“Gotham” recap (1.22): Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts for Everyone!

Welcome to the finale of Gotham, the show that has simultaneously delighted me and made me want to throw my laptop out the window! Mostly that second one.

Renee Montoya continues to be absent (since 1.11) so I assume she’s either transferred to a less awful city or is attending that silent meditation retreat that Bette went to in The L Word. One can only hope.

We open with Selina warming her hands over a trashcan fire. She sees a boat coming in, and out steps Fish Mooney, who has returned to Gotham with one blue eye and a bullet in her belly. Fish calls her child and tells her a new day is coming. SPOILER ALERT: That new day is super gay.

got1This day will henceforth be known as your root

We then jump ahead two weeks later, where we find Bruce Wayne smashing all the pictures in his father’s office in search of some secret clue. Bruce is convinced that there’s something in the office that his dad didn’t want him to see, and he’ll tear the place apart to find it.

The city is still embroiled in the Maroni/Falcone gang war, so Falcone decides this is a great time to go out and buy a live chicken. He is chatting with the chicken (this is real) when someone drives up and fires a bazooka at his car. Just a typical Tuesday in Gotham.

got2 I loved you in Chicken Run

Over at the GCPD, the cops have their hands full with the gang war. Lee is examining Barbara, which is super awkward. She recommends trauma counseling, but Barbara insists that she’s fine. She thanks Jim for saving her, and Lee insists that she talk to someone. Barbara says she feels comfortable with Lee, and asks if she’ll be her therapist. Lee reluctantly agrees, and I think we all know this is gonna get real weird real fast.

got3That was, no joke, the BEST pap smear I have ever gotten

Bullock tells Gordon about the attack on Falcone, who is on the way to the hospital. Apparently, the Powers That Be/Comissioner Loeb have decided to join Team Maroni and have ok’d the hit on Falcone. Falcone wakes up and finds himself tied to a gurney in the backroom of a hospital. Penguin and Butch walk in with flowers and a machine gun, and Penguin tells Falcone that he betrayed him and started the gang war as part of his bid for power. Penguin is about to stab Falcone and usurp his place when Gordon busts in to stop him.

got4My bangs are in my eyes and I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING

Gordon arrests Butch and Penguin and handcuffs them to the wall. Apparently, the city will fall apart without Falcone, so Gordon has to save him and help keep him in power. Sure, whatever. Gordon has to hustle Falcone out of there before Maroni’s men show up, but he realizes that he can’t leave without Butch and Penguin since technically they are in his custody. He calls Bullock for back-up and prepares to face down Loeb and Maroni’s gang. Bullets start flying, and Gordon shoots down most of Team Maroni before getting rescued by Bullock in a stolen ambulance. They barely escape.

Bullock drives them to a one of the million deserted warehouses in Gotham, and Falcone assures them it’s safe. JK it’s totally not, and the men are met by Selina, who sports a new gay haircut and a machine gun. She is joined by Fish Mooney, who is also rocking her own alternative lifestyle haircut and leading a team of female street urchins. They’re basically the Lizzies from The Warriors.

got5 Ladies, form a line to the left

got6 Sup Bro

We then jump over to Lee and Barbara’s first therapy session at Barbara’s apartment. She tells Lee that she feels like the entire Ogre ordeal was a dream, and she keeps expecting to wake up. Lee tells her that she’s undergone a horrific trauma, what with her parents being murdered in front of her.

Back at the warehouse, Fish is reunited with Butch, and she’s overjoyed to see him despite his Zsasz brainwashing. Meanwhile, she’s tied up Gordon, Bullock, Penguin, and Falcone. She calls Maroni to offer him Falcone on a silver platter in return for her old territories. Gordon tries to reason with Selina, but she’s too busy being a badass to bother with him. Fish then tells the hostages she’s gonna kill them, except for Bullock because of that time they kissed on the dock and stuff.

got7 Hold me closer tiny murderer

Back at therapy, Barbara tells Lee that the Ogre knew her instantly and saw through all her defenses. She said it was scary but exciting being with him, just like it’s exciting to be with Jim, am I right girlfriend? She admits that she knows Lee and Jim are dating, and she wants them to be happy. She also asks if Jim ever hit her out of passion, and Lee’s like “nope, he only assaults me with boredom and self righteous behavior”.

got8Barbara, it’s 9AM, I don’t want a glass of wine

Maroni arrives at the warehouse, delighted to see his enemies strung up. Penguin is pleading with Fish for his life, but she’s in no mood for his bullshit. Maroni quickly offends Fish by offering her an underling position instead of a partnership. Even worse, he keeps calling her “Babes.” After continually teasing and talking down to her, Fish has had enough of Maroni’s bullshit and puts a bullet in his head. YAS KWEEN. This start a big fire fight between Maroni’s and Fish’s gang, and Bullock helps free Gordon and Falcone.