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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.5): In Which Aria is played by a Tennis Ball, and it Slays

You guys, last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was a veritable cornucopia of chills, thrills, and Tippi the Bird tattoos! Hold onto your fine china (aka your vagina), cuz we’re about to get into it!

We open with Spencer in a dark, deserted hallway, following a ghostly girl dancer as she twirls and Twylas around. You may recognize her as Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms/those Sia videos/your future nightmares. Ziegler does an interpretive dance around a decaying old bathroom, pirouetting from tub to tub while Spencer finds an old pair of shoes with C. DiLaurentis scrawled on them.

I’m just gonna say it: this is the best cold open PLL has ever done. It’s creepy and weird and hilarious and I can’t get enough. Give Spencer all the drugs, is what I’m saying.

The next day, Spencer is telling Aria about her dance dream, convinced that she’s seen the creepy bathroom before. Aria reminds her that everything we see while stoned isn’t real, which is true because my laptop is NOT made of chocolate and I had to learn that the hard way. MOVING ON.

Aria says that Spencer is giving her cramps, which describes most of my relationships with hot girls (I feel you, Montgomery!). Spencer’s mom wants her to go for valedictorian, which is crazy because Spencer’s practically missed a semester of school. Spencer is chowing down on pot cookies, despite it being morning time.

Mona surprises Hanna in her kitchen, because she’s obvs the first person she wants to see. She is scared that Ali is plotting revenge, when she should be scared that A/Charles is still on the loose. Man, people will NOT give Alison a break in this town. Hanna tells her that Ali just stays at home and goes to church now, and Mona is like, “Rosewood has a Satanic church now? Hail Beelzebub!”. Mona is called into the precinct on account of faking her death, and she asks Hanna to give her a ride.

Ali is chilling at home when she overhears her police protection detail talking shit about her. Stay classy, Rosewood PD. Over at Emily’s house, Sara is arguing with her mom on the phone. She tells Emily that she needs to go home and deal with her family sitch, but Emily refuses to let her go. She tells Sara to get legally emancipated from her mother so she can go on living under Emily Fields protection. Emily, you JUST met this girl. It wasn’t even a month ago that Talia was sleeping on your couch and feeding you empanadas.

Over at Hollis, Aria runs into Clark, who invites her to take photos with him in a junkyard. He also tells her about a photography fellowship that offers cash and a summer internship in LA, and Aria is all over it. So she runs off to the junkyard with an older man she barely knows. Way to be, Aria. Way. To. Be.

Ali is hanging out on her porch, and her father rolls up on her asking why she’s not in the house. What’s the deal here? Is she going to school? Getting home-schooled? She tells him she needs some air, and complains about the cop’s trash talking. He tells her to let it go, and that being a major league bitch was bound to catch up with her. Great pep talk, dad.

Mona and Hanna are at the Brew, where they run into Leslie aka Mona’s redheaded mystery BFF who testified against Ali in the murder trial. She is super pissed at Mona, because the police have dragged her in for giving false testimony (although was it false? Like, she didn’t know Mona was alive, did she? This show is so confusing). Hanna defends her girl, but Leslie is in no mood for Mona’s sob story. Also, we find out that Hanna doesn’t know what “perjury” means, which explains SO MUCH of her motives/thinking. She also calls Hanna a bag of hair, which LOL. She tells Mona to fuck off, and threatens revenge. WHOMP WHOMP.

Hanna tells Spencer about the run-in at school, but Spencer is too busy tripping balls and sexting Toby (eww). Hanna then complains about her bone dry “cup” and says that Caleb is smothering her and it’s not giving her a boner. Hanna tries to eat some of Spencer’s cookie, but she slaps it out of her hand. Hanna calls her out for being stoned at school, and suggests that Spencer may be addicted to sex as well. Looks like someone’s been reading some fanfic.

Clark and Aria are taking photos at the junkyard, where Aria has found some creepy old dolls to play with. Clark takes a photo of her like a regular Jason DiLaurentis and asks her out, but Aria is off dating because life. Clark admits that he recognized her from the news, but didn’t want to make her self conscious.

Lorenzo brings Ali a binder full of church activities and encourages her to be a camp counselor. He asks her if she’s scared of the woods and she’s like, “Bitch, I INVENTED the woods. The woods are scared of me.” They are interrupted by Mr. DiLaurentis, who kicks Lorenzo out and basically acts like a total Byron Montgomery.

Emily takes Sara to Caleb for some emancipation advice. Since Sara doesn’t have a job or a high school diploma, it will be difficult for her to make her case. Caleb advises that she just chill since she’s almost 18 anyway, but Emily insists that she’s lost enough time and needs to be free right this minute.

Aria is taking more creepy doll photos when she sees a black hoodie in a mirror. She follows it into another room, and a shelf gets knocked over beside her. Clark rushes in, but Aria brushes it off. She realizes that, from where Clark was shooting, he might have gotten a pic of A.

Spencer attends an NA meeting, and makes a beeline for the snacks because #marijuana. She runs into Dean, her former sober companion who got canned when they started flirting. After getting shamed for snacking and running, Spencer sticks around for the rest of the meeting.

Aria and Clark hang up his film in the dark room, and Aria examines his footage and finds an image of A. She calls Emily and asks if she should come clean to Clark, and Emily is like, “Bitch, this isn’t Season 1. Steal that film now!” She hangs up, and Caleb offers Sara an assistant job at his web design company. Yay? I mean, who better to work in technology than someone who’s been in a hole for two years?

