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“The Fosters” recap (3.8): The Slap

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon whined about getting back into Idylwild because Pianist Tony stole his idea about playing his piano piece on a couple of old washtubs and a jaw harp. AJ got shuffled off to live with Rita because he and Callie can’t keep from kissing. Mariana wanted to get baptised so she could be Isabella’s godmother until she realized the Catholic Church is kind of bullshit when it comes to her moms. Jude had a hall pass and was absent (again). Callie might not get adopted (again) because the moms one time had to get a restraining order against Brandon (the golden boy).

Callie is helping Rita get ready for her night out at the Suds Bucket. Rita is terrified but Callie feeds her some of Rita’s own advice and send her out into the big scary world of dating. No word on whether Marla will be singin’ to Nelson tonight.

Back in the dream kitchen, the rest of the family is chatting about Brandon’s interview with the social worker. He needs to tell the truth, which may be difficult since the moms apparently don’t know the true depths of his idiocy. Mariana wants to know if she and Callie will ever get their money back for the car and Brandon has the nerve to say he thinks they got what they deserve. It’s like they want me to hate him more every week.

Back at Rita’s, there’s a knock and Callie finds a woman on the front steps claiming she is Rita’s daughter. Street smart girl that she is, Callie invites her in. Chloe helps herself to Rita’s mail and bathroom while making snide remarks about her mom.

Rita comes home from her bust of a date and argues with Chloe, who wants more money. Rita refuses to give her money for an ill-conceived scheme and Chloe tells Rita she is a terrible mother. Rita asks if Chloe is off her meds. Heartwarming scene, really.

Stef thinks Lena is blaming her for the mess with Callie. She doesn’t get that Lena just wants Callie back and isn’t pissed that Stef got the restraining order in the first place. Stef has always been a hundred times harder on herself than Lena is. Lena asks about scheduling their next therapy appointment but Stef says she can’t concentrate on it while she is worried about kids. God, Stef, your wife is telling you what she needs and you need to start listening or she is going to find someone who will.

AJ wants to know what Brandon’s problem is with him. Brandon snarls and gnashes his teeth and AJ stalks off. Mariana tells Brandon to stop being a jackass and work on getting his story straight for the social worker. He better not fuck up because Mariana wants her sister back.

Rita doesn’t think Chloe took anything until Callie says she rifled through the mail and Rita finds her checkbook missing a check. Rita tells Callie not to worry about it; she’s cancelled checks before. Chloe is bipolar and when she’s not taking her meds, she is more paranoid and irrational than otherwise.

Brandon wants to know when, exactly, is AJ leaving. Could it be yesterday? Stef tells him to chill out-he has lived a privileged existence and needs to give AJ a break. Stef is spending all her free time trying to catch the guy who plowed into the Volvo. Brandon suggests that maybe the guy didn’t run after the accident, maybe he hid until he got picked up. Stef beams with pride and suggests maybe Brandon should be a cop. Even Brandon knows that’s a stupid idea and scampers off to his room.

The new plumber (out actress Jillian Armenante) is here and she sure likes the cut of Stef’s jib. Stef, of course, is oblivious to the flirtation but Lena is decidedly not. She tells Stef it is time for her to get dressed for work and put some distance between her and Shaz. Lena knows flirting and she knows where it leads.

Callie is hanging out at Girls United with Kiara, Daphne, and Carmen. Carmen is joining the army thanks to Rita’s help. The girls give Callie some much deserved shit for all the nonsense with Brandon. Callie says she’s over Brandon, you know, for real this time because she has a new foster brother. God, I wish this storyline would just die already. New girl, Brooke Cullen, walks in looking like a vampire and mouths off to Carmen. When Carmen gives it right back Rita tells everyone to simmer down and get to doing their homework. Brooke can either stick to the rules or she can find herself a new home. Maybe she should check out Seattle, less sun, more chances for being the brooding, cranky type.

Stef and AJ are checking out the alley where the driver might have hid after the hit-and-run. AJ wants to know if it’s been hard on Brandon to have all the foster kids moving into the house. Stef says he was happy to have the twins move in so he wasn’t the only kid any more and he’s been fine, mostly with Callie and Jude. Right. I think Stef and I have a wildly different version of what “fine” looks like. They see a bus stop at the end of the alley and Stef thinks just maybe the driver hopped a bus to escape.

Brandon and Callie are talking to the social worker and the scene shows them answering the same questions. They both claim to have initiated the kiss. They both claim to love each other now just as siblings. They both look like lying liars. Brandon says he never violated the restraining order by visiting Callie at Girls United or singing horrible songs to her in Daphne’s apartment or generally being a moron. Sure, this isn’t going to blow up in their faces. Brandon asks about the moms’ foster license. Turns out they lied about having to get it renewed.

Stef has found the bus driver and is wearing her super spectacles while she finds out what the driver knows. The bus driver remembers a black guy getting on the bus covered in blood. She dropped him off in front of a pharmacy. Stef and the specs of justice are on the case!

Callie is explaining”Fost and Found” to the ladies of Girls United. Brooke thinks it’s stupid because she thinks everything is stupid. Callie wants the girls to participate in the story corp part of the project. She’s trying to give foster kids a voice to call out things that aren’t working but they all have too much to lose to risk speaking up.

