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“Orange is the New Black” recap (3.2): Bed Bugs and Beyond

Flaca is in the infirmary with what she thinks is a case of “arm crabs” despite only coming into contact with a vagina once by accident (more on that, please). Turns out the cause of her itches are bedbugs, and panic starts spreading throughout Litchfield like itchy wildfire.

THIS is why we need to stop fisting without gloves!

Red returns to bunk with Piper, but she’s pissed that Piper lied about her store. Piper says she was trying to do the right thing, but Red doesn’t suffer liars and freezes her out. Piper tells her that some cultures value dignity over the truth, and the Koreans even have a word for it. Red calls her out on her bullshit, saying that Piper only wanted to cover her own ass because she’s a selfish person. When Piper says she was being nice, Red tells her that “nice is for cowards and democrats,” and she now likes her less.

“OITNB” drinking game: Drink every time Piper references something she heard on NPR

Aleida meets with Ms. Powell, Pornstache’s mom, who is played by the always awesome Mary Steenburgen. She feels awful for what her son did to Daya, and wants to adopt the baby and raise it in Connecticut. When Aleida questions her parenting skills, she says that she has two successful sons, and that George was always a “difficult child.” Mama Stache promises to do right by the baby, as well as Daya and Aleida.

I should not have done all those Quaaludes when I was pregnant, but you live and you learn

Bennett finds out about the meeting of the grandmas, and confronts Daya, who is stuck standing around in her underwear because everyone tossed their bedbuggy scrubs. Daya assures him it’s probably just a shake-down, and Caputo flips out when he sees Bennett with the half-naked Daya. The guards bring in a box of paper suits for the inmates to wear, but there aren’t enough, so some inmates are left in their undies.

Guys, I think we’re doing this “sexy pillow fight” thing wrong

We get a flashback to Bennett’s tour in Afghanistan (yup, it’s a Bennett episode. Yawn.) where he is ready to fight, but his superior calls him out for being a too-tidy chicken shit. War isn’t as kickass as he hoped it would be.

Back at Litchfield, the lunch room is swarming with women in their underwear, and we find out that CO’s Bell and O’Neill may be responsible for the bed bugs outbreak. Man, these guards can’t do anything right. Fear of bedbugs is spreading throughout the prison, and suddenly everyone has phantom itches. Poussey rolls up to lunch wearing a string of garlic that Gloria gave her, and her friends make fun of her for confusing bedbugs with Dracula.

I wore the exact same thing poolside at the Dinah last year

Alex is also stuck in her underwear, and Piper offers to rip off her paper bottoms and give them to Alex. That’s love? Alex is still in a deep well of despair, compounded with a side of paranoia that drug kingpin Kubra is going to send someone to kill her. Piper tells her that her spirit animal is a cockroach: resilient, badass, and able to carry cigarettes on her back.

Big Boo and Nicky watch a bunch of drug offenders get early release, and try to figure out what to do in the aftermath of the tunnel shut down. Boo says they need to find someone to smuggle out the drugs, but Nicky isn’t sure who that would be.

What, is the knotted shirt too ’90s?

Bennett tries to convince Daya that all their baby needs is love, but as someone who suffered through foster care, Daya knows the importance of financial support. We flashback to Bennett’s tour of duty, where he is proudly serving our country by performing a “Hollaback Girl” lip sync with his army buddies. White men can’t twerk. An Afghani soldier films the routine, but is yelled at when he starts filming a female soldier’s chest. Gross, dude. Bennett assures him he’s doing a fine job (is he though?) and soldier asks if the squad is gay. Bennett watches the men dance and flex for each and is like, “Maybe so, bro.”

Losing the war on terror but winning the war on coordinated dancing

Nicky and Luschek bring box fans for the laundry room, and Angie and Leanna start warning Nicky to stay away from their “soggy boxes.” Well, when you put it that way, ladies, who could resist? Soso is back and babbling about bean leaves to ward off the bed bugs. Luschek starts freaking out about bed bugs and rips his clothes off, revealing a bag of weed in his pocket aka sleepytime tea.