Hanna meets up with Leslie, who apologizes for bitching her out earlier. Leslie doesn’t think she can forgive Mona so easily, despite everything Mona’s been through. Hanna says that Mona is complicated, and they both wonder whether Radley helped her or made her worse. Leslie thinks that Radley must hold all the answers, but she’s not about to go asking questions. Meanwhile, Aria swipes Clark’s negatives.

Dean gives Spencer a ride home, and she tells him she’s sick of living in permanent anxiety. He tells her that drugs aren’t the solution (debatable bro) and she relents and gives him her pot cookies. He assures her she’s strong, but Spencer is sick and tired of being the strong one. He tells her to call him the next time she can’t sleep.

Spencer sees Mona putting a card in Ali’s mailbox, and Mona tells her how great she looks now that she’s out of a psycho’s prison. Spencer asks Mona if she remembers and pre-teen girls or creepy bathrooms in the dollhouse, but Mona doesn’t. She says that it must live in Spencer’s head.

Later, Emily picks up Sara at child services, and finds out that The Powers That Be have allowed Sara to keep living with Emily. Em wants to celebrate, and Sara suggests getting tattoos across the street.

Hanna and Spencer break into Radley to dig up some Charles evidence. Mona was supposed to go with them, but her mom isn’t letting her out of her sight. Spencer sees a creepy old poster with the dancing girl on it, and they walk into the bathroom of her nightmares. DUH! This is where Spencer slow danced with Ali that time she was in Radley. Hanna responds by knocking a million bedpans on the floor.

Sara gets a tattoo of a bird flying from its cage, aka a Tippi the Bird homage. She encourages Emily to get a mermaid tattoo, and I’m fully on board if she gets it on her bicep and names it Petunia. Emily isn’t interested in Pam’s wrath, but Sara tells her to get something small in a private place. Emily eyes the Japanese symbol for courage, aka the most basic of tattoos. She thinks about getting it on the back of her neck, but the tattoo artist suggests something closer to the “good china,” a euphemism I’ve never heard but now love.

Back at Radley, Spencer has found Charles’s file. It contains a release form for Charles’s organ donation, so she takes it as proof of Charles’s death. Hanna won’t be convinced until she’s drum solo-ing with Charles’s femur bones, but before they can get into it, Hanna spots a dead body floating in the tub. Spencer grabs a pole to fish it out, and they discover it’s just a CPR doll. UGH, you know Aria is dying to take photos of that thing. They hear noises and Hanna is ready to bolt.

Aria examines Clark’s film and finds a profile shot of A…with boobs. She texts the photo to the Liars. Ali and Lorenzo are hanging out on her porch, and he mansplains that Mr. D isn’t angry with them, he’s angry with himself for failing to protect his family. They start making out, but get busted by Ali’s dad.

Emily is getting her tattoo on her lower hip when Aria’s text comes in. Sara sees the text and panics. When they leave the tattoo parlor, Sara confronts her and tells her that she’s seen a black hoodie girl lurking around. They hear a noise and Sara scuttles off down the street. Emily goes after her.

Spencer and Hanna are ready to leave Radley, but Spencer wants to stay and find out who Charles was friends with. Hanna tells her that Radley doesn’t have a yearbook, but if it did Mona would obvs be prom queen, right?

Emily catches up to Sara and tells her to stop running. She comes clean about looking for A and Sara feels all hurt and confused that she lied to her. Sara legit thought they were connecting…I mean, they got tattoos and she got a lesbian haircut! Emily says she was trying to protect her, but Sara realizes she needs to protect herself. They see a shadow of a hoodie and run away.

Spencer and Hanna leave Radley, when they hear someone. Spencer grabs a crutch to defend them with, but it turns out it’s only Mona, doing some skulking and stealing of her own. Specifically, stealing Leslie’s file. Apparently Leslie was a patient at Radley for a while, and that’s how she met Mona…and possibly Charles.

The Liars text Ali to get to Hanna’s, but her dad won’t let her go. He threatens to take her away, but Ali’s been “away” for years. She asks him if he’s gonna toss her into the plot next to Charles’s grave, and he’s like, “The what now?”

The Liars gather to look at A’s boobs (in the photo). Hanna assumes it must be Leslie’s boobs, and she must be A. Leslie was roommates with Bethany Young at Radley, and the Liars surmise that she blames Ali for murdering Bethany and the Liars for covering it up. Hanna is like, “what about Melissa, she technically killed Bethany” and Spencer claims that burying someone alive when they were assumed dead is basically a misdemeanor.

This doesn’t explain why Leslie would A) go after Sara or B) why Mona would help her, except to try to repair their friendship. The Liars decide to stalk Leslie and try to catch her in the act. Of what? Hoodie-wearing? Meanwhile, Mona is on the phone with Leslie and tells her that the Liars know she was at Radley. Leslie freaks out, screams “dammit” a bunch, and tells Mona she keeps screwing shit up.

We end with A taking strands of dyed hair and making a tiny Aria wig for a tennis ball, then combing it ever so gently. Damn, A is crafty. Their Michael’s purchases must be nuts.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Is Leslie A or just another red(headed) herring? Tweet me @Chelseaprocrast

As always, thanks to Nicole @PLLBigA for her glorious screencaps. I would go spelunking in Radley with you any day!

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