like that, the Countess has taken away all of Mary’s power in Salem-and here comes Mary’s familiar! The toad emerges from George’s mouth, like some final evil laugh in Mary’s face.
The witch war is on! Are you #TeamCountess or #TeamMary? Do you think Anne and Cotton will be safe from the persecutions of Mr. Hathorne, or John Alden? Will Mary and Tituba be able to revive George? And if not, what will that mean for the Sibley estate? Will Mercy find Dollie and Isaac? And what does the Countess have in store for Salem now that her ship has docked? There’s a new witch bitch in town. Hide your kids, hide your toads, purse your lips and prepare for blood.
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