Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane and Maura went on a romantic rowboat ride. Frankie cared for a beautiful Flour Baby. Everybody made fish jokes.
You know what’s scary? Murderers. You know what else is scary? Muumuus. You know what else is scary? Hummels. Hey, I didn’t say they were all equally scary. A young, harried-looking woman has hit the scary trifecta as she dusts some Hummmels while wearing a muumuu and being watched by a serial killer. She makes an incredibly weak attempt to escape. (Shaking a locked door handle does nothing; bust a window.) So, naturally, she winds up dead.
In yet another classic Rizzoli & Isles tonal shift, next we see Jane pouring herself a big old cup of coffee at Maura’s place. Late night, eh, Janey? Apparently it was because Maura is applying her makeup at the kitchen island. So, you know, everyone’s running a tad behind from the previous night’s activities.
Jane asks if her mom is around. See, now this is something you ask before the previous night’s activities, Jane. Maura says she hasn’t seen her. Then they both agree they miss her. So they decide to have a mother-daughter-daughter-in-law evening with Mama Rizzoli. Jane suggests tickets to the Bruins game. Maura suggests Jello-shots and arm wrestling. Jane is so excited it almost seems mean to tell her Maura’s kidding.
A deflated Jane asks what kind of girl’s night Maura has in her head instead. Jane asks if that means wine tasting and waxing with a face that says she has done just those things with her girlfriend—you know, while they were still in the courting phase. Maura lets her off the hook and suggests cooking dinner at home and then a movie. See how date nights evolve after six years?
Jane agrees to the plan, but only if Maura cooks. Maura agrees, but only if Jane does the dishes. Aw, you two. I know I should be mad at this perpetuation of traditional butch/femme gender roles, but mostly I just think it’s cute when long-term couples know their strengths.
Speaking of those traditional gender roles, Jane suggests Iron Man 3 and Maura wants something with more emotional resonance, like Terms of Endearment or Steel Magnolias. But Jane notes that those are both movies where the daughter dies. Geez, Maura, trying to hone in a little too much on Mama R, are we? I mean I know we haven’t seen your parents (adopted or biological) in, like, two seasons. But that seems like a bit much.
On cue, Mama R arrives. Her daughters tell her about the delightful evening they have planned for her. But she’s like, nah, I’ve got plans. Daughters inquire what plans and she is like, uh, cooking—French cooking. Hey, I’m no detective like Jane Rizzoli, but I can tell when someone’s lying. And that’s a whopper. Jane isn’t convinced either, but then the calls come in and it’s time for their signature synchronized “Rizzoli” and “Isles” phone greetings. But then Mama R’s phone rings too and she screws it all up with a, “Hey, hi!” Jane’s face is like, “Moooom, it’s not Rizzoli & Isles & Hey Hi. You’re ruining everything!” *stomps off and slams door*
Naturally, Jane and Maura spend the next several minutes processing this new information about their mother—and investigating a murder, or whatever. They arrive at the body farm, where cadavers are left to decay in new and disgusting ways, for science.
Maura could not be more excited, because it’s like Disneyland with unlimited Fastpass tickets for her. It’s sweet how much Jane understands this, instead of being grossed out by all the bloated and rotted human flesh. Jane and Korsak go to interview the body farm director and he is an arrogant and dismissive dick, so naturally that makes him our new No. 1 suspect.
Back in the autopsy room Jane grouses about the dickish director, but saves her most grousy grouses for talk about her mother. Maura must be some sort of saint. She listens patiently when Jane complains that her mother is paying too much attention to her. She listens patiently when Jane complains that her mother is paying too little attention to her. Any day now I expect to see her drinking coffee out of a “World’s Best Girlfriend” mug.
So the extra body farm body was staged to look like a suicide. Which is strange and appetite-inducing news. Well, that’s what I’m assuming because when next we see Jane she’s at the Dirty Robber thanking her mom for a delicious lunch. Or so it seems. Anyone with an ounce of mother-daughter experience knows she is really there to pump her mom for the truth.
Mama R admits she’s not learning how to make authentic French dips, but instead taking ice skating lessons. This sends Jane into immediate daughter hysterics because her mother is “the world’s worst athlete.” She then reels off a list of her mother’s sports-related injuries.
See what they did here? See. Jane is acting like the worried mom and Mama R is acting like the rebellious child. See? Jane then lists off some stats on athlete concussions by gender to try to convince her mom to take up bingo. But Mama R still has a few zingers of her own and asks when Jane started reading Maura’s medical journals. Well, sometimes they’re the only things on the nightstand when Maura falls asleep on her mid-cuddle.