Black Cindy has decided to tackle the bed bugs by spraying down her body with Lysol, which seems at best disgusting and at worst poisonous. Taystee says as much, but Black Cindy tells her that her grandma used to douche with the stuff, so it’s fine. IS IT THOUGH?! Alex is reduced to wearing a garbage bag, and bursts into tears, screaming at CO Maxwell. Piper talks down the CO from sending Alex to SHU and convinces her that Alex is just having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Black Cindy accidently sprays Alex, thinking she was a tall, rockabilly bed beg

Daya meets with Bennett at their secret spot, where he proposes to her with a gum wrapper ring. He promises that they’ll trump money with happiness, and Daya accepts his proposal.

Nicky tries to vaguely ask Luschek if he’d transport some “candy” for her, but he’s too dumb to read between the lines so she outright asks him to sell her heroin. He pretends to bust her, before saying, “JK, of course I’ll sell your drugs.” I don’t know, I wouldn’t trust this guy to sell a Tootsie roll.

A little bit of side tongue, and the ladies will be all over you

Over lunch, Alex and Piper debate the comfort of delusions versus the painful truth. Piper is, no surprise, pro-delusion, whereas Alex tells her that true love is putting all your shit on the table and still liking each other. Piper can’t keep the lie in anymore, and confesses that she was the one who ratted out Alex. Alex calls her a manipulative psycho and accuses Piper of coming clean because she didn’t want a fuck buddy that looked like a sad emoji. I feel like these two are really breaking the ceiling of dyke drama.

Caputo hires an exterminator who tells him that, in addition to burning the mattresses, they’ll have to burn all the books in the library. Taystee and Poussey jump to the library’s defense, and they try to pass off a bug infestation as a muffin crumb. Taystee even goes so far as to eat said crumb/bug, and by the look on her face that’s no poppy seed she’s eating.

GROSS IT’S GLUTEN-FREE!

Bennett goes to Cesar’s house to share his good news, and to get a peek at the whole “single dad” lifestyle. He finds Cesar shacking up with a new girl, Margarita, and a new infant baby that he’s been bribing the kids to keep quiet about. Bennett sits through a sad dinner of reheated fast food, and a psychotic Cesar who pulls a gun on the kids to make them eat their French fries. Cesar gifts him with Daya’s old crib, and suggests he get a side piece to handle his home life. The whole scene is depressing and upsetting, and Bennett leaves crushed.

Caputo meets with the prison accountant, who tells him that the mattresses won’t be replaced because Litchfield is closing in two months. Apparently no one told Caputo. Whoops. He brings out the books for burning, because nothing matters anyway.

Where am I gonna masturbate now?!

Flashback to Afghanistan: the soldiers are watching the drone attacks on a big screen TV when the Afghani soldier warns them about a bomb. The Americans gun him down while the other Afghans toss a grenade into the tent. The commander orders Bennett to toss out the grenade, but he runs and cowers while another soldier dives on the grenade.

Red visits Healy and tells him she wants to add her lawyer to her visitation list and remove her husband. He tries to initiate a counseling session, but Red tells him to mind his own fucking business. They start fighting about marriage, and it’s clear that Healy’s mail-order bride sitch isn’t working out. No surprise there.

As always, thanks for fucking nothing Healy

Nicky goes to get the heroin, but it’s been stolen. DUN DUN DUN. With all the mattresses gone, the inmates are making beds out of maxi-pads, toilet paper, and leaves. Red is itching, and Piper tells her that it’s all in her head. Piper thinks about her fight with Alex and wonders if she’s a manipulative person…whoa, is this what personal growth looks like? Red tells her to stop bullshitting and embrace her inner Russian by realizing that the world is better in black and white. And Red.

If I lay these out, the Menses Fairy will bring me money

Piper and Alex face each other in the halls the next morning, and Piper storms into the roped-off library. Alex follows her in and slaps her hard. They start a shoving match, which turns into making out, which turns into Piper ripping off Alex’s trash bag and going down on her. Hot damn do these two have chemistry.

Classic “under the shirt” fighting move

SPLOOSH

They have rough, violent sex and Tumblr explodes into a million pieces. It’s all nail scratches and hate bites and passion and pain. How can something so unhealthy be so hot? I’ll just have to keep re-watching the scene til I figure it out, I guess.

ooh girl you taste like lemon pledge

Bennett cries in his car and drives off. We see he’s left Daya’s crib on the side of the road. Fittingly, Martha Wainwright‘s “Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole” plays over the credits.

And that’s it for episode 2! So much drama and we’ve barely even begun. Give me a shout @chelseaprocrast and tell me how many times you watched that sex scene…remember, honesty is better than tact!

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