Shaz is gushing to lena about how much she likes working for a couple of hot lesbians. They just don’t make “broads” like Stef nowadays. She bets Stef is an absolute tiger in the sack. Lena is horrified and possessive. Shaz nearly walks into a wall when Stef walks in wearing her uniform. It’s delightful and Stef is totally oblivious to it.

Brandon stomps in from his social worker interview. He is steaming mad because the moms didn’t tell everyone that the reason AJ is staying with them is because he and Callie are hooking up. It’s so unfair that they got a restraining order against him but not against AJ because the situations are identical (nope). He’s not done. He is happy to be leaving in a year and after that the moms can adopt all the kids they want so they don’t have to spend any time alone with each other. Kids know when parents are having a bad day let alone a bad six months of bickering and therapy. Jude overhears all of this from the other room when Brandon storms out and slams the door.

Chloe is waiting on Rita’s steps when she gets home. She is so pissed Rita cancelled the check that she starts pushing Rita by saying the worst things she can think of. Finally she says, you’re the reason my father killed himself. Rita slaps her. It’s pretty shocking. When she and Callie get inside, Rita explains that Chloe is the one who found her father and Rita tried to pull her closer by giving her whatever she wanted. But now she is done enabling Chloe and so it has gotten ugly. She needs to take time off from GU but can’t. Guys, Rosie is so good in this role. So, so good.

AJ asks Jude if he wants any help with his math. Jude says, “Don’t you think you’ve helped enough, jackass?” Lena gets a text that Brandon will be staying at Idyllwild overnight. She tries to talk to Stef but she is too engrossed in her laptop to really pay attention. Stef, beds are for sleeping and for sex, not for screen time. Put that shit away. Now. Stef thinks it’s good for the kids to know that couples aren’t always perfect. Good lord, Stef! Take your eyes off the screen and pay attention to your wife.

Connor walks into the math test with stars in his eyes, ready to hang out with Jude. Jude grumbles at him and then leaves the test without even trying to answer any questions. Lena catches him walking away and he screams at her about how life is devoid of meaning and skeedaddles. Helpful Monte says don’t take divorce off the table. If you’re unhappy you should make it clear that anything is possible and come on a date with me. Nobody asked you, Monte!

Jude lands at Rita’s and tells Callie he doesn’t want to go home. She says it’s okay to yell-he doesn’t have to be perfect for the moms to love him. Rita says that parents don’t love you because you are biologically theirs or because you are easy, they love Jude because he’s the Judicorn. He tells Callie the moms are splitting up and that they were fighting over Callie and AJ. Why on earth does she keep doing this shit? Jude is truly the voice of us all.

I think a lot of gay kids feel like Jude. I know have felt that if I didn’t do really well in everything I could I would be letting my family down. As if overachieving everywhere could make up for the fact that I am gay. It’s stupid. My parents never needed me to make up for being gay and would be offended that I thought that I needed to achieve anything for them to love me in spite of the fact that I’m a big homo. But that feeling lingers.

As soon as he gets home, Jude apologizes to Lena. She and Stef give him a big hug because they love that little Judicorn, adolescent outbursts or not. Connor is there too because he was worried when Jude didn’t text him back. Good grief those two are adorable. Rita gets a call and she and Callie have to run back to Girls United.

Stef apologizes to Brandon. She says she assumes he will always do the right thing because he always does. This shows she hasn’t been paying a bit of attention to the last two seasons of this show. She’s sorry they weren’t there for him when he got his heart broken by Callie, they were too busy trying to clean up after all his stupid stunts (fake IDs, etc). It’s a sweet scene but it reeks of trying to get us to feel sorry for Brandon but I think that ship has sailed. Especially in light of Callie’s video later in the episode.

At Girl’s United, Rita goes charging up the stairs to break up a fight between Carmen and Brooke. We hear a slap and when we find them Carmen has a black eye and a bloody nose. They call Stef and when she asks what happened Carmen and Brooke say that Rita punched Carmen. Oh these two lying liars. But their word is two against one so Rita is cuffed and taken away.

Stef doesn’t want Callie to stay at GU but Callie isn’t going to another foster home to be locked in a bedroom like last time. Stef relents as long as Callie keeps her cell phone on and promises to call at the first sign of trouble.

The girls are sticking to their story and while Lena doesn’t think Rita is capable of hitting a kid, Stef isn’t so sure they can know the limits of a person’s behavior. She is still scanning the camera footage for the driver when the owner’s son (who she interviewed earlier this season) comes in with blood on his face. She ignores the fact that the bus driver told her the kid was black and zeroes in on Joe Olsen being the culprit.

Jude hears Callie’s voice and thinks she’s home. It’s a video she made for “Fost and Found,” where she details the horrors of her time in foster care. She names names and asks others to do the same. Jude is uncomfortable with it, but Mariana has already posted it online.

Brandon lurks outside GU and types a text to Callie asking her to come talk to him. When she sees his car out of the window she checks her phone. He never sent the text and drives off into the night.

Gird your loins for Brall-apocalypse next week with a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night.

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