The team is back at the body farm because another extra body has been discovered. Wow, people really are dying to get in there. *rim shot* Thank you, I’ll be here all season. A male body, over a year old, has been found. It’s linked to the 30-day old female body so now we’ve got ourselves a mystery. Oh, sorry, not about who killed them. About why Mama R is ice skating. Don’t think I didn’t notice her extra mascara and eye liner. Something’s up, I tell you.
Speaking of stuff being up, Senior Criminalist Susie Chang has called Frankie and Nina down to the lab to “show” them something. And by “show,” I mean gush about how they’re her favorite new OTP on the series, besides Jane and Maura—of course. She’s even gotten them matching lobsters. Well, Nina’s is on a shirt. Frankie’s is a real, live lobster. Susie says it’s because the lobster is his crustacean doppelgänger. I think it’s because she’s skipped using the fume hood one too many times in the lab and now the brain cells are now damaged that tell people when to, say, stop comparing people to arthropods or, you know, stop crotchblocking when an obviously gay couple is flirting.
Frankie Jr. accepts Frankie Jr. Jr. Jr. and promptly places him into Jane’s desk. Why? Because she is so clearly Maura’s lobster. When your little brother is placing live lobsters in your desk to help you get a clue about your love life, it’s bad.
Maura arrives at her place with a pizza packed with Mama R’s favorite toppings. I ask you, do you know your best friend’s mother’s favorite pizza toppings? And would you bring her a pizza packed with them? But Mama R is in no mood for pizza, which is a sign something is seriously wrong and/or a pending apocalypse. What? I love pizza, OK?
Instead the glum mother-in-law is nursing a sprained ankle from ice skating. She already knows Maura knows all about her extracurricular sporting activities because that’s what couples do, they tell each other everything. So now Mama R is bummed out about the massive dose of I Told You So she’s about to receive from Jane. So she asks Maura to not tell Jane. But then, when Maura goes into a long and apologetic monologue about open lanes of communication and how trust is the hallmark of any strong relationship—but, you know, internally—Mama R relents and says, “Fine, tell her.” Yep, lobsters share everything.
So, Maura tells Jane and they process what’s happening in this mother-daughter-daughter-in-law relationship some more. Maura thinks some other “hot button” issue is at work underneath all of this. You mean like marriage equality, because we figured that out last week and it’s totally cool. All 50 states, baby! USA! USA! USA!
The detectives are zeroing in on the dickish director as the killer. But, you know, it’s way too early in the episode for that so instead it’s probably a red herring. Or, you know, red lobster. Which Jane still hasn’t found, even though she claims the office smells “really bad.” Frankie suggests something smells “fishy,” but Jane’s like, no, I know that smell. This is something else entirely.
Frankie is despondent, because his lobster gesture didn’t work. He had to pull the plug and take Frankie Jr. Jr. Jr. to his dentist’s salt-water aquarium (relax, PETA) so it wouldn’t die. But Nina just laughs and laughs and laughs at him. Jane knew, Jane always knows. She’s just not ready to admit her true feelings to the world or crustaceans.
The team realizes the killer might have snagged another victim to fulfill his muumuu-wearing fantasies. So they find another woman who has gone missing who left an identical fake work resignation letter. So they work frantically to find the link early because everyone is excited about this week’s Big Gayzzoli Ending.
The same guy used to deliver water to them and the body farm. So, there you go, tap water it is. Break out the Ponytail of Righteous Justice, this case is closed. Well, almost. First they need to trash his apartment and then they need to bust into his parent’s old house where he is reliving his parent’s violent, abusive, murderous relationship with his victims. Then, bang-bang, it’s lobster time.
With all of the mandatory paid administrative leave Jane has racked up from shooting suspects, you’d think she and Maura could have taken a lovely Olivia cruise to the Caribbean and back. Well, at least they get their extended Big Gayzzoli Ending, right? Wait, that’s not Maura. Mama R, get out of here. You’re ruining everything. *stomps off and slams door*
Mama R, whose ankle is somehow miraculously healed, is leaving as Jane enters the Dirty Robber. Jane tells her she got them a movie for tonight, but Mama R tells her she’s going back to the rink. Alas, it’s not because she has found deep inner peace from being one with the ice. She doesn’t even like skating. It’s because she met a man who likes skating. Sigh. See, I told you she was wearing more eye makeup for a reason.
But Jane says it’s not her place to tell her what to do. Plus she’s figured out what really upset her. It’s not that Mama R was skating, it’s that Mama R was skating without her.
