“The Returned” recap (1.10): End Times

Claire is angry that Peter kept this a secret even while he knew that Camille was struggling with the same thing. She thinks that Peter used Camille, and he’s a coward, so she leaves. Time out for a second: if Peter really is Returned (which I didn’t think he was at first), does that mean the Returned can grow/age? Why hasn’t Victor aged? I’m so confused.

Over at the Winship house, some of Lena’s friends drop by because, OMG they were so worried about Lena and so happy to hear she got out of the hospital. LOL yeah right. They want to see Camille, because they heard she’s back from the dead, and you don’t get to see that everyday. Lena tries to play the part of the protective sister and asks them to leave, but Camille hears them talking and says she wants to hang out. Of course she does.

photo5“Yes, let’s go to the swimming hole and talk about me for several hours!”

At the pond, the girls meet up with some other friends. Honestly, I really did think that Ben/Hunter was just one character that I kept messing up the name on, but I guess they are two people! White guy blindness strikes again! Anyway, Hunter apologizes for revealing Camille’s zombie nature on Facebook and Ben apologizes for being “weird” that night Camille dropped to touch his wiener. Everyone is friends again, yay!

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Nikki is alive! Thank you, television gods. I assume you heard our collective prayer (aka yelling about how we can’t take another dead lesbian character). Nikki has a broken wrist and a concussion, but she should be just fine. Julie thanks the doctor and gives Nikki a loving caress before storming down the hall to collect Victor.

photo6 D’awww

In the car, Julie wants to know who else Victor has hurt. He turns the radio on and doesn’t answer, because he’s a little son of a bitch. Julie is over it, so she yells at him about how he can’t do that to people, especially not people that she loves. She snaps a little, but honestly I feel like it’s way past due. Victor makes the music come back on with his mind, because there are no depths to how terrifying creepy children can be.

Back at the swimming hole, Camille is the life of the party, surrounded by her friends (UGH CAMILLE), while Lena looks on from afar. Ben comes to sit down next to her. Or Hunter. No, I’m pretty sure it’s Ben. He’s like, “Camille looks like she’s having fun, huh? So do you still think we killed her because we lost our virginity that time?” Lena’s like, “Ehh, I’m mostly over that. I think.” Ben takes that to mean they can do P-in-V again soon, but Lena lets him know that she’s met someone new. He’s a serial killer, yes, but he’s really just misunderstood and he’s got the kindest eyes.

Over on the other side of the stream/pond/whatever, one of the girls busts out a bag of shrooms. Camille doesn’t know what it is and this bitch has the audacity to say, “What? You mean you’ve never shroomed?” NO, SHE’S NEVER SHROOMED. BECAUSE SHE’S LITERALLY BEEN DEAD FOR FOUR YEARS. I swear, fucking teenagers can make you feel bad about anything. And while we’re at it, have you ever shroomed girl? Put them in a peanut butter sandwich, or something, for the love of god!

Momma bear Lena comes over and yells at their friends for giving her sister drugs. They’re like, “Take a chill pill, we were Camille’s age when we first shroomed. Shrooming is just so cool.” Camille agrees and tells Lena to stop ruining her fun. I think you guys all know how I feel about this situation. (#teamlena)

Back at the Winship house, Claire opens her front door to find Joanne Kelly wearing a white tank top and a black leather jacket, the queer lady uniform. I really feel like Claire doesn’t deserve such a blessing, but that’s life I guess. Joanne Kelly is actually Sarah Koenig Cara Pine, a journalist doing some research for her podcast. She wants to know about Camille, because she read some things online, but Claire insists that her daughter is still totally dead. Claire then shuts the door in Joanne Kelly’s face. Unforgivable, Claire.

photo7 WHY WOULDN’T YOU JUST INVITE HER IN?

Rowan and Tommy are at the church getting married. So, that’s happening still, huh? Their relationship is pretty gross, IMHO.

Anyway, your favorite, most lovable, potentially insane harbinger of death, Helen, is still driving around with dynamite. She sees Simon along the side of the road, and decides she should definitely pick him up on her way to blow shit up. She tells him to get out of town, but then their collective Returned energy makes the radio go wonky and pops one of the tires. They skid to a stop right by the edge of a cliff, and Helen opens up the trunk to get out a tire iron. Simon, obviously, notices the overflowing bag of dynamite, so Helen fucking clocks him in the head. Poor Simon! He’s already died twice!