This touching mother-daughter moment is finished off with a hug and Mama R saying, “I want you to be happy, Jane.” To which Jane turned her Facebook profile rainbow and changed her relationship status. A mother’s unconditional approval is sometimes the last push you, you know.
So now, finally, we get our Big Gayzzoli Ending. With Mama R safely at the rink, Maura is cooking them a romantic dinner for two complete with red wine and Jane’s favorite beer waiting for her. Jane busts in like a lovesick Kramer. She tells Maura she’s been bonding with her mom. Then this dialogue actually happens:
Maura: Awww, I’m sorry I missed it. I love bonding.
Jane: Well, I’m sure we will bond some more.
Yeah you will, ladies, yeah you will.
As if things weren’t gay enough, Jane busts out a copy of Thelma & Louise. What, Fried Green Tomatoes wasn’t available? How about Desert Hearts? Jane claims it’s an action film and Maura swears it’s a chick flick. Oh, I see. They want that kind of movie? Then might I suggest a double-feature with Bound?
Just in case anyone watching did not catch the obvious gay analogies, Maura reads the back of the cover to us, “This film [read: series] is the celebration of two uniquely powerful women [read: Maura and Jane] fulfilling their destiny [read: getting it on] and bound together for eternity [read: gay, gay, gay gay gay].”
Jane reads her own subtext into their situation: “This film [read: relationship] is a celebration of two badass chicks [read: Jane and Maura, duh] who drive their car over a cliff [read: come out of the closet, eventually].”
Maura agrees to both subtextual readings, and drives the Big Gay Point home once more to those in the cheap seats by telling Jane they have something in common with Thelma and Louise.
Maura: Well, we’re both unique individuals and yet we have found a common connection.
Yeah you have, ladies, in each other’s pants.
Maura then compares them to yin and yang. Jane immediately asks which one she is and Maura matter-of-factly responds that Jane is yin, of course. She’s the shady and cool to Maura’s sunny and bright. Well, class, that’s what we call a coded top/bottom discussion. Take notes, there’ll be a quiz on this next week.
Jane pouts because she wants to be yang. She then punishes Maura for calling her “dark and shady and childish” by withholding juicy information. And Maura begs Jane to tell her with an equally pouty voice and batty eyelashes. Maura swears she didn’t say “childish.” Jane tells her, “Your eyes did.”
Hey, raise your hand if you’ve ever had this kind of mock-fight with your girlfriend. Yes, you. Also, you. Ah, you, there in the back. You, the entire front 100 million rows. You, the remaining 275 million rows. So, that’s basically everyone who has ever had a girlfriend? Just checking.
And with that indisputable declaration of couplehood, onto your #gayzzoli tweets of the week.
The USWNT goes onto the final & the game ends just in time for #RizzoliandIsles #lesbianlife #Rizzles #gayzzoli
– Kate D (@Twist_of_Kate) July 1, 2015
This is why I never trust any one with a porcelain figurine collection. #RizzoliandIsles
– R&I Bruins Fan (@RIBruinsabc321) July 1, 2015
Jane wants Bruins tickets, Maura wants a movie night. These two need a Boston, scratch that, American wedding now. #Gayzzoli #LoveWins
– Tom B (@AnistonAnarchis) July 1, 2015
Also, am I the only one who heard “jello shots and bikini wrestling” not “arm wrestling” ? I think I’m gay. #gayzzoli
– mirettesvertes (@mirettesvertes) July 1, 2015
Maura knows her mother in law fav flavor of pizza #gayzzoli
– milah (@helgenlover) July 1, 2015
Angela just wants Jane to be happy. That’s parent code for: it’s okay that you’re gay. #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– Jessie (@DrkRaven0905) July 1, 2015
Thelma and Louise. Gosh… What’s next? Mulholland Drive? #Gayzzoli
– Agathe Rigault (@MissColombine) July 1, 2015
Yeah…if by “found a common connection” you mean “found a common bed,” then yes Maura, you’re correct. #rizzlesifyoulook #gayzzoli
– LyricalAlchemy (@LyricalAlchemy) July 1, 2015
Do I miss anything when I just watch the beginning and the end of R&I? #gayzzoli
– Shane Solo (@ShaneTashaARF) July 1, 2015
Me watching the show tonight.Especially the end. @JanNash100 @Angie_Harmon @sashaalexander #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli pic.twitter.com/5B6anWPxfb
– GAYZZOLI (@GayzzoliForever) July 1, 2015
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